What If Happiness Isn't About Everything Being Good?

Ever feel like you're waiting for everything to be "just right" before you can truly allow yourself to be happy? What if that pursuit of perfection is the very thing keeping joy at bay? On today's podcast, we're diving deep into the myth of the "good life" and uncovering how to find happiness now.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

There's something that happens in life that I bet you've noticed in your own life.

We have periods of time,

Maybe not often,

But every once in a while where life is just going well.

We like our work,

We like our relationships,

The people that we love are doing okay,

We don't have any health concerns,

And everything seems to be just doing well.

And then life,

As it always does,

Figures out a way to mess up our lives and we go back to our worries,

Our fears,

And all the trepidation that we've had so much throughout our lives.

It's just when things go well,

Something's going to come along and destroy it.

And instead of these being unique occurrences,

These are the mainstay of life.

An incredibly beautiful and exquisite example of this in written form is the book called The Good Earth by Pearl S.

Buck.

I just finished reading it for the second time,

And it truly is an exquisite book.

It won both the Pulitzer Prize and she won the Nobel Prize for Literature.

The book is about a poor Chinese farmer whose name is Wei Long.

And though he starts off being a poor rural farmer,

He marries a woman called Oolong,

And for a while his luck begins to really change for the better.

But then tragedy hits,

There's a major drought,

And he and his family almost die.

But they are able to survive that,

And he's able to get back to his land to grow his farm,

Buy more land,

And he ends up becoming a very wealthy landowner.

And you would think with these vicissitudes of life that as he gets older,

As he gets wealthier,

Things get better.

But they don't.

He makes bad choices where he really hurts his wonderful wife,

Oolong,

And then his children make poor choices,

And then he has a corruptible uncle who really creates havoc in his life,

And then there's a war,

And then there's fighting between his children,

And it just goes on and on and on.

And even when he's just about ready to die,

He gets so upset because his kid's behind his back.

He overhears them saying that they're going to sell the land to get more money,

And it just destroys all the things he's worked towards.

The most repetitive theme that comes through throughout the book is how life starts getting a little bit better,

He's hopeful,

And then something inevitably comes along and destroys his sense of peace and happiness over and over again.

Sometimes it's his fault,

Sometimes it's other people's fault,

But no matter what,

No matter what he tries,

There's always something that's going to come along and disturb his sense of peace and tranquility.

It's actually an incredibly beautiful book,

And it's not as depressing as I'm making it out to be.

I think it's more realistic because Wang Long's struggles are so much like our own.

Everything seems to be going well finally,

And then something inevitably comes along and ruins it,

And we're back to the grind.

We're back to the worries,

To the stressors,

To the anxiety that life brings like a malignant spirit that just won't leave us alone.

Well,

As you can probably guess,

There must be another option because there obviously are people that are doing fine,

And they live on planet Earth.

So what is the secret to living a happy life with all the constant change and disruptions that happen to our life?

Why do some people struggle so much with these changes,

And other people seem to sail through them with equanimity and peace?

It really boils down to that everything must be good trap.

This is a mindset or belief system that says happiness is conditional.

It's dependent upon external factors aligning perfectly like health,

Relationships,

Finances,

Et cetera.

And when they don't align,

Then I'm not going to be happy.

For example,

I'll be happy when I get that promotion,

Or I can't be happy until I lose weight.

So let me explore the flaw in that logic.

If we want to be happy and it's based upon external influences,

It's impossible to be happy because life is impermanent.

That is one of the guarantees of life.

It's like gravity.

If we drop something,

It's going to fall to the ground.

If we live long enough,

Things are going to change.

That's one of the rules,

The psychological rules of life.

Life changes.

Life is impermanent.

There are always going to be challenges,

Setbacks,

And unexpected events.

There's no way we can get through life without facing these sooner or later.

And then we have to deal with what's called the hedonic treadmill.

We adapt to positive changes and our happiness set points resets,

Leaving us chasing the next good thing.

So in the book,

The Good Earth,

The pivotal point of the book,

I believe,

Is when Wei Long finally makes it.

He makes enough money that he doesn't have to go in the fields anymore and work all day long.

He has servants that are doing the work for him.

He has grain stored in case there's another drought that comes.

He has money hidden throughout his house in case there's another financial crisis.

He has his land,

Which he knows no matter what happens,

It will generate income from him.

And you think,

Oh,

Finally he made it.

Everything's great.

He can relax and enjoy his life.

He has the most wonderful giving wife who's given him sons and daughters.

She works incredibly hard,

Is there for him through all the crises,

And just loves him so deeply.

It's wonderful how beautiful she is.

She's my favorite character in the book.

But now Wei Long has all this money,

He has his free time,

And he looks at his wife,

And she's not very pretty.

And he thinks,

Maybe I deserve more than this.

Maybe I can do better than this.

And you know what he does?

You can probably imagine,

Yes,

He does that.

And that woman actually ends up moving in the house with him,

And it just gets worse and worse and worse.

Now some of you may be thinking,

Well,

That's just some Chinese man.

What does that have to do with us?

As a clinical psychologist working in Newport Beach,

Do you know how many times I've seen this happen in marriages?

A lot.

Hedonic adaptation is something really important to understand about human behavior.

Chasing the next good thing is a Sisyphean task.

It will never end.

Here are some of the main costs of chasing the good life.

One is missing out on the present.

What in our life is good right now?

The second thing is increased anxiety and stress.

We're always waiting for,

Wishing for,

Wanting for something to be different.

And then the third thing is damaged self-esteem.

We don't feel good about ourselves because we're not succeeding.

We're not where we want to be.

Things aren't going the way we wish they would.

And we really start feeling inadequate and less than others.

Or we compare ourselves to the few people that are above us,

Even though thousands or millions may be beneath us.

We just struggle and struggle,

And it just doesn't end unless we do something different.

And the first and most important thing we can do is stop waiting for everything to be good to be happy because life changes.

And when we embrace that change and we say,

This is just life,

It can still be good with these changes.

Even if I don't like them,

Life can still be good.

Let me use my own example to illustrate this point.

I've started working out regularly when I was about 14 years old,

And I've been very consistent about it throughout my life.

Now,

I have changed my routine,

Of course.

I can't do what I could do in my teens and twenties,

But I still do something every day.

Do you know what comes with working out regularly?

Injuries.

I've gotten them throughout my life.

I get them pretty often.

There's always some part of my body that I have to be careful with,

That I have to work on,

That I have to heal,

And sometimes take a break from.

But I don't stop working out.

They don't keep me from enjoying my life.

They don't keep me from even enjoying my working out.

It's just I realize that sometimes I get injured,

And that's just part of working out.

When I was younger,

I used to do a lot of backpacking,

And when I'd come back from a backpacking trip,

I'd come to my office and would meet with a client,

And I could barely get out of my seat because I was so sore sometimes.

Now,

Someone else feeling that way might say,

My life is horrible.

It feels terrible.

Truly,

Because people,

When they struggle with pain,

Create a lot of stories about that.

For me,

It was just part of the experience.

I knew my body would probably get better,

Which it does so far,

And I just keep working out and love working out on a regular basis.

But if I had to have everything feel good until I worked out,

And then when I had an injury,

I would never work out again because I was depressed or upset by it.

I would never work out again.

So life is like that.

We have ups and downs in life.

So the main key factor in having a good life is stop having to have a good life,

Meaning have a life.

Enjoy that.

Don't be attached to everything has to be good before life is good.

Instead,

Shift on focusing to gratitude.

With gratitude,

We're thankful for all the things we have throughout our day that are blessings,

That are beautiful,

And we truly are thankful.

We give thanks to whatever we believe,

Whether it be God or just life itself,

Saying,

Thank you for this blessing.

I do this throughout the day,

And it really adds so much to my life,

Focusing on what I have instead of what I don't have.

The next thing is embracing the imperfections of life,

Accepting the ups and downs as normal.

Because when we see them as normal,

Then we're going to be resilient with these changes and do better.

And then finding the joy in the journey,

Focusing in on the growth,

The meaning,

And connection rather than solely on the outcomes.

If we're going to wait for everything to be well before we smile with life,

We're going to be waiting our entire life,

Or we'll have pockets of it,

But mostly we'll be frowning throughout life.

Let me end with some real practical strategies that we can do to live more in the present moment and stop waiting for everything to be perfect before we find contentment and peace in our hearts.

The first one is mindfulness techniques.

These are cultivating present awareness to break free from the what-if cycle.

It means be present with what you're doing.

If you're eating lunch,

Focus on tasting the food in your mouth,

Enjoying it.

If you're having a conversation with someone,

Listen to what they're saying instead of thinking about what you have to do next.

If you're driving or commuting to work,

Focus on just getting to work,

Not on what's going to happen when you get there.

And then reframing negative thoughts.

When you notice that you're saying,

Oh,

I don't know how this is going to turn out,

What if it's bad,

Reframe them and say,

You know,

It's right.

I don't know how this will turn out,

But I know right now there's so many beautiful things that I can focus on and be with.

And since life is uncertain,

No matter what I do,

Things may not work out the way I want them to,

But I believe in myself that I can adjust to anything and that I will handle these changes with equanimity and with courage,

Knowing that in the end,

All is well because I'm not going to give up and I'm going to enjoy each and every day,

Each and every challenge that comes my way.

And then lastly,

Setting realistic expectations,

Acknowledging that life is a mixture of good and bad experiences and wanting things to be a certain way is silly.

We can work towards things,

But having things to be a certain way is the path of suffering.

It's better always to be malleable,

To be adjustable and say,

I got this.

And when things don't go the way that we hope they would,

Then we say,

Okay,

I'm going to make this work.

And when we do that,

You know what's going to happen?

That life is going to become a beautiful adventure.

And throughout the day,

We're going to see pockets of beauty and joy.

And when we do hit those hard bumps,

We'll say,

I got this.

I've done this before.

And even in the midst of this difficult time,

I can get through this well,

And I can actually find pleasure and joy in my life.

No matter what's happening in my life,

I'm not going to wait for the good times.

I'm going to enjoy a good life now.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Your philosophy does me the world of good. Thank you for sharing it with us 🙏🏻

Thank you for sharing this. First of your work I listened to, I’m going to explore more. Thank you 🙏

Thank you Dr. Puff!

This is very powerful & encouraging. Thank you.

Got stuck today. Went looking for your talk to ease my anxiety
You did. Thank you!🙏🙃

Thank you 🙏

A fantastic keeper. I really need to hear this from time to time. One of my biggest struggles. 🙏🙏

Thanks for the great advice! Enjoy every moment, no need to label it good or bad…just enjoy!

This is what i needed to hear today. I enjoy all your podcast. Thank you so much! 💖🙏🏻💖