Explaining Death To Children - Gentle Honesty

When my 4-year-old son asked me about death, I decided to be honest with him. In this episode of the Reality Check Podcast I break down how I responded and why. The reality is that we will all pass. The fact that this all ends gives life meaning. If you are struggling to explain death to your children, or even to yourself, this short talk will help. It isn’t an easy conversation to have, but it is worth having - before someone close passes.

Transcript

Welcome to the Reality Check Podcast. I'm Zachary Phillips. So yesterday my son came up to me and asked me a question, And it shocked me. I didn't think this sort of question would come so soon. But he started, And then, You know, As four-year-olds do, They ask and ask and ask. They keep asking. And his question was something along the lines of, When something dies, Do their bones disappear? So I answered truthfully. You know, Human or an animal dies, And their bodies are buried, And the muscles and all of that sort of stuff gets broken down and taken away from nutrients. And then the bones eventually do as well. And then he asked about death as a broader concept. What happens when you die? Will you die? Will I die? All of these sort of questions. And part of me wanted to maintain his innocence. Part of me wanted to lie. Part of me wanted to make up some fancy tale that would sort of shield him from that reality. Because thankfully, In our lives, He's not lost anyone yet. No one close. I'm not even sure if he's lost anyone that he's aware of. But as we know, Life is not guaranteed. Life is not safe, And all life ends. These are all truths. So there will come a time, Sooner, Hopefully later, But it will happen, Where someone that he knows dies. So in that sort of, You know, Millisecond that it took me to process and respond to him, I decided to be honest. Be truthful about what's going to happen. Because to hold it back, To deny that truth, Would be doing him a disservice. Now, I obviously didn't bludgeon him over the head with truth. I didn't scare him. I phrased it in a way that was at his emotional level, And I was attuned to how he was responding, And all of that stuff. But I didn't lie. I told him what happened to the physical body. I told him that there are a lot of beliefs and traditions and ideas and theories that people think happen after death, And I ran him through a couple. You know, The typical Christian belief system of the soul remaining, Or the more sort of spiritual or shamanic ideas of, You know, Returning to the earth, And all that sort of stuff. And I also said the idea that we just simply move on. He asked if I was going to die, And I said yes, One day. He asked if I was going to, You know, What would happen if I was going to be there for him. And I said, Well, One day I will go. He asked about specific people. What happens when this person dies? What happened when that person dies? And they explain the process of a funeral. And then he asked if he will die. I said one day, Yeah. And then he said he's not going to die. He didn't conceptualize it, Which is understandable. Then it's hard. I said I hope not. I said I hope you don't. But I didn't say he wouldn't, Because once again to do so would not be true. And I'm not sure if giving a child a false belief that they're going to live forever, Or that they're invulnerable, Is a safe or a wise thing to do. Then, You know, Throughout this conversation he was worried. He's like, Oh my god, Am I going to die soon? And I explained to him, Put it in context, I counted on my fingers just how long life is. He's four. And I counted up. I counted all the way up, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, All the way up to my age, 33. And that took a while. And I'm like, This is how old I am. Then we kept counting all the way up to like 66, Grandma's age. She's still going. Kept counting all the way up to great grandma's age, Who's still alive and kicking at 90-ish. Suggesting to him that although people pass on, There's a lot to live for. There's a lot to go for. And it would have been very easy to just divert the conversation, To move it onto something else, To do something different. But I remember one of my earliest memories was asking the same question when I was that age. There was some sort of war or drama on the TV in some country. And I remember thinking that I would be attacked or invaded or potentially killed, Right? Obviously, Logistically impossible. But being a four or five year old or whatever I was at, Quite young, I didn't realise. So I asked my parents about it. So I had this feeling when my son was asking me that this isn't age inappropriate, In the sense that he's curious. He's curious about a lot of things. But it's just hard. It's confronting. And it's a reality that we all sort of put aside and don't quite address. The reality is that whatever arises will cease. The reality is that you, Me and everything we own will eventually return to dust. The reality is that everything will. A lot of spiritual traditions, A lot of religious traditions have this idea of meditating on death, Of contemplating what will happen after we're gone to our physical bodies, To the things we've done in our life, To the stuff we hold. And they do it as a way to sort of ground you in the reality of what's actually occurring. This is the reality. This is what's going to happen. We're blessed to live. But as part of that blessing, We do have to face death. It's going to happen. And I guess these sort of conversations with my son, But that sort of contemplation in general, Really does help to put into context life. What's actually important is the random arguments online important, Is the stress and the worry and the little issues that we're dealing with that sort of pop up to the forefront of our mind. Is that really important? Because I tell you what, These sort of conversations are sobering. And my son bounced back from it and was completely fine. But I said to him before I went to the hospital and was completely fine, But I said to him before he went off and wanted to do something else, I'm like, If you want to talk about anything like this ever again, At any time, Come to me, Come to mom. We'll talk you through it. It's fine. Please, Please come. Because to deny it as a truth to myself, To him, To anyone, Is disingenuous. Because what's the other side of things? You live life with this blinders on, Nothing's going to happen, Nothing's going to happen, Nothing's going to happen. And then it does, Because it will. People pass, Pets pass, Parents pass, Partners pass, Kids pass. It's sad. It's tragic. There's no rhyme or reason or right or anything like that, But it happens. It's inevitable that it will happen. So wouldn't it be better to have a understanding of these possibilities? Now. Sort of have it in our minds that what we're taking for granted right now can and will be taken from us at some stage. And therefore, With that in mind, We embrace what we do have, The positivity, The love, The joy, The connection. Because, You know, Even on my hardest days with my son, Even when he's being an absolute pain, I still have him. He's still here in that moment. He still has me. You know, If you've lost someone close to you, How much would you give to have an argument with that person again? You know, A terrible day with that person, Right? You know, If you've lost a pet, How much would you give to have that pet be making a mess in your house again? What I'm driving at here is that you'll even look at the quote unquote bad times with some sort of fondness, Because once it's gone, It's gone. So perhaps this talk, This podcast, Has brought you down a little bit. I do apologize for that. But if it has, Just check in and just take this moment to look around your day and be like, Okay, I apologize for that. I apologize for looking around your day and be like, Okay, I appreciate who and what I've got in my life. I appreciate the positive because the reality is, It's not going to last. So while it does last, I'll embrace it. Cheers.

Reviews

Great advice in a gentle manner. My kids are 2 and 4, and this will help immensely. Thank you.