How To Stop Overthinking And Feeling Stuck

Live Class Recording - Do you overthink, doubt yourself, or feel stuck without understanding why?
Discover how constant self-judgment creates inner pressure and why self-acceptance does not mean giving up or refusing to change.
Through personal experiences and real-life examples, you’ll learn how accepting yourself can soften your inner critic, reduce the mental battle, and help you move forward with greater clarity.
Please note: This talk includes a personal discussion of miscarriage and grief.

Transcript

So hello, Hello, Hello. Welcome to the Identity Lab. And we're talking about how acceptance will literally change your life as soon as you accept yourself. Situations, Other people, Et cetera, Et cetera. Life will be so different to the life that you knew before. But I want to, First of all, Explain to you what does acceptance actually mean. Because when I talk to my clients, When they come into the one-on-one sessions with me, And we talk about acceptance. Because I usually talk about gratitude, Acceptance, Perspective, The gap philosophy. When I say acceptance, They say no. Nicely. Why? The answer is always the same. Because I don't like it. I'm not happy with how it is. How can I accept it? And that's the biggest misconception about what acceptance actually means, Because we are told general opinion. That acceptance means that we are liking the situation, Ourselves, When we say we accept ourselves, Self-acceptance, When we accept our partner, When we accept the situation, When we accept not getting promoted, Whatever it is. Associated with I like it. Or, And. Giving up, Like this is status quo and nothing changes. So if I accept how I am, Then it stands still. Both is wrong. So here's the explanation. So let me first differentiate between tolerance and acceptance. Because I bet. That many of you. Are tolerating themselves. And tolerating means that You let it happen, You let it be, But you have judgment against it. So when it comes to yourself, You might say about your body. Well, This is what it is, But it's horrible. I don't like it. I'm not fit enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not tall enough. My boobs are too small, Too big, Whatever it is. When it comes to your character, I'm a paper placer. There's nothing I can do. This is just horrible. There is, Like, It is there, But we're judging it. And judgment just leads to pressure. In your body, In your mind, Your energy is going down. Judgment is coming. For survival. Important, Yeah, When you can't judge how far the bus is away before it hits you. Life-changing. But on the other hand, When it comes to judging and not letting go of the judgment, Holding on to it like you judge yourself. That's where. It brings you to your knees. So let me share with you a personal story where I've been about six years ago. So six years ago, We moved from England to China. I was pregnant. Three weeks later, It was in November, I had my fifth miscarriage. End. I didn't know how to handle it. I probably hadn't dealt with the four miscarriages before, But the world was tumbling down. And I was in this foreign country. I didn't speak the language. I had no friends. My partner, He was busy with his new job, But I also thought it's on me. To deal with it. Two months later, COVID hit. Here in China, It started in January, COVID hit. The job that I had that brought me income. Didn't anymore. So for the first time in my adulthood, The first time for over 25 years, I was financially depending on someone else. And it wasn't my parents, Because I knew how that went. But I never was depending financially on a partner. So this came on top of it. And then not working and feeling like not dealing with the grief. Everything came together. My resources were at a high time. Anyway, So I am. Was doing this work that I'm doing now. Still for a couple of years, So I should have known what to do and I tried. I tried to sit with the emotion, How to word it differently, So I did all the things that I I couldn't get out of the hole that I was in. And I tolerate it. My body. The tolerance looked like this. I wasn't destroying it. But I was punishing it. I was hating it. Because in my mind at the time, I thought my body is so useless. That it can't do this one thing. Billions of women before me. Probably after me, Could do so easily, But my body was so incapable. And I hated my body. And I showed it. I punished it. I drank a lot. I smoked a lot. I ate rubbish or nothing at all. So it was always a mix of some things. I felt horrible, Not just mentally and emotionally, But also physically. But that's tolerance to you. You take it, But you have the judgment. So I let my body be, I didn't just. I let it be, But I judged it harshly. And that went on for months. Six, Seven, Eight months later, I remember sitting on the balcony here. In our building. And I was looking down, Because we live on the 33rd floor, So I was looking down into the compound and I was just like, I want to feel something again. Because I felt so numb with all this hate, With all this dis- pardon me, With all this disappointment with everything that was going on. I was exhausted. Physically, Emotionally, Mentally. End. I just wanted to feel again. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to move forward and I didn't know what else I could do. And then this little voice in my head came and said, Just give yourself permission. I was like, What? Give yourself permission. So I gave myself permission in that moment that the pain that I felt for losing my babies. Will be there for the rest of my life. And it felt to me like It wasn't just a bag. It was probably 10 bags of stones that I carried on my shoulder that were just falling off. And I felt like this armor that I had built around me. Was breaking and falling off. And I could breathe again. And in that moment, I moved from tolerance into acceptance. Because acceptance means that you're welcoming. You're valuing what is. So I welcomed the knowledge, The grief that will be there for the rest of my life. Sometimes more, Sometimes less. I valued the experience that I had by going through this, But most importantly, By letting go, By hanging on to it, By wanting to push it away, By fighting against myself. Because that's what you do. When you hold on to it, When you tolerating it, You judge it, You judge yourself. Yeah, That's what you do. You're just working against you all the time. It's like an inner war. You are at war with yourself. But as soon as you welcome what is. That war stops. And that's what happened to me. It stops. I could. Give myself permission to move forward. Enjoy life. Have fun. And grief. And be sad and cry. Whenever I needed to. Whenever something triggered me. I allowed myself to have both. And not just either or, Not just move through it and get over it and be healed. No, It's just like. . . I have both. I allow myself to have both. I give myself permission. I accept. That it will be painful. For the rest of my life. So for the next 40, 50 years. And that's what acceptance is, That you're welcoming and valuing what is. And in no word does it mean, I like it. Oh, I love it. Or this is standstill, There is no change from here. It doesn't say that. It's not in the description and it's not what it means. And when I talk to my clients about self-acceptance, Accepting what is, Welcoming you as you are. First thing. But that means I'm not changing. I said, Of course. But change is so much easier. When you have stopped the war with yourself, When you're not fighting against you. When you're not judging yourself. But also here, Important reminder, Of course you judge yourself. You look in the mirror and say, Oh, I have that. Yeah, When I walked past the mirror, I was like, What the hell? Judgment. But the bigger question is, How long are you holding onto it? Will it dictate your day, Your week, Your month, Your life? Or is it like a moment in time? Hola. And you let it go and you accept it that in this moment of time, This is what we're dealing with. You're welcoming that this is what we're dealing with now. That's the difference. To not holding onto it. Because when you hold onto it, That's when you're fighting against yourself. That's when your identity becomes a muddle-up. That's when you get stuck. That's when you overthink. That's when you say, I'm a perfectionist, Because that's survival mechanism. Because you have trained yourself so brilliantly to be a master in fighting yourself. And that's exhausting. Body, Mind, And soul, They are exhausted from fighting. So they need survival mechanisms. They need strategies. To keep some sort of balance so that you don't break down. So that you can go through life. So that you can be there for your kids, So that you can go to work. So it's survival. But when you stop. When you welcome and value what is now. That war stops, The pressure goes off, The overthinking becomes less. When you can say, I welcome and value my perfectionism. And I had a client doing that. Welcoming, Valuing their perfectionism. They told me it feels like there is such a big relief. Again, Stones off the shoulder, Yeah, The baggage. We let it fall, Drop, And it stays there. And there is no pressure no more. There is no pressure to be a perfectionist. It's just like, Yeah, This is something that I can do. But I could choose. You can choose choice. I could do this. I could do that. I could do the perfectionism thing. Or not. Conscious decision. So let me have a look at my notes because what did I want to say? I told you about the tolerance. I told you about acceptance. Acceptance is not loving or liking it. Give yourself permission. And that is a different wording. We're working here in NLP. That's where my my foundation is, And then I build up on that. And giving yourself permission. Is just a different word for I'm accepting it. But because many of us have this idea that acceptance means that I'm giving in. That's why we use a different word. Whatever works. And then you notice your body sensation. Like I told you from my side, Yeah, All of this baggage. All of these bags just fell off. Yeah, I was like free. Yay. And my clients felt the same. Because this permission stops the inner war. Try it for yourself with anything that you can think of. I give myself permission. To grieve for the rest of my life. And even when I say it now, I can feel tears coming. Because I feel so much love for myself. So much gratitude. It's not just giving in. It's so, So much more. And I don't like to talk about self-love because that's such a beautiful high level. We start with self-acceptance. Because self-love, Many of us don't know how it is to be. Loved unconditionally. So to give yourself love seems sometimes like a chore, Like a very hard to achieve goal. And when you don't achieve it, You punish yourself again. Let's not do that. Start with what we can actually do, And that is acceptance, Welcoming, And valuing. What we're dealing with right now. And when you accept yourself, When you give yourself permission to be the beautiful, Unicorn that you are. A side effect. Of self-acceptance. Is that you magically accept others as well. And again, Not like. You're okay. It's like I welcome and value that person. Maybe that means you accept that, Like I had, That friend. You had that friend for decades. And you value and welcome them. For who they are. They're not good for me. It drags me down, It's insane. Makes me want to cancel. It makes me not want to go there and see them. So I welcome the learning. I give myself permission to step away from that friendship for now. Maybe I come back, Maybe I won't. But giving yourself permission. Step away. That's the acceptance. I accept that this friendship is where it is right now. I accept that my thoughts, My emotions, My feelings, My energy is telling me Not right now. And that's it! And of course. Because if you are in that loop of overthinking, Of being a perfectionist, A people pleaser, A victim, Whatever it might be that puts you under pressure and you're not happy with, That voice comes. The inner critic, That's what I call it. My inner critic is called Lucy. And if you come to my Identity Upgrade program, You will get to meet your inner critic. But never mind. So Lucy, Or in your case, Whatever your inner critic's name is, Will come up and tell you, But what if? Maybe you are the problem, Maybe da-da-da-da. So it will come up with reasons why would you feel what gives you peace. Is the wrong thing to do. And that's simply because. Your inner critic has been running the show. For probably a long, Long time. And that inner critic is used to running the show. And you identified with that inner critic. One client of mine, Her inner critic, She says, My mom's voice. It's what my mom told me and still tells me. That's what I hear. So that inner critic can be anyone and anything. But if you. . . Belief. That this is who you are and you feel that pressure in your body. Thanks. Might be, Then that inner critic is running your show. And it will come up because it wants to protect you from emotional harm and trying something new, Giving yourself permission to stop the fight. That's something new. And you don't know how that will end up. So that inner critic comes and wants to protect you, So it tells you to do the opposite. And you might listen, You may not listen, But that's what it's there. And this inner critic is part of you. So again, Enough fight. The inner war. And when we allow it, When we give ourselves permission to have that inner critic, To have that voice. Inner voice becomes quieter. So acceptance, Self-acceptance, Accepting yourself with the good, The bad, And the ugly that you are. Changes the world. And yeah, Let me go back to it's easier to accept others because when you have less judgment about yourself. There is less judgment about others. It's just like your brain gets a different perspective. Your whole energy becomes a different perspective on things, On people, On yourself. And that's why often when my clients accept the good, Bad, And ugly that they are. I can't get annoyed at my wife anymore. Well, Here we go. And that's a good thing. That doesn't mean that you don't like what they do. It just means that you don't get into that state. Of being angry, Being annoyed, Being disappointed. Yeah, Both can exist. You cannot like the behavior and you can stop being annoyed. And when you accept yourself, You don't let things happen to you. Because you become self-responsible. Yeah, Understand that it's your behavior, It's your responsibility. And things don't happen to you. Because when some things happen, A situation, Everything is neutral. Everything that happens is neutral. We give it the meaning. You give it the meaning. According to your filter system, Your experiences, Your beliefs, Et cetera, Et cetera. That's the meaning you give it. And when you accept yourself, That filter system changes. And then you say, Oh, I'm welcoming. I'm valuing this experience. And I always look for what can I learn from this? What does the universe want me to learn? What does this situation, This person teaches me? And it's your perspective. Because it changes, Because you look at yourself differently. And self-acceptance doesn't mean you're actionless. So when the inner war has stopped, Or at least, Yeah, Calmed down. Change is so much easier. When you're not fighting against your body, When you're not looking in the mirror and shaming and blaming yourself constantly, Day in, Day out, Every meal. It's like a torture, You're counting calories. Everything you do, You calculate if this is good or bad for your body, For your body image, For whatever is worrying you about your body. When that is gone. Can enjoy exercise. You can enjoy the food. You can enjoy just going for a walk. Without the pressure of burning calories. Or like a client of mine, For her it was that organizing holidays. And there was always this pressure. She wants to make it right for everyone. And they were a family of five. So for her husband, For her children, For herself, Usually not because that was so much to do for all the other four people that for her, She usually didn't have time or any capacity left to think of what she wanted. And as soon as she welcomed and valued that she is a people pleaser and she likes that external validation and without that. She is very insecure. That's accepting the good, Bad, And ugly. As soon as she gave herself permission. That this is who she is right now. She said, It's so easy now. Plan. I decide. And I'm not asking around and feel bad for when one of them says, But I don't like that. Because then I just give them, Okay, Then you do. Something else. And it doesn't. Affect me in the same way anymore. So that inner war has become less. And that's what we want. Less pressure, Body, Mind, And soul. And then she changed because now she looks at herself like, I give myself permission to enjoy my time. Before it was also like she didn't sit down with her coffee to enjoy it because in her mind the list of you should do this, You should do that, You should do this. So that later when her husband came back and said, What did you do? She could tell, Look, This is my list. Because she felt bad for having time. And she felt bad for enjoying that time. But she gave herself permission. To enjoy the time now because everything changed. So she gave herself permission to enjoy the time. That she had without doing stuff. And now when her husband asked her, So what did you do? She said, Well, I read this amazing book. You know what's going on in that book? And that's it! She can grow from that quietness in her mind and in her body. And joy is so underrated. Who doesn't want to have a bit of joy in their lives. And now she also enjoys more to go to the gym, To meet her friends, To just go for a walk. She takes no time to go to walk her dogs for an hour or two in the park. And before she didn't. The list was in the back of her mind, Like, Need to do this, Need to do that, Need to do this. And now she enjoys. And she changed the way she looks at life, The way she looks at herself. And she can see that she's making progress. Amazing. And self-acceptance also doesn't mean that you're indifferent. It doesn't mean it's like, This is who I am. Yeah, That's a whole different attitude. If you're saying, This is who I am, I welcome and value the version that is me today to, Well, I am like this. Different attitude. So it doesn't mean that you're indifferent to who you are or what you do to other people, Et cetera. Because having that attitude is okay. That's not self-acceptance. That's survivor. That's, Again, Here, Strategy to keep people away, To push them away, To not wanting to face who you are, To not wanting to accept the good, The bad, And the ugly. That's the difference. And self-acceptance means no pressure or less pressure, So much less pressure on your body, On your mind, On your energy field. Oh my God, You will be like little magnets. You will find people, People will find you and they will make your life better. Beautiful. Because from a higher vibration. You get those people on a higher vibration. And I give this energy clearings that I give to my clients and in my program and they help you. To balance your chakras, To let go. Amazing. What should I say? I just love it. Just the other day, Yesterday, A client of mine asked me if she lost that one energy clearings. Can you send it? Please send it. I got all the others, But I lost this one. Please send it to me because she loves it so much. It helps her so much. To clear, To balance. And hold. That energy. It doesn't mean that when you don't do the clearings or when you get out of balance and everything is lost. No, It's an up and down. But like I like to explain to my clients, The ups, Might not be as high, But the lows are definitely as low. So you will come to this. Neutral line. That means you're not. You don't come back to being. Minus 10. Because that's what usually happens. You're minus 10 and then you're plus 10. You have these extremes. But the more acceptance you show yourself. The more you let go of. What you expect of yourself. And fight against, The more you come. Close to the zero line. And that's the balance that you walk around like smile on your face, But you're not like, I need to do something. Oh my God. Yeah. You don't have these extremes in both directions. And I'm talking about a day-to-day. I'm not saying that you won't be exceptionally happy ever again. But on a day-to-day basis, You'll have this continuous about around the zero. And that's, I have to say, I love it. To wake up and to be in a plus one, It's like, Yeah, Life, Amazing. I love it. You should try it. Okay, I want to repeat again. Tolerance is judgment. That's what probably most of you do. And acceptance is welcoming and valuing what is right now. And in other words, You give yourself permission to be who you are today. With that, We calm the inner war and from calmness, From quietness, Change is happening easily. And that brings me to the end of today's Identity Lab episode. I see you again next week. Let me quickly pull out to tell you. What are we talking about next week? Next week, We're talking about why you keep living in the past or worrying about the future. So I see you next week. Have a wonderful day. Look after yourself and bye bye.