Befriending Ourselves

This guided practice explores befriending ourselves—learning to treat our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the same kindness we would offer a good friend. It begins by noticing how easily self-criticism can arise, illustrated by a story from Sharon Salzberg, and invites a gentler way of relating.

Using the body or breath as an anchor, the practice moves through awareness of breathing, noticing pleasant and unpleasant experiences, and gradually cultivating kindness, allowing, and compassion. It closes by extending well-wishing to ourselves and others, encouraging a more supportive inner voice in daily life.

Transcript

So I thought we might explore the idea of befriending ourselves in this practice. It's often true that we find it difficult to treat ourselves as well as we treat others. And I'm sure we've all experienced interactions with ourselves that don't quite mirror how we would deal with the same situation if it involved a good friend or someone we love. This can be evident in the way that we speak to ourselves and the ways in which we sometimes are less forgiving of ourselves when things don't go the way we hope they would. In my own experience, I sometimes see this really clearly in my everyday experience of clumsiness. I was making a coffee at work the other day, Managed to knock the filter over, Resulting in coffee going everywhere. And I noticed how I spoke to myself. I won't share the words here, But I'd certainly use words that I would not have used had I been watching somebody else in the same situation. Now, This reminded me of a story by a famous American teacher called Sharon Salzberg, Who retells her experience of practicing forms of loving kindness meditation for many years with limited apparent results. And then after her everyday experience of clumsiness, She saw herself react to herself differently. Her inner voice said something along the lines of, You're a klutz, But I love you. In meditation practice, We're learning to befriend our minds and our experience, Offering ourselves the same level of care that we wouldn't think twice about offering to others. Whilst there can be a perception that extending feelings of befriending to ourselves can be somehow selfish or indulgent, A helpful metaphor that is often used is the instruction on an aeroplane that encourages us to affix our own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others. We're likely to be at our most helpful to others if we are solid, Grounded, And resourced. I thought we might spend the next few minutes exploring our experience with friendliness and kindness and firmly putting our oxygen masks in place. Knowing that extending or exploring our feelings towards ourselves can be difficult, I encourage a full sense of anchoring at the beginning of this guidance. So just know that if you notice anything difficult or anything you feel unable to sit with, Know that you can return to your anchor, Open your eyes, Shift your position, Or even end the practice. But just do whatever feels right to look after yourself. And know that befriending is a practice and like any other skill, It takes time to develop. Just taking a moment now to adjust your posture. Just finding a position for yourself that feels steady and grounding. Position that for you represents dignity and openness. Maybe starting by just taking a couple of deep breaths. And just noticing what's here for you in just this moment. Just noticing what's going on. In terms of thoughts, Maybe bodily sensations, Emotions. Again, Maybe taking a couple of deep breaths if it's helpful to just steady yourself. Tuning into a sense of arriving here. Perhaps even a sense of coming home, Coming home to this body and this breath. And the tangible reality of this moment. Knowing there's nowhere else you need to be, Nothing else you need to do. Nobody you need to be. Really taking a few moments now to find an anchor point for this practice. So it could be the feet. So maybe feeling the points of contact between the feet and whatever's supporting you. Maybe the seat. Maybe the sense of solidness that the seat's providing for you. It could be the hands. Maybe the rich flow of sensations in the fingers. Or perhaps feelings of contact wherever you're resting your hands. Or you might find that the breath is a helpful anchor. Perhaps noticing all the places that the breath shows up in the body. So from the expansion and contraction of the tummy. Perhaps the rise and fall of the chest. Maybe the air at the nostrils or the throat. And knowing that whichever anchor you've chosen, There's somewhere that you can return to at any time during this practice. If you feel any sense of overwhelm, Difficulty. Knowing that this is a place that you can return to. And as I proceed now to introduce some phrases, Recognizing that although the phrases focus in on breathing, They're just as compatible with any other anchor you may have chosen. Feeling free to recite the words while sensing into whichever anchor you've chosen, Be that the breath or anywhere else. Just taking these last few moments to tune into your anchor point. Noticing all the details here. With a gentle, Open, Friendly curiosity. Noticing the variation. The way that sensations arise and pass away. Never quite the same twice. Inviting you now as you breathe in. Just noticing the body as it breathes in. Starting with the first phrase now. Breathing in. Noticing my body as it breathes in. Breathing out. Noticing my body as I breathe out. Breathing in. Noticing my body as it breathes in. Breathing out. Noticing my body as it breathes out. As it breathes out. In. And out. Moving to the next phrase now. Breathing in. Becoming aware of any pleasant sensations, A sense of ease that might be present in the body. Breathing out. Noticing how my mind responds to what's here. Aware of pleasant on the in-breath. And noticing on the out-breath. Now moving to the next phrase. Breathing in. Becoming aware of any unpleasant sensations or feelings. Breathing out. Seeing if it's possible to allow these to be here. Just as they are. Aware of the unpleasant on the in-breath. And allowing on the out-breath. Aware of the unpleasant. Allowing. And if it feels supportive to you, Perhaps just placing a hand on the chest or any other part of the body should do this. Just extending any friendliness and care to yourself that might feel helpful to you. And moving to the next phrase now. So breathing in. Perhaps sensing a gentle attitude or kindness or friendliness towards your experience. On the out-breath, Just resting the attention in whatever's here right now. So on the in-breath, Noticing kindness. And on the out-breath, Resting. Moving to the final phrase now. So breathing in. Wishing myself and others well. And breathing out. Just resting in any feelings of wellness. So breathing in. Wishing well. And breathing out. Resting. Just noticing where the mind is. And as we start to bring this practice to a close, Just moving the focus of your attention to your chosen anchor point. Maybe just tuning in to whatever's here. Here in the anchor point, But also here in your experience in terms of thoughts, Perhaps emotions. Taking a couple of deep breaths. As we bring this practice to a close, Just inviting you to bring this sense of friendliness and care and forgiveness. To extend these feelings towards yourself. As you go about your day.