Welcome to the Happiness Podcast,
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Sometimes when life is tough,
It just seems unfair,
Cruel,
Like it's punishing us for something we've done wrong.
Maybe right now you got laid off from a job that you really liked and you worked years to get there.
Maybe someone you deeply love left you or died.
Maybe you finally made it to the point in your life where you could travel and explore the world and really enjoy life,
And then an illness comes and stops all that.
We know these times,
We've been through them,
And it makes us wonder,
What's going on here?
Are we being punished?
Is life,
Is the universe,
Is God unfair?
But today I want to look at the idea,
The concept,
That perspective is a choice.
When these ever so difficult challenges come,
Could we perhaps see these hardships as opportunities for growth?
We move from a victim mentality to one of empowerment.
I was recently in Tanzania,
Africa,
And I went to this museum about Tanzanite.
I didn't know anything about it,
But I discovered that the indigenous people of Tanzania were playing with these stones.
They weren't very attractive,
They weren't very pretty,
But a geologist came by and realized there's something really precious here.
And this rock,
This gem,
Could only be found in Tanzania.
After doing some extensive research,
This geologist discovered that Tanzanite is a thousand times more rare than diamonds.
And like diamonds,
When properly heated,
Cut,
And polished,
These Tanzanite gems are absolutely stunning.
So is it possible that what we're going through,
What we've been through,
Or what we may go through in the future,
Could be seen from a different perspective?
And this perspective could completely shape our struggle into perhaps something beautiful.
So how do we turn something that feels like the universe is punishing us into instead something that's polishing us to make our lives better?
First,
Take a little bit of time,
Perhaps pause,
And think about times in your life where you've had something happen that wasn't what you wanted to have happen,
A challenge,
A difficulty,
But in the end,
It had positive outcomes.
This may have happened to you,
But I remember once when I was younger,
My mom was sharing a story about how her high school sweetheart and her broke up,
And it was very challenging for her.
But she ran into him years later,
And she was really glad she wasn't with him anymore.
So how do difficulties polish us?
Well,
In the first way,
They teach us skill development.
Past struggles force us to learn new skills like resilience,
Patience,
And problem solving.
When we face failures,
If we develop a resilient mind,
What will happen is we'll discover things that caused us to fail and learn from them.
Did your first love work out and you lived happily ever after?
For most of us,
Probably not.
Did your first job that you did,
Was it your end-all job for the rest of your life?
For most of us,
It wasn't.
But when we change our perspective,
Instead of seeing these as failures,
We see them as learning opportunities.
And they are that,
Because we learn so many things from the failures.
Challenges can bring character building.
Don't we all know people or ourselves when we went through a difficult time,
That this helps us grow,
Become stronger,
More resilient?
Challenges can create empathy,
Courage,
Or even humility.
This isn't a bad thing,
But I've worked with a lot of teenagers who have desired to become President of the United States,
A super rock star,
Or a CEO of a major corporation.
The desires are nice,
But with time and life experiences,
They realize that they may need to adjust these goals.
But the other good thing that can happen from challenges is new opportunities arise.
There's a wise adage that says,
When one door closes,
A new,
Unexpected path opens.
Often better.
And often,
One of the most beautiful outcomes of the struggles that we go through is that it makes us more understanding and compassionate towards others.
If you've been raised in perhaps a privileged or overly indulgent culture or society,
Where everything's just given to you,
When you see someone who perhaps,
In quotes,
Beneath you,
You may judge them.
But you know when you go to a restaurant,
Who often are the best tippers?
They're the ones who were a waiter or waitress in the past,
Because they have empathy.
They know how hard they work.
My father did a lot of things that I was very proud of.
But for me,
One of the most amazing,
Beautiful things he ever did was,
When I was a teenager,
He lost a very good job.
And our lifestyle radically changed.
I was off at university and he needed to work in order for my mom and my father could survive.
My mother got a job at a nursing home,
Though she had been a nurse in the past.
She lost her license because she hadn't practiced for years.
So she got a job helping the elderly.
But my father had had a very good job and was high up in the company.
And when he lost his job,
It was very hard on him.
But you know what he did?
No one would hire him because he had a college degree and his resume was just too good for most jobs.
They just wouldn't hire him.
They thought he'd quit.
And my parents had to share one car.
But when I left for university,
I had a moped that I had purchased to get around,
But I couldn't take it with me,
So I left it behind.
So my father was able to use it to get around.
A moped is like an electric bike today.
Well,
He was finally able to get a job at a moving company where he literally physically moved boxes and furniture all day long in order to support my mom and him.
And he had to ride the moped in order to get back and forth to work every day.
I never once heard him complain.
He was glad he finally got the work and he kept doing it until other things fell into his lap.
And later,
I think because he just had such a passion and cared for people,
Particularly after what he had gone through,
My mother and him got very involved in helping the homeless in the area he lived in.
He did finally get back into his career,
But he,
For the rest of his life,
Spent time and his personal money to help people that were struggling much more than he was.
When it feels like the universe is punishing us,
Is it perhaps possible that we could look for ways in which the universe is polishing us,
Turning us into something so much better?
So if we're struggling right now,
What can we do to change our mindset,
To change our perspective and see it as a choice?
Here are four tools for a polished mindset.
First,
Mindful reflection.
Start by journaling or meditating to process difficult emotions and look for lessons from these struggles.
No matter what life is throwing at us,
There will always be lessons,
Things we can learn from it,
Things that we can grow.
Look for those things.
It's not about denying that what we're going through isn't real or downplaying it.
Instead,
It's a mind shift.
The universe has thrown this very difficult thing that I can't understand right now,
But perhaps if I spend time looking at it carefully,
I can see the gem inside this very challenging experience.
I've been working with people for over 30 years now,
Helping them improve their lives as a clinical psychologist.
And yes,
When bad things happen to people,
They get very angry,
They get depressed,
They get sad.
But I've also seen through my experience that no matter what is thrown at us,
We are able to see something beautiful in everything or at least turn it into something good by letting it polish who we are as a human being.
The second thing that can be really helpful is practice gratitude.
We need to look for the small things to be grateful for,
Even on the toughest days,
Because this gratitude practice retrains our brain to focus on the good.
And there's always something good.
The third thing we can do is practice affirmations.
What if when we're going through difficult times,
We said,
This isn't happening to me,
It's happening for me,
Or I'm becoming stronger with every challenge.
And then fourthly,
Seek support.
When life is polishing us,
It doesn't mean we have to do it alone.
We can seek help from friends,
Family,
Or even professionals.
My father knew how proud I was of him for what he was doing.
He went from working at a suit and tie job to a very hard physical job,
And I was so proud of him.
And when we have people that support us,
That love us,
Life,
When we go through such challenging difficulties,
It's just easier,
It's better.
But at the same time,
The reverse is true.
If we spend time with people that criticize us,
That make fun of us,
That attack us as we're going through our toughest times in life,
These are people we're going to need to set boundaries with.
When we're knocked down,
We don't want someone to hit us.
We want someone to give us their hand and comfort and love us.
When these times come,
We're looking to find a more resilient and authentic self.
We become a person who's been polished,
Not someone who avoids pain,
But someone who's been refined by it,
So that this polishing creates a more resilient,
Confident,
And a deeper understanding of our own strengths.
How we look at things shape our lives.
But when we don't give up,
When we develop the mindset that the universe isn't punishing me,
It's polishing me,
We will find hope,
Courage,
And even beauty in the darkest,
Most difficult times of our lives.
Life can be hard sometimes,
But life can be beautiful too.
Don't give up,
Don't numb,
Polish your heart.
And like the Tanzanite gem,
You'll find how beautiful your heart has become.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
Until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
