The Seven Pillars Of Mindful Parenting, Pillars 1-3

How can we approach our parenting with more mindfulness, stability, clarity, and strength? This talk discusses the first three of seven pillars to get there - practicing acceptance of our humanity, exploring anger and repair, and using our intuition. The first of a two-part series.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Kelly Johnson and I'm a mindfulness meditation teacher.

I'm also the parent of two boys with autism and ADHD.

I want to talk to you today about mindful parenting and seven pillars to focus on as you embark on your journey to be a more mindful parent.

Notice I did not say better parent or perfect parent.

I'm simply talking about using what we already know about mindfulness to create more spaciousness,

Self-compassion,

And contentment in our parenting journeys.

So what is mindful parenting?

Let's start with the definition of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is commonly defined as being in the present moment and seeing what arises with curiosity and without judgment.

Using this definition,

We can define mindful parenting as noticing the thoughts,

Feelings,

Behavioral patterns,

And reactions to our children with a sense of openness and self-compassion.

We understand our innate humanity and don't strive to be any certain way but our authentic selves.

After all,

That is what everyone around us,

Including our children,

Gravitate toward.

We will make mistakes,

Many of them.

We will react in ways in which we will feel guilty and a need to make amends.

But with this,

We will very likely realize that we're doing a better job than we ever realized.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

I'm sure you've heard that many times.

But I want you to truly think about this concept for a moment.

It's a 24-hour-a-day,

Seven-day-a-week job for at least 18 years.

There are no breaks.

There is no manual,

Despite the plethora of books out there,

Many of which are helpful guides.

And the job feels so high stakes because it is.

You have created a human being that you have to raise to be a productive and giving member of society.

It is the most personal and meaningful endeavor you will ever embark on.

I want you to take a deep breath and really absorb this for a moment.

Not to add any pressure,

But to give yourself more compassion in this journey.

It's a lot.

And if your child or children have special needs,

It can feel like even more.

Let's take a moment of grounding before we dive into the first three of the seven pillars of mindful parenting.

Take a few deep breaths.

In through the nose for four seconds.

And out through the mouth for six seconds.

Fill your feet on the ground.

Your bottom sitting or lying down wherever you are.

And your entire body in this present moment.

Place one hand on your heart space and remind yourself that you are perfectly imperfect and the right parent for your child or children.

And the right parent for your child or children.

Our first pillar of mindful parenting is that of practicing acceptance of our humanity.

Acceptance is defined as accepting reality as it is in this present moment without necessarily liking it or condoning it.

I certainly wish I was a perfect parent who made no mistakes.

I'm sure you have felt that way as well.

But the reality is that we are going to make numerous mistakes over the course of our parenting journey.

There will be times that we might feel immense guilt or even shame at the way that we have reacted towards our children.

I know I've been there many times before.

It can be a sad and very lonely place.

But if we choose to accept that this is part of the parenting and life process rather than striving to be perfect,

We can greatly reduce our emotional suffering and can mindfully learn from our mistakes and start to change some of those patterns and patterns of behavior that we notice occurring over and over again.

We can see these mistakes as soil and fertilizer to grow something new and even better.

Our second pillar is exploring anger and using this emotion as a productive rather than destructive tool in our parenting.

The Oxford Dictionary defines anger as,

Quote,

A strong feeling of annoyance,

Displeasure,

Or hostility,

End quote.

Unless you're a robot,

These feelings will come up from time to time in your parenting journey.

Anger often gets a bad reputation.

I want to remind you that anger in and of itself is not a bad feeling.

It's defined as a negative emotion,

But that simply means the feeling alerts us to some perceived threat.

It's how we respond to feelings of anger that can either be productive or destructive.

When feelings of annoyance,

Displeasure,

Or hostility arise toward your children,

Where do you feel it in your body?

The chest?

Shoulders?

Head?

Or somewhere else?

Regularly doing mindfulness practices,

Such as a body scan,

Can help us better tap in to our children's emotions.

Once we are aware of that,

We could start to make plans to either more productively communicate our anger to our children or simply take a time out when we realize we're feeling overwhelmed.

Many experts say that one of the greatest mistakes in modern parenting is that children are not aware of their own emotions.

Remember,

Our children need to see these feelings as normal and model how to resolve them in healthy ways.

One of the healthiest acts to model is that of repair.

Sometimes you will catch your anger on the front end and be able to fix it later on.

Sometimes you will catch it on the back end and be able to fix it later on.

Sometimes you will catch your anger on the front end and be able to diffuse it before things get out of hand.

Sometimes you won't.

It's not about never getting angry.

But if you can return to your child after the incident where you lose your cool and explain what made you angry,

Why it made you angry,

And what you can do differently next time,

It can be a powerful teaching tool for them to use as they grow.

Let's remember that,

In the end,

We're not raising children,

We're raising adults.

Our third pillar of mindful parenting is that of using our intuition.

In this day and age of endless information,

Conflicting messages,

And societal expectations that place an immense amount of pressure on us as parents,

It can be easy to ignore our instincts.

I want to remind you that,

Other than your children themselves,

That you are the expert of them and know them better than anyone else.

A helpful way to think about intuition is by thinking of the concept of love versus fear.

We all know that feeling when we have a decision to make,

That buzzing,

Racing feeling in our heads where we debate with ourselves back and forth in deciding what to do.

If we're making decisions to please others,

Avoid discomfort,

Or avoid being wrong,

We're operating out of fear.

When I speak of love,

I'm not speaking about it in the romantic sense.

I'm simply speaking about that feeling of contentment and spaciousness within your heart space when you know that what you're about to do is the right thing to do.

It can be hard to define in words,

But we know it when we feel it.

And mindfulness can certainly help us with this.

Thank you for joining me today.

I hope you'll come back to hear more about Pillars 4 through 7 whenever you're able.

Remember,

First and foremost,

Be kind to yourselves and each other.