Good morning.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
Wherever you may be.
Whatever you may be doing.
And thank you.
So much for joining today.
My name is Thirumunda Varada.
And I am a teacher here on.
Insight Timer.
End.
Practice today.
It's part of i wouldn't even call it a series i don't even really know what perhaps technical term is any longer.
It's A space which I call The Self Remains.
End.
In this space we talk about essentially internal family systems.
Internal family systems is a modality.
Which to somatic modality,
Which has been.
.
.
Essentially around in different guises for a while,
But kind of formally as IFS.
Came about.
Bye,
Originate,
Bye.
Dr.
Richard Schwartz.
And the precursor to this space,
We were going through almost as a book club.
His book.
No bad parts.
And the practice,
Well not practice,
What we're gonna talk today about is.
.
.
Really have kind of encapsulated it as why peace never arrives.
When you're chasing it.
And it's something which.
.
.
I think we kind of.
.
.
Know and feel.
And is quite familiar.
Which is why I wanted to talk about it.
The topic today.
I started really with peace.
And I think even before peace.
There is what I used to always wish for.
Which was happiness,
To be happy.
I remember when I started this chapter,
Of this journey.
Circuit 2020-2021.
And I would have.
Difficult days,
Difficult weeks.
I just remember constantly sitting and thinking,
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I could be happy.
You know,
Meditate and pray.
Just long for happiness and over these last five years.
What I've found?
Is that what I've actually.
.
.
I wouldn't even necessarily call it wanted.
But what?
The seeking or what that place,
What that space for me is.
Has been.
Is peace.
And.
.
.
You know,
Often we try and find whether for you it's happiness or peace.
Whatever it is.
Through reading books.
Doing meditations.
I don't know about you,
But.
.
.
It was this great kind of race to fix something.
I was trying to fix something.
Not just fix,
I think I was also trying to.
.
.
Extinguish the pain.
The pain,
A pain.
And.
.
.
I guess I was trying to become a version.
Of me that was bulletproof,
Bombproof.
That would finally feel okay.
Is something that Nobody told me,
At least.
Probably nobody tells any of us,
Often.
Often.
The issue,
The challenge,
The barrier.
Is the chase.
And I stumbled across this.
I remember I would watch religiously videos of like a certain coach online.
And I'd work out every morning and I'd work out.
Watching your videos and they really spoke to me.
And I found solace in them.
And then I suddenly realized that what I actually was doing.
Was I had a coping mechanism.
And I realized that I just had to stop.
I had to stop.
Plugging into the videos,
I had to stop.
Reading the book,
Stop seeking and chasing.
Out there.
And what I essentially and inherently realize is that peace doesn't arrive.
When I chase it,
When you chase it,
When we chase it.
Peace arrives when.
.
.
We stop running.
From what's already here.
And it's something which,
To be honest.
Happens to me.
More often than not.
You wake up.
Feeling anxious.
So you do your morning routine.
You meditate,
You journal,
You exercise,
You do affirmations.
And the intent is quite clear.
What we're trying to do is to create.
Peace.
And for that moment.
Be able to do it.
Peace.
This is obviously my story.
And.
.
.
By 11 o'clock,
12 o'clock lunchtime,
The anxiety is back.
So.
I'd do more.
And do another meditation.
Another world.
And I plugged into and I found a podcast that spoke and resonated to me,
I'd listen to that.
Message,
A friend,
A colleague.
A sibling.
Therapist,
Coach.
And I think.
If I just do enough.
.
.
Of the right things.
Probably in the right order,
Eventually I'll get there.
Eventually,
I'll be happy.
I'll be at peace.
But you never do.
Because.
.
.
Peace isn't a destination.
And the more you chase it,
The more you try to create it,
Manufacture it,
Force it,
Feel it.
The further away it gets,
For me at least.
And in there lies the paradox of a tomb.
So I asked myself,
Why do we do this?
Why do we chase?
Peace,
Like it's something.
Don't have,
Something we don't already possess.
Because.
.
.
Somewhere along the line.
Of the journey that we've.
.
.
Walked and continue to walk,
We learn that what we are?
Isn't enough.
And it starts at a young age.
We were told.
That.
In order for us to be accepted by Owwwww.
By our parents,
By our friends,
By our siblings.
There was something.
That we had to do in order to gain that love,
That respect.
That being seen.
And so it's something which we took on board.
We learned that.
We.
Had to be fixed,
That there was something.
That we needed to do something.
In order to be.
Get.
Receive.
And those of us who are parents.
I presume,
I speak just purely for myself,
We do it all the time.
Not out of malice.
Not because We want to.
I don't know what is.
Oh,
I'm not tired.
Go to sleep.
Um.
.
.
Whatever it is.
Don't do this,
You need to do your homework.
And don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying we shouldn't have discipline,
We shouldn't have boundaries.
But to a young impressionable mind.
This is where it starts.
And so.
In that we learn that.
We're always needing to do better.
And I mean,
I remember on the last.
Session which we had.
There was a lot of discussion around what parents.
.
.
Would say that,
You know,
Was pretty toxic.
And those words and phrases remained.
With us.
So having learned that,
Having been told that,
We learned that we need to transcend ourselves to be acceptable.
And this is where chasing starts.
Chasing that next level of consciousness,
Chasing that elevation,
Chasing the healed version of ourselves,
Chasing the moment when we'd finally be free from anxiety.
From fear,
From all those uncomfortable parts.
That really make us human.
And there was a part of us that.
.
.
That if I just work hard enough at this.
If I read the right book.
Watch the right video,
Listen to the correct podcast or meditation.
I'll be able to turn on the switch that'll just allow me to let go of this pain.
This person.
This feeling,
This sadness.
If I just do enough inner work,
If I just.
.
.
Meditate,
Journal,
Heal.
Enough then I'll finally be at peace.
But.
.
.
What that part doesn't understand.
Is that the chase itself?
Is actually what's keeping us from it.
From peace.
Because in chasing peace,
We're operating from a belief that you don't have it.
It exists outside of you.
That somehow.
You're broken and peace is what happens when you finally fix yourself.
But you're not broken,
I'm not broken,
We're not broken.
And peace doesn't exist outside of us.
Peace has always been within us.
And it's by going within.
That we unlock it by understanding ourselves within.
Is how we unlock it.
So.
I'll tell you what.
My version or what I see peace actually being.
Peace isn't the absence of anxiety.
It's not the absence of fear or doubt or discomfort.
It isn't a state that we achieve.
Peace is what's here.
Cheers.
Cheers.
It's in us.
It's what happens when you stop fighting.
What's inside.
It's not something that you create,
It's what remains.
When you stop resisting.
When you stop resisting what is.
When you stop trying.
To fix.
When you stop trying to transcend,
When you stop.
.
.
Trying to run away from discomfort when you stop.
Trying to drown it.
Watch it out.
Connected Out.
Whatever coping mechanism you use.
Because that part.
.
.
That part inside of us.
Is anxious.
There's a part inside of us that is scared.
There's a part inside of us that fears.
Inadequate.
And what we've been very good at doing.
Is trying to get rid of those parts.
You know,
I joke all the time.
For two,
Three years,
I was doing.
.
.
In a child work,
Shadow work.
And then I was talking to Sarah,
I think I was actually.
.
.
If not on a podcast with her or maybe on Inside Time Alive with her.
And she said,
Oh,
Well,
Internal family systems.
And I was just like,
Hang on,
Talk to me about that.
And she spoke about it and I was like,
Wow,
Inadvertently that's what I've been doing all of this time.
Partswood.
And what I had been doing was.
.
.
Building a relationship with those parts.
Connecting with them.
Spending time with them,
Understanding them.
Bringing them out of the shadows.
Because.
.
.
By trying to meditate them away,
Affirm them away,
Heal them away.
I actually.
Yeah,
It's probably taking steps in the right direction.
But it got to a point where.
.
.
I was probably just walking.
Quicksand.
Are not making any progress.
Looking back on it now.
.
.
In preparation for this.
I realized that.
.
.
For whatever reason,
What I did when I sat and said,
I'm not going to,
I'm going to stop looking.
Outside to someone else,
To something else.
To fix me.
I guess what I was saying is.
.
.
What if those parts aren't the problem?
What if the issue,
What if the challenge?
Is the fact that I've been ignoring them.
At times fighting them.
Rebuking them,
Chastising them.
You know,
What if.
.
.
Happiness at the time.
Wasn't about getting rid of the anxiety.
But about being able to hold the anxiety without needing it to go away.
And you know,
I'm constantly reminded about that.
I'm on a course right now.
And we're talking about.
.
.
Empathy.
And triggers.
And a different way of.
.
.
Approaching what happens when I get triggered.
Rather than trying to.
.
.
Brush it off,
Or have a tool to solve it.
And having empathy.
And sitting with it.
And really sitting with the trigger.
And understanding.
What that trigger is doing within me.
Because what I've learned and continue to learn and continue to what I'll continue to learn is that peace doesn't come from having the right thoughts.
It doesn't come from healing all my wounds.
It doesn't come from transcending my triggers.
Peace comes from being willing to be with what is.
Even when what is,
Is uncomfortable.
Even when there's anxiety,
Fear,
Doubt,
When I wake up in that morning,
When I wake up in the morning and I feel uncomfortable.
I feel.
And I think what peace is,
For me at least,
It's that aspect.
That can hold all of that.
Without needing to fix it,
Without needing to cope.
Without needing to change it.
Have it go away.
But to sit with it.
And to have that deep understanding.
That this too shall pass.
Just being able to sit with it.
And know that it's not going to overwhelm me.
And know that.
Later or tomorrow,
The dust will settle.
Cause peace.
Is the container,
Not the contents.
And we've been so focused on changing the contents,
Getting rid of the anxiety,
The fear,
The discomfort,
The loneliness.
That you forgot.
That you are the king.
You are the space in which all of this is happening.
And that's space?
That space is already peaceful.
So.
.
.
How do you stop chasing?
How do you stop chasing peace?
How do you stop chasing happiness?
And actually.
.
.
Find it.
Let me.
.
.
Give you four things that I've seen.
And for me,
It all starts with noticing that you're chasing.
That moment back in 2021 where I was just like,
Whoa.
Slow down.
Realizing.
Noticing when You're meditating to get rid.
Of anxiety.
Noticing when you're journaling to fix yourself.
Noticing when you're reading the book.
Finally become the person who has it all together or to learn.
The tools.
To allow you to let go.
Again,
Like I said,
Like a switch.
Oh,
This is painful.
I need to let go.
Ah,
The book said I need to do this,
Do that,
Do this,
Do that.
So let me do.
And just notice when you're doing that.
Because the chase always comes.
From a part of you that believes you're not okay as you are.
And when you can see that part,
When you can notice,
That's the beginning of it.
You're no longer the chase.
You're the one who's noticed and is observing the chase.
And that is.
.
.
My opinion,
Perspective,
The beginning.
Of peace.
Second,
And this is the hard one.
Stop trying to fix.
That's hard.
Stop trying to fix.
And now,
Am I saying go cold turkey?
No,
Not really.
I'm saying you've noticed it.
And I'm saying stop trying to fix not because you're perfect,
Not because you don't have work to do,
Not because Terry said so,
But because the belief that you're broken,
The belief that Something has to be fixed.
It's what's keeping you.
Is what's keeping peace at bay.
When we approach ourselves like a problem that needs to be solved.
When you approach anxiety,
Fear,
Discomfort.
Like something that needs.
To be fixed.
There is conflict.
Friction.
And you can't.
Be at peace.
When you have conflict with yourself.
Just doesn't happen.
So instead,
What if.
.
.
Instead of trying to fix the anxiety.
You just acknowledge that.
There's anxiety here.
There's fear here.
There's discomfort here.
And that acknowledgement.
We're acknowledging it not as a problem.
Just as.
What is?
And we approach it from that perspective.
The third one.
Befriend what's here.
Because the parts of you that are anxious,
That are scared,
Uncomfortable,
They're not your enemies.
They're parts that.
.
.
Are and have only ever been trying to protect.
Trying to protect me,
Trying to protect us.
The anxiety is a response.
That they have.
To try and keep.
You safe.
The fear is trying to prevent you from being hurt further.
The discomfort is trying to get your attention about something that matters,
Trying to spotlight on something.
So instead of trying to get rid of them,
Instead,
What if we look at them and engage with them from a place of wonder?
What if you asked?
What are you trying to tell me?
What are you afraid of?
What do you need from me?
What are you afraid will happen?
If you stop.
Making me anxious.
Making me fearful.
What are you afraid will happen?
And then just listen.
Not to fix,
Not to change.
Just simply to listen and to understand.
And importantly,
To create a relationship with these parts,
A relationship that allows them to start trusting you.
Because when you stop fighting them and start listening to them.
.
.
They soften.
I really do.
And in that softening,
PC mergers.
Not straight away.
Not after a few days,
Few weeks,
Few months.
There is no time limit to it.
A peace does emerge.
And take it from me.
Be a witness to that.
One day you just realize.
I'm at peace.
And don't get me wrong,
It's not a state that you walk around in forever.
I speak for myself.
That feeling of being solid.
Comes and goes.
By truly being solid.
But that feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.
It's there now more often than not.
And the last thing.
And it's the simplest thing.
Return to your breath.
Because peace isn't.
In our thoughts,
It's not.
.
.
In your story about yourself.
It's not in the future version of you that finally has it all figured out.
Peace exists in the now.
In that breath that we're taking right now.
And the sensation of air moving in and out of your body.
Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now talks about.
In the now,
There is no pain.
And the breath is the now.
That feeling of your chest rising and falling.
In there is where peace lives.
In the present moment.
Not in the past.
Or running away from,
Or trying to heal from.
Not in the future that or scrambling to try and get to.
Right here.
Right now.
In this breath,
In this moment.
At 1743 or whatever time it is that you are on right now.
This is where peace exists.
If there are one or two things that you take away from this today.
I hope it's that you take away the fact that you don't need to chase peace.
You don't need to do more,
You don't need to heal more.
You don't need to become.
Some version of yourself because peace isn't.
.
.
An achievement,
It's not a badge.
Something that we already are.
Beneath the anxiety,
Beneath the fear.
Underneath all the parts that are trying so hard to keep us safe.
Deeper,
Quieter,
More spacious you.
Self.
That's already at peace.
When we are already at peace.
You just forgot.
Because so much energy and we've been so busy chasing it.
It's a stop.
Stop trying to get somewhere.
Stop trying to become someone.
And just come home.
Come home to the present moment.
To the breath.
To the part of you that.
.
.
Was is.
And never will not be at peace.
Because peace is always there,
It's been waiting for you to stop running,
Waiting for you to stop chasing,
Waiting for you to just.
.
.
With all of it.
The anxiety,
The fear,
The discomfort.
And welcome it all.
When you can hold.
All of it?
Without needing,
Wanting,
Or having to change it.
That's when you realize and you see that you were always at peace.
In closing.
There's nothing you're doing wrong.
You're not broken.
You don't need to do more healing or retreats or meditations.
Just stop.
And just be here.
Be here with yourself,
With what is.
And know that.
I am here walking that same journey with you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for your time.
And I hope.
These words,
This practice.
Were of help.
Thank you.
So much for being here.
Thank you everybody for continuing to support.
