Hi,
I'm Dr.
Kim.
A friend recently came to me after a heated encounter with her boss.
The conversation had happened days earlier,
But every night she was lying in bed replaying it over and over in her mind.
She was seething with rage.
Her mind was racing,
Her body was tense,
And she couldn't let it go.
She asked me what she should do.
My answer surprised her.
I did not tell her to calm down.
I didn't tell her to meditate.
I didn't tell her to think positive thoughts.
I told her to let herself be angry.
To scream into her pillow,
Punch the mattress,
Cry,
Yell at the universe,
Let the energy move through her.
The reason I answered so quickly is because I've been there myself.
Just a week ago,
I found myself lying on the floor with tears streaming down my face,
Screaming into a pillow,
Ranting to the universe about everything that felt unfair,
Frustrating,
And painful.
Afterwards,
I felt lighter.
I hadn't solved the problem,
And I hadn't suddenly become more enlightened,
But the emotion had been allowed to finally move through me.
And the next day I was back to my usual positive self.
One of the biggest misunderstandings about emotions is that we think they're meant to be controlled,
That we should never be triggered and instead strive for a calm and peaceful,
Monk-like state of being.
But in reality,
Emotions are energy in motion.
The word emotion comes from a Latin root,
Which means to move out.
Emotions are physiological states that need to pass through the body.
Anger is especially important to understand because it is very different from emotions like sadness or fear.
Anger is activating.
It's fiery.
It is energy mobilizing for action.
Anger is the energy that wants to protect,
Defend,
Push back,
Set boundaries and create change.
When anger arises,
Your nervous system doesn't prepare you to sit quietly in stillness.
Your heart rate increases.
Your muscles tense.
Adrenaline flows through the body.
Everything is gearing up for movement.
So when we immediately tell ourselves to calm down,
We're often asking the body to do the exact opposite of what it is biologically trying to do.
That's why meditation can sometimes feel impossible when you're deeply angry.
You sit down,
Close your eyes,
And instead of feeling peaceful,
All you can think about is the person who upset you.
The anger gets louder.
That's because the energy hasn't been processed yet.
Trying to meditate at the peak of rage can be a bit like trying to put a lid on a boiling pot.
The pressure is still there underneath.
Many people stay angry for days,
Weeks,
Months,
Or even years because they never fully allow themselves to feel the anger.
They suppress it.
Judge it.
Analyze it,
Drink it away,
Or try to rise above it spiritually.
The energy never completes its cycle.
It simply stays in the body as tension,
Resentment,
Rumination,
Or chronic stress.
Now I'm not talking about directing anger at other people.
That's very different.
I'm talking about creating a safe container where the body can express the emotion without causing harm.
A pillow can handle your screams.
A mattress can survive your fists.
The universe can listen to your rant.
The goal isn't to become more angry.
The goal is to allow the anger that's already there to move.
What I've noticed both in myself and my clients is that once anger is fully expressed,
Something else often appears underneath it.
Usually sadness,
Grief,
Hurt,
Disappointment.
Anger is often the fierce protector standing guard at the door of a more vulnerable emotion.
Once the fire has burned down,
The deeper feelings can finally emerge and be felt.
And this is the moment where meditation,
Breathwork and stillness become genuinely helpful.
Not because you've forced yourself to calm down.
But because your body has already completed the activation it needed to complete.
Sometimes healing isn't about becoming more peaceful.
Sometimes it's about giving yourself permission to be fully human.
And sometimes the most regulating thing you can do.
Is stop trying to regulate and simply let the fire move through.
If you would like to try some somatic movement techniques to help you discharge the anger inside you,
I highly recommend my somatic shaking videos for anxiety.
Please go and check them out.
Thank you so much for listening.
