Fear, Anger and the Ego

In this podcast we explore how our ego can cause us to experience fear and anger. We when flow with life, without fixatiing on the self, life goes better.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast. I'm Dr. Robert Puff. I have a question for us today. Sometimes when negative events happen, We can get really angry. It's amazing how intense we can get. I remember the first time I drove to New York City and I was going to drive through the tunnel, A whole bunch of cars converged on the tunnel and you had to go through a toll booth. Well, There was this taxi in this other car that were vying for the same position and they kept honking in each other because the other person wouldn't move. Finally, They got out of their cars and literally got in a fistfight just over who could get into the lane first. Fear is another one of these intense emotions that we display sometimes. It can be incredible how fearful we can be. We can be fearful for our lives if we're given a bad lab report. We can be fearful for our safety if we think we're going to lose our job. Fear can just be such a powerful emotion. And yet, At times in these same situations, We can see people acting with true calmness and equanimity in the exact same situation someone else may act with rage or fear. Why is that? What's the difference between one being so upset and the other being so calm? Why are we able to do both? And what's happening here? It all has to do with what's called the ego or fixating on the self. There are a lot of reasons we get angry, But the bottom line reason we get angry is because we have identified with this person, Call ourselves Jane, Mary, Jack, Whoever we may be listening to this podcast right now. And we say this person is important, Which we are, But there's so much fixation on the self that it's about, Well, Because I am this person, I'm definitely not going to let those other people out there take advantage of me. And if they do, I'm going to get them. I'm going to make sure they pay for it. It's a real fixation on me. And so we get angry. It's the same thing with fear. It's again, It's a real fixation on me because I'm afraid something's going to happen to me and I'm going to suffer. It's all about me, Me, Me. And so we suffer in both situations. I'm sure we've all heard of the term narcissistic personality disorder. And this is about when a person's ego gets so strong, It is all about them. And they do everything in their power to protect their ego because deep down inside, They're very insecure and they're insecure. So they don't want to feel that pain. So the way they avoid feeling that pain is to make everything about them. If they can have the focus beyond them and all their wonderful accomplishments and they get angry when it's not, Or they get fearful when it's not. And the bottom line is they just don't have very happy lives. And we're here to have happy lives. And of course, I'm sure none of us are narcissistic, But we are often very focused on the self. We're fixated on our ego and because we care, So we get angry or we get fearful. Another simple example would be we're standing in a long line to go to a movie and there's a lot of people in front of us. And we notice that someone comes along and cuts in front of us. We don't know why, We don't know if they're meeting a friend, But initially we get angry and maybe we're going to say something. We're that person that likes to make sure people don't take advantage of us. We can do that, But that path is a path of suffering because when we are constantly defending ourselves and making sure other people don't take advantage of us, In the long run, It gets really exhausting and there's a lot of fights going on. You're just arguing and fighting with people all day long because a lot of times, Of course not always, But a lot of times it's just a misunderstanding. They had a friend waiting for them, They went to the bathroom, Or sometimes they're just cheating. It is true. But the question to ask ourselves is, Would I rather be angry or would I rather be happy? I know you may be thinking, But Dr. Puff, People will take advantage of me. They may sometimes. It may happen. But again, It's all about the ego. In this case, I don't want anyone to take advantage of me. I want to make sure that my ego is protected. And it just gets exhausting. We're either fighting fear or we're fighting anger. Those two emotions just keep kicking in when that fixation on the self gets so strong. Another good example of this can be driving. Here in California, We have a lot of cars and we drive a lot. And when you drive, You're going to see people doing things that perhaps your ego says, That's not fair. That's not right. Why is that happening? And we can get upset over those things, Of course. But the key here is we're going to get upset. The other person may not even care or keep driving on and may not have even noticed what they did. I think what we have to decide is, Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right? Do I want my ego to be in that just place where it's never taken advantage of? Again, We can do that. But that is a path of suffering. And we're here to go down a different path. So we suffer because of the fixation on the self. When we are in that really good place, That place where things just go smoothly, Because we are just not worried about what other people do. We're just focused on living life in the moment well. Ego-less life. Then life goes well. It's very spontaneous. It's very free. It's so relaxing. But it's all about the fixation on the self, Or in this case, Not having a fixation on the self. Instead, Far more just observing life, Living life, And not trying to protect the ego. Not trying to make sure that other people aren't going to hurt the ego or other circumstances aren't going to cause damage to our egos. The more we fixate on the egos, The more we're going to suffer. I mean, Let's go back to our movie line example. Let's say we notice someone cutting in front of us. And maybe we don't say anything, But we're stewing inside. We're angry. We say, That's not fair. Why did they do that? I'm angry at them. And maybe we're going to sit through a quarter of the movie until we calm down and can start enjoying the movie. So who suffers there? Who suffers from all this anger, From all this injustice that we are so upset over and we didn't even do anything about? And let's say we did do something about it and we got in an argument with them. That can happen sometimes. And then we might not enjoy the entire movie because we're thinking about what that argument was all about. It can be very upsetting. And so we miss out on the whole movie just because we're going to make sure that there's justice in the world, That things are going the right way. It's not that I'm against justice. It's just, We have to ask ourselves, Do we need to fight all these battles? I mean, Little battles, Like people getting in front of us and lying. Is it really worth it? Are people cutting this off on the freeway? Is it really worth it? Is it worth losing our happiness, Our equanimity, Because we want to be right? So we honk at them or we say something to them or we just do inside, Whatever it may be, Or we're fearful and our fear causes us to miss out on life. These emotions, This fixation on the self, Is all about missing out on life. We don't get to enjoy life because we're so fixated on our egos. And that is the path of suffering. So we have to ask ourselves, Do we want to be free? Do we want to really enjoy life well? Or do we want to fixate on the self and suffer? So how might we start to condition ourselves to do this differently, To not be so fixated on the self and to live life free and well? Okay, Let's use the example of standing in line. We're standing there and we happen to notice through the corner of our eyes that someone gets in front of us. We don't know if they're meeting with someone else. We don't know anything yet. So we have a choice. We can begin letting our egos investigate it, Think about it, Ponder it, Maybe get worked up over it, Or we can say, You know, I'd rather be happy and not give my attention to that. Now you may be thinking, But Dr. Puff, People will be taking advantage of us all day long. I mean, On big things, Of course we need to stand up and do what's right and speak and be proactive and make our world a better place. All those things, Of course we do. But this isn't about that. This is about the little things that happen all day long. See, The ego can create stories about such little things. I mean, Mind you, Let's say that person got in front of us. What is the worst thing that could happen? They may cause us to be delayed, Getting in the movie by what? A tenth of a second or maybe even a minute max. So is it worth getting all upset and losing our equanimity over a minute of lost time? Is it really worth it? And that's how it works. We ask ourselves, Do I want to be happy or do I want to be fearful? Do I want to be angry? Because it works the same way in regards to fear. Let me use an example here. We may be going through an economic time in the future that companies begin to downsize and we may begin to worry about whether our company is going to downsize and we're going to lose our job. I mean, Mind you, Those can happen. Those are realistic fears. But the question to ask ourselves is, Is anything happening right now or am I creating stories about things that haven't happened? Because you see, We're pretty resilient if we're in this place of equanimity to deal with things well. But worrying about them, Being fearful of what may happen in the future, Again, It just takes away from our peace and happiness right now. So when these fears kick in, We have to ask ourselves, Is this something worth giving my attention to? And most of the time it's going to be no. So when it isn't, We let it go and we get back to what's happening right now. It's so much that getting back to what's happening right now. And even in the big things, Like I talked about earlier, Caring for the big things in life. Yes, We want to do that longer than when we fight injustices in the world and get so emotionally exhausted over it because we're just fighting it and fighting it instead of saying, I'm going to proactively do something about this, But I'm not going to let my ego take over. I'm just going to fight for justice and do it in a way that is truly peaceful. It's truly where I can do it in a place that allows me to keep doing it for years to come where I won't get burned out. This is a lot better way to live life on both fronts, On the big issues and on letting go of the little issues. We can, Of course, Hang on to them. That's up to us, But we're here to be happy. We're here to find peace. And the path of peace is letting go of the fixation on the self. And we do that by living in the present. And we let a lot of things go. A lot of little things, We just say, Is it worth it to fight this? Is it worth it to be fearful of this? Or would I rather live and be happy right now? Again, I'm not arguing against fighting for injustices. I'm just saying mostly what we do is we fight over things that are really only causing us to suffer. And if we don't want to keep suffering, Then we have to stop fighting. We have to stop fixating on the self and live a far more spontaneous free life where we flow with life and not fight life. It's such a beautiful way to live that each and every one of us can do. We do have to work on it. So let's practice now, Really practice not engaging with the ego so much, Not fixating on the self and instead just flowing with life. And when things come up that cause our ego distress, Let's ask ourselves, Is it really worth it to fight this? Or would it, In this situation, Be better for me just to get back into the now, Let it go, And flow with life? Of course we can fight life, But that's a path of suffering. Instead, Instead of engaging with our fears, Instead of indulging in our anger, How about if we learn to flow with life, Live well, And just let things go and realize that our equanimity is far more important than fighting all these little injustices in the world. It just may not be worth it. And at the deepest level, Are they even worth it? Aren't they really about me? They make it all about me? What if instead we didn't make life so much about our ego that we could do so much about our egos, About fixating on ourselves, But instead just flowed with life? Then when we notice things that our ego would say, That's not right, We would say, That's just life. Flow. Stop fighting life. Don't worry about every little thing. And instead, Just be. Being in the present moment, Being well, Being still, That's the path of happiness. May we all commit to that path. Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast. Besides creating this podcast, There are a variety of other things that I do. If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities, And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person, Just go to www. Happinesspodcast. Org. That's happinesspodcast. Org. You can subscribe to my newsletter. And if you do, You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation. And until next time, Accept what is, Love what is.

Reviews

Lovely. Your voice and tone convey so much warmth and contentment. 🫶

I always lived my life like this, but lost the way in the ratrace around me. It gives me extra strength to live more in the moment again.

You have made so many things clear and understandable. So brilliantly presented. Now to put this knowledge into practice.

Agree! We have the freedom to choose how we react to situations, this of course will take practice

What I needed to hear! Yes be in the moment🙏🏼 Enjoy the ride!