Tend & Befriend Anxiety (IT Live Recording)

Listen to this IT live replay on how to tend and befriend your anxiety using the mindful habit change model and the REAL Method for Emotional Balance. You can find more in the course "REAL Relief For Everyday Stressors".

Transcript

What's really fascinating to me is the mindful habit change loop for anxiety is the same as everything else,

Even though anxiety can actually create its own habit loop.

So you think that like,

Oh,

I'm feeling anxious and then you start worrying because you feel anxious and you don't want to feel anxious.

And then what's the result of that?

Usually you feel more anxious.

And what's been really fascinating is in the three years that I've been working with clients around their anxiety habit loops in their habit loops around overeating and binge eating disorder is that I found that it doesn't actually really matter what triggers your anxiety.

What really matters is the behavior that you do and the result that you get out of it.

So this model of mindful habit change starts with first of all simply recognizing when you're feeling anxious.

And sometimes that's easier said than done.

Sometimes you can be so caught up in actually being anxious that you don't even recognize you're anxious because it's just happening.

So the first step is really just to become aware and to recognize,

Oh,

Wow,

I have anxiety.

And that language is super,

Super important to recognize.

It's not that I am anxious,

It's that I have anxiety.

And then when you have anxiety,

Oftentimes you do something.

And this is where anxiety sort of feeds into other habits that we don't like,

Like drinking alcohol or smoking or overeating or binge watching,

Those kinds of things.

Because sometimes what happens is we get triggered by our boss telling us that we have to send in a report by the end of the day.

And then the behavior,

We want to go eat a handful of M&Ms because we believe that that will help us to calm down and it will make our anxiety go away.

But what I have found with so many clients and with myself is that the results of eating the M&Ms is not that you get less anxiety.

The result of eating the M&Ms is sometimes that you get a sugar rush,

Maybe that you get a cavity,

And that you still have the deadline.

And so what's really interesting is that we oftentimes don't pay attention to if the behaviors that we're doing in relation to our anxiety are actually making us feel better or not.

Because when we feel anxious,

Because we're human beings,

We want to run away from pain and run toward pleasure.

We automatically,

Instinctively try to do something to make our anxiety go away.

And I just listed some behaviors and you're welcome to write in some other behaviors that you do as well.

And what I have found is that no matter what the behavior is,

If it is a substitution strategy that comes from the outside,

Like you're going to do something outside of yourself to make yourself feel better inside,

That it never actually works.

And why does it not work to do that?

That's because when you are feeling anxious,

You are usually afraid of something.

And then underneath that fear that you have,

Usually you will find that there is sort of a sense of incompleteness inside of you,

Or there's something missing,

Or there's just this sort of nagging feeling that there's something wrong with you.

And sometimes people,

I had a client recently describe it as,

Oh,

There's a hole in my soul.

And when I actually look at the anxiety,

I find that hole in my soul.

And so what I want to offer is that when we try to plug the hole from the outside,

It doesn't actually work.

And things just keep falling into the hole and it's just like a never-ending black hole.

But there's something that we can do in order to tend and befriend our anxiety.

And what is really fascinating is that it's something that doesn't come from outside of us.

And it's something that doesn't cost any money.

And it's something that's not very difficult.

It's just simply becoming curious.

So the best strategy I can offer you today when working with tending and befriending your anxiety is actually to just notice your experience of anxiety and to get curious about what it feels like to be experiencing anxiety in your body.

So you might notice that when you experience anxiety,

It comes as your heart is pounding.

Or it comes through this sense of shakiness or a sense of cold clamminess.

Or you feel that your jaw gets really tight.

Or maybe your stomach feels twisted up in knots.

And one thing that you can do is to just simply pay attention to,

Well,

What does this really feel like?

And we want to find this internal behavior that we can replace with the food,

The alcohol,

The binge watching,

All the distractions.

We want to find something that we can do for ourselves from the inside out to help soothe our anxiety in a way that will actually really be healing for us.

And curiosity is the first step in order to create that shift and to actually get out of the habit loop that you've been stuck in and to get what Dr.

Judd calls a bigger,

Better offer.

And we do that by simply paying attention without judgment.

So let's do this together right now.

Just go ahead and close your eyes.

If you're not currently feeling anxious,

That's okay.

Just let yourself think about a time recently that you were feeling anxious.

And instead of thinking about like the worst thing that's ever happened to you that gave you the most paralyzing anxiety,

Just think of something that's like a 4 out of 10.

And from this place where you notice the anxiety,

I want you to just say to yourself,

I have anxiety.

Just simply recognizing and labeling it,

I have anxiety.

And then get curious.

Where?

Where do I have anxiety?

And just notice,

Is it in your belly?

Is it in your chest?

Is it in your face?

Your jaw?

Your throat?

Your neck?

Noticing wherever the anxiety is arising.

Noticing that as you pay attention,

It begins to shift on its own.

And so just allowing yourself to be with the anxiety rather than trying to force it to go away.

I know it's unpleasant.

I know you don't like it.

But instead of pushing it away and judging it as bad and wrong,

See what happens if you actually take your hand and put your hand wherever you're feeling the anxiety and just breathe into it there.

And give it permission to exist.

It's already happening.

So don't run away from it,

But instead just feel it and notice it.

And offer some kindness to yourself from this place.

If it's your chest that's tight,

Just bring your hand to your chest and just breathing into the tightness.

And if you notice that that makes it worse,

Don't do it.

Let your attention go somewhere else and then breathe into a different place.

We're not trying to activate our nervous system.

We're trying to create a sense of ease in it through the breath.

But if at any point that's not healing or that's not conducive for you,

Try something else.

This is all about being curious.

So you've experienced the anxiety in your body and you've allowed it to be here.

And now the last way that we can really tend and befriend our anxiety is through letting go of judging it as bad and wrong.

And letting in more love for ourselves.

Because our anxiety has come in this moment as a teacher.

It's trying to give us information.

And it's showing up in our body in a particular way so that we will pay attention.

So when we let go of making the anxiety itself as sensations in the body a problem,

We allow it to just be there knowing that it's here as a teacher.

It's trying to help us.

It's actually really for us,

Not against us.

We can shift the way that we relate to the anxiety.

And we can find a sense of loving kindness for our bodies.

No matter what's happening in our body,

It's trying to give us signals to support us.

Our body wants us to stay alive.

It wants us to stay balanced.

And it's doing its best in every moment.

So letting go of the judgments about your body.

Letting go of the judgments around what anxiety is showing up as.

And then just letting in some love.

Letting in some kindness.

You can bring your hand to your heart or elsewhere where you want to let some more love in.

And this practice as we've gotten curious,

As we've experienced,

As we've allowed,

And as we've let go with love,

Has been something that's been dynamic.

It's been changing.

It's not stagnant.

You might notice that at this point your body feels different than it did five minutes ago.

So just being with that openness.

Wow,

Curiosity.

Things are new here.

I feel different than I did.

And you might feel all better.

Your anxiety might be totally gone.

You might be even more anxious.

Or you might feel just indifferent.

It doesn't actually matter what the outcome is because we're not trying to fix ourselves.

This practice of tending and befriending the anxiety is not about forcing it to go away or thinking that there's something wrong with us.

It's simply about being kind and compassionate as we are with what is real right now.

And as we get curious and as we get kind about what happens when we experience it and pay attention without judgment.

So just noticing what's real for you right now.

And if you'd like you can open your eyes.

Reviews

Compassionate and kind. Thank you and Blessings 🕊🧘‍♀️🦋

Wonderful! Thank you!