Welcome.
Let's talk about finding calm before conflict.
Nobody likes conflict and the reason is because it makes us emotional.
Most conflict comes from the emotional part of our brain where we don't really have much control.
The emotional part of the brain is known as the limbic brain and that's where the fight-or-flight mechanism is stored.
The fight-or-flight mechanism happens,
It gets triggered with no warning and it is instantaneous.
That is a good thing if you're being chased by a saber-toothed tiger.
You don't want to have to stop and think about what's happening.
But it's not a good thing if you've been cut off in traffic or had an argument with a co-worker or are frustrated with your teenager.
At that point it can feel like you're getting hijacked by your emotion.
You can rationally look around and realize that there are no saber-toothed tigers chasing you.
But that doesn't stop you from experiencing the anxiety,
The adrenaline rush and the stress that comes with conflict.
Because we humans have the capacity for memory and cognition,
We have an added layer of complication around conflict.
Because we can remember past conflicts and those can trigger us even if we aren't in the middle of a conflict at the time.
We also have the ability to anticipate reactions in others,
Therefore dreading conflicts even if we aren't having one in the moment.
All of this comes from the limbic brain.
Now the good news is that we humans,
Because we have memory and cognition,
That means that we have to have the cerebral cortex also known as the prefrontal cortex or the outer brain.
This is the area of the brain that can remember and can rationalize and can make conscious choices.
The problem with that is that the prefrontal cortex or the outer brain takes a little time to catch up to the limbic brain.
So if you have to experience a conflict or if you're worried about experiencing a conflict or if you're going into a situation that you're afraid might turn into a conflict,
Even as your outer brain understands and can rationally choose how to manage that,
Your limbic brain will still react and it is that fight-or-flight reaction that generally makes people so uncomfortable with conflict.
We get emotional when we don't want to,
We start to argue,
We may get angry even if there is nothing in front of us to push those buttons.
If there is something in front of us to push those buttons,
Then these reactions are heightened.
But here's the good news,
There is a way to center yourself and be calm before you go into something that could be a potential conflict and that's what we're going to practice right now.
The secret to staying calm through conflict is to really lean into your body,
Really tune into your body's clues.
The conversation going on between your limbic brain and your prefrontal cortex,
Those things get confusing and they can go on all day,
Confuse you and take you down a rabbit hole of emotionality that doesn't help you stay calm.
But your body will always be centered and it will give you signals as to what you're feeling and how to manage it.
So let's practice.
So right now take a moment and just relax,
Just clear your mind,
Don't think about any potential conflict,
That in itself is a practice.
Just relax,
Tune in to your breathing and feel how your breathing is becoming more steady,
Maybe consciously deepen it a little and let yourself settle in.
Now do a scan of what your body is feeling.
Do you notice any places of tightness?
Do you notice any areas where you are braced?
Perhaps your thighs are tight,
Maybe your shoulders.
What about your belly and your solar plexus?
How about your neck?
What are your hands doing?
Just let all them go,
Just relax.
Make the conscious choice to have those muscles,
Just relax.
Now I want you to take 10 deep breaths.
Good.
Now I want you to think about something that you might fear will cause conflict.
Just bring a situation to mind.
It doesn't have to be anything dramatic,
It could be a disagreement you had with your spouse or it could be some project you're dreading working on at work.
Just bring it to mind and notice where you feel it in your body.
What just changed?
Did your heart rate get a little faster?
Did you curl your toes under?
Did your mouth go dry?
It could be any of those things or none of those things and completely different things.
Just notice.
These are clues that there is an emotional reaction going on that has nothing to do with where you are right now.
You are safe.
You are not in any danger and you are not actually having a conflict right now.
You're merely thinking about it.
Notice these bodies,
Your body's cues and now lean into them.
Don't try to avoid them.
Don't try to calm your breathing.
If one of the things you felt was increased breathing or panting,
Please do more of that.
Lean into it.
If what you felt was a tightening in your shoulders,
Hunch your shoulders up to your neck.
Really feel it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said what we resist persists and when we try to resist these physical cues,
We make them worse.
If part of your conflict reaction was to want to cry,
Then cry.
Don't stifle it.
Let it go.
Really feel into this.
It should take you about 90 seconds to have the cycle go all the way through your body.
And now as you notice the cycle starting to subside,
You start to feel like you are on the downhill side of the emotionality.
Begin to deepen your breathing.
If you're not ready yet,
Don't do it.
Keep your shallow breaths if that's what you still need.
But if you can,
Start to deepen your breathing.
Go back to your relaxed state.
Scan your body and let go of any tension you feel in any of your muscles or organs or joints.
And now as you do that,
Just be in the calm.
So the next time you have to face a situation that you are afraid will bring conflict,
Practice feeling what you're going to feel beforehand.
Practice allowing your body to go through the cycle so that you recognize it when it comes up.
And then stay with it when it comes up.
And always go back to the breath.
When you practice this before you have to have a conflict situation or when you're afraid you might have a conflict situation,
You will increase your confidence to know that you can handle the conflict without losing control of your emotions or yourself.
And you can always come back to your breath.
Thank you for practicing this.
Keep practicing and namaste.
