The Seven Pillars Of Mindful Parenting, Pillars 4-7

Part two of two in this series. We will explore the final four pillars of mindful parenting - releasing your fears and guilt, filling your cup, learning from your children, and finding your tribe outside your tribe. It's recommended you listen to pillars 1-3 (part one of two) prior to this talk.

Transcript

Hi,

My name is Kelly Johnson,

And I'm a Certified Mindfulness Meditation Teacher and Licensed Mental Health Counselor.

Today,

I'll be discussing Parts 4 through 7 of the 7 Pillars of Mindful Parenting.

If you haven't already listened to Parts 1 through 3 of this series,

I'd encourage you to go listen to that prior to listening to this one,

As this recording will likely then make more sense to you.

Let's start today by reviewing the definition of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is commonly defined as being in the present moment and seeing what arises with curiosity and without judgment.

Using this definition,

We can define mindful parenting as noticing the thoughts,

Feelings,

Behavioral patterns,

And reactions to our children with a sense of openness and self-compassion.

We understand our innate humanity and don't strive to be any certain way but our authentic selves.

Let's take a moment of grounding before we dive into the next four pillars of mindful parenting.

Let's take a few deep breaths,

In through the nose for four seconds,

And out through the mouth for six seconds.

And now doing a few more cycles of breath on your own.

The fourth pillar of mindful parenting is that of releasing our fears and guilt.

First,

I want to normalize both of these feelings occurring often within our parenting journey.

Parenting for most of us is the most important job we will ever undertake.

It's natural to feel fear and worry for the well-being and safety of our children.

But if our fear turns into overwhelming anxiety that impairs our ability to function as the parents we want to be,

It becomes problematic.

How do we conquer fear?

First,

We mindfully and compassionately acknowledge its presence.

We spend so much time resisting our negative emotions that we fail to realize this resistance actually leads to more suffering.

Like life,

It's important we realize that our parenting journey and the journeys of our children are full of ups and downs,

Wonderful times and hardships.

We can also mindfully conquer our parenting fears by remembering our third pillar,

That of using our intuition.

We need to accept the fact that we will make mistakes,

Many times,

And these mistakes can be the fertilizer to grow something even better if we choose to see it that way.

Now let's talk about guilt.

We all know the common phrase,

Mom guilt,

But I believe this feeling is normal for parents of any gender.

Guilt is a feeling of anxiety or unhappiness that can occur when someone believes they have done something wrong or violated moral standards.

But how many times as parents have we felt guilty when,

In fact,

We really haven't done anything wrong?

Let me give you an example.

I often feel guilty for telling my son I'm not going to play with him when I have other tasks I need to get done,

Even though I've already played with him and spent quality time with him earlier.

In being mindful and self-aware,

I can ask myself,

Where does this guilt come from?

Is it my own expectations,

Society's expectations?

Are my guilty thoughts and feelings even truthful or helpful?

What would my wisest self or someone who really cared about me tell me right now?

With mindfulness,

I can come to a wiser determination that,

Even if I feel somewhat bad or uncomfortable for saying no,

That I've not done anything wrong and,

In fact,

May have also set appropriate boundaries.

Children need to learn to entertain themselves and be more independent.

And the reality is that,

As parents,

We all have a litany of tasks that need to get through,

That we need to get through on a given day.

We can say no and navigate through the inherent discomfort and still realize we are doing what's best for ourselves and,

Ultimately,

Our families as well.

Our fifth pillar of mindful parenting is that of filling our cup.

No,

I don't mean a literal cup of your beverage of choice.

What I'm talking about is filling our wellness cup.

We often think of our physical wellness but may not be considering other areas as well.

Filling our physical wellness cup with getting enough sleep,

Eating right,

And exercising is absolutely vital to helping us be more mindful and happier parents and people.

But have you considered other facets of wellness?

Has your emotional health,

Your ability to handle stress,

Feel capable,

And experience love and joy?

How is your environmental wellness?

Are you contributing to your community and world outside of your family?

Are you recycling and making food choices that show stewardship of the environment?

What about your intellectual wellness?

How are you doing with time management,

Goal setting,

Preparing for things that you need to do?

There's also occupational wellness.

This can include improving on things such as your worth ethic,

Certifications,

Or just tapping into your interests and abilities.

You may also think of spiritual wellness.

Are you living a life that is congruent with your values and ethics?

Are you finding spiritual fulfillment either through religion or any other way that helps you feel more connected to the world around you?

How is your financial wellness?

Could you mindfully track your expenses a little more or gain tools to build financial literacy?

Finally,

Think about your social wellness.

Are you investing in relationships through family,

Friends,

Clubs,

Work,

Or other organizations?

Now,

I'm not implying that we need to be focusing on all these facets of wellness at the same time.

But in thinking of your own mental health and wellness,

Is there one area that you could set to be more of a priority?

How could you approach improving this area in a mindful way?

And remember,

When our cups are full,

We're more able to fill the cups of our children and loved ones.

Our sixth pillar of mindful parenting is learning from our children,

Though it's important to guide our children and teach them discipline.

We also need to stop at times and remember what they are teaching us.

I want to encourage you to take a few mindful moments,

Even if you pause this talk,

And reflect on the lessons you've learned since being a parent.

This is especially important in the days where the job feels particularly fruitless.

For me,

My children certainly have taught me to be more patient.

They've also taught me the power of validating their feelings,

Which has actually helped me become a more compassionate counselor and mindfulness meditation teacher.

I've learned no two days are the same,

Which reinforces what the Buddha taught about the reality of impermanence.

The warm and fuzzy moments unfortunately do not last forever,

But neither do the hardest of times.

Above all,

I've learned that if I stick with my intention of showing my kids love and setting boundaries that everything will be okay in the end.

My mindfulness meditation practices help me gain much more of a sense of equanimity and resilience that helps me ride the waves of this parenting journey.

You may be feeling really stuck with one of your children,

Or even as a parent in general.

I want to remind you this is normal and okay.

It can help to ask yourself in these moments,

What are the lessons to be learned here?

This can help us gain more of a sense of empowerment and help us feel less trapped in the belief that our circumstances are beyond our control.

Finally,

Our seventh pillar is finding your tribe outside your tribe.

What do I mean by this?

Simply that we need to find connections with others outside of our family unit.

Our immediate family can and should be the foundation of our life.

It's also easy to develop burnout,

Anxiety,

And depression if we're not connecting and receiving support from others.

Sometimes the support simply means having fun with friends.

It can also include engaging in hobbies or interests with a club,

Joining a support group to feel less alone,

Get some advice,

And have some space away from the stressors of parenting.

As we get older,

We often tell ourselves that it becomes harder and harder to connect with others,

Or that we don't have the time.

Barriers aside,

I want to encourage you that it is possible to build your tribe.

This teaches us to have compassion with the vulnerability it takes to meet someone new and try to form new connections.

Social media and a simple internet search can be a great way to start looking for new opportunities.

You may not even need to leave your house.

It may also just be a matter of calling that friend or asking that co-worker to coffee.

Individuals already in your support system may have advice or ideas that turn out to be invaluable.

We often fear the criticism that comes with reaching out for help.

In my experience,

I have found that people actually gravitate and really appreciate this authenticity.

You may realize others are feeling more alone than you had originally thought.

We were meant to be in community.

I hope that you have found this talk helpful,

And I look forward to answering any questions or insights that you may have in the comments.

Thank you for being in this community with me.

Be well.