Do You Even Want That? (Refining Your Desires)

In this episode, we talk about refining your desires and the first step is making sure that your desires are actually yours. I give some examples of both internal and external goals (including some from my personal experience) that we might work towards without ever asking ourselves if it's what we really want.

This episode will unlock a sense of freedom within you to truly go after what lights you up and what is truly aligned with your values.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Free Will podcast.

I am here today to talk to you a little bit about redefining your desires and what I mean by that is really making sure that your desires are actually yours.

Which sounds silly because you would think you know if you have these desires in your mind and so on and so forth that of course they belong to you like it's normal that they belong to you and I'm here to ask you do they really?

Let's take a second and and actually make sure that these desires are are actually yours and the first thing I kind of want to ask you is is to think of something that you're working towards or think of something that you want and it can be anything it can be an external goal it can be a habit that you're trying to integrate yeah it can be anything it can be internal or external take a second and think about that for a second like about what that thing is and I want you to ask yourself do I actually want this thing do I maybe even say your name so like for me it would be like do I you know Candice Alicia actually want this thing whatever that thing might be internal external it makes no difference and like I love I love how I love how the podcast unfolds so like I came here with another example and a new one just came to mind so for the female population listening to this this episode I just a great example came into mind when I was thinking about like the discussion of like external and internal I actually have an external example as well but we're gonna start with an internal one please raise your hand if you have ever wanted female okay people who identify as female if you have ever wanted to be considered low-maintenance sit with that one for a second cuz like it's good it's not what I was expecting to talk about but it's really good how many of us how many of us have tried at one point in our lives to be some version of low-maintenance low-maintenance easygoing chill you know whatever like carefree and like all of these things that we are told that we are supposed to be to a certain extent okay because I do think that there is external pressure there now remember there's nothing wrong with you actually wanting any of these things there is never any shade whatever it is that you want you want you go after it you get it I'm totally on your side if you want to be the chillest person on planet Earth if your goal genuinely is to be low-maintenance because you feel like it would make your life better because you feel like it's something that is necessary to your path forward then get on with your bad self like that's totally fine and but what I think is really important to keep in mind here is how much of the external noise of the world kind of gets into and like creeps into and seeps into what we think we want so an internal example is that like this idea of like being low-maintenance women are constantly told you know like that's the epitome like men like low-maintenance women and like all of these kinds of things like these stories these cultural stories that create like the norms and the status quo that we live in but an external example I was like this is actually inspired by a couple a couple of things I was reading this morning like a post and someone had commented on it like I just like want to be on stage speaking and I just want to you know have like this like wildly successful like profitable business or or whatever it is and and it really got me thinking in addition to a question that my that my coach had asked me which was like where do you want the podcast to be in five years and and this is where we get like real real so if I think about where I want the podcast to be in five years or ten years or a year from now or whatever it is right whatever the timeline is if I think about where I want it to be the image that comes to mind is something I think relatively grandiose like something like me interviewing other people and like it being something maybe bigger maybe there's a video version of it maybe you know because we're seeing a lot of that now and if I really stopped think about what is fundamental to me in my life so what I mean by that is like what my values are and what I actually want in my life I'm not certain that that idea of the podcast that image of the podcast becoming something bigger becoming something maybe more global becoming something more recognized I'm not certain that that actually fits in at all with my own version of success and like what I'm actually aiming for in life because I think that if you've listened to me for any amount of time and you're kind of more familiar with me and my style you know that the ultimate for me is freedom that's the basis of my whole business it's it's what I want to help other people achieve and find in their own way not my version of freedom but your version of freedom and it's the thing that's like the single most important aspect of life to me like when I don't feel free I feel I don't feel like me basically like I don't feel like a full and complete person when I don't feel free so like that to me is the epitome so if I think about this idea of like the podcast becoming something really big and it being like maybe this like video version and like me interviewing like people from my industry or otherwise like if I think about that I feel like that actually is somewhat in contrast to what I actually desire in life which is to feel free because there would be other obligations other expectations like it would be another level another standard the timeline would be different like you know it would have to be something much more orchestrated and more organized and it would take a lot more time and a lot more logistics and so like those two things are kind of at conflict with each other and the idea here is like why then why is that the image that comes to mind when I think about the podcast is that what I actually want or is that what I'm being shown is kind of like the natural sort of ambition or achievement in the area of podcasting okay I talk a lot about social media I think you guys can tell I'm probably not super keen on it unfortunately I say unfortunately because my life would be a lot easier if it was if I was keen on it my business would be a lot like bigger easier maybe if I was actually keen on social media but I am not and here we are but I think that this question is so important to be asking ourselves right now like do I actually want this thing or is this simply the outcome that I am being shown by other people or that I'm seeing on social media or whatever that society is naturally pushing me towards it depends on what your goal is okay like because if for example if you're feeling pressured maybe to have children you maybe you are seeing you know on social media like other people having kids or your friends are having kids or or whatever but that there's also a certain amount of like that's a natural progression of life in the society that we live in right like you know if we were to like really break it down mostly for people of privilege let's be honest okay this pathway is for like a specific set of people but the idea is like you go to college you go to like whatever high school then you go to college or university you meet somebody you get a job you marry that person you buy a house you have your 2.

6 kids with the white picket fence and the dog right like it's so far-fetched to think about that but it is so ingrained in our society and it is so ingrained in like a lot of different cultures as well it's not just like well this is like something from like North America or this is something exclusively from Europe it really isn't it is something that is like it's sort of this global standard almost of like things that we could work towards and we are not maybe not in the habit of questioning the status quo and asking ourselves if we really want those things or if we're being told that we should want them by you know culture or society or if we're feeling pressured to want them maybe by family and friends or if we're being programmed to want them from our use of social media and the images that we are consuming and the media that we're consuming like not just social media but maybe tv shows or movies or books or whatever like do we actually want the lives that we are living or the lives that we're aiming for or the things that we're working for um I remember when I was thinking about going to university the first time because I actually ended up going to three universities and it's a long story for another day but the first time I went to university I was 18 and I remember saying to my mom and I think I talked to my grandfather too which like in hindsight was really not not a great idea um but I remember saying like I don't know what I want to do I just really want to take some time off like I don't think this is the right step for me and like with my I genuinely believe with my best interest in heart they said at heart they said you should go because if you stop then you're probably not going to go back you know it's going to be harder to go back and I believe that they were doing the best with what they had available to them at the time and for the position that I find myself in in society so I'm white I'm cisgendered I am I guess I would say like lower middle class like not upper middle class but anyways like that was the natural progression of my life it was like there was not really another what was the alternative what was another path that I could possibly take like you finish high school you're you know white and you have a certain amount of privilege like you go to university that's just that's how it works isn't it and even though I was questioning that at the time little 18 year old me was like you know these people who are older than me are probably right I'm just gonna go I'm just gonna go and you know do the thing and like I don't regret doing that now um but I do think it's really interesting because I was having this conversation of like but actually is this really what I want like do I actually want to go to university right now when I have no idea what the hell I want to study and like maybe if I had waited and I had given myself some more time to unfold I would have chosen another degree um I would have chosen like another field of study because I had originally gone in for business then I ended up studying languages and I I don't say that I regret but I think I would have really enjoyed studying psychology um and I did study it but like only at a really like low level I never really went very far and by the time I went to graduate I was too late to be able to even make a minor out of it without having to stay at school longer and staying at school longer at that point was not an option for me so um but anyways like yeah maybe I would have chosen a different path and we can hum and haw and about the coulda shoulda wouldas and all that stuff but the question here the conversation here is just this like when something when you're working towards something we want to have like a really really strong connection with that why and sometimes if we really are honest if we get really quiet and we you know put ourselves in a safe space because it's really important that you're in a safe space when you're asking yourself these kinds of questions because they are big kind of life altering questions it's really important that you feel like you're being held so when we ask ourselves these questions of like do I actually want this the answer can be surprising it can be scary it can be earth shattering sometimes because sometimes the answer is no and then we have to act accordingly if the answer is no then we need to make shifts and that's where the work really begins to be honest with you and I think that we tend to find ourselves in this situation more often than not because people's personal lives have become public interest and public domain so if we think back to like 20 years ago so when in the early 2000s and everything that was going on with those like those poor teenage girls listen the like the celebrities at the time like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes and Misha Barton and Hilary Duff and all of these girls that were famous at that time and Paris Hilton was another one actually and the things that they were going through in terms of like the paparazzi like upskirting and they were taking photos of them constantly and stalking them and like you know constantly judging the way they looked and the way that they weighed and what they weighed and all of these things and that was very much the culture in the 2000s but the only people that we were watching in the early 2000s were celebrities now it was awful that period of time was I think incredibly dangerous for young women in every sense I think it was dangerous for their like physical well-being I think it was also dangerous for their mental well-being and their emotional spiritual all of it I think it was just straight up dangerous those poor girls how they managed to survive that period of time and we see that some of them did not make it through necessarily super well is really it's incredible because I can't imagine what that would have been like when we where we had a window into like the intimate personal lives of these few of these few people but now we have a window into everyone's life social media has given us a window into the lives of anyone and everyone complete strangers famous people like paparazzi have become somewhat irrelevant now not like irrelevant completely but it's not to the same degree that it was in the early 2000s because everyone is willingly giving us a window into their personal lives they're making themselves more accessible and we are able to see what they're going through and like what their lives look like except are we are we actually seeing what these you know multi-faceted humans are going through or are we only seeing one side of the story and so when we are constantly bombarded with these images of the way that people live whether those be famous people or um you know influencers or whatever and we're constantly being shown these images of like whatever it might be life on the beach really expensive lunches and you know uh designer clothes designer bags and I don't even know what else like and maybe for you it's something totally different maybe you're following influencers that are talking about farm life or van life or whatever when we are constantly being shown these images it can be really inspiring when it's something that we actually want but it can be very confusing if we have leaky boundaries and we are not really clear on what our path is because it can turn into this idea where like the natural progression of your life is that you end up where this person is as opposed to ending up where you most want to be which might be nothing like that right like we are just being shown so many images I think like even just sheer quantity it doesn't matter about quality really we're being shown so many images of what life could be like what life should be like and all of that over time it's inevitable that it has like a psychological influence on us it's inevitable that by seeing these things it makes us kind of mold or shift or change our tastes or or whatever it might be to move in like a different way so I really do want you to keep in mind like these kind of three factors we have like society and cultural influences we have family and friends influence like the influence of family and friends and then the influence of social media in terms of really getting clear on your desires and really asking yourself do I actually want those things okay I don't think I genuinely want a podcast that becomes this like global phenomenon I think I don't know if I'd even be able to handle it to be honest with you now the idea could be that that's a mindset and we could work on that and whatever but I want to be able to record when I want to record and I want to be able to take my mic with me wherever I go in the world and I don't want to necessarily be tied to a studio or a timeline or any of those things so I think that at least for now I'm okay with where things are and how things are unfolding and that's what works best for me and it's what aligns most with my values of living wild free well that is like the the big thing for me right and then this idea of being being low maintenance because like let's cycle back to this for a second I don't I don't even know where to start um the idea of being low maintenance and its value in society especially when it's projected onto women is that of obedience in my opinion it is about making yourself so small that your wants needs and desires just don't matter that's what low maintenance means to me it is revered because when someone is low maintenance it's easy for them to just do what other people want them to do right like there are times think about it there are times when someone asks you a question and like you really don't care about the answer so for example like um oh I have a great personal example actually my friend is coming to Italy to visit me in June and I'm really excited about this trip and while I do not in any way shape or form resonate with the idea of being low maintenance I am not I have no desire to be anymore although I spent a solid 10 years of my life really trying to be that person um I don't resonate with that at all and I don't think that's my natural habitat I don't think that's the space that I typically occupy but she asked me she's like well what do you want to do and where do you want to go and like my answer is genuinely from my heart I don't care I don't care where we go I will go wherever you want to go because I want to be with you and if you decide to go someplace and I change my mind and I don't want to go to that place then like either you can go by yourself or I'll come anyways because what difference does it make to me like it's really just not that big of a deal so there are times where you really are chill and you really are easygoing and you really are go with the flow and low maintenance and that's cool because it's genuine and it's true it is authentic to who you are right and that for me is what wild means wild means this rawness this realness this authenticity where you are able to embody every single aspect of who you are flaws and all the things that you think are not good enough about you when you really embody that that to me is what makes us wild when we are willing to be all of who we are everything that who that we are right and so like there are moments where you know we really don't care but there are times when like maybe somebody asks you a question and it can be a simple one like the one I just posed about like where do you want to go in Italy and maybe you have a genuine opinion or like where do you want to go for dinner for lunch or whatever and maybe you actually have a place that you want to go you know and low maintenance is this idea that has us kind of not expressing our desires not being fully embodied not fully showing up and saying the thing that we want to say because we don't want to be seen as high maintenance because we don't want to be seen as a pain in the ass or picky or needy or whatever the the story is right as opposed to just being like really truly in connection with your desires like and just saying what you want to whatever that thing is you know what I mean and sometimes it takes bravery to say what you want if what you want goes against what society wants for you what other people want for you um like the in terms again of women and I'm saying a lot about women in this in this episode because like I'm speaking to this situation as as a woman um like I have a friend who has known for years that she has not she does not want children like she does not want to have children um and then you know like the universe brought her stepchildren but it was more about like the physical aspect like she knew she never wanted to have like biological children and she's known since she was 16 that this was not the path for her and I remember even when I was younger saying like you know give yourself time like you'll change your mind that was from a time when I did not know better and I would consider that behavior really inappropriate at this stage of the game like I don't think that we should be saying things like that to people because if somebody's telling you their truth who are you to like negate it who are we to go up and say like hey that's not true actually you're probably going to change your mind later and if she did that was fine too but it's not my place to say that if she's decided in what she wants um but she she's known for a really long time and I know that there's a lot of women out there who have decided or have known for a long time that they don't want children and and I would imagine that that is one hell of a burden to be going through because that goes against the value that women hold in society it goes against what society wants us to do as females um in order to like you know that's our own sort of capitalistic way of producing like we produce the workforce so not producing is not a great thing for the society that we live in like not reproducing in this case I mean and so there are some times where like saying the hard thing standing up and saying I don't want kids or I don't want to do that or I don't care if every Tom,

Dick and Harry is working from a beach that's not my bag I want to work from my office like being able to say those kinds of things and really hold true to what we want and who we are is I think it's a it's a bit of a challenge but it's going to tie you to your values in a way that nothing else can if you are able to say this is not mine which is in case you need to a refresher that's also another episode of the podcast it's the first one ever from like 100 years ago um but that's not mine this is not my path that's not what I want it is not aligned with my values and actually here is what I want because you are allowed to say those things out loud and I do think sometimes it is so difficult it is so difficult to just say the thing that we really want you know and it depends on to who our audience is it really depends who we're speaking to and and to that point sometimes sometimes this is another this is a this this topic is like a whole other podcast episode but sometimes people are not worthy of hearing our story so sometimes we need to pick and choose the audience that we're sharing with because not everyone needs to hear what we're going through which is harsh and it sounds brutal but it's really important in terms of protecting your own energy and keeping yourself and your heart and your desires and your dreams safe sometimes we need to pick and choose who we share our hard things with who we share our big things with because not everybody has the capacity to listen to hear them to accept them okay so just to bring this full circle okay whatever it is that you are desiring whatever it is that you are working for and I want you to pay special attention if something right now in your life is feeling off so if you are feeling shaky if you are feeling uncertain if you are feeling unhappy or unfulfilled and you are working towards something and it's not quite coming out the way you want it to it's not quite moving or it doesn't quite feel the way you want it to I want you to really ask yourself do I even want this thing do I even want it because maybe you really don't and I know that that's scary because it is scary I've been there I think I'm in that space in like a in a in a sort of in a way right now it's scary to be there when you have to then maybe backtrack and carve a new path forward or you have to kind of like look over reflect on how you got to the space and then begin making different decisions to get you to where you actually want to be it's easier sometimes to stay in the stuck space but that's not where you belong because you are worthy of so much more you are worthy of every damn thing that you desire and the only thing that is stopping you is believing that that is true right believing honestly that you can have it that you deserve to have it that you're worthy of having it that just because you want it is reason enough and and I know that that can be a big ask everything I'm saying I know it can seem like a really big thing it doesn't necessarily have to be but really starting with analyzing what you're going after and really making sure before you start walking on the path or maybe you're already on the path and that's okay but before you start before you go any farther asking yourself like wait a second do I actually want this thing and it can be anything do I actually want this business do I actually want this lifestyle do I actually want this partner do I actually want to lose the weight do I actually want this dream body do I actually want to work towards that or is somebody else telling me that I should you know do I want to be easygoing do I want to be low maintenance do I want to be more uh do I want to procrastinate less because maybe the way that you move best in the world is when you've got that pressure and you work on something in a really short period of time maybe that's when you create gold right so why do you need to stop being any piece of who you are for somebody else or because of the expectations of a society that you know I don't want to say it doesn't matter but also also you know it doesn't matter in the sense that it doesn't get to dictate what you do with your life you need to be in control you need to decide that for yourself so yeah and then from there if I don't want this thing what do I actually want and there is a scary ass question in and of itself what do I actually want what am I actually moving towards and don't worry don't get tripped up don't get tripped up on the how don't get tripped up on even the what if you can't get there if you don't know what you want I can bet you money that you know how you want to feel so sit there if not what you have now if not the situation that you're in now if not the path that you're walking if not the goal that you're moving towards then how do you want to feel and sometimes the answer is not this great I don't want to feel this super what's the opposite of this what is the opposite of whatever it is that you're going through right now whatever you're working through right working towards right now what is the opposite contrast breeds clarity take the negative excuse me take the negative and transform it into a positive you have that power you have that power take whatever it is that you've got and transform it into what you want and with that I bid you farewell so I hope you found this episode of the podcast useful and helpful and all of that jazz and yeah if you love it please let me know I'd love to hear from you tell me what you liked tell me what you didn't like you know comments critiques concerns all of it drop it in the drop it in the reviews and if you liked it subscribe that would mean the world to me as well and if you want to reach out to me you can find me on like everywhere you can find me everywhere but just reach out even if it's through the comments or whatever tell me what you thought if there's a topic that you want me to cover you know you can drop that in there as well and yeah I hope you have an amazing weekend and I will see you on the next episode of the podcast ciao

Reviews

Thank you for this talk. I will be 60 this year and I don't know what I want for this next chapter. I have no burning desire and it's very concerning as I've always been a go-getter once I've made up my mind & I have no problem being true to myself. I like your idea of noticing how I'm feeling and doing the opposite to propel me in the correct direction... Blessings to you🙏🏽✨💜

Great insight! Thank you, the message so resonated with me. Not only in respect to my short term desires, moreso my bigger picture path, purpose, and true authentic self. The piece on "low maintenance" definitely spoke to me too!

That was amazing. Of all the personal growth, I’ve listened to read, studied what you said resonated with me on how to truly be authentic.

Spot on. 👌🏾
It’s so hard in a society where everyone is telling you who to be and what to want. I thought I was the only one who had these views. So refreshing to find I’m not alone. Now all I got to do is be brave! Thank you ✨

Thank you for this talk .I found it effortless to listen all the way though, I especially can relate with the second half of this talk🙏🏻

I can relate to many of the subjects you touched on, very impactful! Thank you!

Perfect timing ...in my case. But such a valid question. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I like your voice and speech was pleasant and wonderful to hear. I liked this lesson of asking if i really want something. Thank you so much teacher