Hi,
I'm Rebecca.
I've been a wellbeing and resilience coach for over 16 years.
Last year I had a huge test and that was in the form of breast cancer.
I was diagnosed in November 22 and I finished treatment in November 23.
I'd like to share today a little bit about one of the greatest insights I had last year.
I'd like to start with a quote from Carl Rogers,
The famous American psychologist.
He said,
It's not until I accept myself just as I am that I am free to change,
Or words to that effect.
I'd like you to consider that.
You may be listening to this audio because you yourself are going through cancer,
Cancer treatment.
You may have recovered or it may be something completely different and you're just interested in the meaning of what I want to talk about,
Which is radical acceptance.
So consider that quote again for a minute.
It's not until I accept myself just as I am that I am free to change.
The problem is that we long for things to be different,
Don't we?
I certainly did.
We think we've got to fight to change for things to change,
For things to be different.
We kind of get into the boxing ring with our issue,
Condition,
Whatever that is.
For me that was cancer.
It could be an eating disorder,
It could be anxiety,
Depression,
Feelings of stress and overwhelm.
Whatever it is,
We think we've got to do battle with it.
How does that make you feel when you think about having to go into battle with something?
The minute I feel I have to kind of get my armour on,
I can feel the stress in my body and I know that no good will come from that.
And yet the opposite,
Which is what I want to talk about here,
Is complete and utter acceptance of how things are right now that then enables us to be free to see something different.
And I know that this feels difficult.
If we consider cancer for a moment,
The language around cancer is all about fighting cancer,
About beating cancer.
And I find that really tough.
They even say when somebody dies that they lost their battle with cancer and I find that deeply upsetting.
So when I was going through my treatment,
I said to my friends and my family,
I don't want to hear any language around battling,
Fighting,
Because cancer is in my body and I need to find a way to accept that and to be in the best place mentally and emotionally and spiritually to be able to come through that.
I hope that makes sense.
I didn't want to have to deal and cope with and fight my cancer diagnosis.
I wanted it to go away.
I wanted to be living someone else's life.
At the start of,
Well actually when I was diagnosed,
I suddenly felt that I had jumped tracks,
That I was hurtling forwards now on what felt like somebody else's tracks and I would turn behind and look behind me and see my life as it was disappearing into the distance.
And accepting that,
Accepting that I was hurtling now forwards in a different direction,
Completely different direction,
Felt like giving up somehow,
That I had to,
I didn't want to surrender to this,
If that makes sense,
In this kind of giving up kind of way.
And maybe that resonates with you a little.
Eckhart Tolle says,
Acceptance looks like a passive state,
But in reality it brings something entirely new into the world.
That peace,
A subtle energy vibration is consciousness and that consciousness,
Our awareness if you like,
The minute we can accept that this is how it is right now,
In this moment,
Allows us then the opportunity to see something different and to see things differently.
But when we stay stuck in that non-acceptance state,
It locks us down and then we're really stuck.
And for me,
The only way is through unconditional kindness,
Unconditional love towards ourselves and that's what I had to learn and to experience.
And that to me,
That softening is more about leaning into acceptance.
And I love the word radical.
Radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance of this,
Which meant embracing it,
Believing and accepting that,
Okay,
This is where I am right now.
I have breast cancer and how am I going to come through this?
How am I going to accept the chemo that I have to go through and accept the surgery and accept the radiotherapy that I have to go through?
How am I going to do that in a way that I feel love for myself,
Embracing it?
Because think about this for a moment.
Just feel this in your body and take a moment to feel this in your body.
Because when I would go and sit in the chemo unit and I would be there waiting for the nurses to cannulate me and for the chemotherapies to go into my body,
Knowing how hard it was,
And to be able to sit there and allow it in,
To welcome it in,
Rather than being tense and stiff in my body of being terrified and hating it.
I had to come to some kind of balance where I could allow it in and know that this is what had to happen for me to give myself the best chance of ridding my body of cancer.
And whatever screaming noise was going on in my head or is maybe going on in your head,
We can still lean in.
We can still say that it's okay to feel what we feel.
It's okay.
Because you see,
Underneath all of the pain or underneath all of the fear,
I believe that there's a stillness,
That there's a loving,
Peaceful,
Connected state that we are all in.
And I found that easier to access when I was radically accepting what was going on for me in that moment,
Rather than fighting it.
I love using.
.
.
I live by the sea and I love using the sea as a metaphor for so many things.
And I'd like you to consider this for a minute.
However choppy the sea is on the surface,
However big the waves are,
However big the drag of the waves receding is,
You go down a metre or so and the sea's perfectly still.
It's unaffected by the turbulence on the surface,
Isn't it?
And so it is for us.
And so it is for me.
And so it is for you.
Whatever the noise we've got going on in our minds,
Our well-being is always there just beneath the surface.
And we can access that at any time.
We just need to realise that by accepting ourselves,
Accepting the situation,
Accepting that this is where I am right now,
And however uncomfortable and distressing that is,
That's okay.
And I feel emotional now just talking about this and sharing this with you.
The thing is,
And this is really important to remember,
That nothing is static.
Everything is always moving.
And we can only ever notice how we feel moment by moment.
And if a day for me began feeling dreadful,
I was terrified,
I felt numb,
Exhausted,
The chances are that I won't be feeling like that later in the day.
Or the following day.
Everything is in flux.
Change is always happening.
Our thoughts and our feelings are always moving and transforming.
And nothing lasts forever.
However shocking you might feel in this moment,
Know that that will change.
And yet the more we fix on it and hate the feelings,
It seems to make them more sticky and liable to hang around.
And if we are able to accept that this is how we feel right now,
It kind of gives it permission to transform.
This is what I've found anyway.
Accepting it in the moment brings a sense and a feeling of peace which allows the feeling to move on.
And maybe you've already had a glimpse of this and you found that to be true.
Because knowing this was so helpful for me,
It gave me hope,
Particularly when I was struggling and when I was at my lowest.
Tara Brack,
One of the teachers here on Insight Timer,
Says,
Whatever we cannot embrace with love imprisons us,
Whatever it is.
If we're at war with it,
With it,
We stay in prison.
Does that resonate with you?
Because I found that incredibly helpful to know that the more I fought,
The more I battled,
The more I hated,
The more I got fearful and stuck in this why me and the judgmental bit of me kept me in prison.
And I had days like that sometimes.
And then I would have this realization,
Oh,
I'm judging,
I'm not accepting.
But if we can truly see this,
That by radical acceptance,
That that is the way forward through loving kindness,
That's the way we get out of prison.
She also says that deep,
Unconditional tenderness is the prerequisite for change.
And that's something,
This tenderness that I learned to have for myself,
That's where change occurs.
I used to sit and hold myself and rock myself in a tender,
Gentle way,
Being the mother to me at the time,
Really helped me kind of radically accept where I am right now.
I'd love to know what you see in this for you and whether what I've been sharing here about radical acceptance on my journey through cancer.
And as I said at the start,
You may be going through something different you may be caring for somebody,
Or you may be going through your own illness or an act physical or mental,
Or anxiety,
Whatever it is for you.
I'd love to know what your thoughts are on this.
And I hope that this short talk today has given you some food for thought and some hope.
I'll see you again next time.
Bye.
