Tender Revolution Ep. 12: It's Not Yours To Carry

Ancestral trauma impacts our personal lives in ways that we rarely think about. When a destructive pattern just doesn't seem to heal, there's a good chance it has roots in a family shadow. When we realize that it didn't start with us, healing can be complete at last. In this episode, Catherine shares a beautiful example of ancestral healing from a client session, and guides you in uncovering the unseen pain in your lineage that may have shaped your present-day struggle.

Transcript

Welcome to The Tender Revolution. I'm Katherine Liggett. In this very special episode, I'm so excited to share a direction of shadow work that has really shifted how I've approached my own healing and that with everyone I work with. And that is ancestral shadows. Looking into our lineage up to three generations back for clues about the origins of patterns that just don't seem to heal in our lives. And I'll be sharing a truly beautiful client session today with someone I'll call Alice who's an amazing artist and old soul and with her permission I'm very honored to share how this ancestral work has really shifted things for her. I do want to do a trigger warning here that there will be mention of suicide and so keep that in mind if that's part of your history. Alice, The amazing client who I had the honor of working with in this respect came to me desperately wanting to heal this pattern she's experienced for many many years in her life. She was 37, Had been divorced a few years earlier and since then well just in the last two years in fact had lived in 26 different places and wherever she went she seemed to encounter people who she would trust at first and then would reveal themselves as violent and sabotaging and she just could not seem to shake this pattern and she didn't understand why all of the shadow work why all of the healing modalities and energy work and therapy that she'd done for most of her adult life wasn't seeming to help at all and when I looked at her and heard her story something just told me this didn't start with you. We need to look in the lineage for the origin of the shadow in order to heal it and so as Alice spoke about her experiences the phrase I cannot make it came up as something that she kept telling herself I cannot make it and so I asked her if there's anyone in her lineage up to about three generations back who said this to themselves whose life was defined by this phrase I cannot make it and that's when she told me that she'd never made this connection before but that her maternal grandmother had committed suicide in fact when her mother was just four years old and that after that happened her mother as she put it wandered aimlessly in the woods without support without anyone without a home when Alice made that connection it was like her whole body shifted and a lightness came over her the answer to the prayers of so many years of desperate seeking for healing and an open door that there was a way forward that wasn't as hard as the ruthless excavating work she'd been doing on herself trying to find the origin of this pain so what we did to work with us at first is just really breathe into how that realization was reverberating in every cell of her body because when we realize that it's not just us it's a visceral impact because oftentimes the stories that we've told ourselves and the shame that we have brought upon ourselves to deeper and deeper try and heal what seems unhealable has been so heavy that when it lifts it can be shaking it can be twitching it can just be this feeling of a burden lifted I asked Alice to place her hands on her heart and close her eyes and just breathe as she experienced the waves that this knowing created in her body and as she did that we talked about home and how home is the mother home is the womb and that she had for five months as an egg in her mother's body actually inhabited the body of her grandmother her DNA had been imprinted by her grandmother's energy by her emotions by her life in an extremely real direct way so Alice's seeming inability to find a home for herself was a mirror of her motherlessness and the part of her that kept attracting the sabotage situations that turned into violence was a part of her that wished to obliterate herself and this is something that she confided in me about the thoughts of suicide had visited her although she had dismissed them because she didn't know where they came from but there was something in her that desired obliteration but the truth was it wasn't actually hers so sitting with Alice just holding our hearts and breathing letting this all in I asked her to allow this question to reverberate in her body and that is what if this isn't mine what if none of this has ever been mine and the vibration of that question sent waves through her body and tears started streaming down her face with hands on her heart I guided Alice to tell herself I am here for you I am here for you in so doing coming home to the unconditional cherishing mother within Alice's question at the end of our session was well what what do I do with us what do I do now I've lived my life with the identity of a woman without a home my answer was keep breathing take it one moment one day at a time trust that the seed has been planted and keep turning inward toward the home that's right here with the faith that this home within will result in a home externally in the right time because what is internal does become what is external for today's exploration I want to invite you to grab a pen and a piece of paper if that's available to you where you are we're going to be doing some free writing and inquiry into our own ancestral patterns of pain and this exercise is inspired by the family constellations modality of ancestral trauma healing specifically out of a book called it didn't start with you by Mark Wolin so whether you're going to be writing this down or just thinking of it in your head take a moment now to center yourself take some deep breaths and feel the surface that supports you bring to mind your chief complaint the thing that keeps coming up for you maybe a pattern that's unhealable something that you've run up against again and again in your life maybe relational maybe with your health anything and start writing or thinking now without censoring yourself about that problem right or think specifically about what do you want to see shift don't edit yourself and write down or think about anything that feels important you if nothing seems to come to you or you want to look at this from a slightly different direction than answer this question if this symptom condition or situation never went away what would you be most afraid of what would happen to you what is your worst fear of what could happen to you if this never went away keep writing or thinking this through writing whatever comes up take as much time as you need here also if that means pausing this right now once you have words down on a page or clearly in your mind scan them now with an objective I just look at now or listen to yourself and look for words that might not feel like yours that seem a little out of place it might be something like then I would die like something that wouldn't be a rational outcome perhaps of the situation never-ending or I would disappear or I want to hide or run away something like that when you feel like you've identified some language that feels like it might not be yours I'd like you now to consider if there's anyone in your lineage up to three generations back whose life seemed to revolve around this phrase thinking especially about early deaths suicides family members who were left out excluded somehow these tend to be the people whose legacy lives on in the pain of future generations especially when the death or the exclusion wasn't talked about wasn't metabolized so just consider that for yourself is there anyone whose words these could be take some deep breaths here as you let in whatever is coming to you right now noticing if there is an impact on your body shaking feeling of waves or release as you might be coming to realize that the pain you've been fighting for so long may not have started with you at all perhaps you feel a lightness coming over you a freedom of burden if you find it mystifying or unclear who this could have been something you can do is to draw out your family tree and write down next to each individual the problems that they had the the traumas that they faced in their life and then take it all in and consider again is your core language that you found that might not be yours belonging instead to any of these people continuing to breathe with whatever you've discovered today we're going to start to emerge again from this short but perhaps quite potent exploration taking deep breaths bringing yourself out and seeing the room around you looking around orienting yourself and arriving with eyes open I would be so fascinated to hear if any of you feel called to send me a message or an email about how this landed with you today and if you discovered that your pain might not start with you thank you all so much

Reviews

This is an amazing talk that is making me look at a different approach to my healing journey.
My aunt on my mothers side wrote her memoir in her 90’s. She wrote about her father who I never met. All these years it never occurred to me that my choices in life might be influenced by an ancestor I never met.
It’s like blinders that I did not realize I was wearing were suddenly removed.
Thank you Catherine for your kind and gentle insight. You’re making a difference for me 💖🙏

My journaling session brought me to tears, and I realized that my family history of Judaism was that you have to assimilate to survive - you can’t be true to yourself and thrive - I’ve been working to un conver money blocks for years - and I’ve refused to let my ego lead my life professionally but feel like that’s the only way to get ahead, and felt stuck because of it. Thank you so much. This was so beautiful.

Every single one of your tracks are and have been impacting me deeply. This resonated so much ... I thank you so much for your generosity in sharing this.

Wonderful insight into the actual origins of my pain and another reason to believe I am not at fault. Thank you. ❣️

I am left speechless at how powerful this was for me.