Being Happy Around Unhappy People

In this podcast we explores how to maintain our happiness when we are around unhappy people. (Please note, this is lecture, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

As we strive to be more happy and find happiness and peace in our life,

It doesn't mean that everyone around us is going to join us.

And I think this is a common theme that a lot of people get stuck on because they're surrounded by people that really aren't joining them on their improvement of life.

So what do we do about that?

And I want to begin this podcast by sharing an email from one of our listeners like you,

Who's struggling with these very issues of finding happiness when others around her aren't.

She writes,

Dr.

Puff,

I'm finding your podcast extremely helpful and I've been telling everyone I know about it.

I have a question that I was curious about.

I feel that I have a naturally high set point for happiness,

But I am constantly surrounded by unhappy environments that seem to bring me down and I turn into an impatient,

Frustrated individual.

For instance,

My full-time job is very high pressure,

High stress.

We are always dealing with turnover,

Not enough resources to meet our deadlines,

And never any breathing room to work on our long-term projects and improvements.

It's been this way for most of the 12 years that I've been there.

Additionally,

My perfectionistic husband is often stressed,

Cranky,

Unforgiving,

Critical,

And doesn't seem very interested in me as a person.

When he's not around me,

I feel so much more relaxed and peaceful and patient.

I actually feel like a better mother to my daughter when there is no one there to judge my every move.

It's a lot of work trying to maintain happiness surrounded by so many stressed out people.

I was wondering at what point do you try to make changes in your environments when it doesn't mesh well with your inner self?

Thank you so much,

Elizabeth.

And I don't think her question is that uncommon.

I think a lot of us struggle with how do we maintain our level of happiness when those around us aren't very happy?

First off,

I think there's layers to this.

Layers in the sense that sometimes it's immediate.

We're shopping,

We're at the mall,

We're just traveling,

And someone who's unhappy enters our world and tries to change our happiness.

That's the simplest.

That's the one we deal with,

I think,

On a very regular basis.

Then there's one like Elizabeth described where we go to a job on a regular basis,

And it's hard,

And we're not always happy with the people that we're working with because they're unhappy.

And then there's our personal life,

Our relationships,

Our family,

Our close friends,

Particularly our kids and our spouse and our parents.

Those are even more challenging.

But I believe in all three of these situations,

We can maintain our level of happiness and not let others impose upon us.

That isn't the power they have over us.

No one does.

There are things that we can do,

Which Elizabeth is asking to protect our heart,

To make ourselves stay in that happy,

Peaceful place,

Which I'm going to talk about next.

But what we want to start with through all this is to realize that no one can take away our happiness.

That's in our hands.

I know people may do really horrendous things towards us,

But ultimately our happiness is in our hands.

And not letting that stuff get too far in,

I mean,

Some of it is clearly going to get in.

But what we do is we work with it.

We manipulate it in such a way that we return to our peaceful place so that our lives truly are beautiful,

No matter what.

So let's start with the daily grind.

I want to share a story of my own.

It happened a couple of years ago.

I was on a professional retreat.

I was staying right outside the Vatican at a monastery and I was going to the Vatican every day and inside the Vatican walls.

For whatever reason,

During my meditation,

I got so quiet inside.

It was truly amazing.

I'd actually thought that the Vatican had emptied and I was the only one in there.

But after I opened my eyes,

There were people all around me.

But the part that was hard for me was after I left the Vatican,

If you've been there,

There are a lot of people around the Vatican.

I mean,

Everywhere.

It's super crowded and people are trying to sell you things or talk to you.

And it's just a very hectic place.

And I found it rather disturbing because it wasn't all pleasant and I was in such a peaceful,

Quiet place inside.

So I did two things that were in my mind that were very helpful.

And I think that's going to be the key throughout the day when we deal with negativity,

How to protect our hearts from letting it in.

This is what I did.

I imagined a round cone all around me and it had walls and it was protecting me.

Again,

Like a round cylinder or a cone.

And when I was in the Vatican,

When I was meditating,

I left it wide open because I was really wanting to pick up on and experience all the history of the Vatican and all the energy that was inside the Vatican.

But when I left,

What I did is I pulled that cone real close beside me and had it shoot straight up.

So the only thing that could get in was that which was very close beside me.

And I found that was very helpful.

And then the next thing I did is I put on beautiful music,

Happy,

Peaceful,

Loving music that I keep with me on my phone as playlists all the time.

Mind you,

It has to be happy,

Has to be stuff that's uplifting.

And I just turned that on.

And between that cone,

Which I kept really close beside me and the music,

I was able to walk out in the streets and maintain my level of happiness and peace that I established inside the Vatican.

It worked well.

And I think you'll find it helpful to come up with a system of your own,

Where you in many ways create a wall around you to protect your heart,

To say,

Okay,

I get it.

There's dark stuff.

There's stuff out there that's not very good that I don't want to let in.

So I'm going to create some form of barrier between myself and that which is around me.

When I'm around loving,

Peaceful,

Supportive people,

I'm going to let that wall down.

But when I'm not,

I'm going to put the wall up.

So for example,

Let's say we're driving.

I think something that we all do,

We commute to work.

And nowadays because of technology,

We can often have things that we're listening to,

Like the happiness podcast,

Like beautiful music.

And if you know there's going to be stress,

Why not at that point,

Instead of listening to the news or things that may add to the unhappiness around you,

Listen to things that are beautiful,

That really fill your cup up so that when you do have to face that negativity,

It really bounces right off of you.

That I find is a great way to keep the heart safe,

To protect it because the stuff out there we can't control,

But we can control how much we let in.

So when someone is rude to us or trying to let their unhappiness get into our hearts,

It just bounces right off and we go back to living our lives in a very beautiful way.

We have to protect our hearts and we have to realize that if it gets in,

We're letting it in.

Instead what we'll do now going forward is that we'll protect our hearts and we'll have things in place that keep us in that good,

Peaceful place that are reinforcing our happiness.

And that's where mostly we steep ourselves in,

Where we spend our time so that when negativity is around us,

It's more like smoke that we can't breathe.

We may see it,

But it's not getting into our lungs because we have this barrier that keeps the smoke out,

The negativity out.

And the more we practice this and realize that if we don't let it in,

It really can't impact us.

The better our lives are going to be throughout the day.

Now in regards to work or the thing that we do throughout the day,

I really think the same principles kick in.

I know we don't have as much control because we're usually working for someone else,

But are there things that we can do that surround us with the things that bring our heart to the happy,

Peaceful place?

I mean,

It can be a calendar,

It can be photos.

Again,

It can be music.

It can be making sure we take our lunches.

We can be hanging out with employees that are far more positive and not spending as much time with those who are negative.

We're not rude.

We just don't spend as much time with them.

When we focus on having the conversation,

Saying light and having it being positive,

We greatly can affect conversations by one,

Not participating in them.

And two,

When they do go south,

Changing them or leaving.

If it's work related,

I know we have to stay and listen,

But if it isn't,

Because a lot of times the things that make our life negative aren't really the work itself,

It's the people and the more subtle interactions that happen.

Those are the things that we can control.

We can be gracious.

We can be kind with these people and we can also keep a boundary with these people.

When they go negative,

We can either correct it or we can leave.

There's many things that we can do on subtle levels to help change things and make it better.

It's hard.

It's work,

But these are the things that make our life a little bit better.

And then another thing that we can do is at the end of the day when we're done is make sure that we leave it at work.

For example,

I have a lot of people who have very stressful jobs that I work with and when I have them do,

Instead of coming home and bring that energy home with them,

I have them go to the gym or go to the park and go for a walk first,

Kind of get it out of their system and then come home.

It's a really good technique that we can learn to lead the work at work.

And of course,

Another option just to consider,

If our work is truly that negative,

Then perhaps it's time to say,

Hmm,

Maybe this isn't worth it.

Maybe having this house and this car that I have aren't really worth it because I'm so unhappy.

Maybe it's time to make some changes in our life that may have some consequences to them.

We may make less money,

But it'd be far better to do what we love on a regular basis than to have the stuff that we have and be miserable.

I don't think that's the path to happiness.

So that can take time.

We need to be patient.

But if we're open,

Maybe just considering that it might be time to leave and go somewhere else or get retrained.

Again,

It can take time and I recommended it taking time because when we make rash decisions,

They aren't always the best.

We could begin to slowly make choices that lead us down a path where if our job isn't going to change,

Then perhaps it's time for us to change our jobs.

Now,

The third one that is a bit harder is our family,

Particularly with our children.

I mean,

We're not going to divorce our children.

We may leave our spouse,

But we're not going to divorce our children.

So what do we do?

Let's just assume we're going to stay in our family relationship.

What do we do to make that better?

Particularly if they're going through a spout of being negative and unhappy.

Do we need to join them?

I don't think we do.

Again,

We can be very loving.

We can make sure that we don't participate in the negativity.

But mostly what I recommend doing is living our lives and allowing them to live their lives and just not getting caught up into their negativity.

So there's certain ways we can do this.

One is just to be silent.

I think that's a good technique.

For example,

My daughter,

Who I deeply love,

Went through a period of time where she was a little grumpy in the morning.

And what I did was to help her get through that phase was I just was quiet in the car when I was taking her to school every day.

And that seemed to really help her.

And thankfully she's come out of that phase.

But for a while,

I just was quiet when she was not in a very good mood in the morning.

The other thing we can do is leave.

I mean,

We can just go and do something else.

So what will happen is we'll condition these people that we love,

That are in our lives,

These family members,

That if they want to hang out with us,

They're going to need to be more positive,

More happy.

Otherwise,

We're just not going to hang out with them.

It's not we're going to leave them permanently,

But we're just not going to be with them when they're being negative.

And I think actually this is a really good one.

If you are thinking about leaving your partner,

It's a really good one to implement.

Instead of leaving,

Just leave when you're unhappy with them.

I mean,

I've worked with people where I've literally had them get out of their car and have things ready to go somewhere else when their partner isn't being very nice.

I mean,

They will come back,

But they leave,

Particularly when it's severe.

They just leave.

And so they teach the person that,

Hey,

If you're going to talk to me this way,

I'm going to not be around you.

I'm going to leave.

Now that may lead to more permanent leaving,

But in the short term,

I think it's a really good thing to practice that we're not having any tolerance for negativity.

We're just saying,

No,

I love you.

But it's like,

I don't want to be part of this negativity.

It'd be like watching television.

We could watch a really healthy educational documentary.

And if someone comes in the rooms and changes a channel to maybe a really scary horror movie,

We would literally just get up and leave.

We come back when they change it,

But we leave.

I think leaving is a really good technique because if we challenge them,

Which we can do and tell them that,

You know,

They're hurting their feelings,

Which we can do.

A lot of times people get very defensive and they're really not willing to hear that.

They think we're being critical of them.

And then it just gets into a vicious argument.

So another option is just say,

Well,

I'm just choosing to put up my walls and not letting that negativity in.

I'm going to do things that are wonderful,

That are beautiful.

I would love to have you join me.

But when you're not in the mood to join me,

Then I'll wait till next time.

And the next time,

This is a really good technique to practice with family because we care for our family.

But that doesn't mean we're going to give them permission to be negative.

They can be negative,

But we're going to choose to say,

No,

I think I'm going to hang out with you when you're less negative.

So let's use an example.

Let's say we're visiting a family member,

Like a parent.

And when we get there,

They're in a good mood.

They're glad to see us.

But quickly the conversation turns negative for whatever reason.

So we would just say,

I'm sorry,

Mom,

Dad,

I have to go.

I have another thing after 10.

I'll be back.

And then we come back and we try it again.

And again,

We stay as long as they're being in a positive,

More happy mood.

And when they're not,

It may be time to leave and then come back because we have a tendency to just stay away.

I would not recommend that.

What I recommend with family particularly is just keep giving them chances for the rest of our lives.

But when it turns dark,

Just politely say,

Oh,

I'm sorry,

We have to go and then come back and then come back again.

It is a good way to make sure that we stay happy and not let their negativity in because family have the strongest ability to bring us down.

But by saying,

No,

I really want to choose a happier,

More peaceful life.

We have to set boundaries.

We have to make sure that things are in place to keep our heart safe.

And when people around us are not being what we need them to be and being negative instead,

Then we put up walls,

We leave,

We set boundaries.

And those things being in place can be very helpful because it helps them perhaps change.

And even if they don't change,

We enjoy them more because we get them at their best.

And when they're not at their best,

We just aren't around them.

Now I know there are some situations that are really impossible to leave from.

They're just just isn't possible to leave whatever it may be.

In those situations,

It's really focusing on keeping our hearts in that peaceful place,

Separating maybe not our physical bodies from them,

But our emotional bodies from them and focusing in on the beautiful things around us.

It's a lot like having cancer and in pain,

The pain may be there,

But we can focus on other things besides that pain.

And if we focus on other things,

Then that's where our attention will be.

And that's where our energy will grow.

So if we are in that situation where we just can't leave the situation we're in,

Then it's important to say,

Okay,

Then I'm going to focus on the beautiful things that are here.

It may not be the people I'm with,

But there's other things I can focus on.

And that's where I'm going to get my attention.

We can be happy in any situation,

No matter what it is work.

It is not easy,

But it's worth it.

And I know these are techniques that I'm teaching that can take a while to learn,

But let's start practicing them.

Let's see if,

Oh,

You know,

This might just work and implementing them and see if we don't find that our lives begin to change in a beautiful way so that we discover that our happiness is in our control and no one has any control over how unhappy or happy we're going to be.

That's up to us.

And because we're listening to this podcast,

We choose happiness.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Since creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities and perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter.

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called reflections on meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is love.

What is

Reviews

Very enlightening information to learn and practice. I’ve started on some changes that were mentioned, this year. Or maybe, subtlety, over the years. I appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge with me 🙏🏻 namaste 🙏🏻

Loved the session, big thank you, also nice personal example about your vatican experience 🫶🏾🙏🏼👌🏾

Absolutely love this! I’m in the MH field and I truly needed this, Thank you

Just what I needed as I found the podcast very helpful in various aspects of my life. Thank you much 🙏

Great perspective! 🙏

Excellent! I am immediately implementing some of your recommendations!

Dr Robert Puff. I am very much enjoying & benefitting from your gentle method of teaching Thank you.

Learned some good techniques for a way to escape when I'm in a negative situation. Good suggestions.

Excellent tips on keeping the negativity out and healthy detachment!

Thank you. I am returning to my once typical state of happiness, lost through a series of challenging events. I have a sense that your podcast and meditations will support that journey. 😊

Wow! This was amazingly helpful for me. The suggestions you have offered will change things in my life for the better. Thank you so much!

These were all such great and very easily implemented suggestions. Wonderful to listen to. Thank you ☺️

Very helpful, thanks

Excellent, life changing for me! Much gratitude 🙏

Thank you very much - very helpful. 🌻🙏

Such good advice. I feel better already. I will practice. 🙏

I’m so glad I found this! These methods are wonderful ideas/ways to overcome negative people! 🙏🏻👍🏻

Very helpful for my situation at home. Thank you

Exactly what I needed to hear today namaste 🙏🧘

Good and sane advice.