Fading Before Dawn: Part 2 - Hushed

Content warning. This recording discusses emotional distress, postnatal depression, and experiences of feeling dismissed or unheard. Please take care of yourself while listening. In this reflection, I share my experiences of having my pain dismissed, my concerns overlooked, and my voice silenced during some of the most vulnerable moments of my life. I explore how repeatedly being unheard can gradually erode our confidence, leaving us questioning our own instincts, doubting our feelings, and learning to stay quiet even when something inside us is telling us that things aren't right.
Through my own experiences of physical pain, motherhood and mental illness, I reflect on what happens when we begin to trust other people's judgement more than our own, and how profoundly healing it can feel when somebody finally listens, believes us and makes us feel that our voice matters.

Transcript

Chapter 2 Pushed. To be silent. Our journeys come and our journeys go. Like each season, There is a beginning and an end. Will you get to your end and wish you'd done your journey differently? Will you feel happy and fulfilled with your lot? Will you regret anything? Wish you could do it again or have taken a different path. As humans, We carry so much pressure from the expectations of others and those we have collected for ourselves. When in life we don't perform the way we're expected to, The repercussions come in the forms of learned self-punishment. Which is made to feel like it's come from ourselves. Yet you wouldn't naturally choose to self-punish. Unfortunately. We've learned that if we're not good enough. . . Will be punished by others anyway. So we might as well perform the punishment ourselves. In doing so, We harm our own minds. We think the acceptable response to not having our life sorted is self-sabotage. Because we haven't tried hard enough. And we aren't enough. What is a sorted out life anyway? And who has one? I'm yet to meet anyone. There we shut down. And become suppressed about our worries. We retreat. And our inner self is hushed. Emotions we don't like appear. Festering within us is anger, Guilt, Regret and sadness. These feelings are big and uncomfortable. Sometimes we don't know what to do with them because no one ever taught us. We put up with never feeling enough. And the search for being enough never ends. We put up with people making us feel unworthy. And so we become silent. We keep quiet. We don't tell them that they hurt our feelings, In case we hurt theirs. Some tell us that. It's all in our heads. And that we imagined what we felt. But we know the truth. In a voice, Hush… Quote. I was quiet, But I was not blind. Jane Austen Are they your expectations? What do you expect from you? And when you read that question, Do you go to the expectations that those around you have? All that society have given you. Or do you know that those expectations are genuinely coming from you? Take deep breath. I must work hard. I must keep a show home standard house. I must make sure my children are happier than I ever was. I must earn enough money to pay the mortgage, The bills, Buy food, Clothes, Cosmetics and essentials. Deep breath. I must also put plenty of savings away so that when I retire, I don't slip into poverty. I must have a happy relationship, Check on my family daily even when they don't check on me. I must be slim and healthy. I must avoid illness because even when I'm unwell I still have to continue with all of this. I mustn't buy convenience food because I should still have time to cook a fresh meal from scratch after working all the hours in the day just so I can put the lights and heating on so I don't have to freeze or starve to death. Biggest breath. I must keep up a good social life, Have lots of friends, Have fun things to talk about, Go on holidays several times a year and keep up with the world's news. I must be happy, Show gratitude, Remember not to suffer from mental illness or even look like I do. I must smile when I don't feel like it, So people don't think I'm miserable or unhappy in my life, God forbid, Because I'm so lucky to live in the land of the free. But really, Who's free? Even the people who think they're free are not. We are bound, And it's exhausting. But that's only a fraction of our expectations and experience, Isn't it? There is all the rest, Too. So what are your expectations for you? The real ones. The ones that matter in your world. And remember, You don't need me to tell you what they are or what you should want. You already know. They are what make you feel good. In your world. Trust yourself. Ask. Intuition. The ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning. Oxford Dictionary Find your voice. Over the years, We've learned to ignore our own intuition. We disconnect from ourselves to accommodate other people's thoughts, Needs and wants. We listen to other people's ideas and their answers to life and its problems. Everyone seems to have our answers, Don't they? But do they really? And have they worked for you? We invest in these new ways and implement what we're taught. Yet each time we do and it doesn't work, We step further away from ourselves. Be more positive, They say. If you think negatively, You'll bring upon yourself negative things. So we push down our internal thoughts and spend time trying to achieve their level of happiness and fulfilment. We want a piece of their life and the way they live. We too want to feel like life is on our side. And that we too can have whatever we want. We then set out on the search for our purpose. Encouraged to make it big and make it matter. In truth, You never see what's going on behind closed doors. We watch an elevated reality of life. Often a feeling presented as a reality. That sometimes is unreachable. Even for the ones we're watching. Sadly, Some of the people shouldn't be telling you what to do, Because it's not their reality either. Some have been imprisoned and fined. Some people have even died following their advice. People have been banned from giving financial advice after losing people's money. Some have even turned against their supportive loved ones once they have died, Saying they brought the illness upon themselves with their negative thoughts. It can be an expensive journey, Not only financially, But also emotionally. Taking advantage of people searching for themselves in a world full of wolves in cashmere coats is wrong. There is no price tag upon you. You will only find your happiness within you and when you are true to yourself. You don't have to spend thousands of pounds searching for who you are. You and your life are already priceless. Look closer. You could have everything you want. But not see that it's there. Because we're made to believe we should have more and more. And that we are never enough. I see people run ragged. They're working, They've got the school pick up, Kids clubs, Parties, Social events, Groups and financial commitments. And the first thing they say to me is how busy they are and how they're running around like headless chickens. And if you are one of those people who feel you need to be busy all the time. You don't. You don't need to prove to anyone that you're worthy of your place on earth. You don't need to prove to anyone that you're wanted and needed. Because you already are. You're here. You're worthy of this place. You own it. You most definitely don't have to be run ragged to prove it. You can slow down. And you can reflect on what you want to do for yourself and what matters to you. You're not going to die and wish you'd been busier and less focused on yourself and what you love. But you will die, Regretting not living. A wish. I often wonder if the outside world will ever tell us that we are enough. Will they ever tell us that we're worthy? Will they ever tell us to slow down and enjoy life? I doubt it. And once you're dead, You're dead. There is no coming back from that. They won't tell us we're enough because that doesn't create money, Power or popularity. I know as well. You don't have to tell me that money is important. I'm aware of that. But what have we all become? We're all busy, Overworked, Underpaid and unappreciated. And the world still isn't working. But you can. You can watch. You can give yourself a chance. And bring yourself back to find the you. That you really are within. Stop numbing your own reality for someone else's. It's time to start seeing what is within and what's right in front of you. What is it? What's around you. What do you have? Do you love it? Do you want more or less? Do you wish you had more time with your children, Friends and family? Make it then. Stop coming up with excuses and make the time. You won't regret it, But you will regret not doing it. You'll lay on your deathbed and you'll regret it all. People think they're rich when their bank account is full. But that's not richness. Being rich is having time. Time is the most valuable commodity you'll ever have. You can never make more. You get what Earth offers you. When you're born, Your own personal countdown of time begins immediately. Is never coming back to you. And although each day you are given a fresh start, Life is still counting down. When your time is gone, It's gone. No amount of money can ever change that, Or buy you more. Some things are not worth your time, And some things are. Spend it wisely. Quote. You may lose the people you love. You may lose the things you have. But whatever happens. Never lose yourself. Unknown. Listen to your instincts. With so many people for the whole of their lives giving us advice and influencing us, Many of whom lack life experience and credentials, We forget who we are, Don't we? We forget that we can trust ourselves. I've spent 40 years on this earth believing that everyone knows me better than I do. In the end I realised it was all a load of rubbish. What was right for them was definitely not right for me. But how have I come to this conclusion, I hear you say? It didn't work. We should all be careful before allowing others to impose their ideas of what they think we should want and do onto us. Because when you don't achieve what they want us to, It has nothing to do with them. It's us. We obviously didn't want it enough. We're made to think and feel like we've been doing it all wrong and it's our fault. Not that their systems or ideas are flawed. Just because it worked for them most definitely doesn't mean it will work for us. Somewhere, Along the way, It's been forgotten that we're all so different. And isn't that what makes nature beautiful? We're all so special and individual. We've all got different ideas and thoughts and they should be embraced instead of shamed and shut down. Can you even begin to imagine a world where we celebrated? Where being ourselves is enough. Where our thoughts are heard, Where our interests are encouraged, And where self-love is ours for the whole of our lives. What would the world look like if we started with self-love and care? What if we began working on the outside, Only, When within, We felt worthy? I regret many, Many things about how issues in my life have been dealt with. I don't think I've ever stood up for myself enough. I've never felt strong enough. And I've let people over the years make me feel useless. I've just accepted it and not said a thing. I've cried in private and tried to forgive them because I thought they knew better than me. Because who am I? I've avoided confrontation and standing up for myself so that I'm not seen as stupid, Ignored or laughed at. I'd push it down, And then it would all come out in an angry outburst of built-up frustration. Tears would pour uncontrollably, And I'd get my words mixed up. I've smiled and agreed with people through gritted teeth, Giving unrealistic responses. And it had to stop. So I've been practicing not allowing myself to feel belittled by those I don't agree with. I've been practicing standing up for myself and for what I believe in. It's a challenge because this is a lifelong default for me, And I'm definitely not perfect at it. I am and always will be, For the rest of my life, A work in progress on every level. But I have started fighting my corner, My way. It's not loud, Angry or teary. It's not through fake smiles and agreements. I either speak up and say that I don't agree with what they say and that it's not acceptable to speak to me or someone else that way. Or I let go, Either of the scenario or the person themselves. When I've not been willing to let people hurt me or behave in a certain way that doesn't align with myself. I've allowed people, Thoughts and things to just fade away. But in my time, It's not always easy, But it's always necessary. I have to own my worth, And I cannot own it when I feel that others see me as worthless. And I'm not saying that my way is universally correct because not everyone will agree. But for now, I'm trying this whole life thing and standing up for myself. My way, For now, Is working. As much as I'd love you to learn from my mistakes, I guess sometimes we have to learn from our own. But don't let people make you feel like what you think and know is wrong, Especially when it's your body and your life. We all need help and guidance. But there is a limit to what helps and what hinders. You know deep down what's right for you. So listen to whom and when you need to reach out and to who and what you let go of. Won't. As soon as you trust yourself, You will know how to live. Johan Wolfgang von Goethe within yourself. Trust. In 2013, I became pregnant with our first baby. From the start, I felt something was wrong. But because I'd never been pregnant before, I didn't know how I was meant to feel. I went for scans and was told that everything was fine. And who was I to argue with the medical professionals, Especially when all I had was a gut feeling? When I was around 12 to 13 weeks, I started to bleed. I went for a scan but everything with the baby was okay. I had a subchronic hematoma and that's what was causing the bleeding. This wasn't an uncommon issue and I was told it was nothing to worry about. Then sent home. The bleeding eventually stopped. But one day I felt completely emotionally unbalanced. Intense sadness is an understatement. I couldn't stop crying and I knew something was seriously wrong with the baby. I just knew it. When I called the doctors, They said I couldn't have a scan because I wasn't bleeding and they wouldn't scan me for just thinking something was wrong, Which is fair enough. I get that. Everyone told me to stop worrying. I tried, But I just couldn't shift the feeling of tragedy. Another week passed and I started bleeding again. Of course, They'd scan me now. When they did, They discovered that my baby had been dead for a week. My baby had died the very day I knew it had. I was too far gone for any other method apart from giving birth. They couldn't fit me in on that day so I was sent home. I had to go back in two days when they had time to induce me into labour. It was surreal. Being at home with a dead baby in my tummy honestly felt like one of the worst things to happen. Upon reflection, It gave me and my husband Stuart time to read and chat to our baby and tell it how much we loved it. When we went back to the hospital, I was induced and 17 hours later, We had a little girl. We called her Noah. She was taken away to be kept cool and we were told to try and get some sleep. Sleep. I couldn't sleep. Because, A, I'd just given birth to a dead baby. And B, I could hear all the babies that were being born and crying in the other rooms. Of course I could. I was in a labor ward, But my baby had died. The cries were making me feel weird, Like my body knew I'd just given birth but there was no baby. I just wanted to go home and see my little dog Henry and cry for the rest of my life. In the morning, We had a blessing for her with a hospital chaplain. We let her go with a photo of ourselves, A book, A flower, A teddy and words of love. I blamed myself for her death. I must have caused this. I questioned every single thing I'd done, To the point of near insanity. When we finally got her test results back, We discovered that she had something called triploidy. We, You and I, Have 46 chromosomes. She had 69. It wasn't my fault after all. She would never have survived even if she was born alive at full term. Her body was not compatible with this world. All I was left with was the hope that maybe she was sent to put me onto another journey. Another pair. I obviously didn't want to be on another journey. I wanted her and our future together. But that was no longer possible. I felt so empty, So lost. A part of me had just left, A part I thought would never leave until she grew up and moved out. But she was gone. And she was never coming back. I kept having this awful thought about what if they'd made a mistake and she hadn't really died? What if the scam was wrong and she only died when I gave birth to her? What if all of this was just a big mistake? When you go through this kind of trauma, Your mind really does take you to some of the darkest places. When we went home, Stuart and I put the Christmas tree up and said happy birthday, Our sweet angel. As the days passed, I kept thinking that I should be pregnant now. But I wasn't. And I cried for what felt like an eternity. From that moment, It became our tradition that on Noah's birthday, We put the tree up and celebrate her. The following year, Our son Louis arrived. And to this day, We still put the tree up on his big sister's birthday. Louis loves talking about her. We make up how we think she looks now. I think she has mousy brown hair like him, A fringe like me, Brown eyes and pale skin. I used to visualize my granddad holding her, But now she stands on her own. She'd be ten as I write. Louis likes to wonder whether they'd argue or not. And in times of sadness, I remind him that he can always talk to her. She may not respond, But she's always listening. Through my painful journey of baby loss, I learnt a lot. I learnt how many people it happens to. I learned that people don't talk openly about it. I learnt to ask the names of people's babies and talk about them, If they're open to doing so. I learned that no matter what stage you lose a baby at, They are important. That your feelings are all valid. You never just lose a baby. You lose your whole future with them. Their first cry, Their first smile, Buying them clothes, Their first day at school, College, University, Their own children, Their weddings, Their partners, Everything. You'll lose it all. And guess what? You're expected to just get back home with life. But it's just not that simple. Because loss hurts. Each year got easier. Not because I got over losing my baby. But because I learnt to live hand in hand with grief. My grief became a cycle of friendship for me. It was teaching me how to heal. Allow not to push the feelings away. Instead? I learnt to hold hands with them. It taught me that it's okay to hurt. And it's okay to sit in the discomfort of the new feelings. It taught me that it's okay to go through the cycle of pain. And then it's okay. To feel better. I can now see that I had to lose Noah. Because if I hadn't. . . I wouldn't have the knowledge of what loss feels like. I wouldn't know what it feels like to give birth to a baby who is no longer alive. I wouldn't understand the fear that is experienced being pregnant after baby loss. I wouldn't understand the unbearable amount of anxiety you have and the dreaded feeling that it's going to happen again. I wouldn't know what it was like to live with crippling health anxiety and the torment it delivers. I was 30, About to become a new mum, And I was completely lacking in self-trust. Unable to believe that my body would keep my baby alive. I wouldn't know the torment you feel when you finally have the baby you've always dreamt of. But you slip deep and fast into postnatal depression. I wouldn't have the knowledge of what it felt like to feel that I had just failed on every level of my life. I did used to wonder what life would have been like if I'd not become unwell with anxiety, Health anxiety and depression at 30. How would motherhood have looked for me? Would I have been a better mum? Would my business have been better? Would I have more friends or a family who wanted to spend more time with me? That I do not know, Nor will I ever. I did often wonder if I had not already suffered enough losing Noah, But obviously my journey was not over and I still needed to learn something else. When I gave birth to my son. I could barely walk. However, No one believed me. I couldn't stand up properly, My legs didn't work like they used to, And the pain in my back was unbearable. People were telling me, That's just what it's like when you have a baby. And to think about those who'd had C-sections, As they'd had it much worse than me. As I sat there in the ward, I watched new mums come with their babies and leave as happy families. I wasn't allowed to leave because I couldn't feed my son. The pain in my back was so bad it stopped me producing any milk and sitting still. Everyone else who'd had a baby seemed so joyous and I just felt so sad. The one thing I wanted the most was a healthy baby and I got that. I got my dream, But my journey had been tainted with loss and with pain. Not only physically, But mentally, I felt complete failure. I felt that somehow I was being ungrateful, Because why couldn't I feel happy when now I had what I wanted? Because I couldn't feed my son, I had about seven experts coming in to try and help, As I just sat there like a cow on a milking machine. Everyone was having a squeeze, Telling me that I somehow wasn't trying hard enough and to think happy thoughts. Still, No one believed me that something was wrong with my back and the pain was somehow stopping my production. The doctors didn't think there was a problem with my back and I was just exaggerating. Of course I was, Because I was a first-time mum, And I didn't know what the hell I was doing right. Apparently, I didn't even know my own body or what pain was. The looks I received when I asked for help sent me back to school and also to when I was telling people there was something wrong with my first pregnancy. I'd lost my voice. I kept being hushed and no one could hear me, Even though this time I was speaking clearly. I was unmistakably asking for help. But no one helped me. No one. I'm not sure if I have ever felt so unheard in my life than when I became a mum. This was meant to be the best time of my life, Wasn't it? Why did I not feel the same as everyone else? And why was I so unimportant? When the hospital finally let me go home, I was so relieved. I was about to turn into the Hulk and punch the next person who squeezed my dry tit in the face. But before we left, I had to sign a form to say that I was acknowledging that bottle feeding my baby was not ideal and that I understood the risk I was putting him at. Like bottle feeding was somehow the same as scraping food off an alleyway floor. I should be ashamed of myself. Now I'm stronger, I can say, How dare you? How dare you make me feel like a failure? I was failed as a new mum, And when I spoke up, I was shut down. How dare you take my experience away and not hear my pain? I was asking for help. I went to see my doctor and told him that my back was unbearably painful and I needed help. He told me to stand up so that he could examine me. But he couldn't find anything wrong and told me I'd heal. I said my coccyx was where the pain was, But he said he couldn't find my coccyx. And off I went. I decided to pay for private health care because no one was able to help me. I had to take control of the situation and I took matters into my own hands. I found a chiropractor and managed to shuffle my way to him. When he examined me he couldn't believe the state I was in. I had months of treatment which helped I could walk better and lift my legs up. But I still couldn't sit down. I was left with this localized stabbing pain going straight up my spine. The only way I can describe it is to imagine you sat on a long sharp rod which pierced through the bottom of your spine and went up to your neck. It would make me jump like I'd been electrocuted if I sat in the wrong way. Six months later, I saw an osteopath called Chris Johnson. I'd actually taken my son to see him, But when he saw I couldn't sit properly, He asked me if there was something wrong. I explained the pain to him and when he examined my back he could tell the problem straight away. My coccyx wasn't there. It was so badly damaged during birth that it had bent, Tucked and twisted the wrong way, And healed in a completely new position. When I left his session. I got in the car and cried. Did someone just believe me? Had someone just heard me like I was worth listening to? Was this not all in my head after all? I then spent several weeks seeing Chris so he could put my coccyx back into place. Chris's kind soul and gentle approach made a very painful and stressful experience positive. I looked forward to my sessions as he was always welcoming. And when I spoke, He listened. He heard me. And that really mattered. That was what I needed. Not only to heal my back. But my belief that some people will listen and help you. In time the pain subsided and my relief arrived. I became able to do things we all take for granted, Like sitting down. I could lie in bed and the weight of the duvet wouldn't hurt. I could walk better. I could pick my son up and he could sit on my knee. I could go out for meals and sit on a chair and my legs no longer felt like they weren't attached to my body. My back has never been the same as it was before, But I can live with it now. It is amazing how unheard I felt during important times of my life, When I feel I should have been heard the most. Even though this is only one part of my story, You can see how easy it is to lose the ability to trust your own instincts. Even as an adult in my thirties, My own natural instincts that were screaming at me became ignored, Because I was meant to believe someone else over myself. So I quietened my voice down, So much that I continued to suffer in silence over and over again. I then spent the next couple of years with postnatal depression. Quote The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself. Michelle de Montagne