Why Happiness Is Closer Than You Think

In this talk, we discuss how the difference between expectation and reality is often the source of significant discontent. Life trains us to search for ideals: the perfect partner, job, life, outcome. Unfortunately this almost never arises and even if it did, it would be fleeting. Thus there is a real potential for ongoing and almost contentious self-inflicted suffering.

Thankfully, happiness is closer than you think. By embracing mindfulness we can begin to see and address the impact of our expectations.

Transcript

How much of your discontent is a function of a misalignment between your ideals and reality?

Let me explain.

I have this feeling that a lot of us judge our life based on what it should be,

What we think it should be,

And we compare this ideal,

This should,

With our reality,

And our reality always comes up short.

Because how can reality live up to an ideal?

And furthermore,

I posit that this ideal is instilled upon us in childhood,

In school.

Take,

For example,

The idea of a friendship.

We learn through school,

Through television shows,

Through external sources of what a friendship should be,

And what it means to have friends,

And all of these sort of things.

And I'm using friendships as a proxy for everything here.

But like,

Take the idea of a friendship.

What does it mean to be popular,

To have friends,

To have people that care about you?

It will be triggering a bunch of emotions,

And ideas,

And visions in your mind that is sort of pointing towards this sort of phasey,

Vague idea of what it means to have a friendship.

Now compare that to your lived experience.

Whatever your lived experience won't ever really fit that ideal.

How can it,

Right?

But the problem is that if we sit in this space of rumination,

If we sit in this space of comparison,

If we sit in this space of sort of judgment,

We will always fall short.

And we'll always fall short on every aspect of our life,

On friendship,

On romance,

On work,

On family,

On progression,

Of just absolutely every aspect.

Because what it means to,

For example,

Be successful will be this ideal thing.

We've got this storyboard pushed upon us,

Idealized,

Internalized conception of what it means to be successful.

But the reality of success is far more complex than whatever it is we've sort of built up,

This childlike perspective of success.

So what I want to posit in this little talk is that there is a misalignment of the ideals that were instilled upon us from our past,

To the reality that we lived,

You know,

Our lived experience,

Our lived reality,

What we're going through right now.

I had this realization today when I was hanging around with friends,

And I'm like,

Oh,

I don't really feel that liked,

I don't really feel that appreciated,

I don't really feel that loved.

And then I realized,

Like,

No,

Hang on.

I have all of those things that I don't really feel.

But I don't really feel liked,

Loved,

Appreciated,

Yada,

Yada,

In the way that I was sort of,

For lack of a better expression,

Trained to think.

You know,

I'm a,

I'm a,

What would you call it?

I'm what,

35?

Millennial?

What does that make me?

Gen X?

Whatever.

And I was raised on television.

And in that year,

In that space,

In that time,

In that place,

There were certain sort of norms of what it meant to be popular,

What friends did and acted like.

And this was largely informed by the media of the time.

Also,

Through high school.

You know,

High school is this melting plot,

This forced social connection.

You're forced to be around people all the time.

And you're forced to fit the dynamics.

Whilst you're,

You know,

Transforming,

Whilst you're learning,

Whilst you're going through puberty,

Whilst you're,

It's this real sort of dynamic situation informed by external sources.

Combine that with,

You know,

The parental situation,

Mental health concerns,

It's all this melting pot.

But that leaves a mark.

The popular kids,

The unpopular kids,

All of this sort of stuff.

Skip forward 20 years,

And where does that leave you?

Well,

It leaves me comparing my reality versus the ideal that is not even really true,

Right?

It's just sort of the perception that I had in my lived experience of my life.

But my current life,

My current existence can't ever match that.

And it shouldn't.

You know,

Take the concept of a best friend,

For example.

What is that?

That doesn't even really make sense.

It's a construct.

So that,

For example,

If you had this value of having a best friend growing up,

And,

You know,

Adults don't really sort of do best friends.

Some do,

Maybe.

But if you don't have one,

You're now lacking.

My contention with this entire talk is this.

Perhaps you have what you feel you're lacking,

But it just looks a bit different.

It's like wearing a mask,

So to speak.

What you think that you are lacking exists in your life.

And this,

Like I said,

Could apply to work,

Friendships,

Relationships,

Your partner,

Activities,

Success,

Failure,

Whatever it is.

Just the way that you're sort of viewing your life may,

In fact,

You may have it already.

The thing you're looking for,

The thing you think you're lacking,

Could already exist just under a different mask,

Just through a different sort of gaze.

I have friends.

I have that connection.

It's all there,

But it doesn't look like what I was trained to think it looked like.

My success,

The online success that I've found with my poetry books,

With my coaching,

With the teaching that I do online,

All the things that I'm doing that are making me successful,

That people are looking up to me for,

That doesn't feel like or look like what I was trained to believe success would look like.

Because how can it?

Because you don't actually see the full story.

No matter how many sitcoms I watched,

No matter how many books I've read,

No matter how many stories I've consumed,

No matter how many people I spoke to,

No matter how many people I saw doing the thing that I aspired to do or that I'm doing now,

You never live their lived experience.

You're never in their mind.

You never see it from their internal perspective.

It's like a failure of imagination.

You only saw the highlight reel.

In modern days,

We have social media.

Everyone's putting out this presentation of whatever they want to project to the world.

It's a false positive.

It's a false truth.

It's not the full truth,

At least.

Combine that with the algorithms presenting to you the different parts of what it knows you will want to consume,

You end up in this echo chamber of false positives proving,

Showing,

Directing you down a path of what it means to be successful,

Beautiful,

Loved,

Connected,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada.

None of it is a true full representation of the reality.

That person that looks great is in the gym every day,

Dieting every day.

That quote-unquote successful person with a small business is grinding every day,

Working more hours than it seems possible.

When you start comparing your reality to the ideal,

You will come up short because your ideal is a false representation of a truth that you're now living.

Perhaps you already have what you think you are lacking.

That's the contention.

That's what I want to leave you with,

With this talk.

The idea that perhaps the ideals,

The constructs you grew up upon,

Maybe you already have what they're pointing to you.

Maybe your reality is vibrant,

Just differently.

Maybe you need to look around,

Take a breath,

Get mindful,

And look at what you've got because you are probably missing some of the beauty of your life by looking for,

By hunting for,

By wishing for the ideal.

What do you think?

Let me know.

Reviews

Really interesting. It fits in with the thought I keep having that if I went back to 18 yr old me and could see what I have now, I really have everything I would have wished for but yet it always seems like something is missing. I think it’s that social construct of the ‘perfect life’. I will work on gratitude I think. Thank you for that thought provoking talk ☺️🙏🏻

I think you are exactly 100 percent right.I am Gen x and the way I was taught to live was go to school,graduate, college, marriage,kids,and you will be a successful person.Now you look at these Instagram accounts with these younger people who are traveling, living how you wish you were and find myself comparing which brings my mental health down to the ground.I have to quickly stop,put it down, reflect on what I currently have and It does not mean I'm not successful because I didn't live up to the expected ways taught by TV or my parents, grandparents,etc and it doesn't mean I'm not successful because I'm not traveling across country in a van living the dream as these younger people.It means I need to reflect and know that I should be showing nothing but gratitude for what I have physical,and what I have as my character in myself.It is all a false ideal that we were conditioned as a child.I mean I look at anyone alive and say wow I get to spend time with this group of people for these few years on earth,then it starts all over with the next generation.To be alive I find it to be successful in this world.Much Love and Peace ❤️✌️

So much to reflect on here. This was perfect timing. I'm exploring the idea of dreams. To have a dream. What are my dreams? Which brought me to the belief that I've been assigning value to my "dreams"--- it's a dream of it's BIG and noteworthy. That assigned value is getting in my way.

Another great talk to make us think! It’s so true and most of us know we compare ourselves to social media….. but I love that you reframed it to say that perhaps we have what we’re are looking for… just in a different way than we expected! Thank you Zach!