Understanding The Pain Of Rejection And How To Deal With It

The pain of rejection is not only caused by us being disliked or ignored by others, it is also felt when we are mistreated by people we love or when our contributions are not appreciated as we would like for example at work. The pain caused by rejection is very intense because it sends the message that others do not find us valuable enough. During this talk, I explain the basis of rejection, its function and present 5 science-based strategies that can help us to deal with it.

Transcript

Hi,

I am Olga Lucia from EQnes and I would like to share with you this talk about rejection so that we understand the basis,

Why we feel it,

Why it's necessary to feel it,

And at the end I will be giving five science-based strategies to better deal with it.

Although we know that every one we interact with has gone through rejection more than once in their lives,

This doesn't make it easier when we are the ones suffering it.

Sometimes the wounds of rejection are so deep that they take a long time to close,

Leaving those reminders of our experience as ugly scars in our hearts and our minds.

We start getting familiar with rejection during our childhood and teenage years.

Then when we are adults,

Things don't get better and although we may think that our previous experiences have given us the ability to master rejection and to be above it,

The reality is very different.

But in any case,

It is important that we learn to respond cognitively,

Emotionally,

And behavioral generally during these situations because not taking appropriate care of our pain of rejection may have a big impact in our mental,

Emotional,

And physical health.

But what is rejection?

It's not simply a pain,

Although we feel it so.

Rejection is a fundamental characteristic in social life and,

In general,

In our lives.

The word social implies that it takes place during our interaction with others,

Who will express verbally or non-verbally how much they value our relationship,

Indicating in this way if they reject us or accept us.

Although there are obvious behaviors or expressions from others that clearly indicate that we are being rejected,

The degree to which we feel rejected is very personal.

Each individual has his own standard regarding what it means for them to be accepted or rejected.

Then,

When interacting with others,

If those minimal expectations are not met,

Rejection will arise.

This is known as perceived relational evaluation.

So this means that,

In occasions,

Although we feel rejected,

Objectively this may not be the case.

For example,

If we are used to perceiving that we are highly regarded by someone important to us and one day we feel that this level of appreciation is not as high as before,

Then we will feel rejected although we are still considered valuable by the other person.

Then this is an interesting point to reflect on when we are feeling ignored by people important to us.

The expressions of rejection include more than being disliked by someone.

We feel rejected when we are ignored or mistreated by people that are meaningful to us,

Or when our feelings,

Belongings,

Contributions,

Being these actions or opinions,

Are disregarded,

Or when we are treated unfairly and with disrespect and we can't do anything about it.

Regardless of whom or what caused it,

The experience of rejection will bring pain with it.

But feeling this is not bad because this pain is a very important adaptive response that is related to our sense of belonging.

Let's see this a little bit closer.

We were born with the need to be part of a group and be accepted by them because it is very relevant for our survival.

In the past,

For our ancestors,

Being excluded or rejected by their peers was a life-threatening situation,

Equivalent to having a death sentence.

Thus,

The pain of being rejected is hardwired in us,

Affecting our psychological,

Emotional,

And behavioral expressions.

To make sure in this way that we will take the appropriate measures to reduce it,

Which means to put into action behaviors that will minimize the rejection.

This is part of nature's wisdom,

But in this wisdom we have also developed core features that are preventive and serve to avoid being rejected and support acceptance towards others.

Additionally,

As an interesting fact that shows how important it is for our survival to be able to efficiently detect that we are being rejected,

Research has shown that our brains react differently when rejection is coming from someone who is very close to us,

For example a mother,

In comparison to when it is a stranger who perpetrates the pain.

Then,

In all that negativity that is associated with rejection,

There is a positive side.

The pain of rejection is in principle an indication of a healthy emotional response.

That somehow should give us some comfort because then the problem is not to feel it,

But how we respond to it.

But this is not a simple matter since being ignored or disregarded is a very painful experience that is felt at the physical,

Emotional and psychological level.

How is that?

Because the pain we feel is as real as physical pain.

This is called social pain,

And it activates brain regions part of the physical pain system.

The reality of this pain,

Which is the point that even research has shown,

That if you take Tylenol,

It will help you to decrease this pain of rejection.

Of course,

I wouldn't recommend to just go to solve your problem with Tylenol because the pain of rejection is more complex than feeling physical pain.

As I mentioned before,

It has an emotional and cognitive component.

And then the best way to deal with it is to learn to regulate our emotions and to have the appropriate cognitive response.

The emotions that are triggered by rejection have a negative effect,

Which means that they are very painful to feel.

And when we feel rejected,

Our sense of belonging feels under attack,

And our self-esteem is highly affected because being rejected somehow implies that there is something wrong with us or with our actions.

And this makes us question ourselves about our self-worth and self-efficacy.

All this causes great stress,

Affecting our mental stability and emotional balance,

And of course,

It will affect also the way we think,

We make decisions,

And how we act.

This doesn't mean our response will necessarily be inadequate.

Because despite all this negativity happening around us,

Fortunately,

There is an automatic natural response that is positive.

When we experience rejection,

An initial tendency is to try to conciliate.

This means to improve our relational value by behaving in ways that will make us more desirable to relate with and will increase our chances to be accepted.

Let's notice that the way we respond is highly associated to our level of emotional and psychological health.

For example,

People with low levels of self-esteem or people suffering anxiety or depression will find more difficult to overcome the effect of rejection,

Which will be also felt in a more intense way than someone having a healthier emotional background.

There are,

However,

Other ways to respond.

For example,

People may want to ignore the situation and find comfort searching elsewhere for alternative relationships in which they will feel more appreciated.

Or they may decide to fully withdraw,

Putting distance between the person who is rejecting them and themselves,

Because it is clear that nothing can be done to improve the situation.

Then the rejector and the relationship with this person lose their value.

As mentioned before,

Rejection has the capacity to cause the immediate appearance of different negative emotional states,

Such as sadness,

Anxiety,

Anger,

Embarrassment,

Guilt,

Loneliness,

Jealousy,

Among others.

If we experience them during long periods of time,

This may have profound effects in our behaviors.

I will give you an example that I find very suitable for this situation.

One lady that was having sessions with me to help her improve her relationship with herself and,

In general,

Revitalize her self-esteem levels,

Was being an object of devaluation,

Her treatment,

And rejection by her boss at work.

One day,

During one of our sessions,

She told me with a mischievous smile that during the weekly meeting at work,

She had realized that each time his boss proposed something or mentioned he was expecting something good to happen,

A little voice appeared in the background of her mind,

Saying,

I hope it doesn't work.

As it happened several times during the meeting,

She found this constant wishing things didn't work for her boss funny and amusing,

Because this was never part of her character,

She never wished ill on others.

She expressed that during the meetings,

She was constantly challenged and her ability to perform was constantly questioned by her boss in front of everybody,

And although none of her colleagues agreed with it,

Nobody ever said anything,

Although she understood why her colleagues may have not stepped in.

This made her feel sad and disappointed towards them,

While feelings of anger and hostility were developed over her boss.

So this is a clear example of the effect of rejection on us.

Scientific studies have shown that continued exposure to rejection negatively affects our levels of generosity and compassion for ourselves and others.

It also decreases our capacity to display and nurture positive emotions,

And limits our ability to self-regulate.

When this happens,

We may disconnect from our inner self and open space to unhealthy behaviors as for example overeating.

Rejected people also become inclined to behave in a selfish way if they realize their behavior will not increase their level of acceptance or will not improve their negative situation.

Rejection is a source of frustration and anger when it is interpreted as an indication of us being denied the possibility to achieve our goals.

Some of the topics why we feel rejected can range from being accepted and respected by our peers,

Or being loved by our romantic partner,

Or being successful at work.

If the person doesn't have the necessary emotional and psychological tools,

As well as the right context to deal with this type of situation,

Constant rejection may also result in aggression.

We all have heard this type of very sad cases in the news,

And I will not go into detail,

But it's important to know that this is not the most likely thing to happen,

As this is not adaptive,

It is counterproductive,

Because hostility and violence,

For obvious reasons,

Will result in more rejection rather than acceptance.

But ok,

What can we do about it?

What solutions we have at hand?

As we have seen,

Rejection brings with it social pain,

Which is the way our body responds to being ignored or excluded by those around us.

This pain is accompanied by emotional distress and affects our ways of thinking and acting.

Fortunately,

We all possess automatic coping strategies that will be activated immediately to diminish the discomfort caused by rejection.

But the efficacy of these strategies will depend,

As I have mentioned before,

On the quality of our emotional and psychological health.

So let's talk about 5 science-based strategies that we can adopt to reduce the effects of rejection.

Research has shown that having a high level of self-esteem is a good protector against the negative effects of rejection.

Then,

Learning to maintain our self-esteem in healthy levels can be one of the first measures to adopt when seeking the improvement of our well-being during difficult periods,

And to avoid the detrimental effects of future projections.

But be aware that this is not as simple as tell ourselves in front of the mirror how wonderful we are and how nice we are looking today.

Working on our self-esteem is a bit more complex than that,

But it's satisfying and definitely worthwhile doing because it will have an immense positive repercussion in our emotional and mental health.

Learning how to cultivate and nurture our self-esteem is a beautiful and interesting process that involves the acquisition of different tools to nurture our psychological well-being.

Now,

The practice of mindfulness has also proven to be fantastic during these hurtful periods.

Starting or reinforcing our mindfulness practice is of great support as it reduces the intensity of difficult emotions and increases our sense of self-control.

This happens because when we are being mindful,

We are allowing things to be as they are without elaboration or further negative evaluations.

This means that the negativity derived from rejection is felt in a less intense way because we don't add things to it,

We don't dwell on it.

Being connected to the present moment allows us to notice positive things happening around us that we usually wouldn't pay attention to and that is very nurturing.

Even more,

When we are outside the rejecting environment,

Our attention will be connected to what is happening in that moment,

In the now,

And not to what others said or did before or what will happen in the near future.

Starting our day with a morning ritual that includes physical exercise and meditation can further support our intention to provide a positive environment for ourselves,

Our thoughts,

And our emotions.

Another thing we can do to help ourselves to overcome the pain of rejection is to engage in prosocial behavior.

It has been shown that it helps to minimize the feelings of being excluded because it increases our sense of belonging and our life satisfaction.

At the same time,

It also nurtures our self-esteem because it directly affects in a positive way our self-concept.

Additionally,

Reinforcing our links with those around us that treat us with respect and love and compassion is very beneficial to regain our sense of control and to further reduce the negative effect induced by rejection.

And lastly,

One of my favorites,

Reconnect with nature.

According to scientific studies,

Nature is a good antidote to recover from the negative effects caused by rejection.

A scientific explanation for this is that deep connection with the natural world seems to be part of our biology.

Then,

As this has been our birth home,

When we are in nature,

It has a positive effect on our sense of connectedness and belonging.

Finally,

A personal note.

We all have experienced rejection,

I recently did,

And that motivated me to share this talk with you.

The strategies I mentioned before are very helpful to help you deal with the pain.

But keep in mind that if the conditions around you seem not to improve,

At some point there may be the need to evaluate the situation and make decisions in favor of your well-being.

Let's keep in mind that each time we overcome a difficult situation,

Our psychological and physical well-being gets stronger.

I hope this has been helpful for you.

Thank you.

Reviews

Yes!! This was super helpful! Thank you. 🙏

Good clear advice.

I came back from a dance last night feeling rejected and this teaching reminded me of the wisdom behind rejection and what to do to build up my capacity to hold it and help sooth that part of me which feels it.

Thank you for the talk.
Every time we overcome a challenge, whether that takes minutes, days, months, a year, or even years, we become emotionally stronger and more resilient. That's motivation and reason to keep going.

Really useful and helpful talk, with strategies for dealing with these challenging feelings. I will do this again. Thank you for this gift.

I loved how lively and upbeat you kept your presentation. I believe it will help me to try to put into action the suggestions you proposed in your meditation.
Thank you very much!
Peace and Light,
Peter 🙏🙏🙏

Really informative

Fantastic talk! I loved all the supporting explanations from a science based and evolutionary psychology perspective. The set of tips at the end provided practical measures for dealing with the inevitable experience of rejection. I will surely come back to this talk again when I need a refresher.

Really useful. Thank you.

So helpful. Thank you.
I’ve been ghosted by my youngest daughter, including her blanket condemnation of me as a person and a mother, and deprived of contact with my youngest grandson. I am practicing acceptance without judgment, and directing my energy where it is welcome and appreciated. It’s a long process, and still a work in progress.

TY, very helpful especially heading into the holidays under the Covid dark clouds 🕉

Thank you. I found your talk helpful.

just what I needed to hear

Excellent insight, will pass this to all my friends, thank you for sharing 💙💙💙💙💙

this gave me so much insight I will have to listen to it again as a reminder, thank you!

Very helpful and reasuring.
Thank you so much for sharing.

Very Insightful, Helpful, & Practical
Much Appreciation