So,
I want to talk about happiness.
I remember vividly,
At the beginning of this segment of the journey,
Constantly thinking oh my gosh,
I just want happiness,
I just want to be happy.
And as I look back on it now,
What I was really saying is,
I don't want this pain.
And I did a coaching course in 2021 and that was part of the journey and that course was unbelievable and a shout out to Manas.
And one of the things that was asked on that course was,
What is the opposite of?
And I don't have the answer to this right now,
But I guess at the time I thought that the opposite of pain was happiness.
And again,
I say this all the time,
The joys of the interweb is that I'll be able to come back to this in the next period of time and look at it again.
But for me right now,
The opposite of pain is peace.
It really is.
I was at a concert last week with my wife and it was fantastic.
And I just have to get something that one of the warm up acts the lead singer said.
He said,
Happiness is when you're okay with what was.
And me being me,
I kind of mulled over that and I thought,
Happiness is when you're okay with what was or what is.
Happiness is when you're okay with what is.
And even when I say that now,
I just feel peace.
And so I always say that when I do this work,
I'm speaking to me five years ago.
And so to me,
Five years ago,
I say the opposite of pain is peace.
And finding peace comes with understanding.
Understanding and accepting all the parts of you.
And then surrendering.
Surrendering to the process,
To doing the work.
And the work isn't courses or books.
The work for me is reconnecting with me.
That was the work that I did,
Reconnecting with me.
And relearning that relationship and putting in the time,
Effort and energy to reconnect with my inner child and with all the various parts of myself that were existing in the shadow.
And there still are parts that are existing in the shadow.
And I can say this right here and right now is that I'm pretty conscious of some of them.
I listened to a talk the other week.
I was done by Sarkab and he was talking about the dark night of the soul.
And I had a dark night of the soul.
Boy,
Did I have a dark night of the soul.
And it was during COVID.
And it was,
You know,
In the early days of this part of this journey.
And I felt like I was in a hole that had no bottom.
And I wasn't just falling,
I was flailing.
And it felt like it was a dream,
But I also felt like I was awake.
So I don't know right now what it was.
And I remember speaking to my therapist and talking to him about this.
And how there were thoughts that came up where I was like,
Oh,
You know what,
The easiest way to get away from this pain is just to pull the plug.
And he said,
You made a choice.
And I hadn't really looked at it like that.
And I guess this is always what the benefit is of having someone who's walking along with you on this journey is because they have the opportunity to observe what you might not necessarily be able to or be willing or be wanting to see and observe at that time.
And he said,
You made a choice.
You made a choice to get up,
To have a shower and to continue your day.
And that in its own self is powerful.
That in its own self is powerful.
And from then,
Well,
I'm not going to say from then on,
But it was part of the journey,
It was steps.
I surrendered and I remember listening to a meditation about surrender every night.
Sarah Blondin's on surrender.
I listened to it every night for seven days,
14 days,
And that's how I'd go to sleep.
And I continued to do that.
I will lean in and through repetitions,
Meditate over the same practice until it,
Well,
Full stop.
And as I surrendered more and more to the process,
I was able to let go.
I remember reading a book called Letting Go,
But I never finished it.
And I guess letting go is an academic.
I can't tell you how I let go.
I just did.
Full stop,
Let go,
Dot,
Dot,
Dot.
And on the other side of that pain,
I found peace.
And I thought about this a few months ago.
I was like,
Geez,
I haven't thought about being or wanting to be happy in a very,
Very long time.
