Teaching Others How To Treat You (Live Recording)

Discover what you need/want and learn how to communicate it with clarity and respect. You have the power to create healthier dynamics with others, to create clear boundaries, and to say no with love and intention. When you start modeling this, you will give others the opportunity to do the same.

Note: This is a Live Session Recording

Transcript

Welcome to another session.

Today we're gonna be covering a topic that is called how teaching others how to treat you.

So today I want to talk about how the way we behave,

The dynamics that we create with others and we follow with others are teaching other people what they can and cannot do with us.

So we have a lot of power and we have a lot of leadership available to teach others what we really want,

How we want them to treat us and this is not about about us telling them I want you to treat me this way or I want you to do this for me.

Sometimes it's just the way that you talk,

The way that you present yourself,

The boundaries that you create,

The things that you share,

Your body language.

There are many many many things that are going to make a dynamic work or not work and you have an opportunity to really reflect in every area of your life in every in every relationship that you have to see what's happening there.

Do you enjoy it?

Is there anything that you need to learn from that?

Is there anything that you would like to change?

And clarity about what you really want is probably the first step.

You really need to know and become aware of what is it that I want and need from this person,

From this interaction,

From this communication,

From this dynamic.

Sometimes we are following dynamics because unconsciously we are covering a need,

We are getting something from that dynamic.

Sometimes it's just comfort,

Sometimes it is familiarity,

Sometimes it is certainty,

Knowing what's going to happen and this we can go back to when we were a child,

When we were a kid,

Learning about the world,

Learning about ourselves,

Looking around and looking at the adults that were raising us and learning from that,

Learning what does it mean to love?

How is love expressed?

Am I getting hugs or maybe physical touch is not a thing?

And then you learn about every other thing in life and then when you grow up you learn and you know you are familiar with specific dynamics and sometimes we keep doing those dynamics,

We keep following those dynamics unconsciously because that's what we learned,

Because that's what we know.

And many times they no longer serve us and when we are staying in those dynamics we are teaching other people how they can treat us,

What's okay and what's not okay.

And many times it's a great opportunity for us to question,

It's a great opportunity for us to reflect,

To become aware and to then decide,

Do we want this anymore?

Do we want to change?

How does it look like to change?

What am I gonna do instead?

And really get clear with yourself about what you don't want first because most likely what you want you don't even know what that is yet but at least you know what you don't want anymore and then you start discovering what you would like instead.

Is this making sense so far?

I would like you guys to share in the chat if this is making sense.

What do you think about the topic of today?

What do you think about the idea of our ability to teach others how to treat us?

How much power do we have in your opinion to change that?

Yes,

Yes,

Perfect.

This is a much-needed topic.

Yeah,

Why would you say,

Kayla,

That this is a much-needed topic?

Like what's happening if this topic is not understood?

What happens if we don't take action about this?

What are the cons of us not taking action?

I think we have a lot of power.

Absolutely,

We do,

Hannah,

But many times we don't allow ourselves to use it.

Many times we believe that power means being disrespectful,

Being abusive,

Being a lot of things that we can be powerful and respectful.

We can be powerful and loving at the same time and I know it may be difficult.

It is truly difficult for me sometimes to stand for what I believe and be respectful at the same time.

Many times because I feel uncomfortable,

I tend to get tense.

I tend to because I'm entering uncharted territories that I am not used to and I have a few examples I will share with you in a little bit about how that shows up for me sometimes in real life examples.

But yes,

Yes,

Insightful,

Essential and I am learning these few years self-love actualize.

Amazing,

Alison.

Robert says complete sense,

Great topic.

Impressive for me.

I have let myself be walked on.

Yeah,

Exactly,

Be walked on.

How many of us have let other people walked on us and we didn't do anything about it and then after that we realized like why did we let that happen?

Why couldn't we set a boundary?

Why didn't we know how to do something different?

And again,

This is a great opportunity because it is our opportunity to learn.

It is our opportunity to accept what is true for us right now and to forgive ourselves for everything that we have been doing until now that we realize now,

Wow,

Why did I do that for so long?

Why did I allow that happening for so long?

Why did I allow that person to do this to me for so long?

But this is not,

I don't want you guys to use this topic to blame yourself,

To like beat yourself up.

Quite the opposite.

I would like you to look at what happened with acceptance,

With forgiveness,

With compassion.

Understanding that everything that we do in the present moment,

It's what we know best.

It's what we have the capacity for and the only thing that we can do is always improve but we cannot go to the past and change the past.

The only thing that we can change is how we move forward how we react to what happened.

That's the only thing that we have power over.

We don't have power to change what happened but we do have power to change how we react,

The meaning that we put to what happened.

We can transform,

Reframe,

Change that in a way that feels good to us,

In a way that becomes wisdom.

Wisdom that will guide us moving forward in a different direction and always with compassion,

Always with empathy with ourselves,

Always with patience,

A lot of patience.

Awareness is key,

No?

Alison asked.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Awareness is always the key for everything.

Every time we need to change,

Every time we want to change something in our lives,

Becoming aware of it is the first step.

We need to notice it.

We need to know that it is there because if we are not aware of something,

It's just we won't be able to do anything about it.

That's why when we talk about healing,

When we talk about changing habits,

Changing routines,

What we are doing,

We are trying to be present.

We are trying to watch ourselves and notice what do we do?

What is the pattern that is running in the background when this is happening?

And then once you shine the light on that,

That before it was happening unconsciously,

All of a sudden it becomes aware,

You become aware of it.

And now this is what happens majority of the times.

We become aware of something and we feel bad about it.

We feel the emotion about that thing and we feel guilt,

We feel overwhelmed,

We feel ashamed,

We feel all these emotions because we uncovered something that most likely is going to be ugly,

Most likely it's going to be something that we don't like,

Something that we no longer want,

But it is there and it has been there for a while most likely.

So that's why we have to be very compassionate,

We have to be very present,

We have to be very empathetic with ourselves and with others and understand that now we have an opportunity with the consciousness that we have now uncovering this thing,

This new thing that we didn't know it was there or we didn't want to look at it or we didn't have the capacity to look at it.

Now we do have those things and now we can look face to face to that and we can decide what do I want to do with this?

And you don't need to know what to do with it yet,

At least you are uncovering that,

You are sitting there in front of it,

You are holding space for that and you are understanding why is this here?

Why did I do this for so long?

What was I getting out of this?

What was this thing protecting me from?

And it's very helpful to really pick an example,

Okay?

Because I'm talking very abstractly here and maybe you are thinking what is he talking about?

And that's why I always invite you guys to find specific examples in your life so that you can really look at something very very practical because at the end of the day this has to be practical.

If not,

If you don't know how to take action on this it's gonna be very difficult to do something about it.

It's gonna stay in the theory but you have to make it functional,

You have to make it tangible somehow and you have to find a way to take a different action in this.

Keila says because we can default to giving over our power and not authentically show up for ourselves and our needs.

Keila,

Beautiful,

Exactly because we can give our power away not authentically showing up for ourselves and our needs and the things that we want.

This is why at the beginning I started by reminding you the most important piece here is that you become aware and get clear about what do you want?

What do you need?

And this is the question that you need to ask with specific dynamics,

With specific communications,

With specific people that you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis,

With yourself,

With specific patterns that you are noticing,

That you are following,

Like what do you want?

And it can be like I don't want to do this anymore.

That's a great start.

Maybe you don't know what to do instead but at least you know,

You have the clarity that I had enough of this.

So now you're gonna be looking for options and guys I want to share with you what's happening in the background in your brain here because what's happening here you are using your executive functioning skills and I talk about this a lot and I do have a course about them in case you are interested.

It's called Understanding Your Executive Functioning Skills and today's topic is so tied with those skills because when you are trying to become aware of what's happening you are using your metacognition.

Metacognition is the executive functioning skill that allows you to be present,

Allows you to think how you think.

It allows you to watch yourself doing things.

It's the skill that allows yourself to reflect about what you have done and then adjust,

Do something different,

Okay?

So metacognition is the skill that allows you to be present,

To be mindful,

To be in the present moment with what is here.

Then there is another skill that is cognitive flexibility or adaptable thinking and this is the executive functioning skill that it is going to allow you to see possibilities.

It's going to allow you to see the reality from different points of view.

It's going to allow you to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see their reality from their own eyes rather than from you.

It's the skill that is going to allow you to change and evolve as things change in front of you instead of you getting stuck and getting frustrated with all the redirection that is happening in your life.

Sometimes you are going to start flowing.

Okay this is changed,

Okay let's go with it.

There must be a reason and I don't need to understand everything.

I'm just going to flow with it.

That is cognitive flexibility.

There is another one that is emotional self-regulation.

This is the one that is going to allow you to cope and manage the emotions that are going to show up when you are uncovering these things,

When you are feeling uncomfortable,

When you are choosing to do something that you have no idea how to do yet and you just feel that tension in the pit of your stomach,

You feel the tension in your necks and shoulders,

Your voice gets like you can barely speak because you are feeling like you are not allowed to.

All these things will show up and you have to be able to manage them and this is your emotional self-regulation.

Then you have your impulse control.

That is another skill that will allow you to stop reacting to things and start using your metacognition more so that you can react.

Instead of you reacting unconsciously to things and feeling triggered,

You are going to let space.

Something happens,

Something triggers you,

You are going to take a couple of deep breaths,

You are going to notice what you are feeling,

You are going to stay present with it,

You are going to remind yourself I don't need to know what to do with this,

I'm just going to hold space for this,

I am feeling overwhelmed,

I am feeling ashamed,

I am feeling whatever it is,

But I don't need to do anything about it yet.

I'm just going to give space and time.

I don't have to react the way I have always done.

I can do something different and then by you creating that space,

That silence,

That mindful moment,

Then you are going to start trusting your inner guidance,

Your intuition,

Your gut feeling,

However you want to call it,

And then you're going to know what to do.

You're going to know what the next step is for you and that's going to allow you to start doing something different and that's the combination of all the skills that I just mentioned working together.

Maxine says I was aware when I first practiced this,

It was uncomfortable and it was too damn uncomfortable to keep reacting the way it was.

That muscle is getting stronger.

Absolutely,

The more you practice,

The more capacity you are going to build.

It's like a muscle that you have to flex.

Maura says I am stuck because fear of the unknown.

Maura,

Let me talk about the unknown and let me talk about how important it is to build capacity to be comfortable with the unknown,

With the uncertainty.

This is something that I learned very strongly from Dr.

Joe Dispenza and I did a 10-day retreat with him a few months ago.

This is something that I have always read from books from other authors too and how important it is to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Let me ask you a question.

This is for all of you.

If you can predict what's going to happen,

If you can know what's going to happen,

Would you say that there is space for you to change and do something different or would you say that that's going to be the same thing that you have always done repeated again?

Let me ask you the question again.

If you can predict your future,

If you can predict how things are going to unfold,

Would you say that there is any room in there for you to change or would you say that you are going to repeat the same thing again and obtain the same results again?

Because this is what happens when you try to change.

You have to enter the unknown.

In the unknown is where magic happens.

In the unknown is where you have the possibility to do something different.

And yes,

You don't know what that is.

And yes,

You can fail.

And yes,

Instead of calling it failing,

You can call it discovering.

You can call it going on an adventure.

You can call it I'm allowing myself a testing period of time.

You can call it many other ways,

Many other words rather than failing because you are not failing.

You are just testing.

You are discovering what works.

You are experiencing.

You are trying something different and seeing how it goes until you find something else that works better than what you used to do before.

But that will not happen if you don't enter the unknown,

If you don't stop doing what you know and start doing something that is different.

Repeat the same again.

No change.

Same results.

Same reaction means I keep failing.

I need to do something different.

Amazing.

Good morning,

Emilio and all from Boston.

We shouldn't feel like we are a victim of our own circumstance.

Acceptance and forgiveness with ourselves and overcoming the ego can be empowering for our own personal and spiritual growth.

Yeah.

That's very nicely said,

Rob.

We don't have to be a victim of our own circumstances because we can choose how to react to what happened.

We can choose what happened and the same event can have a completely different effect in many people.

So the same event can be traumatic for some people,

Can be a little bit triggering for some other people,

And can be nothing for some other people.

So you have the capacity to choose and to really become consciously aware of what am I doing with this?

How am I coping with this?

What are the opportunities here for me to learn?

And why is this event happening for me?

And then using that point of view,

Instead of you being a victim of a circumstance,

You can do something with that.

You can learn something.

That circumstance can help you evolve and grow and learn from ourselves.

But yeah,

Being afraid of the unknown,

It's normal.

We humans,

We don't like change.

We don't like doing something different because we don't know what's going to happen.

It's uncertain.

And many times we stay in our comfort zone because of that.

But this is a personal choice.

Honestly,

It is a personal choice.

You can choose if you want to change or you can choose if you want to stay where you are at.

This is your choice.

The only thing that I want you to understand is that if you are feeling frustration,

If you are feeling like I had enough of this,

If you are not feeling happy,

Most likely there is something that needs to change.

And then my question to you is what's worth more?

Staying where you are,

Knowing that you're going to be feeling like this and not doing anything about it,

Or entering the unknown and seeking for something different?

Accepting that maybe the first,

The second,

The third path that you try maybe won't work either,

But at least you are trying.

And what happens if something works way better than what you used to know?

And all of a sudden,

Instead of you being here,

You are evolving and you are here,

All because you were brave enough to enter the unknown and you accepted that I'm entering the unknown.

I don't have to have high expectations.

The only thing I know is that what I used to do,

It no longer serves me.

I don't quite understand what I need to do next,

But I am happy to discover it.

And all of a sudden,

You are not failing.

You are just entering your next adventure.

And that mindset is just so much more empowering than staying afraid to fail and really creating high expectations for yourself to the point that you don't take any action because you are terrorized about failing.

And then if that's you,

I will invite you to really understand what's underneath all of that.

What is underneath your fear of failing?

What happens if you fail?

And why don't you allow yourself the time and the space to try something different without expectations to see if it works better than what you have?

And why can you create specific rules that feel good to you to enter that unknown?

Maybe you don't have to jump into the unknown 100%.

Maybe you can start building capacity,

Start building patience,

Start building strength in that unknown.

Like if you're feeling anxious,

Just thinking about it,

Then expose yourself a little bit more slowly until you start building more and more and more capacity to be there and to be comfortable with feeling that way.

And I promise you that the more you practice this,

The more capacity you are going to build and the more,

The deeper you're going to be able to go into that unknown when you need to.

Elizabeth says,

How can I slow down to make that choice though?

So Elizabeth,

How can you slow down to make that choice using your metacognition?

That is the secret.

Metacognition is the executive functioning skill that allows you to be mindful,

Allows you to be present,

Allows you to watch yourself.

And the only way for you to watch yourself is to be in the present moment,

To be more intentional than whatever is happening in the background of your brain.

Instead of you reacting and repeating unconsciously actions because you have done it for 10,

20,

30 years,

You are more intentional,

You are more present,

And you are noticing,

Wow,

Emilio,

You are doing the same thing.

You are reacting to this event the same way.

No,

You are not going to do that again.

Let's be present.

What can I do instead?

Let's try something different.

And yes,

That takes a lot of energy.

And yes,

It's very easy to go unconscious and keep doing what you used to do.

And you are going to go back to the old patterns and then come back.

And this is the battle.

This is the work,

To be conscious,

To pick something very specific in your life that you want to change and then to start working at it.

And then we can pick a specific example.

For example,

Something that happened to me the other day.

We went to a restaurant.

Two friends,

My wife and myself,

We went to a restaurant.

And I remember they had a menu,

15 euros.

It said on the board outside,

It said,

First,

Second,

Dessert and drinks included.

And then we sat on the table and then they brought us the menu and it said the same thing.

So we had a dinner there.

And the service wasn't great,

But it's OK.

That happens in some restaurants.

But then when we went to pay,

The woman was saying that the drinks were not included and we had to pay an extra 10 euros or something like that.

And it wasn't about the money.

It was about the fact that it is very clearly stated.

So it was very uncomfortable for me to even question that to the woman,

To say,

Excuse me,

I don't want to pay this 10 extra dollars because the menu price is really clear in two places.

And then it was very uncomfortable for me to do that.

So that's a very specific example of the old pattern that I follow of you don't matter.

You are not big enough.

Other people have more power than you.

You don't deserve this.

You always do what others tell you.

All this crap was running in my head.

And that's why it was so uncomfortable for me to to really stand up for myself.

But I did stand up for myself and I did not pay the money.

But I had a really hard time and I couldn't be loving and respectful and be calm.

I was stressed.

I was my body was reacting like like a tiger was coming to eat me.

I was like almost upset and elevated my voice because I had no idea how to do it.

But the way for me to get more comfortable is to keep practicing.

So the next time I take that example and I did meditate on it and I thought,

What can I do different next time?

How can I self-regulate?

Because I don't want to get upset and I don't need to get upset.

I just have to state what is and I pay the price that I that was on the menu.

And that's it.

And if the person gets upset,

It's her problem or his problem.

It's not my problem.

And I don't have to get caught in that emotion.

But she was saying,

Oh,

You know,

The prices went up and I didn't have time to change the menu.

And I said,

Well,

I'm sorry,

But it is not my fault.

And this is what you chose to do.

And it's in two places.

And it's a board that you broke with Chuck today.

So I'm sorry that you didn't change the price.

It's not my problem.

I didn't agree to something different,

But it was very uncomfortable.

That's just one example.

So I invite you to pick a specific example in your life that you would like to change,

That you would like to treat differently and then start trying something different.

But at least I didn't just pay the price and then go home and then feel like shit,

Feel like I was taken advantage of.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't honor my needs.

I didn't honor what I felt was was justice.

So I didn't allow that to happen.

And yes,

It was uncomfortable.

Yes,

I didn't like it,

But at least I did something different.

It wasn't what I would have liked to see.

No,

But at least it's something.

It's some progress in there.

Next time I will have to work on being more kind,

Maybe finding some humor,

Maybe being having more capacity to be uncomfortable and still honor my need and my truth.

So let me see.

Robert says,

Making plans has historically backfired on me and landed me in a nine-year trap that's still ongoing.

Words are easy here,

But action is the answer.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Robert,

As you say,

Action is the answer.

Thinking about things only will not change anything.

The most important piece here is to take action,

Is to mindfully,

When you are in a situation that you want to change,

Mindfully doing something different,

Mindfully reminding yourself,

Next time I am dealing with X,

I have to try something different.

And then you will use your cognitive flexibility to come up and brainstorm ideas.

In my case,

In that specific scenario of not wanting to pay the extra money because I felt it was unfair,

I thought about what are the options that I have.

If this happens again,

What can I do differently instead of getting upset,

Instead of raising my voice,

Instead of feeling like I was fighting with the woman,

What can I do different so that it doesn't feel like a confrontation anymore?

And the only person that is fighting is her,

But I don't enter that dynamic.

And then that's when you are using those skills to really think about,

Well,

Maybe I can just have the cash ready and just give her the cash and don't even argue with her.

Another option will be to,

Before sitting at the table,

Making sure,

Excuse me,

The menu,

I just want to double check is 15 euros and this is what,

How much we have in here.

This is what's included.

Is that correct?

Yes.

I don't know.

I started to think of all the options and then next time this happens,

It will be different.

And if I keep doing this over and over,

I can promise you that I will create a very good system,

A very good reaction,

A very good pattern with this specific example.

And if I keep doing this with other areas of my life,

Then there will always be progress,

Slow progress by taking consistent and small action that is helping us change the way we behave.

So Kayla says,

Emilio,

This talk is amazing.

I didn't even know all of this was going on in the background of my programming.

Yeah,

It's all programming.

It's all about,

Call it programming,

Call it conditioning,

Call it what you learned when you were little.

And many times we are caught in these dynamics and we are teaching people how to treat us in a specific way because that is what we learned.

That is what we saw from our parents,

From the people that raised us,

From our environment.

And that's what we have been dealing with.

So when we try to do something different,

Of course,

We don't know how to do it because we have not seen it before.

It's a different dynamic and it's going to feel uncomfortable until we do it a few times.

But again,

This is a personal choice.

I'm not saying everybody needs to change everything.

You will choose and you will feel what you need to change,

What you want to change.

Alison says,

Emilio,

I recently had a similar event and I was happy that at least I did something different.

I believe I attracted a difficult situation so that I can grow.

Amazing,

Alison.

And you keep growing.

Every time you do a little bit of work,

You keep growing and you keep doing things differently.

And when you grow and when you do things differently,

You present yourself differently,

You communicate differently,

And you start creating different dynamics with people and you start creating boundaries that are different.

And all of a sudden,

People will understand and know,

Oh,

I cannot do this with Emilio because he will not accept it.

So I will do this instead.

And then all of a sudden,

The dynamic has changed.

And I have a specific example about teaching how others can treat you.

And this was at work.

When I was working back in the day,

I was working in a place where I was doing installations.

And I remember that I was working eight hours a day.

And then I was on salary.

I didn't get paid for extra hours that I was doing.

And then one day,

We had to stay because we were changing the boiling water tank from a family.

And I understood,

OK,

It's 5 o'clock.

We have two more hours to finish.

And we didn't want to leave the family without water.

OK,

It makes sense.

I will stay two hours.

No problem.

So we stayed there.

We finish.

And then we charge them for the price.

And then we went back home.

And then at the end of the month,

I didn't see any extra money.

But my boss did charge for the extra time.

So I confronted him.

And again,

I felt I sat with my intuition.

And I asked myself,

How do I feel about this?

And my truth was I feel it's unfair.

I feel I did my best.

I did show up.

I did the best for everybody involved that I thought was the best.

My company got paid for it.

The client was happy that we stayed.

But I didn't get anything out of it.

I actually lost two hours.

So I went to my boss and I say,

Hey,

Excuse me.

I don't see any extra money for that day that I stayed two extra hours.

What happened?

And then he told me,

We don't pay for extra time here.

OK,

So can I take those two hours from another day and go home earlier?

No,

No,

We don't.

We don't recover the extra time here.

We have to work eight hours a day.

OK,

So then what can I do?

He said,

There is nothing to be done.

OK,

So then I don't understand.

Sorry,

Like explain it to me because I don't understand this.

So you did charge for that.

I did stay.

I did finish that.

So what do I get for that?

And he said,

I'm sorry,

But we don't pay for extra time.

OK,

OK,

I get it.

No problem.

So guess what happened next time that that happened?

Guess who went home at 5 p.

M.

?

I went home.

My co-workers stayed and they didn't understand that I was going home.

But I told them,

Like,

I'm going home.

And you think my boss came to me to tell me anything?

Do you think that he asked me any more to stay longer?

Never.

Do you think he fired me?

No.

And then what happened with my co-workers?

They got resented.

They didn't understand why is he getting special treatment?

And I told them,

Like,

Guys,

If I don't get paid,

I don't stay here.

And if my boss doesn't want to pay me,

I won't stay.

He can stay.

He's the boss.

He can stay here and he can charge for it.

But I will not stay because I don't think it's fair.

And then guess what happened?

No one stayed after that.

We stopped doing that.

And then when we had to do that,

My boss had to pay extra time.

So all of a sudden,

I created a precedent that didn't exist before because I questioned,

Because I got uncomfortable and I asked for what I thought was fair.

So this is another specific example that your actions can have a huge impact in people around you and that you sometimes have way more power than you think when you are doing something that feels aligned,

Something that is respectful,

Something that is fair.

At the end,

It's fair.

And you are having an open communication with flexibility without being upset.

And then you are allowing the other person to explain.

You are trying to understand their position.

And then at the end of the day,

It's like,

Well,

It just doesn't make any sense.

And you are not clarifying to me anything differently.

So I don't have any reasoning to change the way I think about this.

So I'm going to keep following what I think is fair.

And that's what I did.

So Robert says,

Today,

I didn't take action again with someone who owes me money,

My landlady.

She always has an excuse.

I don't stand up to her.

So,

Robert,

That's another opportunity for you to really think about what can you do different?

What can you do different next time?

How can you approach the situation in a completely different way?

And I do have another story about what happened with my landlord when we came to Canada.

Sorry,

When we came to Barcelona,

We wanted to do a sabbatical year.

And well,

I can share it if you guys want to.

But let me see the comments again.

Thank you guys so much for the donations that I'm seeing coming in.

Donations really help support my work.

So I really,

Really appreciate your support.

So thank you so much.

Brenda says,

My son,

Claudia says,

Communication while staying in the heart.

Yeah,

That is really,

Really important.

Communication while staying in the heart.

And I'm happy to share another story that I actually did that.

And it was really,

Really successful.

My son is a stay-at-home dad.

He's struggling with self-worth and isolation.

He's depressed and feels his life is going nowhere.

How can I help him?

I live in a different state.

He's really down and negative.

So,

Brenda,

I'm sorry that your son is going through that stage.

And I can see how isolation can cause those mental health.

Yeah,

It's very easy to feel depressed.

It's very easy to feel like you are worth nothing when you are not doing anything meaningful.

And sometimes it's really difficult to motivate people that are feeling that way.

And it's just very difficult.

So what can you do about it?

Hold space for the person.

Ask really good questions.

Ask them,

How can I support you best?

What do you need from me?

Be honest sometimes.

Be honest about this.

And I try my best.

I try to stay positive.

And anytime I come here,

I just feel drained.

And I don't know what to do.

And I really want to help you,

But I don't know how to help you.

And sometimes that can be really hurtful too.

But if this is draining you and you don't know what else to do,

Sometimes being honest,

It's also helpful.

Even though it can be uncomfortable,

Sometimes it's helpful to say how you feel in this time.

To say how I'm feeling sad because I don't know how to support you.

I don't know how to empower you.

I don't know how to motivate you.

And it breaks my heart to see you this way.

And I would like to know what to do,

But I don't know.

And anytime I come here,

I just go home very sad and feeling very down.

And I don't know if I should stop coming.

Maybe come less often.

Maybe we can meet somewhere else and do something different.

Maybe you can guys brainstorm ideas on fun things that you could do together outside of the home.

Sometimes what works really best in these cases is to change the routine to stir things up a little bit.

Sometimes really understanding what are the things that this person likes doing and then promote them.

Maybe help them go to them.

Find what kind of self-care they need,

They want,

They enjoy and support them.

But sometimes it's really difficult.

And I know this from experience.

I was raised in a household with schizophrenia,

With bipolar,

With depression,

With yeah.

And it wasn't fun.

And it was sometimes it was very difficult.

It wasn't anything I could do.

And that's why self-care for me was really,

Really the key for me to stay sane.

So many times people ask me,

How could you stay sane when you were 13,

14 years old?

How did you manage to stay sane in such an environment?

And the only answer I have for them is like,

I just did a lot of self-care.

I joined a hiking club.

Every weekend I was going out hiking in nature.

And I was staying with people that uplifted me.

And I was sleeping in different places.

And I was doing sports.

And I was reading books.

And that's what helped me stay sane.

Because if I didn't have those avenues,

I would probably be depressed too,

Of course.

Yeah.

So I really like what Claudia says about communication while staying in the heart.

And this is the last story that I have for you guys about this and how much power we have.

And my landlord,

When we were renting the apartment,

I remember that he got really upset because we were renting the apartment.

And the person that wanted to rent the apartment,

Like our apartment,

We have rented it for 10 years.

And the price,

The rental prices went up a lot.

So we rented with a market value.

And then the price was higher than what we were paying.

But I didn't hide anything from him.

I said,

We found this person.

She can take care of our cat.

And she is paying this fee.

And then I was just looking to negotiate with him whatever we needed to negotiate.

But he got really,

Really upset to the point that he didn't want to allow us to sublet the apartment.

And he basically was telling us,

I'm not letting you do this.

So I went home.

And I was surprised because it's like,

Wow,

I don't understand.

I found the perfect tenant.

She's solvent.

She's single.

She's a retired teacher.

She's beautiful.

She wants to take care of my cat.

She's paying more rent than I am willing to share with him.

So I didn't understand what the problem was.

But she was,

He was so,

So,

So upset.

So I did what she said,

What Kayla,

I really connected with my heart.

And then I really got clear with myself and with Samantha first about what is most important here,

This apartment or doing a sabbatical year in Spain and spending time with my family and giving Eva,

My daughter Eva,

The opportunity to learn Spanish and to be in that environment for a year.

And I got clear that that was a priority.

And Samantha and myself,

We did a ceremony together.

And we realized like,

Yeah,

This is what we really want to do.

And we are willing to let go of everything if that's the only answer.

So my intuition told me,

Because Mike didn't want to talk to me,

He just said,

He was very,

Very,

Very upset.

So my intuition told me,

Emilio,

Go home,

Write a letter,

Express gratitude for all the years,

All these 10 years.

And I started writing the letter by hand.

I'm really grateful for all the support that you offer.

I'm really grateful to have been able to live in this house for these last 10 years.

I'm really grateful for everything that you have fixed for us when things broke.

You came right away and you were really good.

I'm grateful that you cut the grass.

I'm grateful that you removed the snow.

I'm grateful all the things that I was grateful for.

And then I shared about COVID and I shared how hard it was COVID for me,

How hard it was for my parents,

How hard it was for Eva not to have that communication with my parents.

And I told him how important this was for me and for Eva.

And I told him,

Like,

I'm willing to let go of everything to make this happen.

And I understand that you are upset,

And I accept it.

I would love to find a way to negotiate with you,

But clearly you don't want to,

And I respect that.

But then this is,

And I included a letter that said,

I'm leaving the apartment,

A notice letter,

60-day notice letter.

And I told him,

Like,

I have put the letter in there that you can accept if you want us to leave forever and never come back.

And then I put a reference letter,

And I asked him,

I would love if you can write us a reference letter so that we can find a new place when we come back.

And then I gave him the letter,

And I knocked on his door,

Gave him the letter.

And I understand that sometimes verbal communication is not the only way to do things.

And I understand that he got really,

Really upset,

And verbal communication was very difficult for him.

He was having problems emotionally self-regulating,

And I could see that,

But I was in my heart.

I had the capacity,

I don't know how,

To be in my heart to hold space.

And he looked at me,

And he normally has the tendency to get upset.

I was just there,

Saying,

Mike,

I just want to talk to you when you are ready.

I don't have to do it right now.

And I understand that you are upset,

And that's okay.

And then he was just there,

And then I gave him the letter,

And then that was 7 p.

M.

That day.

And then Samantha and I,

We got a line that,

Okay,

If we have to sell everything and let go of everything,

We are ready to do that,

And we will have fun doing that.

And if we can come back here,

We will accept that too.

So we were open and accepting both cases,

Scenarios.

11 p.

M.

,

We hear a knock on the door,

And it was him.

And then he said,

He was almost crying,

And he said,

Guys,

I've been thinking,

And you guys can do this.

We'll arrange how tomorrow,

But you guys are safe.

I don't want you to leave.

And then that's how it happened.

And then we were able to negotiate.

We were able to go back to being in our hearts,

And to find a way together on how to make this a success.

And that was another example on how you can change the dynamics by being first,

Having the clarity about what is it that you want.

How do you want things to be?

What is accepted and what is not from your own truth?

And then once you get clear on that,

You have to have the courage to go for it,

And you have to have the courage to let go and make things happen and take action,

Even though it may feel uncomfortable,

Even though it may be uncertain.

So that's another story about how you can change how things are just by being in your heart,

Just by being respectful,

Respectful,

Just by being able to hold space for others that maybe are having a hard time.

And instead of each other reacting to each other and becoming a fight,

All of a sudden,

This became this beautiful communication,

Heartfelt,

Where we both had the opportunity to really understand what was happening.

And then we were able to sit at a table together and talk about the options.

What can we do openly?

And then he said,

We can do this.

And I said,

We can do that.

And then we started to negotiate.

And there was even humor involved.

So it was kind of funny.

Yeah.

So guys,

Thank you so much for being here.

I hope that this session was inspiring to you.

I hope that you can start taking action in a different way.

I hope that you can gain clarity and allow yourself time to really understand what is it that I want in every situation that I feel frustrated about,

That I feel emotionally charged,

Any time I feel that I'm being taken advantage of,

Or any time you feel that something is just not sitting well with you and you would like to change it.

I hope that you have some tools now and some examples on how to become aware of it,

How to be compassionate,

Patient,

How to bring presence,

How to use those executive functioning skills that I mentioned,

And then how to start showing up in similar situations in a different way.

And notice how you feel uncomfortable,

Notice how much of a struggle it is to do something different,

And celebrate every inch of the way.

Celebrate every inch of the way.

Sometimes,

Even if you don't do anything,

But you become aware of it,

That's already a success,

Because next time you will do something about it.

At least you became aware of,

Oh yeah,

This was like that time,

And I again didn't do anything,

But you already did something,

You are aware,

And you were present with the idea,

Oh no,

This happened before,

And I wanted to do it differently,

And I am actually doing what I didn't want to do.

You are already being present,

You are already being aware of it in the present moment,

So the next time you will be closer to taking a different action.

So don't underestimate your progress.

This is not a linear progress,

This is not something that will happen super fast.

Sometimes it just,

It seems like you make some progress,

And then you go backwards,

And then you make some progress,

And then you go backwards,

So it looks like this,

But in the long run you are making progress,

You are building those muscles of decision making,

Of presence,

Of saying no,

Of connecting with your heart when you are upset,

And etc,

Etc.

Okay,

Yeah,

Emilio,

Your story reminds me of the boss in the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase,

Though kidnapping as a little extreme,

Laughing out loud.

Yeah,

Thank you,

Becca,

Your experience with Landor inspires me to be more open with others.

Yeah,

So remember that being connected with your heart when you are communicating something difficult,

And allowing space,

And really acknowledging what's present,

And being vulnerable with it,

And allowing others to do the same,

It's just the best thing you can do,

And it's the best way for you to change dynamics,

And to change,

Like the last story,

And then I finish the call.

I remember that many times with my father,

He would get upset about something that I did,

Or something that he didn't like,

And I remember that I always reacted to him,

He would say something,

I would say something,

And then we would get in this argument,

And then I realized like this is not,

This is not what I want anymore,

I don't want to do this,

And I love my dad,

And I understand why he's behaving this way,

I understand that he's doing the best that he knows right now,

But I know more now,

I have more consciousness,

I have other ideas,

And I remember that I would just say when he was upset,

He was expecting me to get triggered,

And then share that upsetness with him,

And I would say dad,

I just love you,

You are such a stubborn person,

But you just never let go,

Even though you have no,

What you are saying doesn't make any sense,

You keep going,

And I love you,

Give me a hug,

And I would just give me a hug,

And then he would just kind of look at me,

He didn't know what to do,

He was like what the heck is happening here,

And he would start laughing,

And that's because I broke the pattern,

I was able to break the pattern that he was always used to,

And I would do something completely different,

And he would be like I don't know what to do here,

I don't know what's happening here,

And then his reaction would be like leave me alone,

But he would start laughing,

And that's when I knew I broke your pattern again,

And yeah,

And then we were just laughing,

But I didn't let that control me anymore,

So when you can get to that point,

You will notice magic happening,

Okay?

Well guys,

Thank you so much,

On Thursday we're going to be talking about something very similar to what we talk about today,

So I hope that you can join on Thursday at the same time,

3 p.

M.

European time,

And until then,

If you want to join one of my courses,

Please do so and engage in the course classroom,

And I will look forward to supporting you there too,

Okay?

Okay guys,

See you on Thursday,

Adios!

Reviews

I just happened on this talk. I could feel your true self shining through from here in Málaga province. I'm also Canadian from BC.
I loved the story about your dad. How nice you are. I'm going to now learn more about you.

Thank you. I found your examples extremely helpful.

Interesting topic but listening to a live that isn’t live is harder, still good though!

Thank you Emilio , learnt so much from you, now I need to put into practice. Forever grateful to you 🙏🏼