Self Led: Less Performing, More Living

You're not performing your life because something is wrong with you. You're performing it because somewhere along the way, you learned that managing the room was safer than telling the truth. This session is about changing that — not all at once, and not dramatically.
In this track, Janine introduces the Choosing Check — a simple body-based practice to help you notice, in real time, whether you're making a genuine choice or just managing a situation. She then walks you through five micro-shifts: small, low-stakes acts of self-leadership you can try in ordinary moments this week.

This isn't about blowing up your life. It's about choosing yourself once today. And then again tomorrow. And watching what quietly begins to change.
You'll leave this session with one micro-shift to try, a truth script to carry into the week, and a fill-in-the-blank integration practice that makes the learning real.

Transcript

Before we do anything, Let's come back to you first and foremost. One hand on your chest, One hand on your belly, One big slow breath in and let it out. One more. Deep breath in. Nice big inhale. Now release. Letting that release take longer than it did to inhale. Let's go for one more nice big inhale. And a nice audible exhale. Great, I see you and I am so glad you're here with me today. In our last session together, The regulated woman is unstoppable. We talked about your nervous system, We built your regulation menu, And we named the difference between activation and freeze. And we practiced the truth that you cannot think your way into regulation. That you have to feel safe enough to think at all. If you tried even one tool from that session, Even once, Even imperfectly, I want you to know that was self-leadership and that truly counted. Now I want to ask you something, And I want you to just let the honest answer rise up from within. Don't edit. Don't judge it. Okay. Here we go. When did you start performing your life instead of living it? Was it when you were young? When you learned that being agreeable kept the peace. Maybe it was in a relationship when you figured out that making yourself small or invisible really made the other person more comfortable. Or maybe it was when your children were born and you felt like they were the most deserving of your time. And was that change or shift so gradual that you can't even name the moment? Maybe it was just a slow accumulation of yeses that you didn't really mean. Those opinions that you swallowed. The needs that you decided weren't worth maybe mentioning. You know, Most of us can't point to a single day, But we all know the feeling. And for some of us going through our. . . Perimenopause or menopausal phase. You know, I think that's a time that women truly look back and see pretty clearly when we lost ourselves. It's that low-grade exhaustion of never quite being yourself in your own life. Maybe it's the smile that you put on before you walk through the door, The version of you that shows up managed, Curated, And carefully adjusted for the room. And underneath her. The real one. Quietly waiting, And yes, A little tired of waiting. So here's what I want you to understand that performance. It doesn't always look dramatic, Right? Sometimes it creeps in quietly. Sometimes it looks maybe like monitoring everyone's energy before you speak. Sometimes it looks like laughing at something that wasn't funny. When you're at lunch with your girlfriends. And sometimes it looks like overexplaining a decision that truly didn't require an explanation at all. Like saying. . . I don't care, Whatever you want. When you actually do care, Right? You actually do mind what's happening and you really want to say or do something and you decide to just lock it up and dismiss it, Maybe because it's easier than facing it. Because it feels responsible. It can even feel like love. But here is. What it's going to cost you over time when you keep doing that. It's going to cost you. The relationship with yourself. I know for sure. I've spent years being very good at reading every room that I've walked into and very bad at reading myself. I could tell you what everyone else needed before they asked, But, You know, I'm the first to admit that I could not always tell you what I needed. Not because I didn't have needs, But it was because I had gotten so good at managing outward, That I really stopped checking inward. And here's what I know about women recovering from performance mode. You know, They don't need a total life overhaul and they don't need to walk away from it all. What they truly need is micro shifts, Small, Consistent daily choices that say, I am someone. My needs are real and my truth matters. We don't need. Grand gestures. We don't need dramatic announcements. Not blowing up your life on a Tuesday only to regret. That on Wednesday, Right? We just need tiny daily acts of choosing. Ourself. And that's what this session is about. So let's do the return together. One hand on your chest, One hand on your belly. Take a nice deep breath, Filling your chest and belly completely. Exhale slowly, Longer than the inhale. Nice. Let's do that again. Nice inhalation. Try counting to five. Hold it at the top. Three, Two, One, Exhale. Beautiful. One more. Nice inhalation. One, Two, Three, Four. Hold it. And release 1, 2, 3, 4 Now, Ask yourself. What am I feeling right now? What is true right now? What do I need next? Hello, Beautiful. You are here. You've landed in that safe zone. Now, I want to give you a body-based tool that you can carry into your week, And I call it the choosing. And this is how it works. Before you say yes to something, Before you agree, Before you volunteer, Step in the room, Or take it all on, I want you to pause. I want you to place one hand on your belly and ask yourself quietly, Am I choosing this or am I micromanaging something? I want you to notice what comes up in your body when you sit with that question. Let me ask it again. Am I choosing this? Or am I trying to micromanage something? Notice what comes up in your body when you sit with that question. And I want you to know that choosing feels like expansion. It's a small, Quiet yes from somewhere inside of your chest. There might even be a little excitement in it. And managing. Is going to feel like a contraction. It's a slight hold in the throat. It's that tightness in your stomach. It's a subtle brace like you're already preparing for what's gonna come next. And you might even say to yourself. Should I even be doing this right now? Should I even be saying this right now? Is the contraction. That is what management feels like. You don't have to act on what you notice yet. And you don't have to change anything today. I just want you to start noticing when that comes up because the awareness in that moment of, Oh, Here I am again. I'm managing. That is always the first micro shift. And I want to give you The Truth Tool. I want to give you five micro shifts to work with this week. If you don't do all five, I want you to at least pick one. So one that is going to land with you. One that feels like it's just at the edge of what you could try. It's not too safe. It's not too terrifying. It's just right at that edge. And that micro shift one might look like a pause. You don't have to respond in real time ever. You can always say, You know what, Let me think about that and I'll get back to you. Don't feel the need to answer the phone if your head is not in the right space. This week. Practice pausing before you answer. Even for two seconds. Just a breath. Just a beat. See what becomes available in that space. Microshift 2 would be dropping unnecessary apologies. That would look like every time you apologize for something that isn't yours. That is noticing that. Before you apologize for taking up space, For asking a question, For existing in a way that inconvenienced someone else. I want you to notice it and once, Just once, Don't apologize. See what happens and if it feels wrong to not say anything at all, Simply say, Thank you for understanding. See how that lands. Number three micro shift would be say what you actually want. Once a day, Something small. That would be you saying. You know what? I think I would rather have Thai food. Or I actually don't want to go. Or maybe it's a simple, You know what, Give me 10 more minutes before we talk. It doesn't have to be big. Because the small things count. This is a practice for the bigger ones. If none of those resignate. Try stopping the conversation one sentence sooner. I want you to notice when you're over explaining a choice, When you're in a conversation and you feel yourself defending a decision that didn't ask for a defense. Your choices do not require a full case file. Maybe it's something like, That doesn't work for me. That is gonna be enough, Right? You just simply say, That doesn't work for me. This week, Stop one sentence sooner than you normally would. Just one time. By just simply saying, That doesn't work for me, Without leading. With another. Explanation. Let's go into micro shift 5. This is when you notice who you perform for most. And this one is a really hard mirror for us. Because I don't want it to. . . Bring you shame. I don't want you to shame yourself for thinking of this person and not to pull away from anyone. I just want you to assess the situation just to get clear. And that entails who in your life requires the most performance from you? Whose presence do you adjust yourself for most? Maybe that's your partner, Maybe it's your child, A friend, Your boss, Or maybe even a co-worker. And I want you to know that By just naming that person and just seeing it clearly is one of the most powerful acts of self-leadership that you can do. And here is your takeaway truth script. You don't have to say this to anyone else yet, But I do want you to start believing it about yourself. And that is. I am not here to manage your feelings. I am here to tell you the truth with love. Again, I want you to repeat that aloud with me. I am not here to manage your feelings. I am here to tell you the truth with love. That sentence is not unkind. It's not cold and it is not selfish. It is what it looks like when a woman stops performing and starts showing up. And here's your one thing that I would like you to do from this session. It's gentle, It's doable, And it's more powerful than it looks. Pick one micro shift from today. Just one. And I want you to try it exactly once this week, In a real moment, Not a perfect one. Right when that person that you over perform for is coming at you, I want you to use one of those micro shift tools. And then I want you to write this sentence. Today, I chose myself by blank. And maybe that is gonna look like I chose myself by pausing before I said yes. Or I chose myself by not apologizing when I walked into a room. Maybe it's I chose myself by saying what I actually wanted for dinner. Or maybe it's, I chose myself by noticing I was managing. And I took one breath first. These are tiny, Real, And they are yours. That's how a self-led life gets built, Not through big dramatic life changes, But through consistent returns to self. And I'd like to leave you with this today. She's still in there. The version of you who says what she means, Who knows what she wants, Who doesn't disappear in a room full of others or at a dinner with friends. She never left. She's been waiting patiently, Quietly, For you to stop performing long enough to remember her. And you don't have to become her all at once. You just have to choose her once today. Once today is enough. So take one more breath in and let it all out because you are doing beautifully. And if you're going to join me in the next session. Truth without heat. We are going to be talking about how to say the hard thing without it turning into a firestorm. Because your truth deserves to be heard, Not just felt. That session is one I think you've been waiting for. And if something in today's session cracked something wide open, Please leave a review. I know it requires you to take a few extra steps if you're still visiting as a guest, Create an account, But those 30 seconds will help this work reach more women who need it. Or share this track with a woman in your life who's been managing everyone and slowly forgetting what she actually wants. You can share my profile with anyone you think that belongs here. And until next time, Less performing, More living, Less pleasing, And always, Always, Always speak. Truth.