Does Self-Compassion Make Us Selfish?

In this 20-minute talk Dr Christine Braehler, Clinical Psychologist and Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Trainer, answers the question by taking into account the latest research and by deepening our understanding of self-compassion practice using examples.
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Marshall, S. L., et al. (2020). JoRiA 30: 472-484.
Poulin, M. J., et al. (2021). PsySc 32(11): 1699-1708.
Yang, Y., et al. (2019). Child Indic Res 12(6): 2035-2049.

Transcript

Hello and welcome.

My name is Dr.

Christine Breyla.

I'm a clinical psychologist and seasoned self-compassion teacher and trainer of teachers,

In particular of the MSc program.

And today I would like to answer this very important question that you probably have,

Which is,

Does self-compassion make us more selfish?

Now I'm glad that it's the year 2022 as opposed to the year 2008 when I started teaching because now we can draw on research that has actually explored this question,

Which didn't exist back then.

What I will do in this talk is I will share with you the key findings from the research and also share from my personal experience and experience of supporting groups and individuals in developing greater self-compassion.

So if you want a full answer to this question,

Please stick with me to the end of this talk.

So what does the research to date say?

Finding number one is that self-compassion has been consistently negatively related to narcissism in questionnaire based studies.

And that makes sense because self-compassion is defined as feeling connected with others and being kind to ourselves in the midst of our struggle.

Whereas vulnerable narcissism is defined partly by feeling painfully isolated from others and judging oneself harshly when struggling.

Now one could criticize these studies for relying on how people rate themselves on a questionnaire and that this doesn't say very much about how the person would actually behave towards others in real life.

And that's a very fair point.

So do people with more self-compassion help others more or are they more generous towards others than people with less self-compassion?

Now this is where it gets interesting.

Self-compassion seems to be related to more of what is called pro-social or helping behavior if the person generally feels trusting of and connected to others.

So self-compassion is just one aspect of what makes us more prone to helping others.

Trust and a sense of connectedness are also key.

And this makes intuitive sense.

If I mistrust someone and feel disconnected I won't feel safe enough to help them.

Another finding supports this idea that self-compassion is one important aspect or tool for us being more likely to help others.

It's well established that most of us help others in distress because we get distressed by another's suffering.

So by stopping another's distress quickly we also stop our empathic distress.

In a way we could argue that this is selfish but this hardwired mechanism quickly propels us into action and therefore works very well in emergencies.

But the downside of this mechanism is that it can lead to burnout in the long term if we're faced with others intense distress on a daily basis.

Now one study has found that self-compassion increases pro-social behavior in a person only if the person uses it to reduce their own personal distress at seeing someone else suffer.

So self-compassion can make us feel less panicky or reactive and instead feel calmer and more grounded and still ready to help.

Other studies have also shown that when we use self-compassion to tend to this personal distress or empathic pain that arises within us when we see someone else suffer that we are better able to put ourselves into their shoes making us more helpful to the other person.

We're better able to know what the other person may actually need or want instead of predicting our own needs and wants and being insensitive.

Again our threat system work great in emergency situations where we need to call an ambulance or provide first aid.

Self-compassion seems to be important in situations with less urgency where we need to support a friend,

A partner,

A child in need over a longer period of time.

In these situations giving compassion to ourselves to soothe that empathy pain helps us to get into a state of more sustainable wisdom and compassion which hopefully gives us energy and does not drain us.

So in summary the research to date suggests that it seems safe to say that self-compassion does not make us narcissistic and in fact is related to more helping behavior if we trust,

Feel connected and use it to reduce our empathy pain.

Of course these findings don't exclude the possibility of some people becoming more selfish as a very revealing finding by Poulin and colleagues from 2021 showed.

They examined people who were trained in mindfulness meditation so not in self-compassion.

What they found was that mindfulness meditation did increase pro-social behavior in some but decreased it in others.

Now you can take a moment to guess what the difference may have been between those two groups.

In these basic foundational mindfulness practices you learn to focus your attention on what goes on in your mind and on your body and on your breath.

So the participants who felt themselves to be interdependent i.

E.

To view themselves as part of the world and to feel connected with the world and the people around them showed greater pro-social behavior whereas the participants who saw themselves as independent of others and the world showed reduced pro-social behavior.

In other words if you view yourself as less connected to others then mindfulness may help you to foster those self-focused goals and if you view yourself as connected to others you're more likely to have goals that include others' well-being.

Interestingly how one viewed oneself as either interdependent or independent could be changed by an experimental prime.

So if we prompt ourselves to see ourselves as interconnected when we meditate we're more likely to help others once we get off the cushion.

So what does that tell us about whether self-compassion can make us selfish or not?

Whatever kind of contemplative or introspective technique we practice it all seems to depend on our personal motivation.

Do I want to do this to develop greater kindness to all including to myself or simply to out-compete others and on our personal values?

Do I care about others or not?

Any technique whether it is a particular kind of mindfulness meditation or self-compassion exercise can be used or abused so it is up to us to practice any of these with a sound personal intention in our hearts,

Our own personal values and ethics.

You could say to yourself I want to take care of my needs so that I can take better care of my loved ones without feeling exhausted or frustrated or I want to be a good friend to myself so that I can be a good friend to others and attract good friends into my life.

Many of you may have such a personal value of connectedness and care yet you may still worry that others will call you selfish if you were taking better care of yourself.

So I invite you to ask yourself what are you afraid of happening to you if you were in fact kinder to yourself?

What bad thing are you afraid of happening to you?

Now usually we are afraid of important people in our lives seeing us negatively,

Liking us less or even rejecting and abandoning us.

The prospect of being rejected or abandoned by key people in our lives puts us on high alert because as social animals we need to feel connected and to feel safe and need to be seen as worthy and lovable by others otherwise we feel shamed and lonely.

You might want to write down these key people in your life whose rejection or judgement you fear the most if you were to actually take better care of your needs and boundaries.

What often happens is that we realise that the relationship with that person is in fact imbalanced.

We fear being rejected for focusing more on ourselves because the relationship only works because we do not focus on our needs but instead on the needs of the other or others.

In such a scenario the demands of the joint situation may simply be too great such as in a family with small children or one person may in fact be more on the selfish side and dislike us for no longer meeting their needs in the same way.

If that is the case in your life you might in fact be faced with the person disapproving of you taking greater responsibility for your own needs and you may need to examine and renegotiate your status in this relationship.

If you know yourself to have a tendency to neglect your own emotions,

Needs and boundaries and to prioritise those of others around you or if you know that you have highly responsible caretaker parts which developed to ensure that you were appreciated by and felt connected to key people in your childhood then you are likely to experience this concern intensely.

Yet you more than anyone could benefit from acknowledging your needs and boundaries and taking charge of meeting them or having them be met.

For you self-compassion would involve noticing and tending to your own needs and developing the courage to ask for help and support from others instead of trying to do it all yourself.

And by providing for your needs and opening your heart to yourself you will get a chance to meet and transform any fears of rejection,

Abandonment,

Shame and loneliness with compassion and you will feel more deeply and lovingly connected to yourself and to others.

But don't take my word for it,

Instead please try it out for yourself.

The person you are thinking of may indeed say what you dread to hear which is,

God you're so selfish and then you can take your power back and ask yourself,

Is that so?

Do I care less or more for others if I take some time out for me?

Do I feel energized or exhausted by caring for others if I take some time out for me?

Find your own answer to that question and don't make your happiness depend on a single judgment by one person who may not have your best interests at heart.

Or the person may say to you,

Good on you for taking better care of yourself.

Finally I was actually getting worried about you but I didn't want to hurt your pride.

Others may appreciate your sense of accountability that comes with knowing yourself better,

Knowing what you need and want and don't want and will appreciate you as being a mature partner in a relationship.

Cindy was a stay at home mum with three young kids.

She prided herself on being a great mum and wife.

Her husband worked full time and felt that they had a great division of labour that allowed each one of them to focus on their tasks.

Cindy was ashamed to admit to anyone that she was in fact getting more and more exhausted and in need of a break from the chores and the childcare.

After listening to some brief self compassion exercises online she felt more energized but also came to the realization that she really needed a babysitter for a couple of hours a week to rest and tend to her own needs.

She was frightened to tell her husband for fear that he would judge her as being selfish.

When she did ask him out of sheer exhaustion and feeling still very anxious he didn't say,

Oh honey of course I understand that you need some time off for yourself.

Looking after the kids leaves you with no time for yourself.

He also did not say,

Goodness you're so selfish.

Instead he said that he also felt run down and increasingly unhappy and if he had the time he would also want some quality time for himself and for them as a couple.

Them being honest and mature about their needs and limits allowed them to adjust the demands and expectations and to enjoy their life more.

So self compassion can make us more accountable and mature in relationships.

You may not resonate with this example so let me give you another tip for how to ensure that self compassion will not lead to selfishness and that is practice it properly.

What does practicing properly mean?

Self compassion means opening to our pain,

Feeling it and assisting ourselves in the wisest and kindest way possible to alleviate the pain or to make it more bearable.

It also means feeling connected to others in the midst of the suffering,

Knowing and being comforted by the fact that all living beings experience suffering and that life is imperfect.

Does that sound selfish to you?

To me it doesn't.

To me it sounds courageous and deep as opposed to cowardly and shallow which many misconstrue self compassion as.

Images of bubble baths and treating yourself to some retail therapy add to this misunderstanding.

No wonder that the simplistic portrayal leads to many worrying that self compassion leads to everyone becoming wonderfully self absorbed and whilst blissfully soaking in their bubble bath the world around them is falling apart because no one feels responsible for the greater good.

The best example to illustrate this is by explaining how self compassion can be a lifeline during moments of paralyzing shame and insecurity.

Clara seems perfectly put together on the outside.

All smiles and happiness.

Despite a good job,

Friends,

Family and partner she wakes up feeling stressed and guilty every day.

Underneath is a chronic sense of not being good enough and this fear of not living up to her and other's standards.

It's relentless and embarrassing as no one would believe her if she told them.

On social media she sees tips for self love and self care which she tries to help her relax and unwind.

She invests in rituals to practice at home from meditation cushions to bath salts and the right outfit to go along with it.

Yet it all just feels like a nice cosy blanket that feels good for an hour or so but does not shift any of the underlying stress.

Clara eventually seeks out therapy in secret as she's afraid that people around her would judge this as unnecessary navel gazing.

In her own head she hears her parents say,

Your life is perfect,

Don't be ungrateful by nitpicking,

Be grateful for what you've got.

The therapist asks her to turn towards that stress and feel it in her body and open to it,

Meaning to allow it to be there just for a moment instead of wanting it to disappear and thus making it worse.

When she allows the stress to be there it reveals this big fear of being rejected by others if she wasn't good enough and a firm belief that she's stupid and incompetent.

The therapist helps her to develop a more benevolent way of looking at this deep seated sense of shame and over time Clara develops a sense of her being okay and good enough through the eyes of her compassionate self.

The shame is still there but it no longer causes her as much stress.

Her therapist shares with her her own fears of being stupid despite the many degrees she has on the wall,

Which shatters Clara's painful sense of isolation.

Clara was very brave and open up about her vulnerabilities and took responsibility for her well-being by seeking professional help where she learned self-compassion for her shame.

People who have narcissistic tendencies usually need them to compensate their feelings of shame and insecurity by looking down on others or by manipulating or domineering others or by being super charming and seductive.

They want to avoid feeling that shame and pain underneath at all costs which is why they've built these powerful walls of defense.

In other words if self-compassion is practiced properly it always starts with opening to our human vulnerability,

Fallibility and feeling that pain.

A person with a functioning narcissistic compensation never admits fault and instead blames others and inflicts pain on others to not feel their own pain.

Some may fake vulnerability to evoke someone else's sympathy and compassion which feels very different from someone talking authentically about their vulnerability.

If someone fakes vulnerability to manipulate they come across childlike,

Immature and you might have the feeling that you want to rescue them.

If someone talks authentically about their vulnerability however you might feel that rawness yet you still feel that they can hold themselves and this pain,

That they're accountable and that they're taking charge of their emotions and needs.

You won't have that impulse to rescue them but you may simply feel deep respect for their courage.

Now we could come to the conclusion that ok self-compassion does not make us more selfish if practiced properly,

In fact it might help us to be more mature in relationships and may also help us to tend to our empathic pain so we can help others without burning out.

But still is it really necessary?

Do we really need it?

Or is it just a fad?

And that's a very valid question.

What if neither Cindy nor Clara had taken charge of their emotions and needs out of fear that others would say that they're selfish?

Their painful emotions would have built up and built up.

Emotions cannot be avoided or successfully suppressed over a long period of time.

They want to rise up and be felt.

They need to be metabolised by feeling them and then eventually they disappear.

Us avoiding them in the name of not burdening others or keeping a brave face won't serve anyone in the long term.

If Cindy had suppressed her exhaustion in the long run she may have developed clinical depression by losing joy,

Drive and her will to live.

Or she may have grown increasingly resentful of her husband and the kids and caused constant arguing and eventually a separation,

Thus negatively impacting the whole family.

Clara may have eventually developed disabling panic attacks that would have stopped her from going into work or accomplishing any task.

Out of shame and fear of being judged she would have isolated herself even more from family and friends,

Triggering a vicious cycle.

All of her energy would have focused on herself and what she and what others think of her.

She would have been deeply self-absorbed as is normal when we suffer from anxiety or depression.

There is no space anymore to consider others or what they might need as all working memory is taken up by us.

Self-compassion can free some space by us learning to reassure and encourage ourselves when we feel insecure,

To comfort ourselves when we feel sad,

To calm ourselves when we feel anxious and to love ourselves when we feel unlovable.

And needless to say that even the most kind therapist wants any client to develop a kind and wise relationship to themselves so that they can be their own best therapist in the long term.

So no,

Self-compassion,

At least in my view and experience,

Is not luxury but an essential life skill.

Based on my experience I would say if everyone were to give themselves compassion when they needed it the most,

Instead of neglecting or abusing themselves,

Everyone would be taken care of.

And we would each be able to willingly and generously give to each other,

Not to be seen as a good person but because our cup has been filled and it would naturally overflow.

And in the end we no longer need self-compassion because it is only a means to an end and that is to compassion for those we encounter who need it,

Including ourselves.

I hope this helped you to find your own answer to this question.

Take care and thanks for listening.

Reviews

Although I knew the answer before 😉, I found a lot of insight for myself. Thank you.

PS: Is there a version in German?

⭐️🧡⭐️