Today,
I want to share something that I am actually working through myself.
Someone once said,
We teach what we most need to learn,
And today's conversation definitely falls into that category.
I have been coming to a cold hard truth about myself.
I really struggle with letting people close to me be whoever they're going to be.
And do whatever they're going to do.
I have been spending the day with somebody that I love,
Someone close to me,
And in the middle of our conversation,
You know,
One of those conversations where the other person is going to do what they're going to do,
Regardless of what I say,
My thinking brain knew that.
I could clearly see it,
And yet I could not stop myself from trying to fix it.
Putting that in quotes,
Fix the problem.
I kept turning it over in my head,
Looking for new angles,
Looking for new words,
Looking for new ways to explain that it might finally land differently.
I was holding on to that situation so tightly,
Convinced that if I just thought about it hard enough or long enough from a different angle,
I could change the outcome.
I couldn't.
And the hard truth is,
It's never mind to change.
This person that I'm talking about.
Is an adult.
They're intelligent,
Logical,
Capable.
Their choices and their consequences that follow are all their own.
The funny thing is,
I'd even been repeating a little phrase to myself lately.
Let them.
Just let them.
Let them be who they are.
Let them make their choices.
I'd say it to myself quietly like a mantra.
And then here I was completely ignoring it.
Working tirelessly to influence,
Negotiate,
Change this person's mind.
Saying let them,
Let go,
And all the variations and not meaning a single one of those.
And then I had to get honest with myself because it really wasn't about them at all.
It was all about me.
I was afraid of their choices and that those choices would affect me.
And I had wrapped all of that fear up in a nice,
Neat little box of arguments about their well-being.
And the moment that I saw that clearly,
Something shifted.
I took a breath.
My shoulders dropped a little bit.
I changed the subject,
And I actually meant it this time.
Here's what I've come to understand about the things that we cannot control.
We don't hold on to them because we're stubborn.
Or because we don't know any better.
We hold onto them because letting go feels like we're giving up.
Like we've decided the outcome doesn't matter anymore.
Like we have stopped caring.
But that's not what letting go is.
Letting go is just deciding that you're a grip on something.
You can't change isn't helping anybody.
Not you,
Not the situation.
The thing is still there.
You still care about it.
You just stopped white-knuckling it.
Think about a clenched fist when you hold on to something tight long enough Your hand forgets it's even closed.
The tension becomes so normal,
The grip becomes such a baseline for you.
You stop noticing even what you're doing.
And that's what carrying something uncontrollable does over time.
It stops feeling like a choice and it just feels like how things are.
So today we're going to notice what we've been holding on to and we're going to practice to slowly open up our hand.
And this is a metaphor for the stories that we tell ourselves that we have to hold on tightly.
So I want you to do something with me right now.
Gently make a fist,
Whichever hand feels the most natural.
Close it and hold it that way for a couple seconds.
Begin to notice the tension.
I'm not saying hold on until it's painful.
Just notice the tension.
Slight tightening across your knuckles.
The way your whole arm engages just a little bit when your hand is closed.
Now bring to mind whatever it is you're holding on to.
The situation,
The person,
The outcome you can't guarantee.
Just let that come roll through your mind.
And notice where you feel it in your body.
Your shoulders,
Your chest,
Maybe your jaw.
That's the grip.
That's what we're working with today.
Now don't open your hand yet,
Just keep it closed.
Here's what the grip is costing you.
When you're holding on to something so tightly,
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Holding on tightly,
Your brain is using real energy to maintain that hold.
Energy that isn't going anywhere.
Not into your relationship,
Not into your work,
Not into things you actually can do something about.
And the sneaky thing about these uncontrollable situations is that holding them tightly never actually helps.
You don't get more control by gripping harder,
You just get more tired.
The outcome doesn't change.
Your shoulders just get a little bit higher.
So the question isn't whether or not you care,
Because of course you do.
The question is whether the grip is doing something useful.
Or whether it's just costing you energy that you really could be spending somewhere else.
So I'm going to go through some affirmations with you.
I call these my just for today affirmations.
And I'll say them twice.
Say them with me,
Either out loud or in your head.
And keep a gentle fist going this whole time.
We'll open it together at the end.
It's just our reminder of how tight we hold onto things.
Just for today.
I release the things I cannot control.
And trust they will find their own way.
Just for today,
I release the things that I cannot control and trust that they will find their own way.
Just for today,
My energy belongs to what I can actually do something about.
Just for today.
My energy belongs to what I can actually do something about.
Just for today.
I trust that letting go is not the same as giving up.
Just for today,
I trust that letting go is not the same as giving up.
Just for today.
I allow the people I love to be exactly who they are.
Just for today.
I allow the people I love to be exactly who they are.
Now go back to that fist that you're still holding on to.
Bring back to mind the thing that you've been holding on to so tight,
The situation,
The person.
The outcome that you've been trying to control.
Just let it be there right there,
Sitting inside your closed hand.
Feel that grip for one more second.
Not all at once,
Just one finger at a time,
Slowly begin to open.
And notice what that feels like,
The tension releasing from your knuckles.
Your hand is getting lighter.
Your arm is softening just slightly.
Notice that.
So as you keep going,
Open up your hand all the way,
Palm facing up,
Fingers all loose and relaxed.
The thing that you were holding is still there,
Didn't disappear.
You still care about it,
But you're not white knuckling it anymore.
You're just letting it rest.
Now I want you to take a breath,
A real one,
Like into your chest and into your shoulders.
Take a deep breath in.
And blow it out.
And begin to notice,
Is anything different?
Did anything shift even slightly?
Maybe your shoulder's dropped.
Maybe your chest feels less tight.
And that's what letting go can feel like.
It's not a big moment or real dramatic.
It's just a hand that remembered to open.
Now take one more breath.
Take a breath in.
And let it out.
And say to yourself quietly.
I am allowed to let go.
And still care and still be okay.
You didn't give up today.
You didn't stop caring.
You didn't let anybody down.
You just decided that for today.
That carrying it so tightly wasn't helping.
You can pick it back up tomorrow if you need to.
That's always your choice.
But right now,
Your hand is open,
Your shoulders are less tight,
You're breathing deeply,
And that's enough.
I'm Dana Mitchell,
And as I close today,
I want to remind us both that we are all a work in progress,
And I really appreciate you being here and working through this with me.
I hope you have a great rest of your day.
