Who Cares What You Think? - Weekly Energy Boost

Other people's perceptions of us often take center stage, which can distract us from our goals and priorities. When we can identify and understand why we seek approval - or don't - we can release ourselves from the shackles of the opinions of others. Original Airdate: 2/21/22

Transcript

Good morning,

Everyone,

Good evening,

Good afternoon,

Wherever you are,

And welcome to this week's Weekly Energy Boost.

My name is Elie Sheva,

And by popular demand,

I am joined today by Bhatia Solomon,

Who if you've been listening,

You know Bhatia.

If this is your first episode of the Weekly Energy Boost,

You are in for a treat.

The Weekly Energy Boost is a seven-day spiritual weather forecast where we take into account the wisdom of Kabbalah and its teachings around what this week is about.

We translate that into practical wisdom and tools,

Not only for our listeners to use this week,

But inevitably to take into everyday life.

And today we are talking about other,

Well,

The title is,

Who Cares What You Think?

Which might trigger some people,

Because,

Of course,

Your opinion is very important.

But what we're focusing on this week is how we are influenced by other people's opinions,

Perceptions,

And approval of us,

Or lack thereof.

And it's interesting that it comes up in this time,

Or of course it's not a coincidence.

We've been talking these past few weeks about the influence not only of the weekly energy,

But also the monthly energy.

Pisces tend to be approval-driven folk.

And that is not to say that other signs are not,

But because this is the month of Pisces,

We all tend to behave a little Pisces,

Which can be a fabulous thing if you are ready to strengthen your intuition and your sensitivity and the ability to take in what's going around you and meet people where they're at.

However,

One of the downfalls of being a Pisces is the preoccupation with how other people see you.

And the Kabbalists are very strong about the problem with being concerned about what other people think about you.

It's considered a form of slavery.

And I know that that can be also a triggering word for people.

I'm using the words of the Kabbalists from the last 2,

000 years,

Let's say,

Even longer,

Even further.

And it's a form of slavery,

But they don't mince words about the approval issue.

And the problem with it is that when we care about what people think about us,

Or we're driven to do or to not do things because of what people think about us,

What it means is that we're not operating from our true selves.

We're not allowing our true essence to be expressed.

And so it also can mean that we're only doing things when they will give us likes or approval or appreciation,

Or when it's going to do some PR for us.

So we might only be motivated by things because it's going to make me look good.

It's going to make me look spiritual.

It's going to make me look like I care.

Even if the outcome is positive,

The motive is that slavery.

And the Kabbalists say,

You know,

It's okay to be aware of other people's perceptions of you,

But it's not okay to be motivated by them.

And I think today,

One of the things we want to get down to is not only,

Not why,

Because I think the why is obvious,

Right?

The human psyche,

The structure of a human being is that of a vessel,

That we're born to receive.

We talk about this almost on every episode,

But the fact is most of the time where we settle for instant gratification,

A quick fulfillment,

Rather than long-term lasting fulfillment and approval is one of those short-term fixes.

It feels good for the moment,

But 10 minutes later we're empty again and we need some more.

And the Kabbalists explain,

And Bhati,

I want to,

Of course,

I want to hear what you have to say about this,

But the Kabbalists explain that that influence,

Every time we allow ourselves to be influenced by other people's opinions and we allow ourselves to be enslaved by other people's perceptions,

We're actually attaching even those positive actions that are motivated by approval to darkness.

So even though it may give a rush of positivity or a good feeling temporarily,

Not only to me as the giver,

But also to the recipient,

Ultimately I'm attracting more darkness into my lives.

And the reason I think it's important that we put the slavery metaphor out there in the first place is because I don't think any of us would want to be enslaved by our coffee,

Sipping our coffee.

But also because,

I know I've had moments in my spiritual journey where I hear a teaching like that and I say,

I don't want to do that.

I didn't realize I'm doing that and therefore that strong rejection or repulsion from being a slave,

Let's say,

Helps me be more aware of when I'm falling to that tendency.

So I mean,

Let's say you,

You know,

You meet a lot of people,

You teach a lot of classes.

This is not a,

What's the word?

I haven't just invented this concept,

I'm sure you've had the opportunity to talk about it,

To share with it.

What do you think is the problem with,

What do you share with people when they have that issue?

What is the big deal with being affected by what other people think of you?

Well,

Whenever we are externally focused,

We're always going to feel emptiness and lack.

That's when you feel bitter,

Jealous,

Resentful,

Needy,

Very reactive.

And when we're not in touch with the cause of these things,

What happens is we're already bundles of neediness.

We're already walking around with a tank full of anger,

Resentment,

Hurt,

Blame.

And then something happens and it feels like,

Oh,

It's them.

You know,

They're not telling me what I want to hear.

They're not doing what I want them to do to make me feel better.

And somehow it becomes their problem.

If we're to the extent that we're not aware of how we're the cause without blame and shame and guilt,

I can't stress that enough.

But to simply notice,

Wow,

I just,

You know,

Attacked my husband.

I just screamed at my kid and no matter what it is they did,

I mean,

What does that mean for me?

Where is that coming from?

For me,

I wanted something from them.

I didn't get it and I'm blaming them.

And now when we're out of touch with that,

The problem with that is that we actually strengthen those subconscious blocks within us.

And that starts us off on a downward spiral.

I'm sure you've met people.

I know I have.

It's like almost,

I can't even reach them anymore.

People tell me their family members are so bitter.

They're so dark.

They're so depressed.

They're so angry.

And they don't even know where to start.

Even people who ask for help,

They don't know where to start.

They're such a victim of this world.

Well,

The place to begin is to look within and to shift,

And it may be hard at first,

But the whole idea is to shift from being externally focused.

What have you done for me lately?

To internally focused.

What's up for me?

Where,

Why,

Or where am I feeling,

Not why,

But where is the pain?

What's triggering me?

What's that belief system that I'm holding onto,

That limited belief system about myself?

I'm not loved.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not handsome enough.

I'm not rich enough.

I'm not thin enough.

I'm not young enough.

I'm not old enough,

Whatever it is.

To go back and to do it as a daily constant meditation and a kind of awareness of what is that for me?

Where did I make that up?

Because we are the creators of our world.

You're the creator.

And so if you're having a great day,

You created it.

If you're having a terrible day,

You created that too.

And people,

You know,

When they're not ready to take responsibility,

They hear that and they go,

Oh,

I can't talk to that.

I don't want to hear that.

You know,

Somebody give me a pill.

Somebody give me an answer.

Someone just shut the episode off because they didn't want to hear what you were saying.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And I myself have done that.

By the way,

FYI,

It reminds me,

I went to a homeopathic healer many years ago while I was very much into my eating addiction.

And she said,

And I said to her,

Well,

I have this problem,

This problem,

This problem.

Does this sound familiar?

You go to someone and say,

Here are my burdens.

I'm going to lay it out for you.

You take responsibility and you tell me what to do.

And if I like it,

I will go with it.

But if I don't like it,

If it doesn't,

If I means I have to change something,

Then forget about it.

Right.

I'll go pay somebody else a little more money.

They'll tell me what I want to hear.

Anyway,

So she said to me simply,

You know,

I said,

I have this issue and that issue and,

You know,

I'm not,

I don't know if I'm eating the right foods and this,

That.

And then she simply said to me,

You know,

You just,

You don't need that much food.

You're just eating way too much food.

And I didn't want to hear that.

And that completely turned me off and I never went back to that person again.

And I realized now,

Many years later,

She was absolutely right.

Now that I just realized,

I came to that realization,

I guess I had to come to it on my own.

Wow.

I really don't need to eat as much as I think I do because many of us,

You know,

We get together and socially and social circles and it's always around food or whatever.

And I find myself eating when I'm not even hungry and that's a subconscious thing.

So going back to approval,

I didn't go off the point here.

I'm,

We're right still on the point.

Am I eating for you or am I eating for me?

Am I eating to be nice to the people around me or am I eating because I'm really hungry and it's feeding my body?

Or am I being there,

Subjecting myself to an environment where I'm overstuffing myself and I've seen this,

You know,

Scenario.

I think a lot of people can relate to this.

If you're at the family dinner,

I know this is,

This is how I started my approval addiction.

My food addiction,

Same thing in many ways,

A lot of overlap with approval seeking and addiction,

FYI.

And,

You know,

Feeling very uncomfortable,

Feeling feelings I didn't want to feel.

And then I would stuff it down with food and that was the socially acceptable thing to do.

Well,

I'm hearing you and I'm thinking there are people who are listening to us talking and they're saying,

If I'm doing good,

What's the big deal?

What part is good?

What do you mean by that?

Meaning I'm,

I want to make people feel good.

And I like- By destroying your body?

No,

I'm not talking about the food.

I'm saying,

You know,

A lot of people out there,

Or let's say,

I don't know,

You want to go back to the food metaphor.

Your daughter bakes a cake and she wants you,

She wants you to have a piece because she,

It's yummy.

She wants you to enjoy it,

But she also wants to feel good knowing she made something that you enjoyed.

Right.

Dear Bhatia,

What's wrong with that?

Nothing's wrong with that.

Take a bite to,

And give her praise for her effort,

Right?

And acknowledge that,

Wow,

You did such a great job.

You put so much work into it.

That's amazing.

That's,

You know,

And,

And take a bite.

A taste is different than downing the whole cake.

Well,

I'm,

I'm asking on her behalf,

What's the problem with her baking a cake to make you happy?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Okay.

But if you don't take the bite and you don't eat the whole thing and she feels badly that it didn't knock you off your socks.

Right.

What makes her feel badly is that she wanted to make me happy.

Wasn't about the cake.

It's that she wanted to make me happy.

And I didn't give her a sign of,

Oh,

Wow,

Your effort made me happy.

Okay.

This is important.

And I hope that everybody,

Maybe we can rewind a little that,

You know,

Somebody does something good,

Nice for you.

And I think I see this happening,

You know,

All of my kids just had a birthday parties and there was a lot of this going on,

Right?

You buy somebody a birthday present.

You want to know they enjoyed it.

You're buying it because you want to make them happy.

You know,

They're going to like it.

And you feel a degree of rejection when they don't open it up in front of you and you don't get to see them being super excited or that the,

The,

Oh my God,

That was my favorite birthday gift doesn't come.

And you feel rejection again,

Going back to what I originally said,

That's externally focused when you're really sharing.

You're coming from a place of abundance,

Coming from a place of fullness.

I'm doing this because it gives me pleasure.

But part of sharing is that,

You know,

The vessel that you're sharing with.

So let's say going back to the cake,

Vessel being the recipient vessel,

Meaning desire.

Okay.

A person has a desire.

So if you know,

If,

If someone,

You know,

Is,

You know,

Trying not to drink or cutting down drinking or,

Or,

Or as an alcoholic and has been,

You know,

Sober for X time and it's their birthday and you give them a bottle of vodka because it gives you pleasure to share.

But you know,

That's,

Is that really sharing?

No,

That's not sharing because the,

That you don't tuned in to the vessel,

You're not tuned into that person.

What do they really need?

What's really good for them?

What do they,

What would be a win-win scenario to give that person a bottle of vodka would be send them into turmoil and,

And,

And temptation unnecessarily in someone I'm saying.

So,

So when you say you want approval already,

There's no active sharing in that.

Even if the person spends millions of dollars making,

You know,

Giving to other people,

I'm not sure that most people are aware that it's an approval thing.

That's my point.

I just want to make other people feel good.

Yeah.

But what's your motivation?

What's,

What's your agenda in making them feel good?

So this is,

This is,

We want to take our,

Our listeners to a deeper level of awareness.

I just want to do good.

I just want to help people feel good.

I just want to be a light in the world.

If we're really honest with ourselves,

There is an agenda behind that.

That's right.

Well,

There's always an agenda.

Agenda is not a dirty word,

By the way.

Agenda means what's your motivation.

If the motivation is I want you to like me and I don't care what the,

What the effect is on you,

Then obviously that's seeking approval,

But it's not sharing.

It looks like it's sharing,

Oh,

Look what I'm doing.

I'm giving you a beautiful,

The most expensive bottle of alcohol.

My God,

It's a limited edition,

Et cetera.

But the person is sober and they're,

You know what I'm saying?

So was that really,

Was that really sharing?

Was that really,

What was the point of that?

Oh,

But look,

I look really good in front of everybody else that wishes I would have gotten them a bottle of alcohol or whatever it is,

Whatever the gift is.

That's the point is you got to ask yourself,

Where am I coming from when I'm doing my nice things for other people?

I'm giving charity.

Who are you giving charity for?

So that tax rate,

Tax benefit so that everybody will admire you.

So everybody think,

Oh wow,

Look how generous that person is or do you realize it saves your own life?

It's a big difference.

And two people can do the same exact action and have completely different outcomes,

Completely different outcomes.

Why?

Because energy never lies.

Energy never lies.

The fruit will,

The seed will,

The fruit will always bear itself in whatever that original seed was.

So when you want to be a nice person,

You know,

My teacher,

Rob Berg,

He,

Rob Berg always used to say,

It's not nice to be nice.

When you're nice,

It's a very fuzzy line because it could look like,

And even fool ourselves,

There were such good people,

We're doing such nice things,

But we have to constantly be asking and checking in with ourselves,

What's my motivation?

Why would I do that thing?

Am I doing it for them or am I doing it for me?

If you're doing it for them,

Then you're externally focused.

It's not going to end well.

You're going to feel some sort of emptiness after that or resentment.

How many people do you know?

I know people who gave charity and then resented it later,

Resented it.

It means you weren't connected to the blessing of the ecstasy,

The joy of giving that helps,

As the Zohar says,

That saves the life of the giver,

Not the receiver.

But if a person throws away that blessing and then they're externally focused,

Hey,

I did this for you.

Where's my thank you?

Where's my recognition?

Then there's no,

There's no light.

There's no positive energy there.

That person's going to feel the burn one way or another.

Same thing in relationships.

We think we're doing favors for people.

We're doing nice things.

Anytime you think you're doing something for someone else and you're doing it for them and you're not connected to what it's doing for you,

It will not end well.

You will feel the burn.

You will feel that emptiness.

You will feel resentment.

Then you have the famous saying,

I've slaved over a hot stove for 25 years and this is what you do for me?

I love what you said there because I think,

You know,

There are a lot of good people out there who mean well,

Who mean well,

And they don't realize,

And they don't realize.

And Bhatia touched upon a couple underlying concepts that maybe we weren't explicit about.

One of them very bluntly is that Kabbalah teaches that sharing is for the sharer,

Not the receiver.

Kabbalah won,

Folks.

Kabbalah won.

We teach that any opportunity that comes to you to be a giver,

To do good,

Is not for the receiver.

It's for you.

Or it's not for you.

That's really the decision.

When an opportunity comes,

The question is,

Is this opportunity for me?

Or some people who have the people-pleasing gene,

Maybe part of the reason the opportunity to give comes to them is so that they can say no because they're doing it for the wrong reasons or they can't.

Or shift the focus.

Just shift the focus.

But I just mean to say that.

.

.

People-pleasing and sharing are two different things.

Right.

But my point is that just because an opportunity comes to you doesn't mean it's yours.

I want to make it very clear.

When a person looks like they're doing an act of sharing and they're a people-pleaser,

They are not sharing at all.

They are taking.

They are takers.

We are being takers when we're doing something to get something in return.

And the result will feel lack.

We will feel emptiness,

Bitterness,

And resentment later.

Then you know.

If you're feeling bitter.

.

.

Let me make it very clear,

Very practical for you.

If you are feeling bitter or resentful in any relationship you're in,

Check back with yourself and ask yourself,

What was my motivation?

First of all,

In Kabbalah we know that there's no such thing as a martyr.

Even the martyrs,

Historically,

They were getting something out of it.

They would even.

.

.

Rabbi Akiva,

If I can use that term,

He was skinned alive by the Romans.

And when a student went to him and said,

Rabbi Akiva,

How could this happen to you?

The great Rabbi Akiva,

You're so powerful.

You can do so many things.

You can manipulate the matter.

How is it that this is happening to you?

And he said to him,

Get away,

Snake.

He called him a snake.

He said,

I have been waiting for this moment all my life.

I've been working for this all my life.

So even then,

I mean,

We're not on that level,

Obviously,

But something to strive for.

Even then,

Every time I do an act of sharing,

Of giving,

Of doing for others,

Or doing a favor,

Let's say,

I benefit.

And you could increase your happiness quotas tremendously if you would just simply think about the next time someone asks you for something,

Or you have a desire to do something for someone else,

And instead of being externally focused,

Be internally focused and say,

Wow,

I'm doing this for me.

It's giving me pleasure.

Because if you notice that most rich people,

I don't mean rich,

They could be rich financially because money in the bank,

But I've seen a lot of people who have money in the bank and they're not very happy.

But people who are truly happy and rich are people who are magnanimous in their spirit.

They enjoy the act of sharing because they get pleasure from it.

So if you're going to do the action anyway,

Why throw away the opportunity to be externally focused and wait to get something in return for which you will never be satisfied because that's the spiritual law,

And instead claim your good,

Claim the right to happiness through that act of sharing.

Take the focus off their 30 seconds of approval,

Which actually is pretty meaningless,

And reclaim it for yourself because that becomes your riches for tomorrow.

The spiritual explanation for what Bhatia is sharing is that when I recognize it's for me and my opportunity to share is actually an opportunity for me to draw blessings,

I am acknowledging,

Whether consciously or unconsciously,

That the source of my blessings is the creator,

Is the light,

Is the universe,

Is spirit,

Whatever you want to call source.

The moment that I do it because I want something from the other person,

I want approval,

I want recognition,

I want some people do the tit for tat thing,

I'm going to pay today,

You're going to pay next time.

Sometimes it's about looking good,

Sometimes it's about even thinking that I want to live a more meaningful life so I'm going to do more meaningful things and then I'm going to have the rap sheet of all the good I did and I'm going to hug it and read it every night and it's going to give me good feelings.

The moment I allow myself to need something from the other person,

I unplug myself from the light force of the creator and I make the other person my creator or the organization or the friend group or social media.

So on a very basic level,

If I slave for 25 years over the stove and then look at my family and say,

What the heck,

I've basically cut myself off from the light force of the creator and made my family my source of life,

Light,

Energy,

Blessing,

Which even in the best case,

They can't put out.

Even if they've got it all and they love me very much,

It will never be enough as Batia says.

This is why adult children don't call their parents,

By the way,

They don't want to spend time with their parents when they grow up,

They move out and they leave because of this scenario.

I'm not blaming anybody but if this is you and you're wondering,

How come my kids never call me?

Why don't they ever want to spend time with me?

I don't understand,

I spent all these years slaving over a hot stove or whatever.

Again don't beat yourself up,

It's not a criticism or judgment,

It's just an opportunity to look within and say,

Oh wow,

I enslaved myself to the illusion.

I call it for this conversation,

I'm saying internally focused and externally focused.

In Kabbalah we would say connecting to the light within,

Which is the 99% of reality as opposed to putting our energy into the 1%,

The illusion of the five senses.

Seeking approval is in the realm of the illusion of the five senses.

We chase after things that actually don't exist because the truth is,

You think people are thinking about you?

They're not thinking about you.

Everybody's busy thinking about themselves.

Every time I think about,

Oh,

What should I wear,

What should I do,

And I realize,

What am I talking about?

They're so wrapped in themselves with their own insecurities,

They're not looking at me to see what I'm doing.

That's actually can give you a sense of freedom by the way,

It does for me anyway,

I stopped caring about what people think when .

.

.

But that's the thing is that people want to feel free and they don't realize that they're enslaving themselves on the quest to do good.

Okay.

What do you want to say with that?

Is it a question?

No,

To me it's about bringing to the forefront of our consciousness the idea that even doing good,

I want to do good.

I can share a personal story,

Maybe that will make it more clear.

Many years ago .

.

.

In a galaxy far,

Far away.

In a galaxy far,

Far away.

I share this story in classes,

I'm not sure I've ever had to share it in the podcast before.

Come on,

Spill the tea,

Spill the tea,

Alicia.

It's really juicy actually.

I used to babysit when I was a teenager,

As many teenagers do,

And I had a family that I babysat for very often.

After I finished high school,

I decided I'm going to New York.

Does it get juicy yet?

It gets juicy.

On the eve of my departure,

I spent the entire night baking their favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Wow.

I probably baked about 300.

Really?

I hopped in my car,

I had a key to their house because I was an oft babysitter.

I filled their freezer with my chocolate chip cookies and I left.

Wow,

That's so kind and sweet of you.

Isn't it though?

Yeah.

No,

It was not.

Because my reason for doing it was- A raise?

I'm going to be in New York for six months and I don't want them to stop loving me while I'm away.

I want them to think of me every day.

I want them to have a cookie,

Each of them to have a cookie for every day of those six months that I'm going to be gone.

Wow,

That's really an act of desperation.

Yes.

Now,

I want you to know,

I felt heroic.

I felt like the kindest,

Saintliest human being ever to cross paths.

That's so dark and manipulative.

How scary is that?

That's very scary.

But it felt so good.

It felt so good.

Until when?

Until I grew up and I realized I am the most needy and manipulative human being on the planet.

Again,

To Batya's point,

Not with shame.

It was kind of like- It's a revelation.

Holy cow.

Yeah.

How on earth did I convince myself that that was the kind and sharing thing to do?

I didn't sleep.

I was wide awake from my early morning flight to New York.

I didn't say a word to them,

No hugs,

No goodbyes.

But I knew when they opened that freezer,

They were going to love me so,

So much.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What happened?

Did they acknowledge the cookies?

Did they call you?

Honestly,

I don't even remember because to me,

That's not the point of the story anymore.

I don't remember.

We didn't have cell phones then.

I don't think they called.

Who were they going to call?

In your fantasy mind.

They were just going to,

Every day,

Eat a cookie and say,

She is amazing.

Who is more amazing than Elisheva?

You were actually fooling yourself because in your own little fantasy mind,

Boy,

That is really dark.

But that's my point.

I'm saying,

That's the point.

The point is,

I had fooled myself that I was a noble saint deserving of sainthood that deserved to be memorialized in a chocolate chip cookie.

So deep,

So dark.

And by the way,

I don't think I ever babysat for them again.

I came back,

I moved back home,

I came back home and I was on a completely different trajectory.

I would say a couple of years later,

I realized,

First of all,

I forgot that I did it,

Right?

Once my life moved forward and I didn't need to be a babysitter anymore,

Who cares?

Well,

Your opponent just fed you.

It was.

How classic is that?

Wow.

That is so amazing.

Thank you for sharing that.

So this is my point.

We are so misled by the guise of doing good.

Wow.

Yes.

Yes.

That's excellent.

What heroic act of kindness was it?

How many times do we do that though?

But that's my point.

Oh my God.

We do that all day long.

All day long.

All day long.

The opponent is just playing with our heads,

Manipulating us like stupid robotic puppets.

I'm going to take this moment to remind everybody,

That force that we call the opponent in the wisdom of Kabbalah is not there to win.

It's there for us to recognize and say,

Sit down and shut up and let me really nourish myself from the right place and not from the limited place that now this family is going to be my creator and I'm going to suck energy from them and be depleted,

Right?

Maybe they didn't call me and I was angry afterwards.

I don't remember.

Maybe I need to do some hypnosis.

I'm pretty sure you were angry.

I need to go back and figure that out.

I remember you as a teenager,

By the way,

And you were pretty angry,

By the way,

FYI.

So there you go.

The Pisces comes out of the closet.

I was definitely driven,

I'm sure I am to some degree today as well,

But back then,

One of the things that spoke to me about the wisdom of Kabbalah was the emphasis on giving and sharing.

I thought,

This is my place because this is what I love to do and when I heard the concept of reactive behavior,

I thought,

I'm not reactive at all because my reactive behavior was shutting down internally.

I never spoke up.

I never said I'm upset.

Do you remember the time you stopped speaking to me for six months?

I don't even know why.

I do not.

I do not.

Yes,

I remember you specifically stopped speaking to me for six months.

You wouldn't talk to me.

Wow.

Yes.

I probably didn't give you any approval.

That's why.

I must have triggered you in some way.

I can actually think of something you said to me that upset me,

But I don't remember holding it against you for six months.

Maybe I did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You stopped talking.

Amazing.

I distinctly remember you and I couldn't figure out why did you stop talking to me.

We can talk about that in the car on the way home.

Wow.

True confessions of Kabbalah teachers.

There we go.

All right.

I wanted to ask you something,

Batia,

And genuinely,

Not you personally,

But just for your reflections as a teacher.

You don't have to spill more tea if you don't want.

That's okay.

Life is an open book.

Is it ever okay to care what people think?

Is there ever a scenario or a dynamic in which it's important to keep other people's thoughts about you in check?

Yes,

Because children care what their parents think and children need to care what their parents think because parents should be their moral compass,

Not only a moral compass,

But social mores and self-esteem and how children regard the world.

It's so important.

It's part of us.

Of course,

We want approval,

But do we really want approval from everyone or do we want to check in with people we love and we trust that they are keeping us on the straight and narrow,

Let's say,

And a good path?

Because when we look for approval from anyone and anywhere,

This is where we get ourselves into trouble.

When children,

For example,

You know I'm passionate about children.

I guess maybe you didn't know that about me,

But when children are not getting what they need from their parents,

This is where they go to their peers and they seek approval from their peers,

And then you have the blind leading the blind,

And they get themselves into all sorts of gang members.

What do you think gang is?

What is the essence of a gang is that they didn't have the proper approval and upbringing of love and care,

Went to the streets to seek it,

And then get into a very twisted and unhealthy way of life.

So I'm not saying- To get that approval.

To get that approval.

Yeah.

So we do need,

We do,

It's human nature to want approval.

My point is,

Do we want approval from everyone?

Do we need approval from everyone?

The answer is no.

Those special people that we really care about,

That we're in a relationship contract with,

We want to honor that contract.

I think also what you said before is important in this conversation is that as parents we want to put the emphasis on effort and not results.

Exactly.

And that's where a lot of parents go off the path there a little bit with their kids,

Is because it's the feeling of I'm not good enough comes from,

Oh,

I got a B+,

Oh,

You got a B+,

You couldn't get an A,

Oh,

You got an A,

You couldn't get an A+,

Oh,

But your brother,

When he was your age,

Or your sister when they were your age,

They accomplished 10 times more than you did.

What's the matter with you?

That kind of thing.

My kids recently,

My 11 year old came up to me and said,

When the six year old comes home with a drawing,

You get hysterical.

I draw things all the time and you don't say a word.

And that was a really good getting called out for me.

At the end of the day,

The truth is,

I know it's easy for him to whip up a stellar drawing and it's a struggle for her,

But that doesn't mean that I don't still need to be supportive and recognize the efforts that he is making.

It doesn't have to be about drawing,

It can be where he's making his effort.

I think really,

As human beings,

We all want acknowledgment.

The question is,

Again,

Like I said,

It depends on who do you really,

When you stop and you think about it.

I have this conversation with people,

It's so funny and they say,

You know,

Well,

I went to this event and all these people and I was like,

I said,

Do you really think,

They don't even know you,

They don't know your name,

They're never going to see you again,

What do you care what they think about you?

And then,

The same people will have someone at home who loves them and they won't even,

They'll take that person for granted,

Not care what they,

What their,

Or not honor their social contract.

I call it a social contract.

Soul,

S-O-U-L,

Soul,

Soul,

No,

Social.

Social and soul contract,

Yes.

Okay.

Okay,

We can work with that.

I was just trying to understand.

Yeah.

Well,

The soul contract and the social contract,

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

If you want,

So,

And let's talk about social contracts,

Right?

So,

We want approval from our parents.

Who didn't want approval from their parents,

Right?

We were built to have approval from our parents and as parents,

We have the power now,

Let's say you didn't have approval,

I,

You know,

I hear so many stories,

Oh,

When I was a child and my parents didn't do this and my,

They got whatever and wasn't treated well,

Abandoned,

Et cetera and so forth,

But you're an adult now.

You can drop that story and you can decide to either reparent yourself and give yourself that approval that you need.

Give yourself the acknowledgement you need.

Remember,

You have all the power.

You are the creator of your life.

Take,

Reclaim the power.

I cannot stress that enough because that's where our energy gets drained by giving it out to people who are so overwhelmed with life,

They don't even want it,

Need it,

They wouldn't know what to do with it.

It was wasted.

Bring it back to yourself,

Build yourself and if you have children,

Please give them the acknowledgement they need from you.

The acknowledgement of their efforts,

Not their results,

But their efforts,

The acknowledgement and please,

I know this is not an episode about parenting,

Please do not label your children good or bad.

You're a good boy.

You're a good girl.

No,

Please don't do that.

That is so damaging and please don't do that for yourself.

Oh,

I just closed a deal.

I'm really good.

I'm happy with it.

Oh,

I lost a deal.

Oh,

I'm a nobody.

I'm a loser.

I'm a failure.

No,

You're unique spark of the creator force and you are a powerhouse of energy and so it's time to start acknowledging that about you and think of your energy as this precious resource.

How do you want to spend it?

Do you really want to go around in the street and throwing it around and asking it,

Giving that energy away to people who don't appreciate or value or don't even know you?

Or do you want to hold it dear to you and share it with the people that you really care about?

I want to ask you a final question to close out the show.

Well,

Not final,

Just for this episode.

We have people who are listening that are going,

OMG,

That's me.

What are some tools or- Kabbalah one.

Okay.

Well,

One second.

Let's say Kabbalah classes.

Let's say even they're already- Go to kabbalah.

Com.

They already are.

Let's say we have people who are listening that are,

It's not their first spiritual podcast.

It's not their first Kabbalah class.

They're making that effort,

But they,

Because of this week's energy,

Are now having the opportunity to stare that illusion in the face.

That's one of the things everybody is going to experience this week is that illusion of the approval is more important than my integrity.

The approval is more important than my wellbeing.

The approval is worth me sacrificing something long term,

Something beneficial and blessing to me in the long term for this momentary way to go,

Thank you,

You're a star,

Et cetera and so forth.

How can we stop?

How can we begin to interrupt that process on a conscious and consistent level?

Well,

First,

Pause.

Before you have a knee-jerk reaction to say or do something,

And you know yourself,

You know your habits,

You know what you have a tendency to do that is not good for you,

But you want to get other people's approval,

First pause,

Breathe.

As we say in Kabbalah 1,

We say,

Pause,

What a pleasure.

Create a space where you don't have to react or jump to any sort of conclusion.

Take a moment and reassess and ask yourself,

What is the meaning for me in this moment?

What meaning am I making out of this situation?

I've said this before around food.

I found myself 11 o'clock,

I think I mentioned this on one of your podcasts before,

I don't remember.

Anyway,

So I'm eating potato chips at 11 o'clock at night and then I catch myself in the pause,

Why am I eating potato chips?

I realized I was eating potato chips,

Not because I was hungry,

But because I had a feeling that I'm not loved.

Why am I not loved?

Because my kids didn't wash the dishes that night.

Now,

Is that normal?

Does that make any sense?

It is normal.

It doesn't make sense.

I know a lot of people probably have a similar reaction.

So that's the other side of approval,

The resentment,

The feeling hurt,

The emptiness.

So the first thing is,

If you're in the middle of it,

Someone asks you a favor or you have an opportunity to share,

Pause.

What's my agenda?

Where am I really coming from?

And let's say you're going to do it anyway.

Your second choice is,

First it's pause,

That's the first choice.

The second choice is,

Am I going to do it for me or am I going to do it for them?

Am I going to do it for me because I'm coming from a place of magnanimity?

I'm coming from a place of generosity,

Knowing that when I'm acting from a place of generosity,

I'm choosing.

I choose to do this because I know I'm getting energy from it.

I'm getting light from it,

As we say in the Kabbalistic terminology.

I'm going to do it for me because I'm getting light and it's going to make me a better human being and therefore I can be a better contribution to other people.

Or am I going to do it for them and wait for a response?

I'm going to throw my power into the illusion of the five senses being externally focused.

So pause,

Ask myself what's my motivation,

Do I choose,

And three,

Do I choose to be internally focused or externally focused?

Let's say you discover at the end of this,

You really want to do this and you fail and you went externally all the way.

It's okay.

This is why pencils have erasers,

As my teacher Karen Burgo used to say.

It's okay.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Get up and do it again and just keep working at it.

It's a spiritual journey.

It's a practice.

You're not going to be perfect at it at first,

But I guarantee you if you start putting more attention and investing more effort into this,

You will have results.

I guarantee it.

I can tell you as a final point,

I am a recovering approvalaholic,

As a Pisces,

As a very Pisces Pisces,

And I can tell you that when I manage,

Many times when I manage to go through that process and really say,

You know what,

I don't want their approval.

I don't want the recognition.

I'm going to do this because of the blessings I'm going to draw into my life.

I would say more than 50% of the time,

At the end of the day,

The person says,

Never mind.

We don't need it anymore or,

You know,

That's okay.

We have enough already or whatever it is.

And then it becomes so obvious that the universe set me up just to see if I can recognize the opportunity for what it is or if I can slip into an old behavior that doesn't serve me.

And I love when that happens because it shows me more than just the approval piece.

It shows me then it's like a second chance to have agenda.

Do I feel badly that now I can't?

I'm not going to be a part.

It's like the universe.

It's never ending.

It's never ending.

But if you're light about it,

You see much more than you do if you're heavy,

You know,

Feeling bad about it,

Feeling the.

.

.

So much more we could talk about this topic.

It really goes in so many directions.

It goes so deep.

Well,

Bhatia,

Thank you for being here this morning.

My pleasure.

Have a fabulous week and we'll see you next time on the Weekly Energy Boost.

Reviews

As always, excellent conversations. And as a Pisces, I can totally relate! The metaphor of enslavement is very powerful. Thank you. 🙏