Inner Friendship

In the second episode, Diana and Sheira take listeners on a deep dive into the inner work journey, focusing on the development of a safe and warm relationship with the self. Opening with a short, relaxing meditation, they share teachings and tools to help listeners have a direct, friendly visit with themselves. Topics include compassion, big feelings, critical voice, connection, inter-generational trauma, survival, freedom, and love.

Transcript

Hi,

Everybody,

And welcome to Two Eyes Women Talking.

My name is Shira Khan.

Hi,

Everyone.

This is Diana Zahir.

I'm so happy to be here with you and with Shira.

We've been together for 30 years as friends and students and teachers.

We're so excited to talk about the mystery and the path and this present moment.

So let's get started.

We want to begin our time together today with a short meditation.

Shira and I are so very glad you're here with us.

And we want to feel this kind of connection to each other,

To the group of listeners,

And especially to ourselves.

It's the place we tend to go the least with our warmth.

I'd like us to take a few breaths together.

See what kind of breathing you want to do.

You just want to take a gentle,

Natural breath.

You want to invite more breath in.

Maybe you want to put a hand on your heart,

A hand on your belly.

I'd like you to pay a little visit to you and see whatever's going on there.

Nothing needs to be happening.

We're simply checking in the gentlest,

The friendliest of ways.

When we turn toward ourselves this way with no expectation,

No agenda,

So almost as if we feel that we're bigger than we knew ourselves to be,

We can feel held,

We can feel a part of the life force,

Part of the universe,

A part of the good,

Whatever words resonate for you.

We're a person.

We have a life.

We're appreciating this body,

This mind,

And this heart.

We're also part of something bigger than this.

That is a wondrous mystery.

Take a breath or two more.

Maybe you're skeptical.

Maybe you're curious.

Maybe you feel a connection with that.

Let's bring that into our time with each other.

With this time and space to be curious and learn.

You might like to keep your eyes closed,

Focus on your breath,

As we come back to our conversation together.

That's the end of our meditation.

I have some responses to the meditation that might be interesting for people to hear.

Part of what I'm going to check in about is that in expanding in my career this week and putting myself out there more,

I've had fear come in.

During the meditation,

When you reminded us that we're part of a life force that comes into us,

The way you articulated it very quickly connected me to something larger.

Knowing that I'm part of something as resourced and vast and abundant as the larger universe calmed me down so much.

Go ahead.

They're just inner medicine.

How fun that you did that with yourself.

Yeah.

I had a client use the word expansiveness this week.

She started me thinking about that as it relates to feeling calmer.

Because when you are part of something larger,

You feel less isolated.

It's very comforting.

We could talk for hours just about what you said,

Right?

Then I think there is a movement inside of all of us during this pandemic toward expansion.

Maybe it's flowing for some of us.

I think people are expanding.

People are awakening.

People are getting much bigger than they normally feel as their regular sense of self.

It's exhilarating.

We feel in alignment with our sense of purpose.

We really feel like we know why we're here.

It can also be scary because we're getting bigger than we know ourselves to be.

You and I both know the critical voice is ready to jump in and say,

Don't worry,

I'll help you with that.

I'll get you back down to size where you can function and know who you are.

It's almost like a call of the universal collective to expand into more compassion,

Into more capacity,

Into more curiosity.

In a particular way that's coming through you or coming through me.

I'm coming through everyone.

It's like an illumined field right now.

An illuminated field.

Like both of those words.

To have companionship while we're going through such a radical change in consciousness.

I think there's so many ways things are being redesigned right now.

I think it's like our,

What do you call it?

The recommended daily allowance vitamin when you and I grew up.

All those vitamins you needed to have.

I think this is the vitamin everybody is wanting and needing.

How can I have companionship for this massive awakening?

For this expansion that's happening in my life.

You and I both know the truth has its own energy.

Anytime we align with truth,

We feel this inner experience unlike any other.

Whether it feels like a nectar,

Or a warmth,

Or a tingling.

We get this feedback from our inner journey GPS that says,

Yes,

That's it.

I think people are looking for connectivity.

They're looking for that fellow traveler energy.

Because when we do that the field gets bigger.

The energetic field feels very palpable,

And real,

And alive.

That feeds us.

Also,

As you said,

We have that direct connect to the life force.

It's great to have that with people,

But that companionship,

That growing of community that starts this turning toward ourselves,

Which is what we began with in that meditation.

The more I develop that muscle,

And it's really education,

We just didn't grow up doing that.

That's all.

Our parents didn't know how to do that because their parents didn't know how to do that.

We're all so good,

And wholesome,

And available,

But we just haven't learned that.

So when we're turning toward the self,

When we're seeing that as the portal,

The inner harbor,

The home base,

That gives the opportunity to have a life force moment like,

Wow,

There I am.

Here's what I'm doing.

I'm not alone.

There's all that universe juice is saying,

Shira Khan,

Here we go.

Let's do this.

It's like,

Whoa,

Yay,

Surfing.

I hit the right wave.

We're just practicing the conditions that allow that to happen.

How great something as simple as five minutes turning toward the breath,

Having something called awareness,

Having this friendly attitude,

This friendly tone.

I think that's what you and I are going to talk about today anyway,

Is friendship and all the different ways friendship shows up in our lives.

This inner friendship is the foundation for everything,

But it may feel so conceptual and so foreign and so risky.

We need outer friends to do that until we can keep melting into the inner friendship.

It's an inside out job,

But I think it has to start as an outside in.

I'm so glad you said that about that influx of energy.

Sometimes it can be a feeling of excitement or a feeling of affection that comes because in this very charged time of the pandemic,

People are aware of the dragon breathing fire at the gate of the cave,

And they're aware of the fire and how scary it is.

What I mean by that metaphor is we have feelings that may be labeled negative,

Like fear or people have anxiety.

People are having a lot of anger,

I'm noticing in my work with people.

When we can turn toward it and stay in it in this very charged time,

On the other side of that is who we really are,

Our resource,

The force of truth.

This isn't just the reason to turn toward yourself,

But when you're on the other side and you think all you see is the anger or the fear or something negative,

I'm glad you mentioned that on the other side of it is the sweetest,

Most loving,

And you use the word safe in the meditation,

A feeling of safety that's on the other side.

I sometimes feel like I have to sell people on that point,

Like please,

Please stay with yourself because on the other side are things that are very positive.

I think you and I having done the meditation,

The Diamond Heart work so early,

It meant that we knew from early on that staying with the soul would have very positive results.

Some people don't necessarily have that experience,

So I'm really appreciating getting to language that and to talk about that because that is on the other side.

Yeah,

That is so lucky for us and we were pretty brave and we were really young and not everybody's life has that unfoldment and not every 20 year old wants to do that.

So I think life was really kind to us that we got put in that really amazing situation with the Diamond Heart work and Hamid and we had the support and the courage to stay with that because that was a challenge even for warriors like us.

I mean to learn to trust the process and to let it be a lived experience.

But I think what I want to add to what you're saying in relationship to that early training,

I think now there's so many different variables happening,

But what people really need,

Because not everybody's going to do Diamond Heart and that's fine,

I think we're making our own blend of showing people this is true and that is also true right now.

You may not want to be the spiritual warrior who's going to spend 15 years on the journey and I wouldn't trade that for anything that shaped my life so beautifully.

But I think what I do with people and what you do with people is maybe the abridged version or the mommy version.

I mean I speak for myself where yeah I mean all kinds of stuff is erupting right now and you know we keep watching the spike during pandemic like it's chill and then all kinds of pain and suffering and things are coming up in relationships.

But I think when we can sit with a person and say wow I see that I see what you're going through and that is so intense and I'm here I'm right here with you you can hear my voice you can feel my presence you know usually we're on video and I also want to remind you that this is true.

These two things are not at odds and you may not be able to feel this other thing I'm talking about or I'm transmitting to you or I'm offering to you energetically through presence whatever presence is doing in this conversation.

But I think people want to have some access to both.

They want support for the pain and the fear and the confusion and that they forgot themselves again or this happened in their life and it's so terrifying but they also they're so curious about what is this other thing here right now and maybe they can't turn toward it yet on their own.

They can they can feel it in the room with us.

And when we have this privilege to be together the two of us or a group and we're saying okay let's everybody turn toward the self right now turn toward this mysterious thing happening in you we're growing that I really love thinking about this as education because no one's doing anything wrong.

Nobody's trying to harm themselves or harm other people it's just a lack of knowingness I just didn't know about that.

And our innocence our sincerity this part of us that is so earnest and curious that's what can learn.

How great how great is that.

Yeah so the other comment I had about the after the meditation and it's related to the about the after the meditation and it's related to this theme of intimacy that we have we have friends who help us turn toward ourselves and there's a friendliness about that and then on the other side of difficulty can be can be a friendly place but the part I the the part I want to comment on so when I opened my eyes and I saw your face you were looking off camera a little bit and you you really you'll see if you when you play it back you had this this look in your eyes that you had just visited with a friend and were telling jokes to each other or shared a secret or something it was a very it was a very intimate intimate look sometimes when we're in a deep place it's more of like a universal look on one's face but this is very much like there there had been an interaction with with a with a beloved yeah so I really noticed that and it was so sweet well I think that's part of why our particular friendship is so precious because we just like each other anyway but we have this very long connection that is about the physical that it's about the spiritual it's about education it's about all these things so we notice all these nuances and we love it because we love that in you and I love that in me but I think also because we began to be friends so early when we didn't know any of this stuff I mean I remember so much of my early 20s being very unfriendly with me my critical voice was so loud I didn't have any tools and it was a very unhappy experience when I would turn toward myself so I didn't want to do that and now after all this time and all this learning and the fact that you and I are still so close so beautiful we can both see how having this abundant friendship inside and having a continuous warm friendship together I mean it's just a huge gift but it's so different you know the the lack of inner friendship but having a lovely external friendship and then watching that deepen and grow and have all these different parts of our different experiences that's also here being friendly with ourselves really having the chance to absorb that and grow that and have that as part of our daily life I mean I want that for everybody I think that's the most life-changing thing we could ever give to ourselves and to our families and to our communities and what you're saying about you know a little secret or a little smile it's so hard to put these things into words but you know sitting here or you know all the people I'll talk to today you know all the people I'll talk to today and the teaching will come through I actually feel like it's a party in here and yeah there's a lot of terrible stuff happening in the world those two things are not in conflict and I think this party in me wants to help all of that but I feel a kind of inner physical hug all day long there's just this warm loving holding that's not an idea it's an experience so I can say from how it is in here I know the universe loves us because it's hugging me from the inside all day I know that consciousness is friendly because every time I go in here it's so nice to me it's all the roomy pugs in one the family darling comes home that's not just some beautiful literary image I mean I really feel like there's this sense of you being in your back or you're still here I think that's our nature and external friendship is a beautiful thing we can have especially those really deep 30-year connections like you and I have but I think that's also a mirror of what is possible in here we don't have to go away and if we do that's okay too and when we come back the universe is elated and welcoming and cherishing like oh yay you're back how great that that could be so and that that is so but that's not really what we're talking about some people are talking about it I think we're talking about it more I think we have all these incredible teachers on the planet with their approaches and their doorways to the divine or to the the life force or to self-love yeah it's all the same thing it all kind of dissolves into love all of it if we want to follow it and we don't have to and that's fine too I was wondering what would come out today about friendship and friendliness and I'm delighted and a little surprised that it's coming out like this this was not preconceived did not know this was coming it came right out on your face and now there's this beautiful teaching for me this is me this is the way you're putting this into words I've been teaching about the inner critic for a long time but this is new to free for me to have this understanding with you today is is is new and I feel I feel happy and excited it's like you opened up a new way of having love inside with this and Shira I think part of what you do is teach things so clearly you're like this clear light so maybe you could put it into words for yourself because I think that would help a lot of people to hear what are you having as your own aha in your own process or as a a teacher of so many what could you put it into sheer language yeah I have some words coming but I'm actually going to just drop in for a minute and see if any more come so what it is that is feeling new is the personalness of it so the way that the the way that the love is showing shows up in my being a lot is through a felt experience of calmness openness relaxation clarity that's that's how I've been experiencing when my critic is not there that's what is there but the personalness the affection the contact like your face after the meditation it showed an interaction had taken place so I mean I enjoy the calm open clear feeling I want I hope that's still you know I still want that I still want to be able to abide in there but to add in the way that so I was saying that's how love has been manifesting in me with those descriptors to have love come in in this with this form of interaction and personalness it is similar to the love that you experience with a friend or an intimate partner or a lover or something like that and I don't have that as much inside I feel excited to think about that there's a meditation that I do where one of the you you concentrate on your different chakras basically and at the solar plexus it's the thing you say at that point is I'm happy to be present and in the back of my mind I was thinking always of how it's going with my intimates like their images would be in my mind and I noticed that and I and I started to say at the beginning of this week what about if happiness to be present has to do with my connection to to the universe to God to choose your name for it and so this teaching today on Friday after I prayed for just more understanding more movement about that starting on Monday feels like an answer to a prayer that there's a happiness with the way you speak about it and what I saw in your face like I just met a friend and we hung out and and it was really really pleasurable I know Rumi talks about that and I've I've read Rumi I love I love it but there's a way in which today it's it's really coming to be understood my throat is tightening I feeling teary I think I'm feeling tears of happiness like that meeting that meeting and knowing that that meeting is in me and yeah it's what the Buddhists teach us that you can't really you can't really rely on what's external because in the physical world there's no guarantee and the pandemic keeps showing that to us over and over again if nothing else that this is temporary this is temporary yeah and to know that all is not lost that there's a there's a partner inside an actual partner and experience of that sounds so tender and beautiful sounds so tender and beautiful for you I the tears they're they're tears of happiness but I think they're also tears of sadness I'm not sure why I'm just gonna let it keep happening yeah I think those awakening moments that we can have that are filled with all different kinds of tears there's just this relief of wow that's what home is for me that is my nature and also you know it can feel so mex so bittersweet I just didn't know that I didn't know all those things that have happened based on the belief that something else is true I just I didn't know I think the words are coming out I've missed you I've missed you yeah it's like when we see a friend we haven't seen for such a long time think of all the hugs that are gonna happen when we can all hug each other again and how people have been physically alone for much longer than they for much longer than they ever would have chosen that reunion so we can have that really precious reunion with family and friends that we're all starting to plan but then reunion with ourselves anytime all the time if we're curious if we want to do that and it's always a choice we have so many great things to talk about related to all of this yeah go ahead what were you gonna say I think that this reunion that I'm having and it's in this moment I think there was a specific time in my life that this part of me was accessible and that I made a decision to shut the door on it and I don't need to go into to the specifics of that but just the the feeling of I think kids do know have access to to the beyond and and then with the things that happen in life I think we're in unity in the beginning when we arrive from this mysterious unity then we have our jobs here developmentally right growing a personality which is all about forgetting that yeah and I think that's I think that the tears are related to that that it wasn't a conscious decision but it was it was a movement on on my part and turning my back and just sad about how that all went down it was it was done out of what I perceived to be necessity at the time and but just the the sadness of having turned my back and the happiness of having reunion absolutely but again you know if we use our awareness to let reality inform us and I think this is part of what's so phenomenal right now things are being redesigned but children born on this planet arrive as pure presents so everybody falls in love with them just wants to look at them all day long who are you where'd you come from oh my goodness our hearts keep bursting but it's the way that the program has operated here for arriving and developing and we develop a personality we develop an eco we go through developmental phases it's not fabulous in terms of what we're talking about but it's fabulous and terms of that's what you do to be on this planet and stay on this planet you want to have a healthy ego you want to be able to function in these physical form dimensions and you want to be able to get along in your family well you're given this kind of um blueprint that you don't even really realize you're receiving but you're just doing it why do we grow up in a world where you're not even able to do it you're not even able to do it you're not even able to do it but you're just doing it why do we grow teeth why do we sleep at night all these things happen that are part of planet earth living and we're having that journey and yeah of course we can look back now from moments of oneness like wow I really disappeared a lot or I shut the door at this moment and I could see that my life was so close to that and the unfoldment of that old system but it was so innocent and it was so natural in terms of and now this happens and now that happens we're just doing what life was informing us to do and I think you know doesn't have to be a complete getting redesigned energetically somehow.

There is so much mystery.

We don't normally focus so much on the mystery.

I think the pandemic has brought that up for people that they're curious about what they didn't know,

Or what seems to be happening that they don't understand,

Or how there could be a virus that they can't see and measure.

The mystery keeps popping into regular life,

Which can lead some people to want to know even more about what is my purpose?

Who am I really?

What am I doing here?

What is this gift of life?

Then we look back,

As you said,

I shut the door on that.

Well,

Okay,

There are probably some really good reasons why that happened.

Definitely.

That had to do with survival and unconscious and conscious and the way life had unfolded.

We can be informed by all of it.

We can keep allowing in more.

This is true.

That is true.

What's true now?

We have so many different topics we want to share in these podcasts.

I feel so many of them calling off of this one.

But I think the thing I would just say,

Without getting too esoteric,

That when we have a moment,

Like we're talking about right now,

A reunion moment,

A remembering moment,

Feeling that inner holding field somatically,

Really getting it on a direct experiential level,

That I am the family darling.

When I come home,

I feel received by the life force.

It's so good.

It's not dependent on anyone or anything being a certain way.

There is this natural,

Ever present experience in here in my inner harbor.

It's one little moment of that.

But really,

On this deep,

Deep level,

Under all the human challenges and cool things that happen here,

We are doing this very mysterious thing.

The threat of it is love.

A lot of what happens here doesn't feel like love.

But if you think about the river running underneath all of it,

Babies arrive on the planet,

And they're pure love.

Where do they come from?

We can have lots of stories or religious explanations or scientific ideas,

But really,

None of us know what's going on.

Babies are here,

And we rejoice.

Then we have all these moments of aliveness and remembering.

Then,

As hard as it is for our minds and our egos and our form,

We are going to exit at some point,

And hopefully not for a long time.

But when we exit,

That exit is actually an exit in love.

All the stuff that's happening while we're here,

This river of love is not only under it,

But it is pervading us,

Whether we're in contact with it or not.

We don't have to be.

But on this very deep level,

That is something that is true.

When we keep having that reunion,

It's like,

Whoa,

There's that love again,

There's that love again.

You can have these moments where you really feel that continuity of consciousness,

Or love,

Or whatever word you want to choose.

I think we talked about this last time we were chatting.

There was this teacher who said,

Consciousness wants to evolve through you.

We could say love wants to be itself as you here right now.

We don't always feel loving.

It doesn't feel like loving things are happening.

But on this very deep energetic level,

That's what happens.

That's what's happening.

That's why when we come back inside,

It's like,

Whoa,

There it is again.

I missed it.

I can't believe it's here.

I'm so happy.

It does feel like a party.

Because love is who we are.

It's the fabric of our being.

It's the energy firing in ourselves.

I feel that as you say it,

And I find myself opening and feeling calm and optimistic again.

Before you started sharing about this part,

I think I was aware of what was more of how I was feeling and what was going on when I made the decision to turn away from this part of me.

I was feeling honestly a little scared and a little sad.

Then when you speak about the love and the current being right there,

I'm reminded of that.

Then that's right there.

It's like there's both.

There were really scary things happening.

I was young.

It was really,

Really hard.

I couldn't bear it.

There's this flow of love that was there then that is still here now.

I think there can be an invitation sometimes then to turn your back on the pain and just face toward the love.

I think what we're doing and what we're talking about is making room for both.

The way that you and I do the teaching,

It's making room for both.

Yeah.

That actually is what's needed.

That's what people are looking for because then the teaching is experiential.

In this moment right now,

There's both.

I don't have to push anything away.

I was scared and that was true.

I was really,

Really sad and that was true.

There's this flow of love that was there also and is here now.

Or even there's the possibility or what if it's true?

Having that openness,

It's this tone,

This attitude of lightness and curiosity.

I may be leaning much more into the suffering.

Any little reminder,

That little dink,

Dink,

Dink,

Little temple bell,

What if it's true?

I'm so skeptical.

What if it's true what they're talking about?

What if that could actually be here for me right now?

That with my suffering,

Which I need care and support for,

I really do.

What if it's also true that there is a warm,

Ever-present energy right here with me?

Just allowing that possibility gives permission for the two things to be there.

Good point.

Yeah.

All of these things that you and I teach about all day in terms of what's friendly self-care.

This is very important and practical.

What are healthy,

Friendly relationships for our lives?

So important.

We're creating all of these things that support what we're talking about.

We're looking for abundance here.

It doesn't have to be I'm sitting alone in the monastery feeling all of this inside of me.

That's great too.

But we're having physical lives.

We have children.

We have partners.

We're cooking dinner.

We have parents.

We're having a family.

We're having children.

We have partners.

We're cooking dinner.

We have parents.

How can I bring in as much well-being and friendship as possible to all these parts of my life,

Which support me coming back here to be with myself?

This is part of our education.

I think on a given day when we're talking to someone and they show up,

We'll look at this part or that part.

But all of that kindness,

All of that holding,

It's almost like snow because there's so much snow where I am.

It's like snow melting down the hill.

You're just going to melt back into the center at some point.

It's all in service of that.

Critical voice work,

Of course,

What you and I love to teach is one of the most amazing ways to set up the conditions so the snow melts right back into that.

If my critical voice is quiet,

Then there's space.

If there's space,

I'm probably curious.

If I'm curious,

I'm probably nice to myself.

If I'm nice to myself,

I'm just going to relax into my being at some point.

Because it's safe.

There's the safety again.

Shira,

When we begin to talk about safety and trusting the moment and becoming aware of the critical voice,

I feel like we're entering such a huge area of teaching.

I can't wait for us to focus on this in more detail.

I think we've hit a to-be-continued moment.

I think we have,

And I really look forward to talking about that with you,

With our listeners.

Me too.

More to come on this topic and many others.

I'm so glad we got to do this today.

Yes,

And I want to thank all of the listeners for engaging with us and with this material.

Have a beautiful day and a beautiful night,

Everybody.

And be sure to enjoy your closeness with yourself and with everything you love.

Bye for now.

See you next time.

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