A love letter to my body.
This is long overdue.
How is it that I used to stand in front of the mirror,
Wet from the shower and feel disappointment?
How is it that I'd find nothing but fault?
A softening belly,
Wrinkled skin,
Scars and cellulite,
Parched dry skin and age spots,
Random hairs appearing in places I'd rather they didn't?
Why is it that I used to eat and drink things I knew didn't make me feel great but did it as a way to numb some emotional pain or other?
How is it that I never once appreciated your beauty when I was younger?
Breasts were never quite the right shape,
Stomach was never quite flat enough,
Waist never quite slim enough,
Bottom never quite round enough.
Never once did I thank you and show gratitude,
Not even for carrying and growing three babies in my belly.
I'm sorry I showed such disrespect.
It took breast cancer for me to stop and give thanks,
To finally appreciate you.
I am in awe now.
I love you fiercely and will never again judge or criticise you.
I make you that promise.
I celebrate each line and wrinkle as signs of victory and a life fully lived.
I celebrate each new grey hair and am grateful that it grew back stronger and curlier after chemotherapy.
I am grateful for my scars for they show me the journey I have been on.
I massage them with tenderness and love.
I look after my feet each evening.
I show gratitude and am grateful for they carry me every day.
I wear comfortable shoes now for goodness sake.
My body,
You have been trying to teach me all my life.
You've sent me messages over the years.
Sometimes I've listened,
Other times I wasn't ready.
The insistence got louder,
The lump could no longer be ignored.
You've taught me to look inward,
To slow down,
To rest,
To be mindful,
To be deliberate.
I believe that the cancer was your way of getting my attention,
To teach me about love,
Self-love and self-compassion.
My focus had always been on others and not myself.
Yet,
How could I love others so wholly and completely without doing the same for myself?
What if you've given me the greatest gift?
I'm slowly seeing the blessings in it all,
Reflecting back on 12 months ago to my very lowest point.
My body,
You were screaming.
No more chemo,
You'd had enough.
The panic attack which I thought was a stroke was another message from you.
I floated for a while,
Drifting.
I truly surrendered.
You showed me how.
I waved the white flag.
This was when I stopped being so terrified of living.
I saw that I didn't have to be so strong.
I could exhale.
I could cry.
I could release it all.
The tumour was gone.
This was my greatest lesson.
There was more to come for sure.
Surgery,
More chemo and radiotherapy,
But I felt softer.
I felt more relaxed.
I could come through this.
I knew that now.
I had heard you finally.
Mary Oliver's poem,
Wild Geese,
Kept coming into my mind.
She'd got me out of numerous tight spots before.
It touches me now as I reread it.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Are these not the words that our body longs for us to understand?
I want to appreciate you now.
I want to dance and move and celebrate you,
To be strong,
To decorate you,
To show gratitude for all you've done for me.
I am in deep awe and appreciation for the three babies that grew within my belly.
How lucky and privileged am I.
You've been teaching me all along.
You've kept me safe by sending early warning signals.
So many have gone unanswered by my brain.
I'm now tuning into my heart and my gut.
Thank you.
I will never again look in the mirror and feel disappointment.
I look in the mirror now and feel nothing but love and awe and the greatest of respect.
I will move you every day.
I will feed you well.
And most importantly,
I will enjoy you and celebrate you,
My amazing body.
I'm so grateful to be living out this human experience in you.
I love you and I'm listening.
I make you that promise.
Rebecca.
I'm curious what came up for you when you heard me reading that letter that I wrote to my body,
A love letter to my body.
Is this something that you've ever done?
Is this something that you would like to do?
I do hope so.
Leave me a message.
I'll speak to you again soon.
Bye for now.
