Guided Relational Self Reflection

This guided relationship self-awareness practice provides an opportunity to reflect on the feelings and needs of self and others. Drawing upon Buddhist teachings, the listener is further supported to consider the five elements of skillful speech, and how to effectively communicate one's feelings and needs to others.

Transcript

Welcome to this guided reflection on caring for concerns in relation to others and introduction to the five elements of skillful speech.

Challenges in relationships to others are inevitable.

Our aim is not to avoid conflict or unpleasant experiences in relation to others,

But to learn how to better care for them.

Before you share your concerns or feelings and needs with others,

It is helpful to take the time to self-reflect,

And to process how you and even the other person may be responding to the situation at hand.

Let's walk through a few questions that you can ask yourself when reflecting upon and attempting to address issues as they arise.

To begin,

Take some time to reflect.

What am I feeling?

What emotion is coming up for me relative to the relationship?

Why might that be?

Carefully consider all the possible causes and conditions that are affecting your reaction and how you feel.

For example,

Are there other stressors affecting how I am viewing this concern?

Is something from the past being triggered?

Are my emotions solely based on this relationship,

Or are there other factors,

Or is this related to my family of origin?

If the emotion you identify is anger,

Know that it often arises because there is a loss of connection,

Or because either you or the other person has not yet been understood.

Stay with the anger or frustration to see,

See what else you might be feeling.

Imagine there are very tender,

Vulnerable emotions that the anger seems to be protecting us from,

Such as hurt,

Sadness,

Fear,

Loneliness,

Loss,

To name a few.

Look deeply to see,

What else am I feeling?

Throughout this process,

If the emotion you are feeling becomes too overwhelming,

Take a moment to help the emotion to settle.

Even now,

Let's take three slow,

Deep breaths to support you to ground yourself,

To help calm the heart,

Mind,

And body.

You can be proactive like this at any time,

And once the emotion has come to settle,

Or even pass,

Then we can take some more time to reflect.

What is or was the emotion,

And why might I be feeling this?

If you can give space for the emotion to be known,

It will give you the opportunity to see more clearly.

Often when under stress,

Our view of our world is limited or narrow,

So it takes time,

And just a little bit of quiet solitude,

To see what we are dealing with,

In the bigger context of our lives and the world around us,

Can be helpful.

And honoring what you feel will then help you to determine,

Given these feelings,

What do I need?

Emotions are often a reflection of what is important to us,

And what we and others need in order to be well.

For example,

Our loneliness is an important messenger of our need for connection.

Our guilt can draw us to be thoughtful about how we may have caused harm to others.

When reflecting upon what you need,

It is helpful to consider,

How can I take care,

How can I take responsibility for this?

Sometimes what is needed can only be fulfilled within ourselves,

So that when we feel guilty,

It is up to us to rectify or make amends.

But at times,

We need each other,

And it may very well be appropriate for us to consider,

Is there something that I need from someone else?

At times,

You may long for another person to know how you feel and what you need,

Especially if your feelings and needs have not been cared for in the past,

In your family or with close loved ones.

We must be gentle with this longing,

And come to accept that as adults,

We must let others know how we feel and what we need,

And that others may not always be able to be there for us.

They may not have the capacity,

And this may be temporary,

And for some,

They may never be able to be responsive in a way that is meaningful to us.

So we learn to care for our feelings and needs in other ways,

Or to turn to other relationships.

When you do express how you feel and what is needed,

Be as concrete and specific about what it is.

For example,

It may be as simple as,

I am feeling overwhelmed,

And I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay,

Or I am sad,

I just need a hug,

Or I don't feel understood,

But I really want to take some time to talk about this further.

Before sharing what we feel and need with others,

It can also be helpful to spend some time through the lens of compassion and curiosity,

To consider,

What is the other person's feelings?

What are their feelings and needs?

It's okay if you don't know,

And if it feels safe,

We can also ask.

We are often so caught up in our own feelings that we lose sight of the other,

So it is of value to take the time to direct the mind towards the experience of the other.

As part of this consideration of the other person,

You can also ask,

Is there anything I need to take responsibility for regarding the relationship or issue at hand?

Am I causing harm or suffering?

Could I validate or acknowledge this in some way?

Am I of benefit to this relationship,

Or could I be more generous?

At times it may not be safe to process how we feel or what our concern is with the other person,

But if it is possible,

We do want to consider,

How will I share this information?

Am I ready to share this information?

Here we can draw upon Buddhist teachings on skillful speech that encourage one to examine the forms of speech that cause harm and the elements of speech that are of benefit and that lead to peace and happiness.

An important part of the development of caring relationships is our ethical sensitivity and consideration of how we speak to others.

There are five elements of skillful speech that you can develop,

And that is being loving,

Gentle,

Truthful,

Beneficial,

And that our words are spoken at a time that is right.

Without an awareness of the intent or effect of your words,

You are at risk of hurting others.

There is never certainty of how others will receive your words,

So it is wise to give careful consideration in terms of whether what is spoken is from a place of love.

We can train ourselves to restrain careless speech.

You can choose your words carefully,

Display caring and consideration through eye contact and listening closely.

You must also consider whether your speech is gentle,

In terms of tone,

Volume,

Body language and posture.

The effort of skillful speech aims to put others at ease and to affirm rather than undermine or demean them.

Moreover,

Your speech should bring harmony,

Openness,

And intimacy to the relationship.

Within skillful speech,

You also make a commitment to speak the truth.

More damage is done to oneself when one speaks harmfully,

And it is said that your mind will only be free through speaking the truth.

First,

You must take the time to recognize your intentions,

The impact of your words,

And whether such speech is truthful.

You must also reflect upon the benefit of your speech.

Buddhist teachings encourage you to bring skillful understanding and intentions to your speech as a way of life and as a means to strengthen your own heart.

It is also suggested that you consider speaking at a beneficial or appropriate time.

Particularly when the information you have to share is difficult,

You must consider if what you have to say can be heard at that time.

The right time is a balanced consideration of self and other.

You can simply ask yourself whether you are ready to speak gently,

To speak from a place of love with the intent to create understanding and connection,

Or are you in a place of reactivity,

Washed over and burdened by difficult emotions?

You can also consider the other person's state of mind,

And whether the conditions are conducive for them to receive your words,

As well as whether there is enough time to honor what needs to be said and for the other person to respond.

There may very well be some relationships where there will never be a good time,

And this may be something we may need to grieve or to let go of.

When testing your readiness for skillful speech,

You can draw upon Buddhist wisdom and simply ask,

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it beneficial to myself or the other?

Does it harm anyone?

And is this the right time to speak?

There are so many causes and conditions that affect our capacity to be well.

Know that up until this point and going forward,

You are doing the best that you can,

And so too are all those you are in relationship with.

You just want to be a good person.

You just want to love and be loved.

Let whatever efforts you are able to engage in be good enough.

May your developing awareness and your efforts to identify feelings and needs of self and others and the consideration of these five elements of skillful speech support you to attend to and nurture safe,

Healthy,

Loving relationships.

May your efforts make it so.