Do you ever wonder when you started saying to yourself, “I’m not good enough”?
Psychology can often trace low self-esteem back to childhood. The experience of being bullied or made fun of leave imprints that show up to this day.
Recently I learned of my own imprint by reconnecting with a childhood bully. I’ll preface by saying, I’m lucky, I had it mostly good in school, and fit in with everyone.
However, there was one kid from 6-9th grade who made my life miserable. He knocked my books out of my hands, called me derogatory names, he even peed in my shoes!
When these experiences happen, we find ways to cope. For me, that meant trying to hide and avoid conflict at all costs.
Lucky for me, he left town when I was 15, and I hoped to never hear from him again.
Fast forward over 15 years later…I get a friend request on Facebook. Guess who it’s from?
That’s right!
The moment I see his name, I become 14-year-old Lou. My heart speeds, my body tightens, my fear is palpable. I literally think that if I don’t accept his friend request, he’ll find where I live and come beat me up!
Needing space, I closed my computer and relaxed. As I reflected, I became fascinated by how deep this feeling was in my subconscious. All it took was one red dot to bring a flood of emotions back into awareness.
The choice I made as a child is, “It’s safer to back down from conflict.” To this day, I have a hard time standing up to someone with firm beliefs.
It made me think about subtler ways this feeling has manifested throughout my life. I wondered how many times I was in a room where someone acted like my bully, and I projected a fearful 14-year-old Lou.
After this experience, I did some powerful enactment work with a coach. I was able to talk to the bully from my wiser, more mature self, and tell him what I wished I had the courage to say back then.
The coach then challenged me to message him on Facebook and stand my ground in real life, to tell him how he made me feel and the consequences of his actions.
I had HUGE resistance to this, but I pushed through and wrote the message. For days, I nervously awaited a reply. I was afraid the bully would respond as his 14-year old self; angry and with fierce defiance.
His actual response shocked me. He apologized for his actions, and to my surprise, never knew the suffering he caused. He shared how difficult his life has been, and believed he was paying the price for his past actions.
Reaching out to him shifted something in me. It connected me to a greater depth of inner strength. I made a new belief that “It’s safe to stand in my power.” The empowering belief is already showing benefits.
While we all can’t pinpoint the moment we gave our power away, we can still work to take it back. The good news is we don’t have to do it alone.
Having a coach or mentor there for support is crucial. These mentors can be people we know, or they can be what connects us to something greater.
Here is a guided visualization you can do to help stand in your power and heal your relationship with a past bully. Standing In Your Power is a meditation to help connect you to both a mentor and your strength:
- Standing In Your Power Lou Redmond 31:40
I hope you find the benefits just as satisfying as me.
With Love & Strength,
Lou
