Boundaries- Why Do We Need Them?

Join us for this discussion about boundaries. When do we put them, why, do they serve us on the path, what can we do without them, and most importantly what would an awakened consciousness use boundaries for? Bring a friend and let us grow together.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Hello everyone. Welcome. This unique opportunity we give ourselves every week to stop the rush, Take a deep breath, Hold hands and walk the path together. Reminding ourselves that we are not alone on the path. Reminding ourselves what is most important and precious for us. Reminding ourselves who we really are. And the excuse for this meeting today is to discuss the sensitive topic of boundaries. Somebody's saying the audio is very low. The sensitive topic of boundaries. What are they all for? What do we use them? Why? When do we need them? What would happen if we are choosing to drop them? So every question, Every wonder, Every doubt, Every insight you have in this matter, You are welcome to share. That's your contribution. Okay? As you know, It's not a lecture and we don't have any prepared materials that we need to cover. We follow your own thoughts. We follow your own pace. Using your precious as our guide and propelling force. So that's your opportunity. Don't be shy. Who wants to be the first one to jump into the waters? Who's the brave one to break the ice? Barbara says LWT. I don't know what that means. Let's start with what is a boundary. Yeah. What's a boundary? A boundary is a limit that we hit. A line in the sand where we believe that we can accept whatever is up to that line. And beyond that line is unacceptable, Unbearable, And we avoid it. Right? That's a barrier. Why do we do that? Because we try to avoid the pain that the other side of the line potentially can inflict upon us. In a nutshell, That's the story. We would like to avoid the pain. Either because it's not comfortable or we believe it's overwhelming and we won't be able to survive it. It's overwhelming. So we say up till this line, I can accept. Beyond that, I don't accept. Right? Of course, You must realize that this is an artificial object that we create because we protect ourselves. The line doesn't exist in reality. And our capacity to experience life is not limited in any way. We are able to experience fully with an open heart and a willing soul whatever life has to throw at us, Whether it be pleasant or unpleasant, Painful or pleasurable. But we don't always believe that we can, Either because we know from experience that we get hurt and it's painful and we don't like that, Or we simply don't know the vastness of our own consciousness. We never explored the depth of our own consciousness. So we are fooled to believe that it's limited and our capacity to experience life fully is limited. Then we have to create those boundaries to make sure we never cross that line. It may be too much. It could be too painful. So just to start this conversation, We need to recognize that this is self-created. It doesn't really exist. Of course, Immediately the next realization is it can be removed. It can be removed. If I created boundaries, I can remove the boundaries. I'm not saying you should, At least not at this point in the conversation, But realize that this is an artificial object that you created for yourself and you can choose to remove it. A long answer to the question, What is boundaries? Karma is saying, As a recovering people pleaser where I do too much for others at the risk of my own well-being, I struggle with boundaries because people then reject me. I understand it's them, But it's still hard. SL. Yeah. Again, Why do we do, Why are we motivated to do something, To be someone? See what's the motivation behind it. As you so eloquently pointed, The motivation there is so people would accept me, So people will reconfirm me, So people would prove that I am worthy, So people would provide the love that I believe I need. The motivation is to be loved, To be accepted, To be worthy of their love. Why do I need to be worthy? So they can love me. Why do I need that love? Why is that such a strong motivation? Because I don't believe I have enough. So I walk around on this planet thirsty and I'm begging for people to water me. Why? Because I don't have. The lack, The need drives me. Do you see that? So it's really important what people think about me. Otherwise they might be thinking that I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy of their love, And they won't give me that water. I might die of thirst. It's almost existential. What to do? First, Recognize that motivation, That motivational force. Recognize it. And then self-knowledge is the cure for that. Walking around on this planet thirsty is an indication of ignorance. No judgment, I'm just saying. Ignorance as opposed to knowledge. When you know who you are, You are not thirsty anymore. It's like the fountain. I recognize myself, I realize myself to be the fountain. And the fountain cannot be thirsty. It's impossible. How can the fountain be thirsty? It's not a conscious decision that the fountain makes. Yeah, This is how I should live my life. He is the water. So know thyself is the cure for ignorance. Knowledge. Dive deep into the very essence, In the very core of your being. What you find there is love. The love that you are hoping to receive is revealed to be who you are, What you are. So that's about the motivational force. Now let's talk about boundaries and being, How did you call it? People-pleaser. So we do all kinds of juggling to receive that love, That attention, That sense of worthiness from outward in. Sometimes you believe you have to be the good guy, Sometimes you believe you need to be the bad guy. Whatever life demands, I will perform accordingly, As long as I get that attention, That love. It's very common to try to please other people to receive that love and attention and acceptance. You believe that if you perform according to their expectations, Then they will be willing to give you some of their love. Recognizing that is the first step. As you did on your path, I don't know when it happened, But you realized, Oh, I am a people-pleaser. Yeah, What I do, I try to persuade people to love me by performing according to their expectations. Of course, That doesn't work. Right? You cannot sustain that. For two reasons. A, Because they keep changing their minds about who you should be and what you should believe and think and talk and how you should behave, Etc. And they have different opinions. Like, I can please this guy, But that guy won't There is no way to please all the people all the time. It's bound to fail. And of course, What's left behind is you. What makes you happy? How come you become so dependent on what other people may give you? So breaking that linkage between other people and your own happiness is an important step on the spiritual path. Don't be a football of other people's opinions. Recognize, You are the source. You are peace. You are joy. You are love. That's what you are. And then that's who you are. Then it doesn't really matter what other people think about it. Once I know who I am, I truly know who I am. Other people can have other opinions. It doesn't really matter. Can you sense that invitation? Can you sense the freedom there? When you stop being so dependent on other people's opinions? And again, Don't judge yourself if you find yourself to have that tendency to please other people. Just be aware and ask yourself, Is this the path I choose consciously? Is this freedom? Or do I hear the invitation and choose to accept it, Know myself truly and set myself free from that bondage? Yeah. Karma, It's an acceptance, Validation, Belonging, Love. But I know it's my fantasy expectations, Now working on watering my own soul. And Angie said, I like to be authentic and like others to be also. I don't really apply many boundaries. So you connect boundaries with authenticity. Yeah, I can see that. If I'm not dependent anymore on what other people think about me, If I'm not dependent anymore on what other people think about me, There is no reason to play a part that I believe would match their expectation. And so I can allow myself to just be who I am and express it freely, Naturally. Well, I have to tell you that we had a heated discussion this week about boundaries. So I begged Carly to remember her comments and questions. You can share them. It wasn't really about boundaries. Isn't it? You know, There's so much out there about the need to set boundaries. And now you're telling us that we don't need them. Didn't say it yet. I just said that they are removable. So what are the situations where, Or are there any situations where boundaries are a useful tool? As you grow on the path, But not realized yet. Of course, You are driven by fear. Fear is a part of the game. It's pointless to disregard it or ignore it. Yeah, Definitely fear is there. Fear of what? Fear of the pain that life can inflict and does inflict from time to time. And that motivation to avoid it as much as possible leads your decision making. So if you feel that a certain situation is too painful and you might be traumatized by it. So putting a boundary to create a more healthy environment for yourself is important. Is important. Definitely. I can tell you even more. Before any spiritual concept and idea and recommendation and invitation, Before all of that, There is one principle that is beyond any other, And that is the sacrifice of life itself. We are here to live first and foremost in a body, In a healthy body, If possible. So if your physical existence is being threatened by a situation, And you can avoid it by creating a boundary, Definitely. Make sure that you are safe and healthy as possible. Right? Using this sentence, You know, You don't wait for the second slap. You pack your bag and you leave after the first slap. And you never look back. Because life is more sacred than any relationship. And if the relationship is threatening your existence or your health, You leave. Realize that an awakened consciousness is not afraid of life. Life is not something to be, To protect yourself against. Life is not dangerous. Life is there to be experienced. Sometimes it's meeting your expectations, Sometimes it contradicts them, Sometimes it's pleasant, Sometimes it's unpleasant, Painful, Pleasurable. Life has everything to offer. An awakened consciousness does not fear life. It is not afraid of life. Filter life and situations, Embracing only what it considers to be good and avoiding what it considers bad. It's not how an awakened consciousness works. Eventually on your path, You will be able to stay open and soft to whatever life has to offer. Even death. But if you're not there yet, It's okay. Have compassion. And do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. If the danger is real and immediate. Otherwise, If you can smell that invitation of freedom as you gently remove those boundaries and expand that space that you are willing to stay open and soft. Because you see, If you can stay open and soft until this line and not beyond it, You limit your own potential. What is your fullest potential? Imagine yourself to be the version where you are fully accomplished as a human being. Would you still be contracted at any given situation? There was a couple of common seeds. Starts and ends with acceptance of one's self. I came to realize that if I am wanting to be liked, Then I'm compromised and not fully genuine or truthful, Especially to my own values. Being liked and accepted is their issue, Not mine. Agreed. And Lisa said, I disagree. If you are in a loving relationship, You should both know each other and there's no need for boundaries. I disagree with what? As you, As you would know what your partner loves, Dislikes and how to treat that person. And Angie said, Life is amazing and beautiful, Etc. When we evolve and wake up. And Cara says, And a slap can be mental, Emotional manipulation. The awareness of self is body, Mind and spirit. To imagine you're above boundaries also seems ignorant. The math of athenticism is to be aware of all things at all times. Yes. Wait, Wait, What, What, What? Again, Slowly. Slap can be mental or emotional manipulation. Yes. The awareness of self is body, Mind and spirit. Yes. To imagine you're above boundaries also seems ignorant. Stop. To imagine yourself with no boundaries. Imagine yourself for a moment free of boundaries. Does that smell like ignorance? Ignorance is lack of self-awareness. I tell you, When you are aware of your own self, The magnitude of your own self, You realize that that self, Consciousness, Is bigger than life and changing events. We feel we need to protect ourselves because we believe that life is bigger than me. Whatever the situation is, It's too much. I'm going to be swallowed by it. I'm going to disappear. It's going to kill me or overwhelm me. So I have to protect myself again. That's that huge wave that is coming to swallow me. Right. But when you get to the point where you are awakened to the magnitude of your own consciousness, You realize everything life has to offer can be included. It's like the theater hall not being intimidated again by the show that is being played on the stage. On the stage, Things happen. Good things, Bad things, Interesting, Boring, Painful, Pleasurable. Things happen there on the stage. The theater hall is there, Is always bigger than the play. Allowing the play to be played and to be experienced. Nothing out there can intimidate you anymore. If you feel you need boundaries, Have compassion to yourself. Use boundaries if you feel you truly need them. But just keep remembering that you are not alone. Have compassion to yourself. Use boundaries if you feel you truly need them. But just keep remembering this is an artificial object that I have created to protect myself against life. I can choose to lift that bound. I can choose to stay open and never close my heart again. Saying yes to whatever life has to offer, May be pleasurable or painful. Saying yes is the attitude of an awakened consciousness. That's not ignorance, That's bliss. Try it. So karma also said the math of authentication is to be aware of all things at all times. Yes. The math of authentication is to be aware of all things at all times. So the awareness of when it when it's important to set a boundary due to the threat to important to set a boundary due to the threat to life and the sanctity of life. And when you're setting a boundary because you're afraid of life. I'm extrapolating here. You will not feel the need to set boundaries anymore when you are awakened. You will not feel the need to protect yourself against life when you realize that you are life. It's not a relationship between two different separated entities, Me and life. That relationship dissolves. When you are awakened to the tantric nature of existence. There is nobody that protects itself against anything. That duality disappears. If that duality is not realized yet, Yes, There is that relationship. And yes, I need to protect myself against life. But realize that this is just a temporary structure that you surround yourself with. Just because you're still on the process of waking up. Don't get too identified with that. Don't don't make it too rigid. See if you can soften those boundaries. Realizing that these are just artificial objects you created because you didn't know any better back then. But now you do. And you can choose to drop them. If the danger is not real and immediate, You can stay open. And eventually, Even if the danger is real and immediate, You are life. You don't need to protect yourself against it. Jude said, Seems to me there are two possible no boundaries versions. One is someone who lets people walk all over her. And the second version is what you were suggesting, Meaning being strong enough to roll with whatever comes as opposed to being victimized. The middle way is healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries. The middle way is the way of the Buddha. You know when boundaries can be used by an awakened consciousness? An awakened consciousness can put a boundary. Let me surprise you. But when does it happen? When the other side, The other person needs a boundary. Then you can put a boundary for their sake. They need to know it's enough. They need to know it's not healthy to continue the way they're doing. It's not healthy for them. And it's not healthy for the other people around them. So sometimes a boundary is there, And you are the messenger of that boundary. It's okay. Sometimes I need you to carry a child, And sometimes I need you to kill a child. And you are What? The tool that allows that to happen. The tool that allows that to happen. How do I know that sometimes that invitation, Cruel as it sounds, Is there? Because children get killed. I didn't invent that sentence. It's Leonard Coyne. You think he got it from the Bible? I don't know. Maybe. Sounds like something in the Bible. It's probably inspired by it. It's a message from God. Yeah, Because you know who I am. I am the one that loves changing from nothing to one. I remember I told you about that in a previous meeting. I remember my teacher, Who is an embodiment of unconditional love in a way that is undisputed, Putting a boundary to someone who needed it. He told her at one point in the evening, I can feel your pillow is longing for your head. That's it. A boundary, Clear and cut. So it's said and done out of love and conditional love. Yeah, And it's done not because I need the boundary and I need you to change your behavior for my own sake, For my own peace, For my own comfort. No, No, I'm comfortable. It's got nothing to do with what you do and how you behave. I am the embodiment of comfort. But you are in a turmoil and you need to know that this is enough. So this is the boundary up to here. That's it. You see the difference? You are now a messenger of unconditional love, Of unconditional love, Which sometimes translates to putting a boundary. And that's not a problem. So how would I know if the boundary that I put is for my own sake or for the sake of the other person? Search inside and see if there's fear there, Guiding your decision to put a boundary. Right? Are you afraid? Are you afraid of the consequences of this circumstance? Are you afraid to be hurt? Are you afraid to move away from the center of your comfort zone? Then you know that's not a genuine invitation. Do you see what I'm saying? But if there is no fear and that boundary is what's necessary at the given time, Then you put that boundary and rest with it. Miriam said, I have thought that a lot of boundary talk has been done in the pop psychology of today. Many listen to this, Don't realize when you are quick to put up barriers, You can imprison yourself. Yes. Not you can. You are imprisoning yourself. There is no other way to look at it. You're protecting yourself against life in a cell that you feel that you are more protected in, More in control. More in control. 100%. It's a prison cell. Jude said a person may have a boundary that they want to have space and time to meditate. Okay, Stop, Stop. You've touched a very delicate matter. People feel that they need to control their situation, Their surroundings. In order to practice self-awareness. I tell you, It's the opposite. True self-awareness comes when you stop trying to control the circumstance. But when you fall in love with the circumstance. It doesn't matter if whatever you're observing is out there or within you. If you reject what you meet, That's it, You're lost. I've set 20 minutes out of my busy schedule to meditate, But there was a fly buzzing so I couldn't buzz so I couldn't meditate. And I have to kill that fly before I'm able to meditate. Is that true? Is that the essence of meditation? To kill a fly for your own peace of mind? Think again. I was sitting for meditation, But I was completely obsessed with a thought about you know, Whatever, The weekend and I have plans and I was just carried away by that story. And I, 20 minutes later, I woke up and nothing happened. It was a complete waste of time. Is it? If you reject phenomena, It doesn't matter if it's an external or internal phenomenon, Then I tell you meditation will never happen. Peace of mind will never be found. Trying to control the situation, Control the phenomena, The realm of phenomena. That's the opposite of the essence of meditation. More than that, Osho said meditation will never happen when you sit to meditate. Why? Because you have that intention. You have that, You know, A concept in your mind about what meditation is. And only when your experience meets that expectation, Then you can think, Ah, Okay, Now I meditated. No, Meditation is fluid, Like life. It can be many things, But it's always about you embracing, Accepting, Consciously aware to whatever is happening, Not rejecting it. What else? People don't like the Leonard Cohen lyric. Yeah, Sorry. I cannot defend Leonard Cohen there. But listen, You must realize how deep that invitation is. You don't know what's the divine plan here. You don't know. You don't know who's supposed to be where. You don't know who's supposed to be born and who's supposed to die and when and how. You don't know. You may try to convince yourself that you do, But you don't. Life is mysterious in that sense. And sometimes whatever happens completely contradicts what we believe is to be right and just. But it's still happening. So what do you want to do with that? Do you want to reject that? Do you want to argue with that? Or do you want to love that? Realizing, I don't know. Sometimes I need you to carry a child. Sometimes I need you to kill a child. Children do die, Unfortunately, But that's reality. When you reject the present moment, You suffer. That's the only thing that is completely, Absolutely true. The rest are just ideas, Concepts, Judgments. Because you know who I am. You stared at the sun, Which is impossible. I am the one that loves changing from nothing to one. Yes, Come on. I know you have it in you. So the last session, You said something about being a beautiful doormat. If the situation requires, Yes. So what's different about a situation where somebody is being walked all over, Which was mentioned before, I believe, By Jude, And a situation where you're called to be a doormat? You can be graceful in whatever role you play. Realizing it's just a play. And you don't take your part too seriously anyways. It doesn't matter if you play the It doesn't matter if you play the winner or the loser. If you play the officer or the soldier. If you play the manager or the employee. If you play the good guy or the bad guy. You know? These are just roles that we play. Don't get too attached, Too identified with any specific role. Realize it's just a game of life. Sometimes you're up, Sometimes you're down. Sometimes you win, Sometimes you lose. Eventually you lose everything. It's a game of losing anyways. Don't be too attached to that. Don't put a stamp. Okay, This is who I am. Sometimes you're a doormat. Sometimes you step on other people. Isn't it? Whatever you do, Be graceful with that. Fearless. Be open to life. Say yes to whatever life suggests for you to experience. And being stepped on may be what life calls you to do at a certain point. It's okay. What part of you doesn't want people to step on you? The ego, Right? That self-importance. If the ego is rejecting that prospect. No, No, No. What do you mean? I'm supposed to be whatever. I'm supposed to be whatever. Important. Strong. Powerful. Influential. I cannot let people step all over me. What will people think? Who cares what other people think? Only the people that don't know themselves care. Another thing that is important for me to say is that my job is not to help you find ways to make your suffering more bearable. For that, You have life coaches. They can teach you all kinds of techniques, How to deal with people, How to deal with situations so it will be less frightening and you can feel more comfortable. But that's not my job. My job is to present the sane alternative to suffering. And if you feel that what I'm suggesting is way out there, Unreachable, Unattainable, Have compassion for yourself. Don't judge yourself. Don't judge yourself. An ideal is there so we can have a direction that inspires us to grow towards. You see what I'm saying? It's not there to frustrate us, That we are not there conquering that mountaintop. But it gives us a direction towards which we would like to expand. So don't be too frustrated if you feel that this is far away from where you are right now on your path. It's okay. Have compassion. But maintain on that path towards self-liberation. Towards an awakened consciousness, If that is what you choose for yourself. What else? Some more things about Leonard Cohen. Things in the Bible being questionable. Maybe it's sarcasm. It's all a game, As Sivananda said. And Miriam said, The day you completely accept the doormat treatment, You realize you are free of thinking things like that. The day? You completely accept the doormat treatment. Yeah. You realize you are free of thinking things like that. Like what? That I shouldn't be a doormat? Should be. Or that you are. Or that it doesn't matter. Angie said, My sensitivity doesn't want me to be stepped on. And I wouldn't and don't want to step on others. Don't. Definitely. If you feel that that's not your calling, Don't. Whatever, Remember, Whatever you do, However you conduct yourself, Just make sure it's free of fear. That's what is important. That what flows through you is love, The opposite of fear. And then however it manifests in your relationship, That's okay. Surrender to that and the consequences of that. Free yourself from the belief that you know what should be the consequence. You don't know. And it doesn't matter. I think the only other thing in my, My head is the tendency that we have to think in a linear fashion that, You know, This path is straight and how easy it is to, You know, Contemplate what awakening means and what enlightenment means. And in the meantime, While we're contemplating that we're, We're missing those moments where we get to experience that, That divinity, That union with, You know, Another person that you're, You know, Sitting on the couch with having a moment or these moments where we're interacting with these questions and, And whatever it is, You know, But it's not a straight path. Yes. Some people describe it as a spiral that goes ever upwards. It doesn't really matter. It could be, You know, For, For, For probably for the feminine, It's more the easy, It's easier to relate to a spiral that, You know, Sometimes you look at things from this angle and from that angle and you keep on growing on that path. And, And sometimes for the masculine, It's easier to relate to a straight line that is guided by a focused attention and intention. It doesn't really matter. Some life can put us, Can throw us in either direction. What is important is whatever life throws you to, You stay open. You don't argue with that. Believing that you has a better idea about what should happen. Lisa Hernandez, Maybe sum this all up for us with her question. Isn't part of self-love not allowing yourself to be stepped on? So you need to identify which self are you referring to? As long as that self is separated or is guided by this illusion of separateness, Then it, It protects its own assets, Right? And the limited energy and attention it has to life guided by a sense of lack and need. I need to protect myself because life is way bigger than me. And if I'm not guarding those valuable assets of mine, Life will take it away. Yeah. That is called the ego, But self can be expanded to include everything. And then it realized itself to be love. So there is nothing to protect anymore. And there's nobody left there to protect. You see what I'm saying? So if you find yourself on the barricades fighting to preserve what you believe is yours and to grab from life, What you believe you don't have, Just have compassion to that and remind yourself, This is all just a game. It's not real. I'm on, I still have some work to do, But the path I chose leads me to the realization that this is a fallacy. There is no difference between life and me. I am life. I am abundance. I am love. I don't need to fight for it. This is what I am. So it's all a game. It's a joke. Many questions and time is running out. So Miriam said, It's not that you want to be stepped on, But if you are, Freedom would be to not have that behavior affect your inner peace. You are already stepped on now. Don't suffer over it. Exactly. Now, Do I need to leave or stay if I find myself being stepped on? The answer is whatever you choose to do, If there was no fear guiding your choice, You can stay fearless and you can leave fearless and you can stay fearful and you can leave fearful. Make sure that what guides your decision is a heart that is void of fear. Unconditional love translates itself to a decision and an action. If you're not sure, Just look inside and see if you feel any remains of fear guiding you and then ask yourself, What would I do if I was completely free of it? What would Jesus do? Or Buddha? Moses? Karma said something I don't understand. Self-assured spiritual awakening is linear, Especially if nothing matters. It could be linear, It could be instantaneous. Don't put a tag on it. If anything cannot be tagged is spiritual awakening. Don't try to confine it with an idea or a concept. That's ridiculous. It's way beyond your ability to reason and to logic and to understand. The question of the hour, Angie said, How do we live as love every day? With an open heart and a willing soul. I think that's a good question, Angie. For the next session? Yeah, Because that's not a good enough answer. That's gonna be the answer next week. It's not going to change. We can elaborate on that. But that's the bottom line, Guys. And Liz says, I've been listening to this live event. Thank you. And Amanda, I'm Carly, Actually, And you're on for your wisdom and being candid. This has been a learning experience for me. I'm feeling grateful for this. So yeah, Guys, That's a good opportunity to take a break and, You know, Embrace the invitation that we heard here today. Doesn't matter if it's the 1000 times that you hear it or the first time, See if you can hear the calling, Hear the invitation. Even if you cannot embody it today, At least keep it as a possible reality for yourself. And see if you choose, Consciously choose to accept that invitation and start guiding yourself towards that, Realizing myself to be an expression of unconditional, Undivided, Fearless consciousness. Wish you could do this earlier. I have work today and have to stay up to be here. It's 530 a. M. Oh, Wow. I appreciate it. 3. 58. I appreciate it. And maybe the Saturday. Yeah, Sometimes we do it Saturday morning. It might be easier for you guys. So we're going to play with those times to see if we can accommodate everyone. Unfortunately, The world is round and that is not possible, But we're going to do the best. So thank you guys for being here, Sharing your thoughts, Your wisdom, Your insights, Your questions, Your wonders. And thank you for your donations. They are very helpful. And let us meet again to continue this discussion next week. Bring a friend. Let's make it a party. Yes. Bye-bye. Love you very much.