Gently Releasing An Ex With Self-Love

In this talk and exercise Dr Christine Braehler explains how the unfinished emotional business with an ex can weigh us down and prevent us from loving again. In the exercise you are guided to identify what you would have loved to get from your ex but never did and to fully honour those unmet needs with self-compassion. This exercise is intended to gently release the emotional grip on your heart, to heal heartbreak and create space for new love.

Transcript

Releasing ghosts from the past Many of us have accumulated hurt and resentment from past relationships. We cannot brush this pain under the rug and hope it will magically disappear. It will only fester and eventually poison the atmosphere of whatever relationship you find yourself in, Including the relationship you have with yourself. Aspiring to a more mature love for self and your partner means developing compassion for your painful emotions to unburden them. Bypassing this would be naive and dangerous to your mental health. So let's start where many of us tend to sweep things under the rug, At the end of your last significant relationship. Every post-mortem of a failed relationship will try to find a definitive cause of death. Once the cause of death has been determined, It is much easier to put the relationship to rest. Our human minds seek to make sense of events by creating narratives. This meaning-making compulsion helps us cope with complex life events whose myriad of causal and contributing factors simply blow our mind. Breakups are one such complex life event that we often reduce down to simplistic monocausal explanations such as, He just was not ready for a committed relationship yet, She simply is not capable of loving anyone, Or she just used me to feel financially secure and less lonely. Those explanations may well accurately reflect one aspect of the multifactorial cause of death. However, They will rarely capture the many layers of dynamics unfolding over time between two souls who were at one point very much in love and in lust. Simplistic explanations are by nature black and white. It was either more him or more her. They help us cope with the pain by reducing the emotional overwhelm and mental confusion. They direct the blame onto one person whom we can then resent. Resentment helps create distance, And distance is what we want to achieve when we separate from a lover. We even experience disgust towards the ex-lover for what they did to us, Or how they behaved, Or simply as a sign of increasing alienation. Disgust helps us expel and purge the energies of that other person from our system. They are a normal part of some separation processes. If we are still stuck in those emotions long after the relationship is over, Then they prevent us from mourning the loss of the relationship, And thus fully closing the chapter, So that we can start a new one, And from learning our deeper lesson. Ask yourself, Which of your exes is taking up space in your head rent-free? What strong feelings come up when you think about your ex-partners? What is unresolved within you? You might feel resistance to this idea of engaging with your ex or exes. Your inner critic might blame you for how you handled those break-ups, Or how you behaved in the relationship. You might also get pulled back into an old, Unfinished memory, Relive it emotionally, And get sucked into ruminating about it. Why did they do that? What could I have done differently? Why was I so stupid? All of these reactions are normal. However, The more we resist these unmetabolized emotions from a past relationship, The more likely they are to show up in our current relationship, Where they do not belong, Those ghosts from the past will continue to haunt us until we face and release them. Finishing unfinished business with an ex. Start with the relationship furthest in the past. Take a piece of paper and write down what you are still feeling and thinking about your ex, Without censoring yourself. Is it anger? Resentment? Hatred? Outrage? Disbelief? Disappointment? Regret? Sadness? Pity? Envy? Jealousy? Pining? Fear? Hurt? Inadequacy? Or something else? After you have written down whatever is still weighing on your heart or mind, Complete the sentence about the ex-partner you're writing about. I wish he, She had acknowledged the hurt they caused me. Apologize to me. Return the money they owe me. Let me know that I did matter to them. Told me what really went on in their heart and mind. Respected me more. Been able to love me the way I needed to be loved. Given me more attention. Let go of the grudge they hold against me. Thanked me for giving them my love. Made me feel more special. Taken me more seriously. Supported me more. Or whatever else comes to your mind. Move up the timeline if there are other exes who still trigger strong emotions. Let us say that you were broken up with but still cannot grasp why you were dumped. Even though your ex may have given you certain explanations, They do not seem to ring true for you, And the need to know is still haunting you because there is lingering self-doubt. What is wrong with me? How are other people better or more desirable than me? Such shame can hollow out our sense of self, Undermine our trust in our lovability, And take over your new relationship, Where you may seek excessive reassurance. Lingering self-doubt and shame remain with us until you make up your own mind about how lovable you find yourself. The stench of unspoken resentment aimed at past partners can also create a tense atmosphere. Let us assume your ex-partner still owes you money. You might feel lingering resentment about feeling used. If you are discussing a joint investment with your new partner, You are likely to feel resentful again and worry about being used. If you felt disrespected in your need to get ahead in your career by your ex-partner, And this still causes insecurity, Sharing your doubts about your career with your new partner will likely bring up that old pain of disrespect, No matter what your new partner says or does. There are simply no escaping unprocessed emotions. You are carrying them with you wherever you go. The only way to clear that stench is to transform them directly with compassion within yourself. What ghost from the past is your current relationship haunted by? What fears or unresolved pain are you carrying with you that have nothing to do with your present situation or current relationship? What are you unsure of in yourself? Your desirability? Your lovability? Something about your personality, Your looks, Your demeanor? What part of you still needs validation from your ex? If you are in touch with any emotional baggage, Place a hand on your heart or give yourself a hug. Close your eyes if you like. Take a few deep breaths and then feel the natural rhythm of your breathing. Focus on something that you wish any one of your exes had done or said. You can repeat this process for all your open wishes. Imagine that, Like all of us, You have great love and wisdom within you. What would your wise, Compassionate self want to say to you right now to show that it truly understands how you feel? What words would you like to hear that would help you feel understood and accepted for feeling this way and having this need? Or what would you say to a dear friend who felt like you do right now? For instance, You might say, My dear, It is so understandable that you would still want an apology. Feel appreciated, Respected, Honoured, Loved, Heard, Desired, Forgiven. Relationships can be painful. Acknowledge that need in your heart and let yourself feel it. As you are hearing and receiving these words of understanding, Notice how your body, Heart and mind begin to relax. The first step of self-compassion is to acknowledge that you are feeling bad, To allow the feeling to be there, And to offer yourself deep understanding for why it is normal to feel the way that you do. Allow yourself to radically accept whatever feelings show up. In doing so, They can transform and lessen over time. What we feel, We can heal. Write down or say out loud any kind and understanding words you received so that your system feels their soothing effect. It is challenging for any human brain to accept the multitude of conscious and unconscious factors that come together when relationships don't work out. We need explanations to manage the pain in our hearts and bodies. Black and white explanations help us cope by sparing us from having to dive deeper into examining ourselves, The other, The relationship and the context in moments when it is toughest. By offering yourself deep understanding for those unmet needs you still carry in your heart, You are beginning to soften and release them. Just as you don't want to hold a grudge forever, You don't want to be nostalgic forever. See both emotional states as invitations to turn inward, Ask yourself what is needed and return to self-love. To get to the point where we can forgive an ex who has hurt us takes time. We need to go through the messy feeling of numbness, Anger, Possibly revenge fantasies, Pining and eventually letting go by fully mourning the loss. We cannot bypass any feelings. We need to witness all of these human emotions. Forgiveness is the natural outcome of this process of meeting all of these emotions and states within us with great patience and compassion. In my experience, Forgiveness is not a grandiose, Generous gesture of granting it to someone. It is more of a quiet turning away from the past and moving into your new future, Allowing those experiences to become ever more distant memories. If you want to get more support on how to let go of an ex and find a love that lasts, Then you find information on my latest book in my profile. Www. Mooji. Org