Self-love For When You're Single

In this episode, we're talking about the power of self-love when you're single. Learn how to pour into yourself fully, get clear on what you want and need and create a strong foundation before welcoming someone else’s energy into your life. When you know yourself deeply, love flows effortlessly — both from within and from the world around you.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Free Will podcast.

I am here with a topic for all of you singles out there.

So this episode is specifically geared towards self-love for when you're single and if you're in a relationship there will be another episode of the podcast specifically for you so keep an eye out for that.

The idea of self-love when you're single and like why is that important?

I mean self-love is important full stop all the time but I think that it is a little bit different I mean obviously there's overlaps in both but I think it's a little bit different between single and when you're in a relationship because I think there are different things that you need to remember.

So when you're single I think that it's really important to really get clear on who you are.

It's really important to know yourself deeply and what I mean by that is really asking yourself like the fundamental questions and like literally things like like who am I?

When I take away all the labels,

When I take away my job title,

When I take away you know who I am in my family or who I am to my friends or the sports that I play right who am I at a really fundamental level?

And from my work with clients over the past how many years has it been now?

Seven?

Seven years?

How exciting!

Over the past seven years it's clear to me that a lot of us don't know necessarily the answer to this question.

Now that's not to say that we don't actually know who we are it's just that when someone asks us this question we haven't taken the time or done the work to be able to like actually answer it well.

So we might have ideas about who we are but we've never really taken the time to go through and kind of give it form right give form or shape to these ideas.

You most likely know what you value and you're probably living it in a lot of ways as well too but maybe you don't know how to like articulate that to somebody and why is that important?

I mean articulating it to someone else probably isn't important but certainly being able to articulate it to yourself I think is a really really big key element in building a solid foundation with yourself before you begin a relationship because if you don't know what your values are and if you don't know where you stand before you welcome someone else's energy in it's just it's a little bit kind of a sticky place to be because when we're not on solid ground with ourselves it makes it a lot easier to slip into situations where we're giving in a little too often you know we're compromising a little bit too much definitely 100% been there been there we'll we'll probably be there again because we're human and we slip up right and and and who we are changes over time.

I would I would say that our values are less likely to evolve over time it depends on what you intend by values okay because there are certain values that I have that are so fundamental to who I am that I really don't foresee them shifting because if I if I was to take away one of these values I would no longer be the person that I am doing what I do showing up the way I show up in the world like something about me would have to fundamentally change in order for those values to change that being said every year I choose a set of values that I want to focus on right which we talked about in the episode of starting the year soft or fresh and soft or brave and bold and if you want to check that out but those values are something that I am pouring into or focusing on right now because it's something that I need in this year so there's a little bit of a difference my values my fundamental values which if I haven't shared them with you guys on the podcast before I feel like I have I mean in in an indirect way but like my my values are literally wild free well which is also the name of the podcast it's the tagline for my business and so on and so forth but it is so inextricable from who I am I cannot remove wild free well from who I am it might be a part of my business but it is a fundamental aspect of who I am because wild for me means real it means sovereign it means authentic it means really being able to be all of who I am it means exploring and being wild in that sense adventure travel right and that's so so much a part of who I am and free for me means being free to express who I am being free to do what I want to do being in control of my time being in control of my life and well just simply means wellness being healthy being mentally well spiritually well emotionally well physically well all of those things right really making sure that I'm feeling whole and complete on my own that I'm really taking care of myself okay and if I was to shift one of those things it would be very difficult for me I think to be the person that I am something about me would fundamentally change and why is it important that I know this ahead of getting into a relationship because when you know your values you can run your potential partner's values through your own and see if there is an alignment there does that mean that they have to be the same no not by any means not even a little bit they do not have to be the same but if one of their values fundamentally contradicts yours you have to understand whether or not that feels like a place that you'd be okay with maybe giving a little bit or compromising a little bit or if you know even being triggered there's a chance that if your partner's values are slightly different than yours or they contradict yours that there could be some friction potentially moving forward like if I was with somebody who really valued like stability because I think that when you value stability just as a you know kind of side note do not go into business for yourself that's not the path so like if I was with somebody who really valued stability and stability for them looked like a nine to five and it looked like you know a steady paycheck and making sure that they really had that security and stuff like that could I do it sure but there would have to be some compromise on both sides in order for us to mesh well because my value of being free and being able to like travel when I want to and being in control of my own time is so important to me I want to be able to you know work my business in a way that if I want to go away for a weekend I can or if I want to work from another part of the world I can which is very difficult with somebody who values stability and has a very kind of permanent physical you know nine to five job we could do it 100% but what would that take and is that something that I'm willing to do and if you're not clear on your values like if you don't have this kind of figured out it becomes really much more difficult to have this conversation because you're not kind of sure what to assess I think at that point right so getting really clear on your values is important getting really clear on what your vibe is like are you somebody who is like really easygoing and I feel like I've had an episode of the podcast in the past I don't remember which one at this point where we we assess that a little bit like are you actually easygoing my partner and I had a huge conversation about this when when we first met because he kept telling me how easygoing he was while he was behaving in a way that was like less than easygoing and I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a colossal pain in the ass like I am not easygoing at all in daily life but when I travel I just couldn't give a crap about anything I've never I never feel more free than when I'm traveling whatever happens happens whatever we do we do like it's really funny and he is the opposite he's a little bit more easygoing in daily life but when he travels he's like gotta know what I'm doing gotta know what I'm where I'm going gotta know what I'm seeing and so we're opposites in that way but we found a way to make it work we have compromised but yeah just getting really clear on your vibe so that you can explain it to people so that you yourself also are really comfortable in it sorry I want to go back because I said explain I don't mean justify I do not at all ever ever ever mean justifying you do not need to justify who you are to anyone not even to yourself at all but what I mean by explain was just being able to communicate your vibe to somebody like being able to really express like what's important to you like like my vibe is probably more I am not a chill person but I really try to invite that energy in via the way that I live so like my vibe is like slow mornings and Sundays like at home or like with family or just kind of relaxing a little bit and like really taking time to recharge before we dive into the week so like my vibe that's it's not necessarily one of my values right I mean it would be because this vibe helps me create self-care self-care would be a part of wellness but it's just kind of like the way that I choose to live the energy of my life the atmosphere of my life right what do you most want to create in your life like what are you working towards what are your goals you know what are you moving towards what do you stand for this is another really good question for helping you getting clear on your values and then like also what do you want to be remembered for right just really taking the time to get to know yourself deeply really really really pouring into yourself first and creating that solid foundation because if you don't have a solid foundation and you try to build a life with someone else on top of a shaky foundation how do you think that's going to end?

Hint probably not well now listen does that mean it's not going to work ever at all no because perhaps you guys are both at a place in your lives where you're both asking yourselves these questions and you are then growing together you're building that foundation together there are a million possibilities it is never black and white it is never one or the other it is almost always both and and so you can have a relationship when you don't know yourself but then there is that risk right of us giving too much of us compromising what we believe in because we don't know what we believe in or or we don't know how to communicate what we believe in so it's really really clear to it's really really important sorry to get clear on those things for yourself and then like I mean I didn't even think about this when I was kind of taking notes for the episode but like also you you probably need to have some kind of idea of what it is that you want for your future does your future involve marriage does it involve children does it involve a very picket white picket fence kind of life does it involve travel does it involve you know like changing careers like are you settled in your career are you planning on making a move are you wanting to switch to another field like it is also important to have a bit of an idea of what it is that you want overall in life so that you can communicate that to your potential partner now it really depends on the age that you are at when you are listening to this as well I think because if you're younger having a conversation about marriage and babies may not be fully relevant whereas if you are at a different age or a different stage of your life that might be something that you you talk about right away when I started dating my partner we had this conversation very early on because I was at a stage in my life where I left my previous relationship and I was like very much thinking like if I want children and I wasn't fully sure at the time and I will be honest with you I probably am not fully sure now either but if I want children the conversation that I was having with myself sorry to repeat was if I want children I probably need to find someone sooner rather than later because I want to have children in and around a certain age I don't want to be at older for me my own perspective of older my own vision of this this is my own hang up my own story okay but I knew that I didn't want to be older and having children or much older than I am and having children and so I knew that like that would be a conversation that I would likely have to have with a potential partner and when I met my current partner that was one of the first conversations that we had I think we had it I mean probably on like the third date maybe that we had we talked about it very soon both about marriage and children the order in which we would like them to happen like how open we are to them and we've had conversations about those things since but it's really if you're feeling like you're at the age where that's becoming more of a more of a reality for you then potentially that's also a conversation that you need to get comfortable having because you need to make sure that you are you are at a place where both of your expectations match right so in all of this one other thing that I would say you know in terms of like really loving yourself and in terms of loving yourself what I've actually meant in this episode is really getting to know yourself and really getting clear on what the hell it is that you want because if you don't know no one is going to be able to tell you and you're at risk of wasting time with a potential partner because if you don't know what you want and they don't know what they want or you don't know what they want and they do know what they want or you know what you want and they don't right there is kind of an inherent mismatch there it's not that it can't work of course it can work of course things are possible and we can you know make lemon out of lemonade and we can always figure something out yes but you may be inviting in different struggles right that don't necessarily need to happen if you're taking the time to just get to know yourself first if you're really focusing on you you can avoid a little bit of messiness along the way I think okay and the next and last thing I would say is that while you're showing up for yourself and you're loving yourself and you're doing the things that you love and you're you know actively engaged in hobbies and you're getting out there and you're doing the things that you want to do and like not in a crazy way like my hobbies are reading so like me getting out there becomes a little bit more complicated because I like to be at home and most of my hobbies involve being at home unfortunately besides exercise but yeah like so don't like put too much pressure on yourself but while you're showing up for yourself it's also about being open to love sometimes that can be the most challenging part sometimes we either are so rigid and strict with what we expect from the other person and p.

S.

Please make note that in this episode I did not talk at all about anything that the other person needed to be the other person doesn't need to be anything they don't need to be tall dark and handsome and they don't need to work in a specific job and we didn't do a manifestation list of all the things that you want you can do that too like that's totally fine but that's not what this episode was about it is about when you are clear on your values and who you are and what you want all of a sudden it makes it a lot easier to view somebody and see whether or not you guys are aligned right because you'll know if this person and their lifestyle and the way that they move in the world aligns with the way that you move in the world not because we're immediately checking people off or just kind of writing people off or whatever we're not we're not we're giving people space and time to unfold obviously but this is for me the biggest act of self-love because it really gives you space to show up so fully as yourself and to really be seen and loved in a potential relationship as all of who you are right so we are showing up for ourselves but we are also being open to love so we're not actively chasing it necessarily right but we're not also we're also not pushing it away because there is often this kind of tug of war of like you know and and also the societal conditioning around what it takes to get a relationship or to find a relationship like it happens when you least expect it and all of these kind of cliches like you know you don't need to chase love attract love there's so many different viewpoints on this and i'll be honest with you i met my partner one month after i got out of my last relationship do i recommend this no no i do not i would not recommend it at the time i felt very very good about myself because for me the relationship had ended long before i actually walked away from it and i had a month where i was so hardcore focusing on myself like i was the only thing that mattered in that month besides mila my fur baby and um and so i felt like i had a solid foundation but as our relationship blossomed and as things moved along i realized that i didn't give myself enough time to grieve the previous relationship it's not about the fact that i wasn't over it i was out of the relationship before i actively left it i was done long before but i didn't give myself a chance to necessarily fully feel into what feels like or what felt like maybe some time lost and like some things i went through in the in my previous relationship before i got into this one so i would not recommend that but that being said i didn't just sit around waiting for love to find me i did things in order to potentially look for it and and i can say too i wasn't necessarily looking for it but at the same time i was there's like that's what i mean by this tug of war like i wasn't chasing after love by any means but i was definitely putting myself in a position where i was able to find it so like i was on the apps i was window shopping for humans as i call online dating because that's basically what you're doing it's like you go to the mall you look in the window that one has a nice jacket oh i could really see myself in that skirt it is kind of like that whether you think that's a shallow perspective or not if you really analyze it what you're actively doing is you're looking at somebody's best foot forward and you are deciding whether or not you're interested in pursuing that further which is no different than seeing a jacket in the window and deciding if you want to try it on so anyways it's not a nice way to say it but it's definitely the way that i that i look at it and i think it makes it a lot easier too it takes a lot of the pressure off but anyways um i was on the apps i was looking for people i was looking to see what was out there because at the time i had kind of resigned myself to having to settle in order to get other things that i wanted like the discussion about children like if i want children i probably just need to find like a human as opposed to the human and um i'm kind of feeling like after getting out of a seven-year relationship like i wasn't necessarily going to find somebody who genuinely vibed with me and instead i met my partner who aligns with me in like an insane amount of ways we have so many of the same values even though we have very very very very very different ways of getting to those values so yeah i mean it's just this discussion of really being open to the way that love can come to you to being open to love like you know it looks like being really okay with what you have and comfortable in your own skin and in your own situation like in your current situation but being willing to let something and someone else in because that something and that someone else is inevitably going to disturb the routine that you have created within yourself right the routine that you've created on your own is going to kind of shift and evolve as you invite someone else's energy into it and so really being comfortable with that and okay with that and knowing who you are so that you know where you're willing to bend where you're willing to compromise and where you're not right it's massively important so i hope this helps um i hope my story inspires you as well to a certain extent because i i had i was in a period where i had kind of given up on love and i've really found something that i didn't necessarily believe anymore was possible for me and it is in part because i did the things that i described in this episode um i had already known my values because my values are so integral to my business it's it's it's very difficult to talk about one without talking about the other so that part was a little bit easier for me i think but like in terms of my vibe i think we also figured that out together like as we were building our relationship we were figuring out like what that looks like for us because he moves very differently in the world than i do he is much more like frenetic like go go go i want to get this done i want to go here i want to do this i want to do that and i am very much like gear down big rig like we need to think this through first and then move so anyways um yeah i hope that this uh episode serves you i really hope that you remember how loved you are how lovable you are how wonderful you are and how lucky anyone would be to have you in their life and yeah i just hope that uh i hope that you move forward in such a beautiful beautiful way if you have any comments critiques uh questions or concerns please feel free to leave me a message or write me a review or so on and so forth and if you love this episode subscribe and all that good stuff and if you know somebody who could benefit from this episode share share and share and share some more thank you so much i hope you have an amazing weekend and i look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the podcast ciao

Reviews

You could not have said that more perfectly. Thank you so much! It’s always a pleasure to listen to your soul talk.