Fading Before Dawn: Introduction - Worthy

Content warning. This series explores mental illness, loss, and emotional distress. Please take care of yourself while listening.
This series is not about becoming a better version of yourself. It is about remembering the person underneath everything you thought you had to be. In this introduction, I share why I stopped searching outside myself for answers and began looking towards nature, the changing seasons, and the ways they reflect our own emotional lives.
Through the seasons within us, we begin to explore what it means to lose ourselves, to find acceptance in the moments when life feels difficult, and to recognise that perhaps we were never quite as lost as we believed. At its heart, this is about finding our way back to ourselves, without believing we need to become somebody different to be worthy.

Transcript

Introduction Worthy. To hold great value. This isn't a self-improvement book. It's not about how to be a better person, How to find your purpose, Look glamorous or lose weight. It's not about setting big goals, Making more money, Working harder or visualising your future. This book is about you. But you on the inside. It's about how you feel, Who you are and what you need for you in your world. I won't be telling you that the reason you may feel unfulfilled is because you're not good enough yet. Although you're missing something that you need to work harder for. This book is taking all of that away. It's stripping back the things that have been added to you throughout your life in an attempt to help you feel whole and worthy, Being you. You see, You are already worthy. Without any of that. You are worthy, Just the way you are. Nothing added, Nothing taken away. This book is about finding you. In a world where you can feel so on show yet unseen. So in demand, Yet lost. This book is not about being bigger and better. It's about being you. And finding the part of you that wants you back to the home you hold within you. And as you read these pages. I hope you recognise that within you, Is your true voice. Which whispers quietly that you are needed and wanted. You are loved. And you are worthy in this world and within your life. Just the way you are. Quote Mostly, It is loss which teaches us about the worth of things. Arthur Schopenhauer Oh, The possibilities. When I was 32 to 38, From around 2016 to 2022. I was introduced to the world of self-improvement. And the more I learnt about it, The more I wanted to know. There I began indulging in countless amounts of self-improvement in the hope I would find the answers to my problems. I started searching and searching for the personal and business destiny I so desperately wanted. I spent those seven years lining my bookcase with self-improvement books. Books on how to be happy. Books on the law of attraction. How to work less and be more. Make more money easily and be the best boss. I read books about losing weight, Looking better and being more confident. I join self-improvement groups and clubs. And I followed the things they taught me. I believed without question that these books and groups would hold the answers I was searching for. I loved when a new book landed on the doorstep. They always arrived full of hope, And with the possibility that upon its freshly printed, Optimistic pages, There would be the answers to my wellness, Success, Wealth, Fulfillment, Never-ending happiness, And, Of course, The all-important life purpose. I wanted to be one of those successful and happy people whose books I read, And the promise that each book would finally make my life and all my feelings click into place made me read, Add, And change myself for years. But in 2022, After all those years, I couldn't work out why, When I indulged in so much self-improvement, I never found what I was searching for. I never became the person I was expecting to become. Where was the book with my answers? Where was the group that was going to guide me to business success, Which would then lead me to personal happiness? What was I doing so wrong when so many people seemed to be doing it right? The feedback I was receiving was that I didn't want it enough. That my comfort zone was too comfy. That I had to make my dream bigger. And that if I didn't make it big and make it matter. Then I didn't really want any of it. At this point I was succumbing to the idea that I was destined to be a lifelong failure. So was I actually willing to lay on my deathbed full of regret of unfulfilled dreams? Well, Yes, Because letting go of all of it was just about to become my reality. Nice fair job. I was fed up with myself, Fed up with feeling like a failure over and over again, When the new method didn't work. I was fed up with always seeming to be searching and trying but never achieving. I was fed up with the repetitiveness of self-improvement. And I was fed up with never finding the answers to my blockage and why I couldn't just go for it like everyone else. I was on a bungee rope, Right at the very end of its capacity, And it was time for me to bounce back. So I decided to go on a self-improvement strike. I stopped buying and reading, I cancelled my audiobook subscriptions and I stopped taking part in anything that may make me want to try and improve myself. I even stopped trying to lose weight, Which had become a never-ending battle. Upon my strike, I became overrun with spare time. Yet, Within that spare time, No new answers or lightbulb moments arrived. Instead, What arrived was guilt. Not trying to improve myself, Internally or externally in some way, Seemed like a really negative and lazy thing to do, And against everything I'd wholeheartedly believed in for so long. It felt like I'd just given up, Willing to accept my fate and become a letdown. I found it strange not doing anything to improve myself, Not focusing on writing my goals for the day, Not reading a chapter of a book to expand my never-ending need for knowledge, And not being a part of any self-help goal-setting groups. All of that had stopped, And I was just being me. And that's where I got stuck, Because I couldn't remember who that was. Who was I when I wasn't hiding behind improving my business or becoming a better, More positive version of myself? I had become a stranger. My life was shrinking. And I had to rediscover this much smaller world and what I deemed at the time to be a less important version of who I was. As I watched friends succeed in their dreams, I was preparing to let go of mine. But I was ready. And over that time of letting go, I realised that who I'd uncovered wasn't who I was expecting. I had become a 37-year-old woman who hated everything I thought I loved. I realized I hated self-improvement, Networking, And personal and business groups. Social gatherings, Small talk, Exercise and meeting new people. I realised I even hated some of the people I knew. I saw that my business wasn't as good as what I thought it was. And neither was I. As time moved on, I saw that I truly believed I loved all of those things. But most importantly, For years. I thought I needed them. Had I thought I liked those things so much so that I genuinely believed I did when I didn't? Had I just become the complete opposite person to all the things I'd been trying so hard to be? And who on earth had I been hiding? Did I like her, Or did I need to get rid of her? Quote, I release myself from the versions of me that I created to survive. Unknown. As time passed, Eventually I got used to this new version of me. And some nice things happened. Things I'd not expected, Nor had I been searching for. They just kind of appeared over time. Like they'd always been there. I discovered that in having more time, It gave me space to see that I was more content with less. My world had slowed to my pace. I found a new need for things. I didn't need to buy, Change or replace anything. I liked the things I had. I read fictional books of adventure, Love and crime. It felt like, Finally, The Be A Better Version race had finished. So, Instead of being constantly out of breath, I could breathe and just be me. I started sitting and thinking. Listening, Waiting, Being and looking. And there the guilt I was initially met with gently melted away. Instead of having someone else's thoughts and ideas penetrate in my mind, I'd have my own. I noticed that I hardly agreed with anything I'd been doing for so many years. I'd been trapped in a race which had no finish line. Things felt forced, And in my search for happiness, When I was finally ready to put an end to it. I couldn't have found myself any further away. As this new journey I'd undertaken continued, I began to feel like I was on a journey home. I pressed pause on my outer world, And in that pause, I pressed play on my inner one. I began piecing together what I had been searching for. And that was me. I realized I didn't want fast cars, Big money and mansions. I just wanted to feel like what I had and how my life was, Was enough. As I picked up the pieces of the self I'd found within this time and space, There came an acknowledgement that I was rather disjointed and still significantly mentally unwell. I guess over the years of living for self-improvement, I forgot that how I genuinely felt within was crucial to that balanced life I was longing for. None of the things that I'd done in self-improvement had improved my life. They just moved me away from who I really was, And the internal struggles I faced day in, Day out, Were just hidden. I guess part of the truth was then, At that time in my life, I didn't want to be me. I didn't want to be this fragmented person who felt so broken and depressed. I wanted to be someone different, With a different frame of mind and a different outlook on life. And the only way I could become the person I was yearning to be. Was by pretending. So that's what I did. I pushed down where I really was, To be who I thought I should be. So with the acknowledgement of where I'd been and how I'd felt, I became ready to accept myself for such disjointedness and unwellness. For the first time in years, I saw myself with every piece of baggage I owned. It was really scary. But within this acceptance. I had to find out how to love who I was with all the baggage I'd arrived with. Because I could no longer live my lie. Within this new kindness I was offering myself, A new page was turned over. And on those pages, A new story. In this new story, Thoughts and words were found in love. Within those words came writing and healing. I took the time to be unwell. To figure out where I was and recognise all my symptoms of mental illness. And I wasn't as scary as what I thought I would be. I was just lost. And I'd been neglected by myself for years. This time enable me to open my eyes. And as I did. I began to see again. I began to see things like the sun appearing after years of a total eclipse. I discovered within this acknowledgement and my pause that there was a whole entire world within me. But I'd not stop to see or hear it, Encouraged to move away from my world within, So that I could fit into the world without me. Upon pushing down this part of me. I forgot that was where I was free. I forgot that there I was connected to me. My feelings, My wants and needs, And that locked within me were all my answers. But along the way, I had forgotten that I held the key. So I began to listen to myself. And ask questions. I'd ask what I needed. And what I wanted. And what I wanted was not what I thought it was going to be. Apart from the fact I knew I didn't want to suffer from mental illness anymore, I wanted to be well for myself, My son and husband. But I also wanted to sit with family and friends and be present. I didn't want to be consumed with how unwell I was feeling, Or that I should be doing and being more. I wanted to just be in the room and enjoy it for all it was. I want to live again. I wanted to come back to life. I started practicing just being. And as I asked myself more of the questions I needed answers to. My answers began to appear. They would be quiet at first. I guess I was unsure if I should be accepting my own advice as I'd never had to trust it before. But over time as my own self-esteem within me grew. The answers became louder. And louder. Shut up and move on. Brutal honesty appeared in me. I kind of liked it, Though. It made things easier. Sometimes it will slow down. Take your time. You're braver than you think you are and I'm here with you. Those were the words that I needed to hear for years, And I was offering them to myself. I'd never done that before. But I knew deep down, It was what I wanted. When I was writing this book, It was always, Redo that, Don't give up, Be honest, Go deeper. Within myself, I discovered my biggest advocate. I gained my own trust back and I saw things differently. I saw that what I thought and felt mattered. And so was trusting myself. I was becoming more present and mindful, But my way. I'd close my eyes and I'd be within. I began to become a part of the world I wanted to be a part of. Instead of the world I thought I should be a part of. I could finally see. To all the answers I'd been looking for. I already had. All along. They were within me. At the time of my self-improvement strike and before my personal realizations. I'd been a hypnotherapist and meditation teacher for 10 years. I'd spent my career specializing in the recovery from mental illness, Having suffered in previous years myself and having recovered with the use of hypnotherapy. I spent years writing hundreds of bespoke hypnosis and meditations for my clients, And I used my own personal feelings to make them feel seen. I wrote about nature, Both visually and metaphorically. I had always taken inspiration from what nature offered, But it never meant as much as what it was about to. Within my paws, I healed. And there I began to see nature in a much more meaningful way. I realised that now, Right in front of me, Was what I'd been searching for. I'd not seen it or accepted it would be that obvious. But now I could see that on every step of my journey, It was there. Always. The world outside in nature was trying to connect with me and my world inside. Stay with me, Let me explain. Your world, Within. I began to watch and see what nature could teach me. As I watched, I found that I was drawn mostly to the changes in each season. And there it was. It was the seasons I'd been searching for. They were what was about to teach me what I needed to know. I don't think I'd ever been so sure about what I'd been looking for in my life, But my questions became clearer the closer I got to my answers. I had been searching for how to live, And how to be, But for me. I wanted to know how to feel accepted by myself. And also for me to be accepting the world around me, That I didn't lie. I wanted to know how, In the acceptance of what surrounded me, I could feel peace and contentment within. So, As I watched and learnt. I noticed that as the golden leaves floated down. And became a part of the ground. Autumn was teaching me to let go of what had run its course. I saw how Earth became silent after snowfall. And how the flowers and plants retreat in winter. Nature was telling me it was time for respite, Recovery and healing. I saw how spring offers a fresh start. And that each plant grows in its own time and when it's ready. Spring was showing me that sometimes we're not ready to bloom. But one day, We will be. And it will be when it's right. Summer showed me how to be present and allow the new growth of life to flourish. I saw that Mother Nature was giving me the answers. She was showing me the way. But because I'd had my head so busy with improving myself and moving forwards towards that non-existent finish line. I'd never stopped to see it. I'd spent so much of my life in a winter season, Unhappy, Depressed, Anxious, Having panic attacks and suicidal feelings. I wasn't sure of who I was. But I was now so ready for spring. I was ready for a positive change in my life to arrive. And I wanted to know who I was without mental illness. Yet with that, I recognized that I needed to shrink my world down more. And in reducing the size of my world. I inadvertently. Made it bigger. It was at this point I knew that so many people I'd met over the years had been or were on a similar journey to mine. So many people had forgotten who they were. What they loved and what mattered to them. We get swept up into this whirlwind of life and that whirlwind never seems to let up. Unless we're prepared. To let go. I knew then that one day, I could share what I was seeing and learning. But first, I had to go through my own seasons and deal with some things that I really didn't want to deal with. I knew that I couldn't guide you. If I hadn't felt it myself. Your internal seasons. Sometimes we're lost. We're deep in emotions and we're drowning in them. We don't know where we are, And we want someone to throw us a lifeline, Or even just a single sentence that will give us the strength we're searching for. So I write this book for you, In the best way I can. In the hope that something you read will offer you what you need at whatever stage in your journey you find yourself. My wish for this whole book is to make it clear to you that you matter. What you've been through or what you're going through, However dark or light your journey has been, You are wanted and you are needed. I want you to know that you are more than you realise no matter how you feel. You are worthy of your life. I want to be honest and share with you what I count from my own journey, In the hope that you can connect back to yourself and see that you are not so alone. So as you go through this journey of reconnection, I want to be clear. This is your journey. And I don't have your answers. What you're looking for is already within you. And only you can find that. You will not find a step-by-step guide within this book, But you will find honesty, Support and a persistent reminder that you are within and only you can find yourself. So take me with you. I can show you the way. But inevitably this is your journey. And no one's journey is the same. It's about remembering your intuition and trusting it. It's about listening, Hearing, Seeing and healing. It's about doing what you love and leaving what you don't. This is your story, And only you can write it. So take my hand. Turn the page. And know that I am here to support and care for you within each word. But there will come a time. When you let go. And I will stand back. As you begin. Your journey home. Quote. And like the moon, We must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again. Unknown.