For When You're Being Hard On Yourself

In this mindful talk, which goes hand in hand with my other talk For When You're Having a Tough Day, I invite you to look in a gentler direction towards self-compassion. Being hard on ourselves seems to be part of the human condition, let's see if we can change that with a little self-love.

Find a quiet space to listen to this talk and give yourself permission to let go of self-judgment and self-criticism.

Transcript

Hi it's Rebecca here. I'm recording this audio as a kind of follow-on from one that I recorded a little while ago which was for when you're having a hard day and this one is for when you're being hard on yourself and I kind of think they go hand in hand a lot of the time. I'm recording this audio for you but also as a reminder for me. I do think that being hard on ourselves is part of the human condition and sometimes a stiff talking to ourselves can work in our favour when it gives us a bit of a kick up the bum that we might need. However, And this is a very very very big however, Most of the time being hard on ourselves focuses on self-judgment and self-criticism and I guess put another way it's a form of bullying and dare I say it's self-abuse and that's not good for us in any shape or form. The idea of bullying ourselves I'm sure feels deeply unpleasant, It does to me, And it's important to get a different perspective so that we can change how we speak to ourselves and to move away from this persistent and perennial self-judgment and turn towards self-compassion and self-love and kindness. As a coach one of the things that I often will say to clients when I hear them going off on one with themselves is to ask them the question, Would you be speaking to your best friend the way that you're speaking to yourself right now? Would you be speaking to a friend who's going through a really tough time the way that you are saying these words to yourself? And the answer is always no, Never, And yet here we are doing it to ourselves. The first step really in this is the noticing. Notice when you are being hard on yourself and maybe that's all you need to do. Notice when you hear words like should or could or ought, That kind of language, Is usually some kind of judgment and this may well take some practice. What you might find is that writing it down, So when you catch yourself, Maybe keep a little notebook with you, Maybe when you catch yourself judging you can write it down and then somehow seeing it written down it doesn't look so good and then see how you could respond in a way that is softer and kinder and engage in this kinder self-talk and I'm not talking about positive self-talk which sometimes for me I can feel I feel feels a bit false but replacing the harsh words that those kind of thoughts that you've had, Those harsh words, With kinder more supportive ones and see what that feels like. We all want to feel good don't we? And practicing being kinder to ourselves is just that, It's a practice. Notice the judgmental voice, Notice the harsh criticism that you hear that's maybe your soundtrack. Maybe you grew up hearing words like that or maybe you've got caught up in the need for perfection which is everywhere on social media isn't it? And we've kind of lost touch and maybe you've done this as well, We've lost touch with the beauty within us and maybe try this as part of this self-compassion practice is to inhale and to pause and to exhale and to pause and see what you notice then. And another thing that you can try is to challenge your negative thoughts. Are they really true? Ask yourself is what I'm saying actually true? One of the things that I would again say to clients is would what you're saying hold up in front of a judge? And the answer is invariably no. You can ask yourself if what you're saying is helpful and I doubt it is. And how might you reframe this, These negative thoughts? How can you reframe it? And maybe that's something you can you can chat through with somebody that you care deeply about. You know maybe it's with your best friend or your partner. You can actually have a conversation about it. You know what could I see differently here? What am I missing? What could I see differently that's going to help me reframe these negative thoughts? You may well have spent a whole lifetime being hard on yourself and please don't judge that. Maybe the idea of being kind feels like a huge stretch right now and that's okay. The most important step is noticing. Simply notice when you're being hard on yourself and that's going to be enough for now. Maybe practicing some mindfulness to help you stay in the present would be good here and you can avoid ruminating on the past and getting stressed about things in the future that may or may not happen. Grounding techniques, Things that help you settle are really good here. Do some breath work or maybe a body scan or maybe and this is always the thing that I do is go into nature and help nature calm your senses and your mind. It's incredible what spending some time amongst the trees can achieve. I hope you found that helpful. Do leave a comment for me or any question that you might have about that and I will be sure to get back to you. Look after yourself, Go easy and I'll speak to you again soon.