The Secret Of How to Stay Kind (& Happy)

Being kind is facilitated by first, acknowledging that unkindness is never justified. Second, understanding the difference between feeling anger and acting unkindly. Third, implementing strategies that help reduce the anger in our hearts and minds. With these three things in place, we can become very kind (and happy) souls. (Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

With the expansion of social media,

If we didn't know it before,

People can be really unkind towards each other.

We may watch or hear so much of it that we just think the world is now a very unkind place and people in it are just jerks.

So we kind of throw in the towel and say,

Well,

If they're going to be a jerk to me,

I'm sure enough going to be a jerk back to them.

And on and on it goes until it does seem like so many people participate in unkind acts.

But I believe if we really search our hearts,

We all know people that rarely,

If ever,

Get angry.

They seem to stay calm in all situations or at least kind.

How do these superheroes do that?

I'm calling them superheroes because I think these are the people we should look up to for a variety of reasons.

One,

They're great examples for all of us too.

Their lives are just better.

If you get to know them,

They're a lot happier than the grumps out there.

And three,

They're just beautiful souls that I think we can all emulate or at least strive to.

And in today's podcast,

I want to talk about how we can develop the superhero strength of kindness no matter what.

When it comes to anger,

There really are two parts to our anger.

The first one is what we feel,

But the second one is what we do with it.

And they're completely different.

Any,

If not all of us at times can feel anger.

The difference is between people who are kind and people who just give others a piece of their mind is that kind people,

Though they may feel angry,

They don't express it.

They choose to do other things with it.

And that's really their secret.

It's not that they don't get angry.

We can all get angry.

The difference is they'll pause and they'll say,

What can I do with this anger instead?

And that's what we're going to explore today.

I don't think many of us would look up to a person who's drunk or on drugs and look at their behavior and say,

That's really commendable behavior.

But do you know why some people who drink a lot and end up becoming angry,

Mean people aren't liked?

It's because they do listen to their feelings and then they do act on it as if they have no filters.

And without those filters,

Whatever pops in their head,

They just share.

I don't know if you ever read the book or saw the movie,

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf,

But it's about people that are drunk engaging in deplorable treatment of each other.

It's a very sad,

Depressing encounter.

I was on a trip recently,

Eating at a restaurant and right outside the restaurant with this woman and I was watching her for about up to an hour.

And what she would do is she would come up to people and just start saying really hurtful,

Mean things and then walk away.

And then she'd go up to another group of people,

Say hurtful,

Mean things and then walk away.

Quickly people realized what she was up to and they just pretty much stayed away from her.

It was easy to tell that something was mentally wrong with her,

But the other truth was she definitely was not a very happy person.

So yes,

People who are drunk often just say exactly what's on their mind,

But when they're getting into that cruel mean state,

Do any of us like to be around them?

Probably not.

And the second question is,

Are they happy?

Definitely not.

So what I'm trying to do here is convince our minds that anger is not the path to go down.

Because you see,

If part of us thinks it's justified at times,

Then we're going to give permission to our anger to be expressed.

And that's really the secret of not getting angry at other people is totally and 100% meaning that it's wrong.

Not that it's wrong to necessarily kindly stand up for your rights,

But it is wrong to lash out at people with your words.

Because the more we give our minds permission to get angry at others and feel that it's justified,

Then it doesn't necessarily take much to justify our anger.

I think we can all agree that angry outbursts when we're drunk are incredibly unhealthy and not that rare because people,

When they're angry and drunk make really bad choices.

And they do that because they have no filters.

They don't realize that getting angry is something I'm not supposed to do.

It's like all the filters are taken off and they express their anger just as they're feeling it with no filters at all.

And secondly,

They're often on the campaign to actually hurt the other person.

So then they begin to think of things,

How do I hurt this person?

And it's a vicious cycle.

It's a very sad cycle because it leads to unhappiness.

And again,

The secret of how people don't get angry at others,

At least expressing it,

They may feel it,

But they don't express it,

Is they truly believe that anger is the path of unhappiness.

And that's across the board in all situations,

Period.

They don't think,

Well,

In this situation,

I can get angry and say cruel things because it's justified.

They don't care what the situation is.

They say,

In no situation am I allowed to express this,

Which I may be feeling.

I am allowed to feel it,

But I have to find other avenues to express it because I will not express my anger at other people,

Period.

And that's how they do it.

They just a hundred percent commit that that's the focus.

No matter what's going on,

They choose not to go down that path and down that path of expressing their anger at anyone and in all platforms,

Including leaving comments that can hurt another person.

Because the goal here isn't to find reasons or times when my anger is justified and I can say unkind things.

The goal here is to never be unkind towards others,

Period,

In any situations,

No matter what.

That's the goal.

So it isn't the focus of,

Okay,

In this situation,

I'm allowed to be unkind.

The focus is on saying that unkindness is never justified or warranted.

So instead,

I want to be kind.

How do I do that?

Or more importantly,

When I'm not feeling kind,

How do I choose instead to do something else with my unkind thoughts or words?

Because there's always choices.

The key that helps people to really be kind in all situations is they just decide unkindness is a poison.

It's a poison they don't want to drink and it's definitely a poison they don't want to give to anyone else.

Instead,

They choose to stand up for their rights,

But they do it in a calm or at least kind manner.

And what they've discovered is that when they choose the path of kindness is that they find in their hearts,

There's a lot more happiness and a lot more joy because they're not,

One,

Hanging on to anger and two,

They're not hanging on to regrets for things they've done or said to other people.

That's the beauty of kindness.

Now,

Of course,

You may disagree with me.

You may write to me and tell me the reason where unkindness is justified.

That's fine.

I can't stop that if you believe that unkindness is reasonable in certain situations,

Then probably what's going to happen is periodically when you're really mad,

You may say things that are unkind and you may say,

I'm willing to live with that,

Dr.

Puff.

And that may be true,

But I do know there are listeners that really want to be kind and they realize that the people they find that are truly happy are always going to be kind people.

That goes hand in hand.

So they choose to say,

I want to be happy rather than unkind.

So with the remainder of this podcast,

I want to talk about how do we do this?

How do we stay kind?

No matter what.

Well,

The first thing is when we do mess up and we are unkind with our words or our actions,

We need to forgive ourselves.

We need to be kind towards ourselves.

Remember,

We're really angry at other people because they've done things wrong.

We're really angry at ourselves for doing things wrong too.

But being unkind towards ourselves doesn't get justified at all.

No,

It actually keeps us stuck because we create a vicious loop of,

I'm an unkind,

Cruel person.

And so what do unkind,

Cruel people do?

They do unkind,

Cruel things.

And so then we beat ourselves up for doing that again and again and again.

The way we break that cycle is through kindness.

But the first thing we do is we're kind towards ourselves.

I know it may seem like an oxymoron.

Okay,

Be kind,

But when you're unkind,

Be kind.

But it is how it works.

We are going to mess up.

That's just part of our conditioning.

If we're one of these people that give others a piece of our mind,

It's probably just our upbringing,

What we were taught,

What we've been exposed to,

What got conditioned.

It's just a conditioned habit.

You're not an unkind,

Cruel person.

You're a person who's been conditioned to be unkind in certain situations.

So right now,

You're being reconditioned to be kind in all situations through listening to this podcast and my talk.

That's the key.

We have to be kind towards ourselves if we truly want to change.

Whatever we think matters,

If we truly want to change our habit of being unkind,

Then we need to change our habit of criticizing ourselves when we are unkind towards others.

We can say to our blue in the face,

What can I learn from this?

But if we're really serious about breaking the cycle of being unkind,

Then we need to start with being kind towards ourselves.

Okay,

So again,

Number one,

We believe unkindness is wrong.

Number two,

We don't beat up ourselves with our unkindness because that's not going to help either.

So here's number three.

Okay,

First off,

And most importantly,

Our emotions are our emotions.

We can't stop our emotions.

Instead,

We observe them.

We listen to them and try to understand them.

We observe our emotions.

We say,

Oh,

Wow,

That person is making me really angry right now and I want to give them a piece of my mind.

Then we pause and we say,

All right,

I committed not to be unkind anymore.

So,

I'm not going to do that.

It may feel good to do that right now,

But I'm not going to do that.

So instead,

What can I do?

And this is part three of how to be kind in all situations.

This is the secret sauce that people do because they've committed to not be unkind in any situations.

They stop when they're feeling that anger come out of them and they're starting to express it.

Or maybe they're just noticing,

Wow,

I feel angry.

But because they've agreed that in no situations is unkindness justified,

They say,

Okay,

I'm not going to say something unkind right now.

What can I do instead?

Maybe I can do just that.

Take a deep pause.

Sometimes a little pause can definitely help.

The second thing is,

If possible,

Once you feel that anger coming to the service and it's going to come out as unkind words or actions,

You say,

It's time to leave.

I'm going to remove myself from this situation.

A lot of times that is literally physically getting up and leaving or hanging up the phone or stopping the texting with another person.

You're just done.

You take a break.

And with that break,

You'll find that with time,

Your anger will subside.

And the wonderful thing is when it does subside,

You wouldn't have hurt anybody with your words or actions.

Isn't that great?

That's the wonderful thing about removing yourself from situations that are causing you severe anger.

It allows you to calm down,

Which you will.

We'll talk a little bit about that,

Of how to do that.

And secondly,

You don't have any collateral damage afterwards.

You didn't hurt anyone with your words.

And you'll love that feeling.

It's so nice not to hurt other people with our words or actions.

Instead,

We begin to love other people and show them kindness,

Even sometimes when we're not feeling very kind towards them.

Experiment with this.

You will find it is such a beautiful experience.

Now,

If you're used to lashing out at people,

You may think this is BS,

Or it may take you a while to really let go of that hatred.

But what you'll slowly discover is something new is in your heart.

And it's love towards yourself and a love of life.

And that's why we begin to embrace this path of kindness.

Now,

Sometimes we're in situations that we can't leave.

Let's say,

For example,

We're on a long car trip or an airplane trip,

And we get angry with the person that we're with.

And we want to say unkind things.

We feel it rising inside of us.

So what we do is we just get quiet.

We don't say anything.

They may keep prodding and pushing us.

But after a while,

They'll leave us alone.

If we truly just stay quiet,

Perhaps close our eyes and wait until the ranting of the other person ends.

And then we get back to calming our hearts.

And how do we do that?

How do we calm our hearts when they're riled up and angry?

Well,

What we do is,

My favorite thing to do is go to some form of physical activity.

I mean,

A simple thing we can do is go for a stroll.

Just get outside and go for a walk,

A long walk,

Until your heart begins to abate and feel better.

And then you can come back and continue the conversation if it needs to continue.

Or if it was a stranger and there's no need to continue the conversation,

Then you're just happier.

Your heart's lighter and you just feel better.

That's the beauty of this path.

You really begin to find that your heart is lighter and there's nothing left over,

Nothing to forgive yourself for or to hate yourself for.

And you can let go of the anger.

You don't really need to be angry at anyone,

At least for very long.

I remember once a person years ago said something really,

Really unkind to me.

And it was interesting.

I was actually going on a solo backpack trip that day,

That weekend.

So the first probably two or three hours as I was hiking,

I allowed myself to feel that anger and kind of express it during my walk and be angry at what she said.

But I just kept walking.

And then with time,

It abated.

I remember actually watching the anger dissipate and it was gone.

So we can work through our anger when people hurt us without lashing back at them.

But we do need to proactively do something to help our anger dissipate.

The second,

I think important thing that we can do is looking at anger in a very different way.

We tend to,

When people hurt us,

Want to hurt them back because we feel we're justified.

And it's that philosophy of an eye for an eye.

They took out my eye.

I'm definitely going to take out their eye.

We can do that,

But it's just the path of unhappiness.

And once we realize that,

We say,

Okay,

Huh,

Why do I need to lash out at this person?

It's going to make me unhappy.

And I want to be happy.

They've already half ruined my day.

I'm not going to let them continue to ruin it by hanging onto this.

I'm going to realize their condition being that has consequences to their choices.

I'm sure glad I'm not going down their path.

It's just their conditioning.

If I want to blame anyone,

Blame the conditioning and stop blaming the person.

They're conditioned to be that way as you are.

So now you're working on changing that conditioning through kindness towards yourself and understanding awareness.

When we're truly aware that no one can commit atrocities unless they've been conditioned to do that.

And we're choosing to change our conditioning so we never participate in that again.

And then finally,

If we really want to have the secret of happiness through our kindness,

We need to practice this throughout the day.

And that's through the many interactions that we have throughout our lives.

Now,

Some of us may choose to isolate ourselves from the world.

We can do that.

But again,

That won't be a happy path.

Instead,

We can see the world as an opportunity to practice kindness.

When people do things that irritate us or make us upset,

Instead of lashing out,

We go for that walk or we remove ourselves.

Or maybe with time,

We actually say something kind back.

Sometimes it can soften a situation when a person is being unkind by truly being kind back.

Because often it was just a misunderstanding or they're just having a bad day.

So kindness towards someone who's being unkind towards us can sometimes be an effective skill.

All right,

To recap,

There's really three parts to the secret sauce of being kind in all situations.

Number one is acknowledging that unkindness is never justified anywhere,

Anytime.

And given that we can practice it throughout the day,

Being kind,

Even when we don't feel like it.

The second thing is there's nothing wrong with our emotions.

We may feel a lot of hate and anger in our heart.

We don't have to necessarily be upset over that.

We just need to do the third thing.

We just dissipate that anger.

And that often is by just doing something physical until we feel calmer.

That physical activity allows us to dissipate that anger.

And we also,

If we can,

Begin to understand that when people do hurt us,

It's because they're conditioned to do such.

And we're just glad we don't have that conditioning.

Instead,

We're going to choose the path of kindness in all situations because we really want to be happy.

And we've discovered that that path is through kindness.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Very helpful tips on living happily. Thank you.

❤️

A brilliant approach to life that I will try work hard to follow. Thank you so much for sharing!

I agree that it’s always best to be kind, especially to yourself. I try to respond rather than react. This was inspiring 🙏🏼

“Right Speech” can be very difficult at times. Thank you for the encouragement.

Lots of good practices to have the intention to live tour life and be coming from the best place you can. 🙏

Just what I needed. I'm so angry at times. Over 18 years in recovery from addiction and yet my anger and sense of betrayal surface almost daily.....just for today. I aim to practice kindness and restraint in all area's of my conscious time.
I've bookmarked this talk.
Thank you doctor

Thx Dr Robert, for the importance of Responding & not Reacting to our anger

So true…kindness towards yourself and then spread it outwardly.

Wow and amazing! To share with my teenage grandsons. Thank you 🙏🏻💞

Great advice 💖💖
Explained very well.
Your perspective will be helpful.
Thank you 🙏 for sharing 💖🧡🧡💖

“Accept what is, love what is!” I thought I couldn’t find 19 min in my day when I saw this talk pop up on my radar. Mornings before everyone wakes up are usually my time. Now I wish it were longer. This talk needs to be played on loop in my house. But for now, I’ll just keep it on repeat and add it to my day and low points. Thank you so much Dr. Puff! Your name is awesome by the way!
I was actually sad when you someone was unkind to you. My pessimistic side was like wait, what? Lol I was preprogrammed with out for blood mentality when it came to running my mouth and wanting to create pain for people. I never really knew why. But I’m seeing now that it was because I was crying out for help and no one would help me understand how to alleviate this pain!
Dr. Puff!!! You and everyone reading this need to give this medicine to everyone you come across! I am responsible for this too, since I know now that we are not to blame. But we are our cure! We are each other’s cure! I love this so much. So much kindness, compassion and love from my heart to yours! I am so inspired to live today with true loving ears, kind words and patient responses.
I get so caught up in getting things done that I’m snatching things and talking fast or low (so people can’t hear me and I’m forced to repeat myself because it’s another way for me to get my button pushed-insert eye roll at myself-). Oh loving kindness has a whole other meaning to me. It’s been words I’ve been saying, but only just beginning to touch the surface of living it. Thank you for putting basic needs at the forefront! This should be taught to children first, ahead of ABCs and coloring.

Great insight & advice which when practiced, will truly help. Thank you. 🙂

Thank you Robert. Really enjoy listening to your happiness podcast. You always keep things simple and practical, but also share such wisdom and your kindness is always something that comes across so strongly.

Perfect advice currently for me . 🙏🙏🙏

Namasta

Thank you Dr. Puff, grateful for your insights, practices and summaries. Sending good wishes with kindness.

That was lovely thank you🙏

Great talk and tools on staying kind.
I really enjoyed and appreciate your podcast.
Thank you 🙏🏽

Thank you 🙏