Ch 1: Why We Don't Give Ourselves Permission

Before we can change our lives, we have to understand what’s holding us back. In this chapter, we explore the hidden fears, societal pressures, and limiting beliefs that stop us from permitting ourselves to grow, speak up, or even dream. You’ll begin to see that you’re not alone—and that your resistance has roots. With awareness comes choice. This is the first step toward reclaiming your freedom.

Listen on, and we will navigate the seven seas to freedom together.

Ch 1: Why We Don't Give Ourselves Permission: 'Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life', written and read by Priya Rana Kapoor (Balboa Press) ©2014/2025 Priya Rana Kapoor

Transcript

Chapter 1.

Why We Don't Give Ourselves Permission Awareness is 50% of growth.

Louise L.

Hay Jack A story of not giving oneself permission.

Footnote 1 All client names and selected scenarios have been changed to preserve people's privacy and mask their true identity.

Meet Jack.

He is 36 years old and his life revolves around working relentlessly for the paycheck he brings home every month.

There are days when he looks in the mirror and doesn't even recognize himself in the life he has created.

Let's see how Jack got to where he is today.

Shortly after graduating from university,

Jack found himself working for a good company and on track for a great career.

He liked his job and he worked hard during the week,

But took time for himself as well.

A couple of nights a week,

He went out with his friends,

Played sports,

And sometimes had a drink or two.

Jack felt really good about his choices and he was happy to know how proud his parents were of his achievements.

Jack was doing so well at work that he was promoted,

He was given more responsibilities,

And took on more managerial duties.

He met a woman,

Fell in love,

And got married.

He was earning a great salary and was able to buy a house and a car.

Jack and his wife wanted to give their children the best of everything and thus sent them to good schools.

His wife gave up her job to stay at home and take care of them.

The other kids at school came from wealthy families.

They went on fancy holidays and Jack's children wanted to do the same.

Whilst Jack's work was still going well,

He felt under enormous pressure to keep the money rolling in.

One day,

Jack realized that he was just not happy.

Now,

He is still a good manager and he still earns a good salary,

So why does Jack feel so miserable most of the time?

He feels as though he is being pulled in all directions and has lost control of his life.

Does he even enjoy his work anymore?

He doesn't think so,

But he's not sure.

The stress of keeping up is starting to wear him down and he has begun to fight with his wife.

She always seems to want him to be more something,

But she is struggling with her own issues too.

Jack is just trying to stay above water.

He has no idea what he really likes doing.

He misses working with his hands.

He used to create things and tinker with electronics in the shed on weekend afternoons.

But Jack feels he has absolutely no time for himself anymore.

When he is at home,

The family wants to socialize with their neighbors,

But he resists because he's so tired after a long day in the office.

He feels bad about it and he can see that his family is upset with him and disappointed because he doesn't seem to understand their needs.

He is utterly fed up.

With so many things apparently going well,

Why is Jack so unhappy?

Rather than giving himself permission to really think about what he wants for his life,

Jack's experience has been like riding a train rather than driving a car.

He got on,

But he doesn't feel like he's dictating the direction it's going.

The train whizzes by all sorts of interesting places,

But it never stops for him to get off or take a look around.

Jack feels as though he will never get off.

He wonders at what point he lost control of his life and how he can get back in the driver's seat.

If you've ever felt as though you've been on a train that seems to be heading towards a destination you didn't choose,

You are,

Unfortunately,

Not alone.

The word permission is used a lot in the self-help personal development industry in product- and service-driven businesses,

In politics,

Really all over the place.

But what does it mean?

I use the concept of giving yourself permission to describe what happens when you decide and allow yourself to do what is best for you,

Whether that is saying no to a needy friend,

Taking care of your immediate needs so you can be more present with your relationships,

Or sometimes even allowing yourself to think about what you might want to do with your life.

This all sounds simple enough,

But consistently people bark at the very idea.

At points I have suggested to some clients that they are not giving themselves permission to be their best.

Their initial response is often to reject the notion completely.

Why would I do that,

They say?

That doesn't make any sense.

Who would not let themselves follow their dreams?

They're correct.

It doesn't make sense.

And still this is exactly what we do.

We think we want something,

But for some reason we hold ourselves back from taking the steps necessary to achieve it.

A huge number of personal development books and programs are successful at giving you tools to empower yourself on the outside.

They often encourage people to attempt quite daring feats,

Such as bungee jumping or climbing some very high mountain.

All of this is part of a process of goal setting and action planning,

And the idea is for people to make very ambitious goals and then work hard to realize them.

It's all very valid work,

But I would argue that for many people something else has to happen first,

Long before they reach the stage of even being able to vocalize their long-term goals.

Many people need to build firm foundations of confidence and self-worth that will enable them to take the reins of personal responsibility and give themselves permission to start looking at what they want for their lives.

They need to learn how to give themselves permission to make small advances before they're able to make great strides.

Those tentative first steps forward are often the hardest steps of all to take,

But are the ones that elicit the most satisfaction when achieved and which lead to greater long-term sustainability of new habits and behavior.

And far from being selfish,

People also become better friends,

Partners,

Sons,

Daughters,

Siblings,

And co-workers.

In modern society,

We usually think of permission in terms of someone else granting us the authority to do something.

A passport allows us to get on a plane and enter another country,

And a driving license lets us take to the road.

However,

It is now time for you to give yourself that passport,

Which will grant you the permission to travel to places unknown,

The license to take care of yourself,

And the liberty to be creative and free.

At this point,

Let's pull everything apart.

Then very quickly,

We will build it all back up again,

But this time in a more fulfilling way for you.

Without a little understanding as to how and why we got ourselves into this predicament,

It will be more difficult to lay that very solid foundation that will allow us to build the house that will stand for many years and multiple generations.

How we live our lives today dictates the legacy we pass on.

What is stopping us?

Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another,

Madonna.

So why aren't we letting ourselves do and be who we want to be?

It seems counterintuitive,

Doesn't it?

There are many reasons we don't give ourselves permission to do certain things,

And here are a few of the main ones.

Have no fear.

Once we look at why we are holding ourselves back,

We will look at each issue again in the subsequent chapters and explore ways to rid ourselves of these blocks.

The main reason people don't give themselves permission to live authentically or to make decisions that are in their best interest is because they're afraid.

They fear what others will think,

Fear taking risks that may lead to failure or of making a mistake,

Fear the unknown,

Or fear being selfish.

These fears hold them back from taking the biggest risk of all,

Living their own lives.

Essentially,

We feel fear because we don't believe in our abilities and ourselves.

When we were children and we were given a gold star at school,

We couldn't wait to get home and show it to mom and dad.

And as adults,

We still want the people in our lives to be pleased with who we are and what we do.

Many go through life worrying about what other people will think of them,

Whether they're doing the right thing or whether they're living up to others' expectations of them.

They choose what they will and will not do based on what they perceive others will approve of.

When we're being honest,

Most of us will admit that we care very deeply about what other people think of us.

Humans are social animals,

After all.

Being connected to others is fundamental to our species.

1991 Many prioritize others' opinions of their achievement,

Or what they imagine those opinions to be,

Over their own.

They choose careers,

Relationships,

Or lifestyles not on the basis of what they want and need,

But what they think others want and need from them.

Other times,

Rather than explicitly trying to please their families or other important people in their lives,

People focus on trying to impress society as a whole.

When they worry about what others think,

They perceive that they are under constant judgment,

And this makes them feel quite vulnerable,

Which is an emotional trait many would rather not feel and would sooner hide.

In their quest to be accepted,

They often lose sight of what they really want in life.

They can get to a point where they're even afraid to think or dream of what they want for themselves,

And at the same time,

They relinquish the responsibility for achieving it.

They spend so long trying to live up to what they suppose others' expectations for them are,

That they forget their own dreams completely and don't make a change for fear of disappointing someone.

They often put themselves last because they don't value or truly care about themselves.

They look for safety from those around them and don't allow themselves to achieve all that they truly believe they can.

By seeking permission,

Approval,

And positive feedback from others,

They place themselves in a subordinate position.

Many people experience a profound and disabling fear of change.

On the surface,

They're afraid of change itself and worry about what might happen or what people will think of them if they evolve and become different.

I've worked with many clients who carry a lot of guilt because their parents have always wanted them to go into the family business or be a doctor,

A lawyer,

Or an architect.

They feel that they're expected to do what their families have always wanted for them.

Often financial security,

Outward respectability,

Or both are very important to these clients' parents,

And those parents have communicated this to their children.

Other clients are conflicted about having gone further than their working-class parents.

They might be the first member of their families to go to university or find white-collar jobs,

And now they might be under pressure from their parents for having turned their back on their roots.

Still,

Other clients feel the discontent of their parents for not having been successful enough.

Some have star brothers and sisters and feel that they could never measure up,

So why bother trying?

Once these people are in this situation,

They feel boxed in by conflicting pressures,

And as a result,

Making change can be too difficult.

Other people tell themselves,

If I make some changes at work,

Become successful,

And make more money,

Then I'll be expected to take care of everyone and my family responsibilities will be overwhelming.

Or,

If my business grows,

I will have more paperwork to do.

Goodness,

I hate paperwork.

People are sometimes unconsciously afraid of what success will bring,

And because of that fear,

They sabotage their chances and essentially get in their own way.

I know this may seem ridiculous and counterproductive,

But it is an example of the quirky little tricks the mind and fear can play on us.

People who carry these feelings encounter a barrier that stops them from having the sort of lives they really want.

They feel that they're not good enough,

But they want to please the people they care about whilst earning the respect of society.

It's all very complicated.

Regret As we get older,

We sometimes look at where we are now and wish we had done things differently in the past.

We might say to ourselves,

If only I had done another degree,

Or,

If only I had gone into finance when I left school,

I would not always be so worried about money.

People often think it's too late to change things and therefore live in a perpetual state of regret.

Living like this blocks our ability to give ourselves permission to do anything.

Mixed messages Many of my clients have grown up listening to real or perceived mixed messages.

They have taken on board messages like,

Do well at school and work,

But not as well as me.

You can do or have anything in life,

But don't be selfish.

Or,

It's important to be attractive to the opposite sex,

But not too attractive,

Or people will think you're loose.

Other clients haven't been provided with clear boundaries for many reasons.

Because they don't always know what is allowed and what is not,

They often think their situation to be unsafe.

Understandably,

This can result in a whole lot of confusion and insecurity,

And often these anxieties persist well into adulthood.

Social constraints Navigating our lives can be tremendously stressful.

On top of the expectations those close to us may have for our decisions and behavior,

Society's expectations have changed a lot in recent decades and are continuing to evolve at a dizzying rate.

Whilst the world is undeniably easier in many ways,

It is also more complicated and can be more difficult to navigate.

Our roles as members of our communities and our families are less clear-cut than in previous times.

Whereas people once lived in intensely social environments,

Modern societies today are filled with isolated individuals.

Today,

People often feel that they're being weak when they have to ask for help with their children or other responsibilities.

When previously,

Collaboration was the norm.

Many now feel that they are being judged as incapable when they show vulnerability.

In the past,

People tended to be born into a particular social strata and culture and,

From early on,

Basically knew how their lives would pan out.

Today,

Most of us have a huge amount of freedom to choose where and how we live.

That is a wonderful opportunity,

But it also is a responsibility that can be quite overwhelming,

As too much choice can be paralyzing.

Many find themselves struggling to fill multiple roles at the same time,

To be a successful business person,

A full-time parent,

A supportive partner,

And a dutiful grown-up son or daughter.

Unlike our ancestors,

We don't always have a template to follow for how to behave in most situations.

So,

For better or worse,

We have to recognize that now more than ever,

We're responsible for making the hard choices for our own lives.

We're no longer funneled through a set of criteria,

Dictated by our socioeconomic backgrounds,

Educations,

Or cultures.

We have to take on even more personal responsibility than we might have had in the past,

And therefore,

It's even more important that we give ourselves permission to follow the path that is right for us.

There are many derogatory and sometimes quite humorous terms used for people who look within and find answers from themselves or a higher power.

Many people see working with a therapist or coach,

Or being spiritual,

As a sign of weakness.

In fact,

It recently came to someone's attention that I was working with a person considered to be quite successful in her field,

And the first person was amazed and asked why the successful person needed a coach.

This client was doing very well but wanted to do better.

It dawned on me that many people think that only those who have problems or are not doing well seek professional help or try to better themselves.

The common view is that only people in dire straits explore their own feelings and needs.

This makes me incredibly sad,

Because people who think this way are missing out on a very rich world of knowledge and understanding of themselves.

And,

In the vein of Louise Hay's succinct and pointed quote at the start of this chapter,

Awareness is 50% of growth.

Without knowing yourself and how you work,

How are you going to recognize what you want in life,

And how are you going to figure out how to get it?

If exploring your spirituality in some way,

In accordance with any doctrine,

Is supportive and feels right,

Then embrace those opportunities.

Sometimes you might feel more comfortable keeping your practice private,

But go ahead.

Navel gaze.

Read touchy-feely literature.

Explore the woo-woo.

Talk with an angel or two if you like.

And know that you can give yourself permission to explore what makes you tick.

It will only help in the long run.

Man is condemned to be free,

Because once thrown into the world,

He is responsible for everything he does.

Jean-Paul Sartre.

All too often,

We blame others for why our lives have not turned out the way we would have wanted them to.

Yes,

Others may have said or done something hurtful,

Rude,

Or even abusive.

But we are the only ones who can control how that makes us feel,

How it limits us,

And how we allow those words or actions to dictate the rest of our lives.

Taking personal responsibility can often be difficult and painful,

As it requires us to take a long,

Hard look at ourselves.

This in no way means taking the blame for everything,

But it does mean admitting our role in a situation or issue.

Like it or not,

We are in charge of everything we feel,

Think,

And do.

We are responsible for how we interact with others,

What we say,

And the decisions we make for our lives.

Recognizing this is called taking personal responsibility,

And unfortunately,

It can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow.

In my personal and professional experience,

When we come from a place of taking personal responsibility for our thoughts and actions,

Life becomes much easier.

Personal responsibility is the stem of all empowerment.

Cleverly,

We can all come up with many seemingly valid excuses to defer taking responsibility for ourselves.

I once had a client who told me that he would never be able to make a success of his life because his father was so discouraging.

He has never respected my achievements,

My client explained.

He always puts me down.

When we talked through what was really going on,

It became clear that the fact that his father was indeed discouraging had effectively given my client an excuse to not work as diligently as he could,

Push as hard as possible,

And reach for the stars.

On one level,

He wanted all the success that,

Intellectually speaking,

He knew he was capable of.

But on another,

He felt a degree of comfort in knowing that if his career didn't turn out as luminous as it might,

He could always tell himself and everyone else that it was his father's fault for not being supportive.

He could have been a big star in his field if only Dad had been more generous with his support.

Fundamentally,

As you will hear,

When you know you matter,

You will give yourself permission to do whatever you feel is right for you.

You have to allow yourself to think you can and need to do what you think is best for you.

Recognizing that you are worthwhile enough to care for yourself will lead to greater things.

By practicing self-care and by nurturing your self-worth and self-confidence,

You will start to become more comfortable with yourself and your aspirations and be better able to lay the foundations for and construct your wonderful life.

You will strengthen your trust in yourself and your power of intuition as well as your ability to assess situations realistically,

Regardless of how stressful they may be.

This may involve dramatic or minuscule changes for you,

But the result will be to give yourself permission to live in accordance with the real you.

Before you come out and declare your goals and ambitions and make big steps towards achieving them,

You can explore everything you need to do for yourself in a very quiet way from within,

At your own pace and in your own time.

It's important that this exploration comes before you make a big splash on the scene.

In time,

You will be able to do that bungee jump or climb that mountain.

Ultimately,

You will reach the great success or other achievements that you're working towards and can unveil it to others.

But for now,

It might be easier and safer to be on a covert mission.

Where do we go from here?

For all the reasons discussed in this chapter and more,

Many of us find it painfully difficult to give ourselves permission to change our lives for the better.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be as laborious as we might think.

You can start making real changes right now by giving yourself permission to explore what you need to do to be happy and free.

The chapters that follow will serve as a guide to understanding,

Identifying,

And implementing the tools that will allow you to be comfortable with taking personal responsibility and giving yourself permission to make decisions that are in your best interest.

This is The Permission Journey.

Mostly,

This book is about all the people out there who are far closer to realizing their goals than they know.

It is about you.

It is about them.

And to some extent,

It is also about me because I have lived through and continue to deal with issues related to letting myself be the person I need to be.

So,

Are changes of this sort achievable?

Absolutely.

Simple?

Far more than you might think.

Easy?

Well,

Not necessarily.

But then we have just finished the first chapter.

We have the rest of the book to discuss the steps you can take to start creating the life you have always wanted.