After spending a big chunk of my life studying what people believe and why we believe what we do,
Not just religion,
But your prejudices,
For example,
Where did you pick them up,
And more importantly,
Why are you still carrying them,
It became clear that what people claim to believe is actually irrelevant because your beliefs don't make you a better person,
Your behavior does.
So,
I switched gears and started to focus my research on human behavior,
And nothing has made sense since.
I used to believe that if everyone simply explained their thoughts,
Feelings,
And experiences with enough detail,
And they skillfully articulated their perspectives with relatable examples,
And we all magically developed active listening skills with radical acceptance and an open mind,
Then misunderstandings and conflicts would cease to exist.
Now,
I am convinced that nobody is ever truly capable of seeing the full picture from anyone else's point of view,
And that's because the way people react to life is what gives each of us a unique frame of reference,
And the result is an individual outlook that is limited in nature,
Biased by default,
And as distinctive as our fingerprints.
People can go through seemingly identical experiences,
Yet emerge completely different on the other side.
My sister and I grew up under the same roof,
For example,
But our childhood memories have very little in common.
This is frequently the case,
Not just with siblings,
But between spouses,
Parents,
Co-workers,
Survivors of similar tragedies or ailments,
Incarcerated individuals recounting their experience behind bars,
Neighbors talking about their city,
And I'd go as far as to say that no two people in the world would even describe life itself the same way.
Think about mothers describing their pregnancies,
No two are the same,
And men could never even pretend to understand.
So here is my conclusion,
The reason we frequently argue,
Fight,
And get so easily frustrated is not because we don't understand each other,
It's because we think we can.
I'm going to say it again,
The reason we frequently argue,
Fight,
And get so easily frustrated is not because we don't understand each other,
It's because we think that if we just try hard enough,
We will be able to understand,
But we can't,
And if we don't make peace with that,
We create our own suffering because we try to do the impossible,
Instead of accepting the fact that although empathy and compassion do go a long way,
We can't ever claim to truly understand anyone else.
Now,
I know it's tempting to presume that you get it,
Whatever it is,
Simply because you have gone through something similar,
Or you think you can relate to someone's circumstance because they have explained themselves to you,
But truly understanding each other is as impossible as touching the same river twice.
I'm using that example intentionally because I want you to visualize yourself standing on the back of a river,
Bending over to touch the water,
Taking your hand out,
And then touching it again.
That is not the same river,
It can never be the same.
My friend prefers saying you can't read the same book twice,
Because the second time you read it,
You are a different person than the one who read it the first time.
I think this is fascinating,
And if you are also comfortable with having more questions than answers,
Then this realization is downright refreshing.
But,
If you think you have the world figured out,
Or that you can somehow make sense of human behavior,
Then reality will be as disappointing to you as that time in school when you found out that you are not your best friend's best friend.
We can't ever know what's going on in someone's mind,
So when misunderstandings and conflicts occur,
And they will,
We can either laugh off the experience as comical as sipping sparkling water when you think it's coffee,
Or it can hurt as much as eating wasabi when you think it's guacamole.
Either way,
Catching yourself the moment you think you know something,
Or understand someone,
Is very humbling.
I often laugh at myself and think,
Look at you thinking you've got answers.
After all,
People don't always say what they mean,
And they don't always mean what they say,
And even when they do,
Most of us are not great listeners.
We often hear what we expect to hear,
Rather than what is actually being said,
We then interpret what is being said to mean what we want it to mean,
And we aren't vulnerable enough to ask for clarity or admit when we are wrong.
But if we simply avoid making any assumptions about what others might be thinking or feeling,
We will immediately experience a deep and profound transformation from being someone who thinks they have answers,
To being someone who is blissfully content with the mystery of it all.
That is precisely why the first step in Buddhism is to reject whatever you think you already know.
Personally,
I find this extremely liberating because so much of what weighs us down is not even ours to carry.
So,
Let's put it down.
In our discussion circles about this topic,
People admitted that their reasons for trying to find answers range from fear of the unknown,
To a desperate attempt to control the uncontrollable.
We look for certainty in an ever-changing,
Uncertain world,
And we try to find a logical explanation for human behavior,
Which is anything but rational.
It's no wonder people are frustrated all the time.
We are walking up a down escalator,
Swimming against the stream,
We are looking at the world through a tiny keyhole for a split second,
And then claim to see the full picture.
No amount of money,
Wisdom,
Or determination can ever get you half as close to serenity as simply enjoying the mystery and having a sense of humor about it all.
Maybe that's why aliens don't come to this planet looking for intelligent life.
There isn't any.
If it's inner peace you are after,
Let go of the need to know,
And let the mystery be.
Good luck.
