When my friend's husband started criticizing her the other day,
She stopped him mid-sentence and said,
I'm going to need to hear four compliments from you before I can accept any criticism.
What a game-changer,
I love it.
When couples and friends argue,
They often make the mistake of bringing up past grievances in an attempt to strengthen their argument in the present,
Using words like you never or you always,
Which keeps people and relationships perpetually defined by their worst moments.
If someone attempts to use my past against me,
It's like they are trying to rob my old house,
I don't live there anymore.
That's why when I share my work with correctional facilities all over the world,
The resounding message is that we are not defined by what has happened in our lives,
Nor by anything we have done.
We are who we choose to become today.
When Buddhists take their monastic vows,
The teacher often suggests that the students change their name to a new Dharma title in order to leave behind who they once were,
And to honor who they are becoming.
I personally chose not to adopt a new name at the monastery for a couple of reasons.
I had already changed my name once in the 90s when it became apparent that Americans can't pronounce my birth name,
And I have known people who took up a Dharma name to represent non-attachment to their old selves,
Only to get attached to their new identity.
I don't think it's necessary to deny our past,
Nor to stick to it,
In order to live in the present.
Buddhism teaches us that our suffering comes from clinging,
And boy do we cling.
Even though we don't like it when others try to use our past against us,
We do it to ourselves when we replay our own mistakes,
We cringe at questionable life choices,
And we still allow outdated beliefs about ourselves to undermine our current potential.
I walked around for years saying,
I'm bad at math,
Until my friend chuckled and said,
If you say so.
And if I kept using the excuse that English is my second language to never publish anything,
We wouldn't be here today.
And I know it's not just me.
Too many of the one-on-one sessions I had in the last year were with people who feel unworthy of love in the present because of something they have done in the past.
The opposite is also true.
I'm sure you know someone who did something great thirty years ago,
And they still define who they are today by that one accomplishment.
Clinging ignores the fact that life is in constant motion.
The Buddhist concept of non-attachment is not about erasing who we were,
It's about not being confined by it.
So I say acknowledge your missteps with compassion and understanding,
Grow with humility and gratitude,
And move on with peacefulness and serenity.
The middle path means we carry the lesson but not the burden,
Because the weight of the past can slow you down and its gravitational force can bring you down.
There is so much wisdom in the Zen saying,
Let go or be dragged.
Give yourself the gift of traveling lightly into the present moment.
Pack the clarity without any of the shame,
Guilt,
Or regret.
It helps to have a sense of humor about the past,
And to appreciate how far you have come.
I hope you find relief,
Space,
And energy not to reconstruct your old house,
But to acknowledge that you have actually been building a new home for yourself every day,
One virtuous act at a time.
This moment is new,
And so are you.
Namaste
