Origins Of The Ego - The Ego Project Podcast

The Ego Project - Hosted by Cristine Seidell BSEd, MA, LPC, CCH, and author and editor Lisa Heidle, explores how the healthy and wounded ego informs and impacts our relationship with self and others. Through candid conversation, thoughtful questions, and personal experiences, Cristine and Lisa explore therapeutic and spiritual modalities that can lead to healing, growth, and self-actualization.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Lisa Heidel.

And I'm Christine Seidel.

And we are The Ego Project.

We are bringing you a conversation about the ego and with all things ego.

We're discussing today the origins of the wounded ego.

I am an author and entrepreneur as well as a seeker.

And so Christine is going to answer a lot of questions.

And Christine,

Can you tell a little bit about yourself?

Absolutely.

So I'm a licensed professional counselor and entrepreneur as well.

And really an inner child ego seeker,

Solver,

Healer,

Really.

So that's kind of where this all is leading to is the therapeutic and spiritual components of the ego.

OK,

Great.

I'm very excited about today because so many questions that I've received from people who've been listeners and watching the videos and reaching out is about where does the ego wound originate.

And so we're going to delve into that today.

And that is our first question.

Where does most ego wounding originate?

Well,

I mean,

What's so complex about the ego is that it really didn't originate with us when we were born.

So when we were created,

When breath was spoken into existence and we were created and our identity was spoken into us,

We were only that of flow and alignment.

So we were only beauty and goodness and greatness.

And so the ego came about back in childhood.

So as we came into existence and we were born,

Some of us were very fortunate to be in some very secure families with parents that had already done their healing works or caregivers that had already done their healing work.

And they were able to show up and really see and reflect to the child goodness and beauty and identity.

But the rest of us,

That's a really small population that really got to experience that secure family.

Some of us were born into families that had not done their own healing work.

And we had parents and caregivers that had still their own stuff that was brewing under the surface,

Whether they were just kind of self involved or they projected some judgment or they were dismissive.

We did not have our egos until we were told that there was something bad about us or something that wasn't lovable or worthy or tolerated.

So the ego wounding occurs really in childhood.

And it occurs really as soon as the parent or the caregiver reflects something to the child that is not good.

And this can even be in infancy.

So a lot of studies are done on parent-child reflection.

So an infant will oftentimes use crying or fussing in order to get its needs met.

So if a parent or caregiver reflects back to the infant,

Even just a flat affect of nothingness,

That infant will kind of create some issues with itself and try to self-regulate.

So really,

The wounded ego happens in childhood.

And we can think a lot about really kind of before fourth grade is really where we started,

We kind of knew ourselves,

Like what was really our true self.

But we started getting messages right around that time of something else.

So really,

The ego is formed in those early childhood experiences where our true self,

That truest self that we could probably talk about in another podcast that really is kind of like divine.

It's really the connection to our creator,

Whatever that is to you.

That true self is told it's not good and worthy and lovable in either blatantly being told or in the lack of any kind of needs being met.

Thank you.

So for clarity,

Let me make sure I understand this correctly.

So we are born with a healthy ego.

It exists inside of us.

And it is that aspect of us that helps us engage with the world and other people and in relationship.

And it's healthy.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Correct.

And as we interact with the world and the people in the world,

If they do something,

Let's,

As you use such a great example as an infant crying,

If that infant's needs are not met,

They will either cry more or they will stop crying.

They'll stop.

They'll learn that their needs are not important.

And that is where wounding happens,

Right there.

Yeah,

Right there.

Yeah.

Right in when they have a need that is not met.

A healthy need that's not met.

Right,

Yes,

Absolutely.

Our emotional needs,

Right?

So that's where really,

I mean,

If we're talking about abuse and neglect where our physical needs aren't met,

We're talking about a whole other layer of dysregulated living,

Right?

I mean,

We're talking about some significant mental health issues,

Right,

And physical issues.

But when our emotional needs aren't met,

Right?

And that is to be seen and to be heard and to know that we are loved and worthy.

And that reflected into us that we are that as we are,

Right?

Not that we have to be something else.

That is where the wounding happens.

And oftentimes,

It's with phrases like,

Why are you so sensitive?

Or you need to stop crying.

Or any kind of dismissive or blatant,

Passive,

Judgmental phrase or the lack of anything.

It could be sharing something with somebody,

A caregiver,

Like,

Look what I found.

And it just being like,

That's nice,

Right?

And then not really giving the time to attend to a child's excitement.

It's just part of its spontaneity and just ornateness is really where that wounding occurs,

Whether it's very obvious or whether it's very passive is where that wounding occurs.

Yeah.

I watched a video recently,

And it was very well done.

Therapist was giving some direction of what was happening in the video to cause some wounding.

And it was a parent just spraying a child with water on their hair.

And the child said,

Stop.

And the child was around four or five and saying,

Please stop.

And then the mother,

The parent,

The guardian,

Whomever it was,

Continued.

And the child asked again,

Did not stop.

And this continued until the child stopped asking and just cried.

And just,

Yeah.

And I was like,

As I watched,

I was like,

We just saw a wounding that this child would carry.

So can you talk a little bit,

When we ask for something when we were children and we're not heard,

They're not met.

And so can you explain exactly the processing there of what is happening to wound that ego?

Right.

So really what's happening is we're showing up in this world as our truest self to these sources of influence and of connection.

So when we talk about parents and caregivers,

The true self is showing up as completely vulnerable as you could possibly be.

And is really looking to be attended to and acknowledged is really what it's needing.

And so when something is projected upon it that is not healthy,

That causes the wounding,

The child receives it and creates a belief about that.

So in that scenario with the spraying of the water on the head,

That child probably took the belief system that others can harm me.

And even if I speak up,

It's not valid.

So it's OK for these people to harm me because nobody listens.

Or I'm not worthy enough for somebody to listen to.

I'm not lovable enough for somebody to hear me.

And so it can be a variety of belief systems that become very finite to the subconscious.

Like they are very specific into our self-worth.

An example is I remember as a young child,

I was really into dancing.

And I really wanted to be an actress.

And I sent away for all of these learn to be an actress things in the mail and stuff like it was a while ago.

And this is before social media.

And so I remember that just created such joy inside of me to think about dancing and being in musicals and all these things.

And I remember at one point it was told to me,

That's a really immoral profession.

Because I really wanted to go and try out for the Mickey Mouse Club or something like that.

And when I was asking if I could do that,

That was the response I got.

And what it communicated to me was that there was something wrong with me because I wanted to pursue something that was really immoral.

So because that is immoral,

There is something wrong with me.

There must be something evil inside of me.

So even just the projection of a parent's belief systems on something that feels really joyful to the child is the wounding.

And so that belief system was really solidified that I have to be X,

Y,

And Z to be good.

And so the processing really goes into two categories after that.

It goes into this healing fantasy,

Which is these belief systems that I have.

One day,

If somebody in the future does this,

Then I'll feel loved.

Or if somebody shows up in this way,

Then it'll prove that I'm lovable and worthy.

So we start creating these fantasies of people in the future that will give us and fulfill our needs.

And then we also turn into role-playing.

So we find these role selves of,

OK,

I'm not lovable and worthy as I am.

So I'm going to be this person so that I will be loved and worthy and valuable and seen.

I'll get my needs met if I play this role.

So it's really what happens in childhood is there's a fantasy healing,

Like thinking about the future,

About how other people can show up and this is how I'm going to feel.

And then there's this role-playing of I'm going to become this person so that I'm accepted and loved.

And that's the processing of a child.

And that's what we see as they come into the upper elementary grades.

So do we learn at that point that our worthiness is all external?

Correct.

Because as the example that you gave about wanting to share your gift of acting and dancing and singing with the world,

Because it is a gift and you're very talented and you wanted to share that.

But you wanted to bring it out into a large audience,

Really,

Right?

And so learning that it was considered something that was bad,

Immoral,

Bad.

And so then you start trying to get that need met externally.

Is it almost like you can heal it externally because it was created externally?

I just want to make sure.

Yeah,

So that is such a great question because I think that leads into how do we start?

What is the behaviors once we start recognizing,

Or not even recognizing,

But back when we don't recognize it,

Right?

Subconsciously,

We feel a certain way.

And then so what are the behaviors?

So we have two different ways that people subconsciously start behaving.

So we have the internalizers.

So these are the ones,

The empaths,

The very sensitive people,

The ones that can really pick up on other people's thoughts and feelings.

And what they do is they start internalizing their belief systems and they start saying to themselves,

OK,

If I'm this,

Then I'll be more lovable.

Or if I read more about this,

These people have tons of self-help books,

Right?

Like this is me,

100%.

Right,

Exactly.

And it's really about seeking what within myself can I change and improve to be loved and worthy.

And these people tend to be extremely self-sufficient and successful.

And so from the outside,

They kind of look like these little adults,

Even at a younger age,

That don't really need any more parenting,

Right?

Because they've learned,

OK,

I will,

By expressing myself,

That's bad,

Right?

And I don't get my needs met.

So I will just continue kind of parenting myself.

But again,

Their needs aren't met.

So they start seeking all of this internal healing and trying to change,

If I change this about me,

Then I will be,

Right?

So that's one way.

The other way is the externalizers,

OK?

And they're the ones that behaviorally act out,

OK?

So they're like,

I need others to get my needs met.

So we see this population tend to be much more impulsive,

Right?

So if something triggers the ego,

They will go and seek it somewhere else.

It could be one night stands.

It could be addiction issues.

It could be whatever it is,

Something in their environment to let them to reinforce that they are worthy and valuable.

As children,

These might be the kids that are just very emotionally kind of volatile.

And so they just get the attention,

Right?

So the ego is going to get its needs met either way,

Right?

So if they need attention,

They're going to get it either way,

Whether it's good attention or not so good attention,

Right?

So the internalizers are trying to kind of soothe and meet their own needs,

Right,

Or see what they can do to become better and more lovable so that others will love them.

And they tend to be much more self-sufficient and successful.

And so people think,

Oh,

They're doing great,

Right?

They don't need their needs met,

But they do,

Right?

And then we have the externalizers who tend to have a lot of impulsive,

Destructive behaviors because they're trying to get their needs met by other people externally.

But of course,

They're not going to,

Right?

And then we have a spectrum within the two,

Right?

So all those may be an internalizer.

If they are left alone without any emotional connection for too long,

Then you might see them kind of move into externalizing some of their needs,

Right?

Even though that's not typically how they are.

So there's a spectrum from internalizing and externalizing.

And we tend to move on it depending on how long it's been since we've had connection.

So we see this wounding.

We see it at the origin.

If you are a caregiver,

A parent,

A teacher,

An auntie,

An uncle,

You will see this wounding in a child when it occurs.

And then you will see it play itself out.

So as adults,

As our listeners are,

One,

Many of them,

All of them were once children.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me guess.

Yeah.

Right.

Happened that way.

Yeah.

And had wounding occurred because you gave a wonderful statistic the last time that is it,

Did you say 92%?

Yeah.

I'll let you give that statistic again.

Yeah,

It's only like 96% to 7% of the population really came from secure attached families,

Right?

Where the parents were really secure caregivers.

So that,

Yeah.

So the rest of us are kind of walking around this world trying to.

Trying to figure it out.

Figure it out,

Right?

Yeah.

Trying to find that,

Right?

Yeah,

We're always working towards that secure attachment within ourselves so we can attach to somebody else who's relatively secure as well.

And then so as adults,

And then also parents who are parenting now and trying to navigate that and raise those healthy attached young going into adulthood.

So how do we see this wounded ego?

How do we know which one of our woundings is running the show as adults?

Does that make sense?

Yeah,

I mean,

Yeah.

And I think that as adults,

We have to be really self-reflective.

I mean,

That's really self-reflection is really where emotional maturity comes from,

Right?

So if you can't self-reflect,

You will not know how to heal your ego,

Right?

And that's like self-reflection is where externalizers,

They can't.

Like it's really uncomfortable for them to sit in self-reflection.

That's why internalizers tend to kind of be,

With a wounded ego,

They tend to be able to get to secure attachment a little bit easier and sooner than externalizers.

Or because we're always on a healing journey,

But be a little bit more self-aware.

So the reality is that you have to be able to self-reflect and sit with,

OK,

What is the belief system I'm having about that?

And not so much like,

What is that person doing to me?

That's an externalizer.

This person is doing this and it hurts me.

OK,

Well,

You need to sit with self-reflection.

What about that statement?

Hurts,

Right?

So what about that?

OK,

Somebody said,

You're fake.

So what about that?

And that really hurt me.

So what about that statement?

Do I kind of believe?

What is it that I was told as a child that makes me think that that's true?

And we have to come up with,

What is the subconscious belief?

That if I am my true self,

That is annoying or it's too much.

Right?

And so maybe there was a part of that person that was like,

You know what?

OK,

Then I have to be more of this.

Well,

Maybe I am fake.

Right?

And asking those questions and then exploring them and being able to give the space with the self-reflection and then the self-exploration.

Correct.

Yeah.

To be able to really explore this and look at it.

Would you find that the externalizers,

Do they tend to be,

Of course,

You know,

Can't generalize everyone.

But would you say that you get a lot of toxic positivity in that?

Like,

Oh,

You know,

Everything's going to be fine.

Like,

There's no reflection of,

Yeah,

Things are hard right now and they may not be hard for me,

But they are for others.

You know,

Like it's almost like there's,

As you so eloquently put it,

There's no space between giving that self-reflection.

How does it show itself?

Because you did a great job with the internalizers explaining what it looks like.

What does it look like for externalizers when they're unable or unwilling to look at their wounded ego?

Well,

Yeah.

I mean,

I think that you do see a lot of toxic,

I mean,

You can see a lot of toxic positivity.

Like just very surfacy,

Like,

You know,

Be positive,

Positive vibes only.

You know,

Like,

You know,

From a level of not being able to give space for that discomfort of feelings.

Like,

So individually,

You know,

They are kind of dismissive to really sitting in their own real feelings.

And so oftentimes,

Like,

You don't really know their externalizers until you try to relate to them.

And that's where they can't sit with the discomfort because it's like,

Well,

Now you're this person that's in my world.

And so meet my needs,

Meet my needs,

Meet my needs,

Right?

Because you're my quickest source.

And so externalizers can kind of get by until they actually,

You know,

Have a relationship with somebody.

And then they're trying to externalize that those needs being met.

And when the other person is like,

Hey,

Like,

You know,

Let's talk about this,

Let's reflect,

The externalizer wants to shame and blame,

Right?

Because it's uncomfortable to sit with the discomfort of self-reflection,

Right?

Because when it comes down to it,

Like,

Yes,

We have to meet each other's emotional needs,

But we have to be available to meet theirs as well,

Right?

And we have to have that space and pace to figure out what they are.

And then in that place,

We can honor them and be able to have the reciprocity between the two.

But externalizers,

Until they're really doing that healing work,

Really struggle.

And you don't really know that until they're in relationships.

So would you say that most of this is going on subconsciously?

They're not aware that their wounded ego is showing,

Right?

They don't know.

It's showing through the actions and the interactions and their responses.

Correct.

What's going on around them.

Yeah.

Yeah,

So internalizers are going to be the first ones that go to therapy,

Right?

So they're the ones that are like,

I'm seeking healing.

I'm seeking,

I'm trying to,

I don't feel good.

Something feels empty.

I'm reading about it.

I'm doing this,

Right?

So they're the first ones that show up at therapy,

Right?

And so they tend to self-reflect a lot more.

Externalizers tend to avoid therapy,

Right?

Because you have to sit in the discomfort of their emotions.

So they're oftentimes kind of unaware of what's going on.

And so when somebody is saying,

Hey,

This isn't healthy,

This is toxic,

Right?

Then it's like their ego is being wounded even more.

Because that is,

You're not enough,

You're unlovable,

Right?

That's what they hear.

So externalizers have a really hard time changing.

And they typically don't unless they're kind of forced to,

Right?

So unless they're kind of put in a situation like therapy.

And they trust that relationship with their therapist to be able to point out like,

Hey,

Let's sit in some self-reflection for a little bit.

And what is it about that statement that hurts?

What is it that you believe about it that's not true?

Right?

So yeah,

I mean,

They tend to kind of have a really hard time getting started with self-reflection.

But they're not aware of it.

And they keep almost hustling to get that need met,

Right?

Right,

Yeah.

Now,

Working with children,

And I've worked with children,

And you still continue to work with children.

The ones very often who are brought into therapy are the externalizing children,

Correct?

Yeah.

There's some irony there.

So right,

If that need could be met early,

Right?

So can you talk a little bit about that?

Because as adults,

It's almost flip,

Right?

And then as children,

Can you talk a little bit about that since it is the origin of the wound?

Sure.

So I think,

I mean,

That's the beautiful thing is that if parents do bring their children to therapy,

It is typically because something behaviorally is going on,

Unless they're internalizers and they have anxiety and depression,

Right?

That's what they will be brought in for.

But again,

The externalizers are the ones that are really behaviorally acting out,

Right?

And so the beautiful thing about a parent that is recognizing,

OK,

This child needs some support and they bring them is that there's that opportunity to even do a little healing work with the parents,

Right?

So really,

The first thing I do with parents is I start talking about the language of feelings,

Right?

Like,

How do we show up in the energy and the language of communication with our kids when they're feeling these big feelings,

Right?

And how we don't project shame,

Judgment,

All those things onto them,

But that we can sit as parents with children in these feelings and recognize and attend to them,

Rather than shame and blame them for having them.

And if you can do that in childhood as a parent,

Your child has the capacity to really grow into secure attachment,

Right?

And most parents are not even really conscious of the language they're using with their kids,

Because they are a product of their own upbringing.

So that's what I love about working with kids,

Is I'm really working with parents,

Too.

And they're like,

Wow,

I didn't even realize I was saying that,

But that makes so much sense.

So yeah,

It's really about really helping these kids sit in discomfort,

And the parents can sit with them and not project that.

That is so beautiful.

I am,

My apology,

I interrupted you.

I just,

It's just so beautiful to know that it is as simple as just sitting.

Yeah.

Not fixing,

Not solving,

Just being in that moment and feeling the discomfort.

Yeah.

And allowing what comes up,

Come up,

And then expressing it,

And then you're able to move forward.

100%,

Yeah.

It's really,

I mean,

It's really a beautifully simple technique,

But it's so complicated when you haven't really done your own self-reflection,

Right?

Yeah,

It is.

It really,

And it isn't pleasant.

I mean,

As an adult,

Especially so often when we react to something that is touching that wound,

Because it's tender.

Oh,

It's so wrong.

Yeah.

When it's not healed,

I mean,

It hurts.

There is actual physical and emotional pain when it's touched through someone's actions or words or inactions.

Exactly,

Yeah.

We have to recognize that too,

Yeah.

And to be able to sit with it and feel it.

And I won't be able to cite where I read this,

Because it's gone from my memory.

But they say that an emotion will move through you in 90 seconds.

You don't throw up a wall,

You just let it move through you.

It's going to move through you in 90 seconds.

We all have 90 seconds,

Right?

Yes.

But it's stopping long enough to actually fully feel that emotion.

Right,

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah,

And so what happens with a lot of us in the wounding is that we feel the feeling,

The emotion,

And we let it loop through our body for much longer than 90 seconds,

Right?

So we literally let it sit there in loop and retell the story of the wounding and retell the story of the untruth.

And it goes and travels throughout our whole body,

Right?

Rather than allowing it to,

And this is a lot of the work that I do with people,

Is like,

OK,

So what is anger saying?

Not just what is,

I know it feels yucky,

But what is it saying,

Right?

Let it have a voice to say what it needs to say.

And then accept it.

OK,

Thank you for saying that truth.

You can leave now.

And then releasing that to go away so that you can work on that belief system that isn't to your greatest good.

So it's amazing how much we get stuck in emotions because we will not let them just say what they need to say.

So would you say that when that wounding occurred,

And I'll give a brief story.

When I was about 10,

I think,

We had a race field day type thing at school.

And I won one of the awards.

I raced a group of people,

And I was the fastest,

Which is considering I'm not.

There's not a lot.

You're up the runner's height,

Right?

I'm not the runner's height.

And I was so proud.

And I remember walking up and getting my little medal and just feeling just a sense of pride.

I did it myself.

And on the school bus on the way home,

A friend of mine,

A boy that I really considered a good friend,

He was in that race.

And from the moment we got on the bus,

He just came at me with,

You look so stupid walking up there.

The other people should have won.

I mean,

Just a barrage and wounding comments.

And I still remember that feeling.

And the feeling that washed through me was shame.

And that feeling,

And also being seen.

Here's someone that saw me and then found me lacking.

And it was something I took such pride in.

And to have that coming from someone I considered a friend and all of that.

So that's where that wound occurred.

Now,

As an adult,

I am an internalizer very much.

Times when I,

And I'm a writer,

So I have to get up in front of groups.

And I have to speak.

And I want to do these things,

But I'm resistant.

And I do think that that's where a lot of that wounding occurred is in that moment.

And so now as an adult,

When that rises up inside of me,

I actually have to talk to that wounded 10-year-old,

Correct?

You do,

Absolutely.

So what kind of languaging would you put around that for someone who has a similar experience?

That they can actually go right there.

It's there.

What kind of languaging would you put around to help them navigate that?

Yeah,

I mean,

I think there is a couple of different ways that you can do that.

I mean,

Some people can visualize that 10-year-old little girl and talk to her as your highest self or as your true self.

And be able to say,

I can see that you're scared that people will see you.

And that's OK,

Because that was told to you back on that day.

But remember,

You are.

And go back to the qualities of your true self.

So I think it's really important that people know what their true self really is.

What is it about them that is special and unique?

What is their true identity?

And be able to speak it in those moments when the false narratives come out of shame or unworthiness.

So you can actually address that inner child that experienced that.

Or you can just use mantras or affirmations in that moment of,

I am not x,

Y,

And z.

I am filled with,

And then have your affirmations and your mantras.

But you have to speak to it.

You cannot just let it be unattended to.

Because that's,

Again,

It wants to be attended and acknowledged.

And if we don't do that in a very specific,

Overt way of stopping and saying,

No,

In this moment,

I'm going to show up and attend to you.

And I'm going to acknowledge you.

Then we are not filling that need.

And it'll continue to spiral into that loop of untruth.

So yeah,

I mean,

Some people are really good at visualizing.

I like to talk to my little inner child.

I like to talk to little Christine.

When I work with people and even kids,

I have them make little clay little inner childs.

We can have so that we can talk to them.

So for me,

That's how I do it.

But for others,

Having affirmations that are very specific to who they truly are speaks to that wounded ego as well.

Well,

That's great.

I love that active aspect of your healing,

Where as opposed to just thinking the thoughts,

You actively pull up a chair,

Envision your inner child sitting there,

Talk to her,

See what she needs.

For me,

Whenever I ask my inner child what she wants,

She always says,

Go outside.

Please just go outside.

Make her a computer.

Please leave the computer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

And I love that because it's something that we can all do.

And also,

If you have an inner child and your reaction to your inner child is a negative one,

Oh,

That's right there.

That's where you start parenting that child in a positive way.

And I think that it's empowering.

And I think that you hit the nail on the head.

If you look at your inner child with any shame,

Guilt,

Unworthiness,

Unlovable,

That should be your first red flag that I need to do some work.

Because our inner child,

Our true self is nothing but love and beauty and goodness.

It is nothing but that.

It's so true,

Isn't it?

And then when we see children as adults,

We're like,

Yes.

You're good.

You do you.

Yeah,

Exactly.

You be your quirky self out there.

I know.

And you do.

But I love that.

One,

I think so often with parents,

And please speak to this,

That they think they're the ones doing all the wounding or anything.

It's like,

No.

I mean,

We live in a world with other people,

Other experiences.

So you are obviously,

As a parent,

The most important model for them.

You're that first layer of safety.

But it occurs with peers and partners and siblings.

I mean,

Just yeah.

So being aware of with children,

Would you just watch for behavior changes?

How would you navigate that with them?

Yeah,

I mean,

I think from a parenting adult perspective,

If we're seeing behavior changes in children,

We definitely want to seek out what is the untrue belief system.

We also want to know where it came from.

So we can help that source use a different narrative or language when talking to that child.

But also look for those internalizers that will be super self-sufficient and act super independent.

Meet them in a space of like,

Hey,

What's going on in your world?

Tell me what's going on with you and what's going on with your thoughts and feelings.

What are you excited about right now?

Check in with them because they aren't going to be the ones that raise their hand and say,

Hey,

I have some needs to be met.

They're going to be super independent because they're going to fill their own needs because speaking up,

There's shame and guilt in that.

So really being present with them as well and being like,

We haven't checked in in a while.

I want to hear what's going on in your world.

What feels good to you right now?

Or what doesn't feel good to you?

And just checking in with them because they won't seek out support.

I am hyper independent and I've always taken great pride in it.

And I think I have always been in my nature as I'm an introvert.

And some of my work and hardest work has been accepting support and accepting help from others.

And my shift on that has been that is self-care.

It is,

Absolutely.

Being able to accept from others.

And I know I feel good when I can help people.

So I know it feels good to others to help me.

And learning how to,

It's a reciprocal aspect of life.

Sometimes you give,

Sometimes you receive.

And anything out of balance,

If you're always giving,

That's out of balance.

If you're always taking,

That's out of balance.

And learning that.

And so being able to receive gracefully,

It's a form of self-care.

Yeah,

And to ask for support too.

To reach out and say,

Hey,

Listen,

I'm overwhelmed right now.

Can we X,

Y,

Or Z?

That's a form of self-care.

That's a form of loving your inner child.

And that's a way for others to be cognizant of how they can attend and acknowledge other people too.

Give them the opportunities to meet your needs when that's a safe place for you to do so.

I do have to say,

When you have been hyper-independent and you have really just met your own needs,

And if you had needs that you needed met from others and they weren't,

You just,

OK,

Let it go,

Right?

And it will feel uncomfortable because your wounded ego,

It's going to tell you what's wrong.

Because it's trying to keep you safe,

Correct?

Yeah,

Exactly.

It's trying to protect you.

And what that ego says is that you're only safe and your needs are only being met when you are in control and when you are the one that is doing everything for yourself.

But we really need to be emotionally connected to other people.

That is a need that we have.

And so when we are too self-sufficient and we don't allow others to attend to us and acknowledge us,

We will get to a place of emotional burnout because we're not,

Our emotional needs cannot only be satisfied by us.

They have to be satisfied by others as well.

OK,

So our wounded ego,

When we use that as our navigation system,

It's going to,

Is it constantly throwing us into repeated cycles?

Yes.

Because we're trying to heal,

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It throws us into dysfunctional and toxic patterns.

It doesn't matter if you're an internalizer or an externalizer,

Those patterns are toxic,

Right?

And so whether you look like you have it all together and you're super independent,

You're still having patterns of belief systems that I'm the only one I can rely on,

Nobody ever shows up for me,

So and so,

My needs,

Only I can meet them.

Or an externalizer,

Which is projecting and being impulsive.

Those are patterns that are dysfunctional and they are toxic to us actually getting back to our true self,

Which is really what the ego wants is get back to your true self.

Like get back to that place where you see and you feel and you can be that good goodness and beauty and love.

Get back there.

That's always what it's trying to do is get us back there.

But when it's wounded,

It's telling us stories that perpetuate patterns of dysfunction.

OK.

You gave such great advice on talking to your inner child,

Learning how to sit with your inner child and that discomfort.

What other techniques can you give us to really work on healing that wounding that occurred in our early lives?

And the origin of the wound,

Can you talk a little bit about?

Yeah,

I mean,

I think it's really important that you give yourself space.

Like if you sense a hurt or a harm that you give yourself space.

And don't go into a place of reacting to anything,

Whether it's internal or external.

Be like,

OK,

What is going on?

Something is really,

Really hurting me.

And whether that is within a relationship or whether that's within your own belief systems or words or actions,

Like you remove yourself for a period of time to understand what is going on,

What is the statement.

What is so damaging is when we are very impulsive to react to that feeling.

That is where damage can occur that we can't necessarily come back.

So I think if I were to give one thing to work on,

I would say space.

If you feel that twinge of feelings being hurt or harmed,

Give yourself space.

Turn your phone off,

Go to another room,

Whatever it needs to be.

Go give yourself space to be like,

What is happening inside of me?

What is the belief that I'm believing that?

That was just said to me or somebody just did this to me.

What am I believing about that is true,

Right?

And just getting to the place where you have a statement can help you with that healing work.

So as an example,

So if someone said to me,

You think you're so great,

You think you're so wonderful,

You think you're all that,

Whatever the language gene is.

And from my wounding,

Because that's something that I heard when I was younger,

My wounding to that is to withdraw and then to hustle.

To pro,

I'll show you that I don't think I'm so great.

I'll show you,

I'll work harder for you.

And so that's kind of my MO there.

Once again,

I can work harder.

I can do more.

I can prove to you my worthiness and my value.

Right.

Exactly.

Because I don't want you to feel that I think I'm anything other than.

What they were really saying is you're not so great.

Oh,

Yeah.

You're not so great.

And so in the back of your mind,

You're like,

Maybe I'm not.

Maybe I do need to do more.

Maybe I need to do be achieved,

Do be achieved.

Right.

Maybe I need to go do that.

So in that instance,

You have to step back and be like,

Oh,

No.

I am great.

I am good.

Wow.

Like actually say that to yourself.

I am good and great at what I do.

Somebody may not feel that way about themselves or maybe triggered by my success or by what piece I just came out with.

But no,

I am good and I am great.

And that's OK for me to own.

So the wounded ego would take a step back from that or and either push back.

Yeah.

With the.

Yeah.

Or take a step back and then sit and ruminate of,

Wow,

I really shouldn't have shown that part of myself.

I should have kept my thoughts to myself.

I shouldn't have used my voice.

I should have done more because and that's the wound.

And it then you get into the looping,

As you described earlier.

Right.

So taking a step back.

So any time as long as it's not hurting someone.

Right.

Then you should always lead with.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I think I am kind of fabulous.

Yeah.

I am really proud of that.

Yeah.

I worked really hard on that and I'm really good at what I do.

And you may not feel that way and that's OK.

But the people I serve are the people I show up to serve.

And when you say those things to me,

It's not healthy.

It's not kind and it's not respectful.

And so I'm not available for that.

And so that's where boundaries are beautiful for the wounded ego,

Which we'll,

Of course,

Have to talk about on another session.

But that's the boundary of not being available to a source that may continue to say things that the wounded ego has believed.

Yeah.

Oh,

That's so good.

And I love that because it's so active.

There's so much that we can do to empower ourselves and to heal our ego that doesn't require other people.

It is the relationship between you and you.

Yeah.

Us and our true self.

That's really the relationship that our wounded selves back to our true self.

That's the relationship that's really happening.

When the wounding occurs and when we're trying to get back to healthy ego.

Well,

I love that.

And I really think as we move forward through different topics,

As you just mentioned,

The ego and boundaries,

Ego and relationships.

I mean,

We have so many.

So many.

So many to talk about,

Which is so exciting in discussing this.

And each time that we learn something new,

Then we then get stronger.

Exactly.

Yeah.

We're more empowered.

We become better friends,

Better partners,

Better workers,

Better employees,

Better bosses.

And that just in,

It doesn't have to be you sit down and fix everything at once.

We are always on this healing journey.

Yes.

Oh,

That's so great.

Is there anything else you'd like to add to the listener for the listeners,

Christine?

No,

I think just again,

If you're enjoying what we're sharing or what we're talking about,

Take an opportunity to comment or subscribe.

And we would totally appreciate that.

We love what we're talking about.

I think collectively as a society,

We're craving this.

So join in on the fun.

And it is fun.

And thank you so much for everyone that gave us feedback,

Who left comments,

Are subscribing.

Please subscribe.

The more you subscribe or leave comments and like the video,

The more people we can reach because YouTube's algorithm will do that for us.

And we can just reach more people and share more things about the ego.

So I just want to thank you,

Christine,

For all of your sound advice.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah.

It's so good because I'm very excited about getting better and stronger.

And I'm definitely an internalizer.

So this is like catnip for me.

I can go on the spectrum.

If you push me to a point,

I can start externalizing.

But a lot of the work I've done is to minimize having to go there when I feel emotionally pressed.

But that's also,

I mean,

We're all on the healing journey.

So even as a therapist,

I have to be constantly aware of my own self-care and my own emotional needs.

So there is no shame in doing this work.

We are all called to do that.

Well,

And that's the thing.

If we're not doing the work,

Then we're living from the wounded ego.

Yes,

100%.

You can either grow or you can protect.

You can't do both.

Nope.

You got to choose.

Yeah,

Exactly.

OK.

All right.

Well,

Thank you,

Christine.

If anything else that you want to share with the listeners,

If not,

Then I will see you next time.

Absolutely.

Thanks for joining us.

All right.

Thank you.

Bye,

Everyone.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Reviews

I really enjoy listening to the ego project. Christine and Lisa do a great job of using a combination of expertise and real life examples when discussing different aspects of the ego. Definitely a favorite of mine!