Softening The Hardness

In this guided meditation, we explore the technique of softening our response to events that we encounter in our daily lives. Like physical fitness training where we do repetitions of simple exercises or light weights, the idea is to repeat the softening exercise in our response to a wandering mind while meditating. Doing this while the stakes are low in practice allows us to build the muscles that will then show up for us in our daily lives. Then, when challenging situations arise, instead of ‘losing it’, we keep it. We keep the power, the dignity and the respect.

I would love to hear if this practice resonates for you and I try to respond to every comment. Your feedback is helpful in learning and growing as a mindfulness meditation teacher. Thank you!

Background Music courtesy Narek Mirzaei/Music of Wisdom

Transcript

Softening the Hardness Hello again, It's John here. I'm so glad to be able to connect with you. In caring for ourselves in this way, We're also caring for the world that we all share. Ironically, If we've never learned the skill or strategy of softening to the hardness of life, The softening itself can seem hard. Crazy, Right? But it's a great place to start. Softening to the idea of softening in general is a pathway to seeing how it can work. I think it might be helpful here to bring in this Buddhist concept of the second arrow. If you're not familiar, It's basically that while the first arrow is outside of our control, The second one is. That first arrow could be physical pain, Like a sudden injury, Loss, Uncontrollable events that just happen, And the second arrow is our reaction to the first. That reaction could be anger, Self-blame, Self-criticism, Or fear, Or maybe rumination. If we frame the first arrow as being in the hard category, A lot of these reactions are meeting that hardness with more hardness. What mindfulness opens the door to is a gentler, Kinder response to the first arrow. That may seem challenging at first, But that's only because those reactions, Or some might call overreactions, Are habitual and well practiced over years or decades. So the first way we can practice a response that serves our well-being and doesn't cause increased suffering from the first issue, Or arrow, Is to soften to the concept itself. Hardening would mean something like, Oh man, I'm such a failure for practicing these bad habits for so long and causing myself so much additional suffering. Softening would sound more like, Ah, I see the pain that I have endured and it's completely understandable. I am an imperfect human being and I am on a lifelong path of learning and healing. Here is an opportunity to learn, Grow, And ease my suffering. I forgive myself for the self-inflicted pain I have caused. Perhaps you're also seeing here how the reactions can sometimes become multi-layered. We react to the first arrow, Then we react to the reaction, And then we react to the reaction of the reaction, And so on. All of it is human, My friends, And all of it is understandable, Forgivable, And a great launching pad into joy. Maybe you've listened to my other track titled, What's the Best That Could Happen? It certainly applies here. Let's meditate together. Start by closing your eyes if you haven't already, Or if you happen to be traveling on a bus or something and you don't feel comfortable in public with your eyes closed, Go ahead and leave them open. You may just simply prefer to meditate with your eyes open, And that's perfectly okay. We can soften into that, Right? Now, Beginning our meditations with a few slow, Deep breaths isn't just a good idea. It actually triggers the vagus nerve to send a signal to the brain that we are safe, Reducing the fight, Flight, Or freeze response. Amongst other things, It also brings awareness to the present moment, Shifting focus away from anxious thoughts and calming the mind. So, Let that sink in as you take a nice, Slow inhale, Feeling the whole body expand, And then a slow, Releasing exhale. You can even let out a nice, Big sigh on the exhale. Again, Slow, Deep inhale, And then ahhh. Try that one more time. The breath is always present, Which is why it's such a good point of focus. It's always here, And it's always now. The body is always present too, So we can rest our attention in the body and or on the breath and feel grounded in this present. Then without any intention or control, We can let the body breathe naturally as it knows very well how to be. Mindfulness has formal practice, Like we're doing right now in meditation, And then informal practice is when we bring the skills and techniques we practice in meditation into our daily lives when we're away from the formal practice. In physical fitness, We might go to the gym or practice some other form of intentional physical activity, Like walking, Running, Or swimming, And these we might consider a formal practice that we then bring into our daily lives of mobility and healthy being. The formal builds the muscles that we then use in the informal. We have more stamina and feel less fatigued at the end of the day. Whatever formal physical exercise we're doing, The idea is essentially to do repetitions of a workable amount that builds the muscles over time. What we achieve through an hour of dedicated activity cannot be duplicated by trying something shorter and harder, At least not without the risk of injury. With this concept of softening the hardness in mindfulness, We can grasp the idea and simply hope that it shows up the next time we face a crisis, But we are much more likely to have that happen if we've practiced it first. And one of the best ways to practice each time we meditate is to soften every time we recognize that our mind has wandered from our intended focus. When the mind wanders, Not if, Because everyone's mind wanders, And we react by saying to ourselves, I'm no good at this, Or I have a busy mind and I can't stay focused, We are practicing meeting a basic human inclination with hardness. Each time we meet that wandering mind with soft, Understanding, Loving-kindness, We are practicing meeting the potential hardness with softness. It's almost like we start to want the mind to wander because it allows us to practice. If we sit for 20 minutes and the mind wanders 50 times, We've had 50 opportunities to build the skill of softening the hardness, To repeat and instill a new habit. If we have a looping problem that keeps surfacing as we meditate, Pushing against it is hard. Allowing it to be, Recognizing the benefit of welcoming all intrusions of our intention is soft. Learning to soften around hardness does not equal weakness. Sometimes the word soft means that we are a pushover and can be taken advantage of. That's not the muscles we're building here, Nor is it what we're practicing. Being mindful takes strength and resiliency as well as practice. As our practice grows, Our strength and resiliency grows, And we learn to trust it. When we are out in the real world and we become aware that we are being taken advantage of or an attempt to, We can communicate our boundaries with calm assertion. Meeting that situation with a controlled mindful response is powerful. Instead of losing it, We keep it. The power, The dignity, The respect. May you be well, My friends. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be at peace. May you meet the hardness of life with softness of spirit. May you be strong in building a world of kindness. See you next time.