When It's Hard to Do Things

Do you ever stare at a screen instead of doing the thing you need to do, and then feel bad about it? A student who struggled with everyday tasks like dishes and taxes tried a different approach to scolding herself: making friends with the part of her that was not doing them. Ann gives the steps: say "something in me doesn't want to do it and I'm saying hello to that," feel it in your body, and listen respectfully without trying to change it. She is clear that this takes time and is not a quick fix. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one-to-one professional care.

Transcript

I didn't see him! I have a question for you. Do you ever find it hard to do things? Like ever play games or stare at a screen instead of getting up and doing what you need to do. And do you then feel bad about yourself over that? Well, That was what happened with my student Lola. Doing anything was a struggle. For her, Washing her dishes. Felt like a big effort. Weeding the garden got put off again and again. And doing her taxes, Oh my gosh, That was a truly monumental task. Lola would make a plan to do something, Let's say the taxes, And tell herself she really had to do it. Time was running out. The consequences of not doing it were dire. What's wrong with you, She'd say to herself. Come on, It's no big deal. Just do it. But it didn't happen. Dishes piled up, The weeds threatened to overgrow the garden, And the taxes just sat there not being done. Now most people try to shame and blame themselves, Like Lola did, When they get stuck with an action block like this. But I have a radical approach. I believe in making friends with the part of you that doesn't do the thing. That's right, When you don't do something and you need to do it, You can say that there's a part of you that doesn't do it. That's a wild idea. Maybe it's a little hard to get your head around that. I remember when I said to Lola, Maybe we can say it's a part of you that isn't doing your taxes. She looked at me like I'd grown a second head. But. . . Then she paused. And she sort of got an inward look in her eyes and she said, Yeah, It's me. It's resisting. Wow, This is a big step, A huge step to go from, I'm not doing my taxes to, Yeah, It's resisting. Because look what has just become possible. Lola can say hello to the part of her that's resisting, Then she can get curious about what's going on for this part of her. What makes it feel like it has to resist doing the dishes, The gardening, The cooking. And do you know what she found out? This part of her felt like it was always doing things it had to do. And it could never just be free. OK, Now the next step is really important. I remember at that point, Lola looked at me like, What do I say to it now? And I said, OK, Now. Just let it know you hear it. And Lola asked me, Don't I need to tell it that it has to do the taxes whether it wants to or not? Actually, No. When the resistant part feels heard and lets go, You will do the taxes, Not a part of you. Trust me. And that's what happened for Loma. Oh, Not instantly. Not overnight. It took some time. Weeks. A month. Or two, Building a compassionate relationship with the part of her that wasn't doing anything because it wanted to be free. A month or two really? Well, That's right. What I'm showing you today is not a quick fix. It's a lifelong shift. In how joyfully and effectively you live your life. Considering that Lola had been stuck for years and years not being able to do things. I think a month or two is pretty good. You know, Recently I got an email from Lola saying, This week, I've washed dishes several times without special thought or effort. I've cleaned the bathrooms, I've weeded part of the garden, And my life right now is much less stressful than it has been for years. Nice, Huh? Oh, And by the way, The taxes got done, Too. If you aren't doing something you need to do, Here are the steps. One, Use this language. Something in me doesn't want to do it, And I'm saying hello to that. Two. See if you can feel it in your body. Is it resisting? Sad? Hiding? Sense how it feels from its point of view. Three, Respectfully listen to what it feels without trying to change it. And then, Rather than fighting with yourself, Just be curious about whether you will do the action. And how it will feel when you do. When you can be a respectful listener to every part of yourself inside, You're growing your ability to be bigger than all of your feelings and parts. And that gives you a calmer, More effective, And more peaceful life.