3 Things We Can Do When Life Is Really Hard

Life can be so challenging sometimes that we aren't even sure if life is worth living anymore. If you know someone going through such a hard time, he or she may find this podcast helpful. (Please note that this is a lecture, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

This may have never happened to you,

But if we've lived long enough,

We're going to see sometimes things that happen to people or ourselves that are ever so challenging and just hard,

Simply hard.

And as a clinical psychologist now helping people for over 35 years,

I've seen a lot of things,

A lot of very challenging situations that happen to people.

And in some instances,

They get so difficult,

The person would rather die than keep going forward.

So this podcast is to give hope or tools when we or we know someone is going through a very difficult time.

But before I get into the three things that we can do when we're going through incredibly difficult times,

I want to encourage all of us to be very careful,

Careful on two fronts.

When we see someone going through a really difficult time,

It is not helpful,

It is not kind.

There's just nothing good about judging them.

No matter what they did to contribute to their current unhappiness,

I don't feel it's helpful to be judging them.

But the same is true for us.

It is not helpful when we make decisions that have incredibly horrible consequences to them,

To be judging ourselves from them.

We can learn from them,

But not judge ourselves because that isn't helpful to ourselves or anyone else.

The tendency is when we judge others,

However we judge them,

We'll judge ourselves more harshly.

But the second thing is when we do judge ourselves,

We have a tendency to repeat what we did instead of learn from it.

And in life,

We want to learn and grow and not stay stuck.

So let's not judge others,

Let's not judge ourselves,

Let's just learn and do our best to make this difficult situation better.

What are some of the things that can happen to us that make life really hard?

We all know we may be going through it right now,

Which is why we're listening to this podcast.

But often,

Death of a loved one or of a relationship through divorce or separation can be incredibly hard or an illness that is going to take our lives or someone that we know.

Again,

Very difficult.

Financial situations that have changed or rocked our world can be horrifying and of course,

Very challenging to our happiness.

I mean,

The list can be very long.

Even when we're attacked by another,

Like in the case of rape or incest,

These situations are horrifying and very difficult.

But the good news is,

No matter what we've gone through or are going through right now,

I really believe there are things that we can actively do right now to improve our situation and make it better.

So what are these three things that I'm advocating when life is hard to make it better?

And I know the importance of this podcast because some of you may be listening to this and this may be your last line between life and death.

If you don't agree with what I say,

Then you may end your life.

So please listen,

Be open,

And again,

Perhaps you'll find some hope in the words I'm going to share as you go through your ever so difficult time.

Well,

The first thing that we can all do when it's really hard is stay in the present and take one moment at a time.

Literally,

Sometimes one moment at a time.

Because as human beings,

We are so good at handling things one moment at a time.

What overwhelms us is when we think about the future and all that might be or could be or shall be,

Those stories are what make us suffer and make it so that we wish this would end permanently.

But we don't have to do that because one,

There are just too many things that can happen in life to make changes to our future.

No one knows the future.

And if you've lived long enough or talked to enough people that may be exactly where you're at right now,

Wishing they weren't even alive anymore,

You'll find that when they hung in there long enough,

They don't feel that way anymore and never have again.

It passed.

But at the time,

What causes us to get overwhelmed is when we think about the future and all that entails,

It can seem so dark and bleak that it makes us wish we weren't alive anymore.

So a far better approach is to just take the next five minutes,

The next hour and say,

Okay,

I know I can create a horrible story about my future,

But perhaps right now I could do something to make my heart a little lighter.

I could step outside.

I could call a friend.

I could watch a beautiful movie.

I could just find something that would make my heart better now.

I know it may not last.

I know the darkness may come back.

But there are so many things that if we focus on the now,

It just doesn't seem as overwhelming.

Most often when we think about everything that we get overwhelmed,

When we just focus right here,

Right now,

On the now,

We are so strong and resilient.

But when we start thinking about the future and all that that can entail,

It can take the strongest person to their knees.

So what is far better is to just live in the now as present as possible,

Because then no matter how horrific we're going through is right now,

We can handle it.

We can handle pain.

We can handle loss.

We can handle even the suffering we're going through right now,

Because what causes us to suffer far more is never what's happening now.

Even with pain,

We're good.

It may be really hard,

But we really are good.

I mean,

Think about a woman giving birth to a child.

It is incredibly painful.

I'm not sure there's much more painful than that.

Yet the moment the baby is born,

She's so much better and relieved and happy.

So whatever we're going through right now,

It isn't what's happening right now that's causing us all this suffering.

It's the stories we're creating about the future and what that's going to look like.

We don't know the future.

There's just too many things that affect our future,

Countless.

What we do know is right now there are things that we can do and focus on and enjoy and be in the present moment.

And if there is a crisis that we need to address in the now,

We can handle it.

What it will look like a year from now,

Nobody knows.

But what we do know is right now,

Whatever we're going through,

Let's say we've been diagnosed with cancer,

But there's nothing to do for a week to our next appointment.

So then we just live.

Let's say the love of our life broke up with us.

Then we say,

Okay,

I have a lot of free time.

What can I do now instead of just being horribly depressed?

I'll call up a friend.

I'll get outside.

I'll go to the gym.

I'll go for a swim.

In the now,

There are so many options that are good.

But when or if we start contemplating the future,

That's when the darkness can set in.

We need to stay away from there.

We need it pretty much when we're going through these really hard times,

Living in the now,

Living in the present moment,

Maybe one hour at a time.

And that's it.

That's what we do.

Now,

When it settles down and we're better,

We can start making bigger plans for our future.

But when we're going through that really,

Really dark time,

It's very much about getting in the now.

Because in the now,

We can handle anything.

But when we let the thoughts of the future creep in,

When we're in that very dark place,

We're just going to see darkness forever.

And when we get in these dark places,

Sometimes we can make choices to stop our life.

And we don't have to do that.

I really believe that when we focus on being in the now,

That life becomes manageable.

We can handle so many things.

When we stay focused on what we need to do today,

Just today,

If we look too far in the future,

It can get so overwhelming when we're in that dark place.

But today,

We can manage things quite well.

And then we can shift into the second thing that we can do.

Because when we're focused on today,

Today,

There are a lot of good things in our life.

We may be healthy.

We may be living in a home that we really like.

We may have great friends.

We may have a great job.

I mean the other thing that's causing us to feel really badly is still there.

But what about all these other things that are so beautiful in our lives?

We can focus on them.

Give them our attention.

I know the other things are still there,

The dark things.

But no matter how dark it is,

There truly is always something in our lives that we can focus on that is going well.

I mean it may be our pet dog that loves us so unconditionally.

It may be that we have a beautiful park that we can go to where the nature and the birds and the flowers are so gorgeous.

It may be our dear friend who we're going to go visit right now because it's time to connect with them.

And we need them because we would be there for them if they were going through a hard time too.

So there always is something beautiful,

Something we can focus on in our lives that can give us encouragement,

That can help us through this dark time.

And if we begin to truly give that our focus and not so much thinking about the darkness and what's coming,

I think we'll find that our hearts will feel lighter and the thing that's overwhelming us right now just won't be as overwhelming.

But it's really choosing to and actively getting engaged in,

Focusing in on the things that are good in our lives.

And there's always something good.

I remember once visiting a person that was dying in a hospital and they just commented how they loved to hear the birds singing through the window.

So they asked the orderlies to keep the window open at all times throughout the day so they could hear the birds.

And they talked about the flowers they had on the nightstand.

They were so beautiful that they just really enjoyed the fragrance they gave off.

There really is something beautiful to be with always.

And when we're in that very dark place,

We have to very actively focus on them,

Seek them out,

And make them our priority.

And I think the third and last thing we can do that I found incredibly helpful is when we get to these really dark places,

Go out and help someone else.

Really.

Go out and help someone else.

Perhaps find a homeless person and bring them a meal.

Perhaps you know someone who's in a nursing home and find someone who doesn't get visited and just sit by their bedside.

Perhaps you know someone who's going through a horrible divorce.

Call on them and see if you can be there for them.

Perhaps visiting an oncology,

A cancer award for children.

And see if you can volunteer and help.

Perhaps working with a pet shelter where animals need love and attention because no one gives it to them.

There's always things that we can do to help others.

The world would love that.

And what I think we'll find if we do that,

That our hearts will be lighter.

And the thing that we're going through won't seem so bad because now we're helping others and we don't have all the focus on what we feel is so dark in our lives.

I think this is a good one.

Very few people do this,

But I think if we did this when we're in these really dark times,

We would find our lives a lot better going out and helping others.

So to recap,

If right now we're deciding whether life's worth living,

Remember there are three things that we can do.

We can take it one moment at a time and not think so much about what it's going to look like a week,

A month,

A year from now.

Just focus on the now.

And then in that now,

Find something that's good in our lives,

Something that's beautiful.

And third,

Reach out and help others,

Whether it's a person or an animal or even nature.

Make the world a better place from our suffering.

And what we'll find if we do these three things,

I think we'll find that with time,

The darkness will abate,

We'll get back to our hearts that are truly beautiful and find that life can be happy if we hang in there and proactively do things to make our lives and other people's lives better.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

If you are finding these episodes helpful,

I would love for you to share your experience with others.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Very helpful. 🙏🏼

I missed listening to you. Thank you so much. You're so enlightening and uplifting. This podcast really hit home for me.Every single word pretty much so a 100% on point.Thank you doctor puff
😉🙏🏽

Thank you! I loved these suggestions especially helping someone-volunteering. These really do give us a deep sense of purpose and connection. I know someone now who could really benefit from these ideas. Stay well. You have such a soothing calming voice too.

Good advice. 🙏

Excellent advice! Thank you for all your wonderful podcasts. Always helpful. God bless you 🙏😊

Very good tips! Thank you!

Great, doable suggestions!

This podcast came to me when I needed this advice very much. Thank you for being there. My rough times are just beginning; I will be listening to this one again.

This is soo very gentle and kind with simple and helpful advice! 😌🙏🏻💗

I always enjoy your insights this one was very special as I have used one day at a time attitude for quite some time through my hard times it’s the only way to cope with hard times.