This is a safe space to settle,
To turn in.
Pull in a deep and cleansing breath and exhale.
Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Welcome to a hit of hope.
I recently had a hard conversation with someone I love dearly,
And I don't think my best self showed up.
So the shame monster,
Which has been relatively quiet for some time,
Woke up with a ferocious roar and began to do what it does best.
Tear me to shreds.
I happened to be reading about dragonflies at the same time,
And I read about how a long time ago parents would call them devil's needles and threaten their kids that these things would come and sew their mouths shut if they didn't behave.
At that moment when my best self didn't show up,
I would have welcomed a devil's needle to come and stitch my lips together,
Because I was sure the answer was I should never say another thing ever.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I hate to admit how quickly and deeply this monster tore into me.
I was in the acidy pit of its stomach,
Roiling.
Have you ever felt that?
Have you ever wanted to curl in and hide behind a shell,
Never daring to come back out again?
Inhale.
Exhale.
I decided to take a bath and pick up Watership Down,
A book of fiction about rabbits.
I've been reading it for a while,
But for some reason I'd put it down,
And it had been weeks since I'd looked at it.
But this was one of those inexplicable moments.
And what I was reading was exactly what I needed to hear,
Right when I needed to hear it.
In the scene I was reading as I took my bath,
A rabbit goes down to make a deal with the Black Rabbit,
Who I think could be a stand-in for the devil.
This rabbit has a noble purpose.
He is doing this deal to save his people.
So the rabbit makes first this wager,
Then that one with the Black Rabbit.
And this rabbit keeps failing.
As a result,
First he loses his tail and his whiskers,
Then his ears.
He finally realizes,
And I quote,
These shadows had no power either to send him away or to hurt him,
Except with his own consent.
Inhale.
Exhale.
We all know real things can do all kinds of good and bad.
But the shadows,
The not-really-theirs,
The could-be's,
The should-have-beens,
The what-ifs,
Have no power to hurt us,
Except with our own consent.
Had I messed up?
Probably.
But according to what has happened since,
Not as much as I thought I had.
Am I human?
Definitely.
Will I do my best to do better next time?
You can be damn sure.
The shadows can win,
But only if we give them power,
Only if we consent to letting ourselves be torn to shreds.
Inhale.
Exhale.
This reminds me of another book that I love,
East of Eden.
And one of the big lessons in that book is,
Thou mayest.
What does that mean?
Life presents you with all kinds of opportunities,
All kinds of choices.
Thou mayest choose to hide.
Thou mayest choose to risk.
Thou mayest choose to seek,
To settle,
To speak,
To stay silent.
The book doesn't say this,
But I think what is also true is,
Thou will.
You are human,
So thou will love.
Thou will hurt.
Thou will be hurt.
Thou will succeed.
Thou will fail.
And in all of those,
Thou wills.
Thou mayest.
Thou mayest stay down and defeated.
Thou mayest rise.
Thou mayest try again and fail again and live and laugh and cry and shine.
Inhale thou will.
Exhale thou mayest.
Inhale the shadows can only defeat you with your consent.
Exhale get back up again and try and fail and love and fail and try and love and shine.
Inhale exhale live light.
