The Uncommon Life: Breaking Free From The Herd

Are you tired of feeling like just another face in the crowd? Do you ever sense there's more to life than following the well-worn path? Welcome to "The Uncommon Life: Breaking Free from the Herd," where we explore the choices we make between conforming to societal expectations and forging our own unique path to self-actualization.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I want to share a story with you.

There once was a chicken farmer who was out for a walk and he came upon an eagle's nest.

He noticed that the eagles were both dead and their eggs were sprune all about because they had been attacked by wolves and killed.

But he also noticed that one of the eggs hadn't been destroyed.

So he decided to take it home and put the egg in the nest of one of his chickens.

He wanted to see what would happen.

Well,

After a little while,

The eaglet was born and it was raised by the mother chicken and it grew up thinking it was a chicken.

Well,

As it grew older,

It went outside one day to play with the other chickens and it looked up in the sky and saw an eagle flying way up in the sky.

And then he talked to the other chickens and said,

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to fly like that?

And the other chickens looked at him and said,

We'll never fly like that.

We're chickens.

We stay here and the farmer takes good care of us.

Sometimes the eagles would see him because they had very good eyes and they would fly down to the chicken pen and ask the eagle to come fly with them.

And he said,

I can't fly with you.

I'm a chicken.

Go away.

They laughed and flew away.

But as he grew older,

Though he longed to soar high up in the sky with the other eagles,

He knew his place was with the chickens and he didn't leave.

And he grew old longing for a better life,

But dying in the farmer's chicken coop.

You may have heard this story before,

But I want to change it in one way.

In the way that all the chickens in the chicken coop were actually eagles and they all had forgotten their true nature and they were living like chickens.

I would change it in this way because ultimately I do believe we're all eagles and have the potential to soar through life,

But we are very much affected by and influenced by those who we hang out with and spend our time with.

The culture we live in,

The history we're part of,

The country that we support or detest,

But we're all part of a culture.

We're all part of a community that is shaping us.

And today I wanted to look at the possibility that perhaps we're much more than the other chickens that we're hanging out with.

Now they are too,

But as we navigate our life,

We of course can influence the other people in our lives,

But mostly we're just responsible for our life and the choices that we make.

I'm sure you've heard this too,

But I can't even recount how many times I've heard this in my practice as a clinical psychologist.

And that's that everyone's doing what we're doing.

So why wouldn't we do it?

It makes sense doesn't it?

May I share a story to illustrate this point?

A friend of mine,

A colleague who is a surgeon,

He does quite well financially,

But he has what I would call good parenting skills and he doesn't try to indulge or spoil his kids,

Even though he potentially could because he's seen to his other friends how this has not turned out well.

Well,

He was telling me how when his son turned 16 and he passed his driver's test,

If he could potentially get a car and his dad said,

Yeah,

That's a potential.

I mean,

You'll need to work and I'll pay for the insurance and gas,

But it's a potential.

We can talk about it.

And then his son said,

Well,

Dad,

You know,

What I really want is a BMW.

And my friend just laughed and said,

You're in high school.

You are not going to get a BMW.

And then his son and dad desperation said,

But dad,

Everyone at school has a really nice car and I want one.

My friend did not succumb to this plea,

But did you hear in the plea that everyone had a nice car?

I mean,

We all know that's ridiculous.

I've heard it so many times that everyone at school has this or that,

Where the truth of it is,

It might be a handful of kids that have something more than our kids do or the people that we know do,

But then everyone does.

Or another one I've heard so often is,

Well,

You know,

When you go to college,

Everyone parties and has a great time and drinks a lot and does drugs.

Everyone does.

And it's just not true who they're hanging out with does.

Of course that would be true.

But everyone,

No,

That is never true.

But the truth is there's a theme here.

And the theme is,

It's like the Eagle hanging out with the chickens.

It's acting like a chicken.

It's behaving like a chicken because everyone in his life is a chicken or acting like a chicken at least.

I mean,

He may see the Eagle soaring up high above,

But he's not that Eagle.

He's a chicken.

So he's going to act like a chicken.

And then there's a sad part about this type of behavior is that we tend to make fun of those who actually are doing better than us.

I remember when I was younger,

We visited a relative of mine that was at university.

He was like the first relative of my generation that had gone to university.

But he was telling us that he wasn't like the eggheads who studied in the library.

They were weird and going nowhere in life.

He would get out and have a good time on the weekends and had fun.

He didn't want to be like those eggheads in the library.

And the truth of it is he stayed on this path for the rest of his life.

He barely graduated.

He rarely worked and had a hard time finding a job and ended up going on disability at a very young age and never worked the rest of his life.

Now,

For older,

We may look back on our lives and say,

Yes,

We did that when we were younger,

But we grew out of that.

We don't do that anymore.

But is that necessarily true?

What do we do with our free time?

Who are we hanging out with?

And are we like them?

I think if we're honest,

We'll say yes.

The people that we spend our time with,

Our family,

Our friends are much like us in and of itself.

This is not necessarily an issue,

But the issue,

The problem arises when we are hanging out with people that are making choices where they're acting like chickens and going nowhere in life.

Are we getting together with our friends every weekend and having a drink fest and perhaps drinking way too much with a lot of embarrassing memories to go with that afterwards?

Or are we watching hours and hours of pretty much meaningless television or news and calling up our friends and discussing the latest mishaps or drama of the reality shows that we just love to watch?

Psychology is a science.

And though we spend a lot of time studying malfunctional behavior,

We also spend a lot of time looking at really healthy,

Self-actualized people that if I can use the metaphor that we started with,

Are soaring like the eagles.

Sadly,

The truth is that not a lot of people out there that reach this level of mental health.

Many people struggle with anxiety,

Depression,

Fears,

Worries,

The list goes on and on.

And yet a few people go through life amazingly well.

It's not that they don't have difficulties.

It's a fact they've learned to overcome these difficulties and soar.

So the question today is why wouldn't we go down that path of finding our lives and making them beautiful?

What would hold us back?

And I believe one of the main things in life that holds us back is the herd type mentality.

We are greatly influenced by people around us.

I call this the herd mentality.

And it's based on societal pressures and the comfort of conformity.

Which sadly and unfortunately can create an autopilot life existence.

Which instead of fulfilling our deepest loves and passions and becoming self-actualized,

We just follow the herd and conform to the herd that we're surrounded with.

Now when our herd is good,

Supportive,

Loving,

Encouraging,

Wanting us to make the most of our lives,

Life can go pretty well.

But the problem with it is we're not just affected by those we hang out with.

We're affected by what we watch on television,

What we listen to,

Social media.

The influence is vast and broad and very powerful.

We may have one or two really good conversations with a friend,

But in the interim hear a thousand times about buying that new purse or getting that new house or getting that promotion and then everything will be great because we've been told that through our herd over and over again.

Yet we may reach some of these desires.

We may have a good,

Wonderful weekend partying with our friends and wake up Monday morning feeling sick.

We may finally get that dream car and then realize very quickly that it doesn't do much for us anymore.

We may finally land that job that gives us both prestige and money and think that everything will be great.

And yet we still want to drink heavy on the weekends even though we've reached all our goals.

My guess is you can tell I'm encouraging us all to be eagles or live a self-actualized life.

But what does that look like and how is it different from perhaps a herd I'm hanging out with?

It's about having a growth mindset where instead of seeing things as tragedies,

Seeing them as opportunities for growth and for learning.

It's about living in the present moment and being self-aware,

Seeing the beauty all around us.

It's about feeling our feelings and being in touch with them and not suppressing things.

It's about choosing our passions and sticking with them and when they change,

We morph into the changes that come with them in a good way by listening to our heart and seeing what our soul needs to be fed today.

It's about listening throughout the day and asking ourselves,

Is this thing I'm doing,

Is this thought I'm having,

Is this activity that I'm participating in,

Is this person that I'm spending time with feeding my soul or tearing it down and keeping me grounded?

Or can I choose things that help my soul soar?

The main difficulty is we're going to be very much conditioned by who we're with and what we expose ourself to.

We are influenced by every activity that we do and we tend to do things that reinforce our belief systems.

If it's difficult understanding what I'm talking about,

I'd recommend a book that you might want to read.

It's called Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver.

It won the Pulitzer for 2023.

It is an intense read,

I will pre-warn you so you may not want to read it,

But it's also a really good example of how our culture influences our lives.

He's growing up in the hillbilly culture and surrounded by drugs and death and horrible things.

The good news is he does come out of it in the end,

But it's a long journey for him and you just see how powerful,

Incredibly powerful our culture is and it influences us in so many ways.

Most of us won't have the lifestyle that Demon Copperfield had,

But we will have hard challenges in our life and when we do and we decide to be like the eagles and soar,

We will overcome these challenges.

We will find people to help us get through them.

We will explore and study what does health look like?

Not what does everyone around me do,

But what do really healthy people look like and choosing to be like them.

This is about stepping out of our comfort zones,

Taking calculated risks,

And pursuing our passions.

It's about navigating setbacks,

Dealing with criticism which we'll get,

And staying committed to the path of growth no matter what.

The truth is if we do nothing we'll probably turn out just like those around us and where we came from and that may be good,

That may be bad,

But it's going to happen.

But what if we explored other potentials for ourselves?

What if we got up,

Flapped our wings,

And decided to look what it was like to be an eagle and to see the world from high above?

What if we decided that we're going to suck the marrow out of life and make the most of our lives and find that every day is ultimately a beautiful day?

We can do this.

I believe each and every one of us can be an eagle in life.

This does take work,

This does take effort,

But it's really worth it.

And there's really ultimately only one thing,

One person in the entire universe that can keep you from soaring,

And that's you.

If you choose to soar,

No matter what,

You'll find your wings and you'll find that life is truly amazing.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Outstanding

Thank you 🙏

I thoroughly enjoyed this talk. Even at a mature age one is constantly having to reset and make changes to how you live your life, the people you spend time with and the true value of each day.
I have become focused on My needs first after spending a lifetime attending to others needs.
I am happy to be in my own company as opposed to the company of folk who do not share my core values or interests.
I call it freedom...and now I shall be an eagle!

Fly like an eagle!