Dialling Down The Guilt As We Build Real Self Care

We know that women experience stress and burnout differently. We carry a different mental load. We are culturally conditioned to put our own self care needs to the back of the line and often are not even aware of our own depletion until we are quite stressed. Not our fault or indeed anyone else's. No moral judgement. But we can build up compassion for ourselves as we continue to be a compassionate presence in the world. The route is through real self care. An important step is understanding what to do with the residual guilt as we give ourselves some care.

Transcript

As we begin to really invest in self-care,

Which is not full self-care of chocolate or sedating myself with Netflix or anything like that.

It's actually building up my own resilience and wellbeing.

It's saying,

Well,

D.

Hennessy,

Maybe it's not the smartest thing in the world if you leave yourself at the end of the line,

At the back of the queue forever,

Because there's always something more important or somebody more important.

Maybe this is your time,

D.

Hennessy,

For you to actually invest in you.

As we begin to do that,

There's a very common experience that we feel guilty.

I'm going to develop some boundaries.

I'm going to say no to some things.

And I say no.

And I'm just fearful of how people will hear that.

And I'm fearful of how people will judge me.

And I'm fearful of consequence.

So I'm full of guilt for suddenly turning into selfish D.

Hennessy.

This is very common experience.

I would say it's universal.

In some way,

It's universal.

So I just wanted to kind of alert in this space to the fact that that's not just you,

Or that's not just D.

Hennessy.

That guilt is kind of our cultural inheritance.

We're not really encouraged as women to invest in self-care.

There are thousands of years of tradition which suggests that D.

Hennessy should look after everything and everybody else first.

That's the right proper ladylike womanly thing to do.

So as I begin to develop self-care,

I'm going to feel the guilt of that.

And it's not even my guilt.

It's kind of cultural baggage.

So here's what we can do.

We can say,

Oh yeah,

As I begin to practice boundaries,

I am going to feel guilty.

That is the cultural heritage.

But what I can do is I can dial that volume down so that guilt becomes just a tiny bump in the background rather than a big loud noise that I'm going to allow me to sabotage my self-care with.

Do you know what I mean?

So accepting that guilt is part of the journey.

Knowing that the guilt is not D.

Hennessy,

It's cultural baggage,

Really.

And then knowing that I can dial down the volume of that guilt so that it's only a little gentle hum in the background.

So that's what I teach in Blossom to help us to stay true to our course in developing real resilience.

It's kind of a shame that we have to do it in specific ways as women,

But this is part of our particular context.

So.

I want to name three ways that we can practically support ourselves.

To accept that guilt is part of the background baggage and then to learn the skill of turning down the volume of that guilt so that it's only a whisper as we build our resilience.

I say them quickly,

So we're dealing with background noise.

That is the cultural heritage of guilt as we build resilience.

And I have three tips that I want to share for how we can deal with that.

Turn it down.

The first one is intention.

So if I'm going to the bother to invest in my self-care or to build resilience,

I want to know why am I doing this?

What is my intention?

And my intention is always linked to my values.

So that's a piece of work to do.

What is my intention?

What are the values I'm linked into as I develop real resilience?

And the second thing is a familiar theme here.

It's self-compassion.

So everyone in this room and everyone who will visit this video,

We all know what self-compassion is.

We know the theory so well.

Self-compassion put simply is being as kind to myself as I more naturally am to another.

So we know all about that.

We know it up here.

But in order to turn down that volume of guilt,

I've got to find a tiny way that I can practice self-compassion for myself.

So I'm going to share with you my way,

But everybody in this room will have different ways.

So you're just,

You're invited to find yours.

But my shorthand self-compassion,

I can just put my hand on my heart.

I feel my heartbeat.

And that immediately brings me to a place of,

Ah,

T,

You're okay.

So that's one self-compassion practice.

But you might have a form of words for you.

It might be snuggling up with your fur baby or whatever.

But the thing is,

If you want to turn down the volume of the guilt,

Your challenge is to find your intention,

Which is linked to your values,

And then know how you show yourself self-compassion one tiny way.

And that's your shorthand.

My shorthand is I put my hand on my heart.

Ah.

Maybe you couldn't bear that.

Maybe you have a different self-compassion practice.

And the third thing is kind of related to what we did last week,

You know,

And I find some time in the margins of the day to practice some self-care.

So I don't have to revolutionize my whole life.

In fact,

That's not advisable at all.

But I might develop one tiny habit that reminds me to support myself.

So I know two of my tiny habits that support me every day,

And I share them,

But I only shared them because I know that you will find your tiny habits.

So my two tiny habits that do get slotted into the margins of my day is I walk up five minutes from here is a famine graveyard.

I walk up,

I sit on the wall and I kind of connect with all that history and stories and the human journey.

That's one thing I do.

And the second thing is I do is one time in the day,

I treat myself to an actual cup of tea when I'm just drinking the tea.

Now,

That's as peculiar as I am.

But I'm only sharing it because I'm saying,

Do you know what your self-care practices?

What tiny slice.

So it's in the humdrum of the margins of the day of the tiny slices that we build a self-compassion and a self-care.

And those two things,

Along with knowing what my intention is,

Why am I here?

Why am I wanting to relax?

What's my intention?

And that's linked to my values.

If I can get those things lined up.

That guilt business.

It's just a small background home.

Part of the human story,

Part of the conditions of being a woman in the 21st century.

That's no biggie.

And it certainly isn't going to sabotage me so that I leave looking after myself always to the end of the line.

Make any sense?

Reviews

Very practical and doable. I enjoyed this very much. Cleared out my ideas of feeling guilty.

Even though I am a man, these concepts were passed to me from. Y mother who felt the need to take care of everyone first during my entire life. It exhausts her to this day. Thank you for the simple acts suggested to bring me back into the moment as I move through my day.

This does make sense, to answer your final question. And, it includes some very good advice and suggestions. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I like the part where you discussed the guilt would be a low hum in the background. 🙏🏻

This morning practice is my 'self care ' Dee. My grandmother immigrated from Ireland to Canada in 1919.. I could feel her and all the strong girls in my life in this heartfelt meditation of yours..
♥️

Makes complete sense Dee but..... I'm in a habit loop where self care = chocolate, cake or some other sugary treat. I really don't like myself for it, my body doesn't like it - fully aware I'm taking myself further away from self care - it's an ongoing battle!