When All You Can Do Is Wait

What is the hardest situation for you to stay peaceful in? For many of us, it is waiting on something important that we cannot control. A student waiting for medical test results used three steps: get bigger than the feeling by saying "something in me feels terrified," connect with that part by saying "Hello, I know you're there" (with a hand where you feel it), and listen for what is making it feel so bad. You will hear why feelings often get stronger before they ease, and why that is normal. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one-on-one professional care.

Transcript

Here's a question for you. What's the hardest situation for you to be peaceful in? When someone's confronting you. When a deadline is looming? When you call a meeting and half the people are late, Well, Those are tough. But for a lot of people, And me too, One of the most challenging times to be peaceful is when Something out of my control is happening. And it's important to me. But all I can do is wait. When I'm at the airport and they announce the plane is delayed? And I don't know if they mean delayed delayed or. This flight is actually canceled, But we're not telling you yet, Delayed. And there's nothing I can do. But there is actually something you can do. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. To do that. I'm gonna tell you the story of my student, Sarah. Who found herself needing to have some scary medical tests. She was having some symptoms and. . . You know how it is. It could have been nothing. And it could have been the worst, Like cancer or something like that. Her doctor was reassuring, But Sarah couldn't relax while waiting for the test results to come back. Her mind was full of scary stories. What if this happens? What if I have to quit work? Who will take care of my kids? Etc. It went on and on. Sarah found her heart rate increasing, And there was still no sign of a heart attack. Tension all through our body. And then she would tell herself to relax and to stop being so anxious. That really didn't help either. And then. . . Sarah remembered something she learned from me. Three steps that you can use when something's going on. That brings up intensely uncomfortable feelings. Number one. Get bigger than the feelings by saying, Something in me feels that way. Something in me is terrified that I have a scary illness and I won't be here for my kids anymore. Two, Connect compassionately with the part of you that feels that way. Often, We try to push away our uncomfortable feelings, Or we try to talk ourselves out of them, But they're here for a reason, And besides. They just get stronger if we try to push them away. So instead of fighting with the feeling, Say to it, Hello, I know you're there. And you can put one and two together as in. Something in me is terrified that I have a scary illness and I won't be here for my kids anymore. And I am saying, Hello, I know you're there. You can also put your hand on your heart or anywhere on your body where the feeling is strongest. To really communicate that you're wanting to be kind and compassionate to the part of you that's feeling that way. Okay, And three. Listen. Listen to that part that's feeling that way because there may be something more there. Something essential that's making this feel so bad. And when you hear that, The whole thing may release, Or at least relax a little. Well, At first Sarah wasn't sure that any of this would help. She was doubtful. The feelings of terror were so strong. But she decided to give it a try anyway. What did she have to lose? So she set aside some time. She sat down and got in touch with the feeling here now. Yes, It was terror, A kind of clenching terror in her gut. And she said, Something in me feels terrifying. And the clenching actually got stronger. Uh-oh. Well, Then she remembered how I had told her this is quite normal. At first. When our feelings know we're listening to them, They often get stronger. So she went on. She said a kind and compassionate hello to the part of her that was clenching in terror. She felt it so strongly in her gut, It felt really right to let her hand go there. Hello, I know you're there. And now she did feel. Just a bit of relief. A bit of a deeper breath. Okay? And now the final step, Which was to be the listener to this part of her that was so terrifying. There was something that was getting it this terrifying. Sarah remembered not to try to guess what that was or assume she knew. This is the moment in the focusing process when we allow the feeling itself to speak. It may not speak in words. It may show images or memories. But it will express itself somehow. If we invite it to. And if we're patient. So she asked him. What's getting you so terrified? Very gently and kindly. And then she waited. It takes patience. And then, Wow, She saw an image of her grandmother, Who had died of cancer when Sarah was very young. Little Sarah had not been supposed to see her grandmother that way. The kids were supposed to be protected from contact with someone dying. But Sarah did get a glimpse of her grandmother looking weak and helpless. And she'd forgotten all about it. But this part of her clenched in terror, Waiting for the results of the medical test. It carried the memory. You didn't want her. To ever be like that, Weak and helpless and needing to be hidden away from sight. So she let it know, She heard it. Very kindly and compassionately she heard that terrified part of her, As if it were the young Sarah inside. Still scared at the way serious illness was treated back then. And the feeling in her body settled. It calmed. It unclenched. Sarah could take a deep breath. Waiting for the results of the test wasn't so hard anymore. She could go about her life with more calm. Oh, And by the way, Sarah's tests came out fine. It was nothing serious. But you know what? If she had had the scariest result, This ability to be present to her stressful feelings would have carried her through the procedures and the treatments and the hair falling out. And whatever else she needed to think. So what were those three steps again? One. Get bigger than the stressful feeling by saying, Something in me feels that way. Something inmate is upset about how long this is. Connect compassionately with the part of you that feels that way. Say to it, Hello, I know you're there. And maybe put a gentle hand wherever you're feeling it the strongest. And three, Listen to that part that's feeling that way. Allow it to let you know what's bothering it so much. We can't take for granted that we know the reasons for how we're feeling. Instead, We respect our feelings for having some good reason to be there. And what's the most powerful way to show respect? That's right, Listening. When you listen to your feelings, They don't always speak in words, But they're very willing to communicate with you. And when they do, And when you listen, The result is more calm. More inner strength. And a greater sense that you are in charge of your life. Isn't that beautiful?