Instrumental is your need to invite into your life all of the opportunities for growth and transformation.
If you continue to resist honest feedback.
And the persistent pleas from loved ones as they point out behaviors that are not kind nor loving.
You've deliberately snubbed what can be countless opportunities to do better,
To be kinder,
More humble,
Patient,
And of course,
Loving.
You can learn to give up your ego's need to be defensive,
To be right,
To point the finger outwardly rather than at yourself,
And all to which give you greater presence in revealing what is important,
What you are learning and discovering,
And what others are observing,
That in their honest feedback can help you.
I see this with my couple clients,
Where one member of the couple is giving honest feedback,
And usually what they need of their partner in order to feel safe,
Heard,
Loved,
Needed.
It's when we ignore the signs and the requests for careful observing of ourself.
It's when we remain mired in our staunch beliefs and stubborn tendencies that we overlook completely the hurt we've caused,
The indifference we portray,
The disrespect that continues to happen when we behave in ways that are unkind,
And as we create the walls that keep others out.
And keep ourselves from venturing beyond what our ego mind has projected.
Remember,
These are missed opportunities to have closer,
More intimate conversation,
Connection,
Harmony,
Care,
And love in your life and with those you love.
Patterns of conflict,
Inappropriate and unkind behaviors that repeat.
An inability to acknowledge your mistakes,
And a certain unwillingness to change,
Needing to prove that you are always right and others are wrong,
Shuts down the conversations and the truthfulness that could help you know yourself better.
And more importantly,
Create the changes that make you happier with yourself and your life,
Because you are learning to be more self-accountable,
More self-responsible,
Responsible for your mistakes and your lack of self-awareness.
Having a lack of self-responsibility indicates an unbalanced ego,
As is the need to blame others rather than examine your actions and inner narratives for the flaws that create unnecessary conflict and hurts.
Someone that consistently needs to win every argument,
And the fact that they need to argue.
Raise their voice,
Discount what someone else is saying,
All suggest that they are caught up in their own internal biases and self-importance.
Living with an unbalanced ego is a dangerous formula for you actually make it harder for people to like you,
To trust you,
To open up to you.
The psychological term unbalanced ego typically manifests in two specific ways.
An inflated ego that is too high,
Or a fragile ego,
One that is too low or defensive.
There are typical traits of an inflated ego,
That is,
An exaggerated or overly dominant sense of self,
Having extreme pride and ignorance,
Having obsessive self-absorption and disregard for others.
Having an excessive need for admiration coupled with a lack of empathy.
These are narcissistic tendencies.
Having a defense mechanism where what's called superiority complex,
That is a defense mechanism where a person overcompensates for feelings of inferiority by acting superior.
And certain characteristics,
That is entitlement,
Resistance to feedback.
And taking all of the credit.
Let's look at the fragile ego as a contrast.
This shows up as a delicate sense of self-worth that is easily bruised or threatened,
An insecure ego that is being dependent on constant external validation,
An inferiority complex that is overwhelming feelings of inadequacy compared to others.
Being highly sensitive to criticism,
Judgment,
Or failure,
And the characteristics of defensiveness,
Hypersensitivity,
And solve doubt.
Traditionally in psychology,
The ego is explained as what helps you in daily life.
It supports your ability to A,
Adapt to your environment,
B,
Regulate your emotions,
And C,
To feel like yourself,
Assuming you know yourself well.
This approach builds on Sigmund Freud's original theory,
Which described a balance between unconscious desires,
That is the id,
And conscious morality.
Otherwise known as the superego.
In psychology,
We built on those initial ideas showing how your ego can help you stay strong and resilient as you deal with life's challenges.
The functions of the ego are to help you manage daily life by keeping your thoughts,
Feelings,
And behaviors in a good balance or check,
And your ego plays several key roles.
Let me go through them here with you.
First,
Telling the difference between your thoughts and the world around you,
What's called reality testing.
Second,
The function of the ego is to help you have good judgment,
That is to think through consequences before acting.
Third,
Regulation or self-regulation,
Which is managing intense emotions or impulses in a healthy way.
Fourth,
To support mature,
Honest and healthy interactions with others so that you have healthy fluid,
Loving relationships in your life.
Fifth,
The ego's function is to help as you use memory,
Logic,
And focus to think clearly.
And finally,
The ego's function is to help you cope with stress or negative thoughts,
What's called defensive functioning.
You can think of the ego like a scale with two weights.
I find this to be so helpful.
One on the left is your id,
Your impulsive self.
Side,
And on the right,
The superego,
Your moral compass.
The ego's job is to balance these two.
Most of the time,
This balancing act happens automatically.
You're not even consciously thinking about it.
And you can tell when you have a balanced ego because you will experience the following.
Being accepting of your flaws.
Being adaptable to change,
Being empathetic,
Being focused,
Being humble,
Being open to criticism,
Being self-aware.
And being resilient.
The off-balance ego symptoms,
In contrast,
Cause you to feel disconnected or withdrawn,
Focused on the approval from others.
You might be overly self-critical or other-critical.
You may feel emotionally unstable,
That is,
Having unpredictable and sudden mood swings.
You may be defensive or unable to handle rejection,
Self-centered,
And this sense of being superior to others.
In psychology,
We often link these ego imbalances to mental health conditions.
This could include personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder,
Mood disorders like depression and anxiety,
And also having low self-esteem,
Poor self-worth,
And a poor concept of self.
Let's talk for a moment about what I see a lot in my work with clients,
And that is ego defense mechanisms.
Defense mechanisms are really the way your mind protects you from stress or hurt or pain without you even knowing it.
Sigmund Freud's daughter,
Anna Freud,
Identified 10 common types of ego defense mechanisms.
I want to go through them here with you.
As we do,
Pay notice to whether you've experienced any of these yourself.
First,
Regression.
That is,
Reverting to childlike behavior or emotions,
Such as an adult raging,
Which is really a childlike sense of throwing a temper tantrum.
Second,
What's called reaction formation,
It's acting the opposite of how you really feel,
That is,
Being nice to someone you disagree with.
Third,
Isolation.
Separating thoughts from emotions,
That is,
Talking about grief without actually showing emotions of grief.
The fourth ego defense mechanism,
It's called undoing.
That is trying to cancel out something bad with something good.
For example,
Giving compliments after thinking a negative thought about someone.
Fifth,
Repression.
This is pushing painful memories out of your mind,
Such as forgetting an embarrassing childhood experience.
Sixth,
Projection.
This is displacing your negative feelings on someone else.
For example,
Accusing someone else of feeling angry when you're actually angry.
Number seven,
What's called introjection.
This is taking on other people's traits as your own.
For example,
Repeating negative criticism that you learned from your parents.
Number eight,
Turning against the self.
This is pointing negativity toward yourself.
That is,
Taking the blame when it isn't your fault.
Number nine,
Reversal.
This is doing the opposite of what's expected in order to cope with stress.
For example,
Laughing during a very tense or heated conversation.
And number 10,
Sublimation.
Putting impulsive energy into socially acceptable behaviors.
For example,
Channeling pent up anger or stress from a breakup into an intense workout or a major home renovation project.
Originally,
Theorists saw these as ways that the ego protected itself from the id's urges.
Today in psychology,
We view these ego defense mechanisms as natural coping tools that help you adapt to stress.
Recognizing defense mechanisms also help you better understand how your thoughts influence your actions.
So the pivotal question here is how do I improve my ego?
If you've reflected upon any of the 10 ego defense mechanisms I just listed,
Or you see yourself as at times having an unbalanced ego.
How do you improve it?
Because ego imbalances affect your mental health.
And certainly you may want to talk to a professional like myself to help you understand what's causing your symptoms.
Certainly psychotherapy is a highly effective and widely used treatment option for improving ego,
For strengthening your ego in healthy ways.
Through psychotherapy,
You'll learn about adjusting unhealthy thoughts,
Emotions,
And behaviors,
Using such strategies as cognitive restructuring,
That is,
Framing negative thoughts into more helpful and positive ones,
And behavioral changes,
That is practicing healthier ways to cope with stress and certainly let go of bad habits.
You may not think about your ego in everyday waking moments,
But it's always working in the background.
In a healthy,
Balanced state,
Your ego keeps you grounded.
It helps you make smart choices.
It helps you feel in control and resilient in your life.
And when it's in balance,
You can manage emotions,
Maintain healthy relationships,
And feel confident in who you are.
Sometimes,
However things may feel off,
You may find yourself being overly self-critical,
Or having trouble managing stress.
And these are moments when if you reflect on your ego defense mechanisms,
What's happening,
It may be helpful for you to talk to someone in order to develop what I call ego strengths,
That is ways of managing the unbalanced ego and learning new tools and practices for you to thrive,
To overcome stressors more easily,
To feel happier in your life,
In general,
And of course to feel more empowered and confident and free.
If you would like my help,
Please do reach out to me.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonori Chuno.
Namaste.
