IFS Insight: Nurturing Your Inner Child (Exiles)

In this episode, Tim Fortescue explores the concept of the inner child within the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. He emphasizes the importance of connecting with our inner child parts, which hold both the wounds and gifts from our past. Through a series of reflective questions and personal anecdotes, Tim guides listeners on how to nurture and embrace these younger aspects of themselves, fostering healing and self-awareness. The episode encourages compassion towards oneself and highlights the significance of building a relationship with our inner child for personal growth and emotional well-being.

Transcript

So if you're listening to this,

It's likely because you value the journey inward,

The process of understanding yourself better,

Offering compassion to the parts of you that need it most and growing in self-awareness and healing.

And so today we're going to talk about what can often be a tender and powerful part of this IFS parts work journey or aspect of it.

And it's connecting with your inner child.

This is a journey into those younger,

Sometimes vulnerable parts of you that hold both the wounds and the gifts of your past.

And whether you're familiar with IFS or just curious about the idea of inner child work,

This episode will guide you toward deeper connection with these parts.

And so let's look at what is the inner child first.

And our inner child parts are those younger aspects of ourselves that formed in response to early experiences.

And you'll also,

They're called exiles in the model,

But they're the little ones that are protectors.

Those proactive managers and reactive firefighters protect.

And these responses to early experiences that our inner child exiled parts,

Both the joyful and the challenging ones are impactful to our life.

And some of these parts might be playful,

Imaginative and curious,

And those are gifts,

But they also might carry the burdens of past wounds like feeling unloved,

Scared,

Or unseen.

You might notice these parts showing up in your life today in surprising ways.

Maybe you feel a wave of insecurity when receiving criticism or desire to be noticed or praised when you accomplish something.

These are clues that younger parts of you might be seeking attention,

Care,

And connection.

For me,

I often notice a young part that shows up when I feel uncertain,

When I'm questioning myself,

Can't make a decision,

Or that part can also feel unworthy.

I can't trust myself.

And that part can't trust me to make a decision.

And this part carries a memory of a moment from my childhood and one I'll share with you just briefly that shaped how I respond to the world even now.

But first,

Let's explore how we can begin to connect with the center child.

And know too that those protectors are coming in too and be aware of them in this work.

Even the reality that you're listening to an episode that is talking about those younger exiled parts,

You may have protectors that say,

Wait a minute,

Turn this off.

Or say,

No,

Keep listening.

You can get healed and you can get help.

And we don't wanna bypass those protectors.

And they really give us permission.

We've gotta get their total buy-in before we move forward.

But if they're up,

Just let them know that we're just being curious and learning a little bit today.

Not gonna be any deep work here.

They may be surprised by what they learn.

And so here are three questions to help you begin this process of checking in with those exiles or those inner child parts.

And as I do this,

I encourage you to pause and reflect as you listen or come back to these later when you have some quiet time.

But the first one is,

What parts of you feel like they're still very,

Very young,

Not too old?

Just children?

Often,

All of our parts are younger,

But maybe even pre-verbal or seven or less,

For example.

Maybe it's a part that feels small,

Shy,

Or unsure in certain situations.

Or perhaps it's a playful,

Creative part that lights up when given freedom,

But it hasn't been given that freedom in a while.

And it helps you light up today,

And you need it.

We're not trying to put these parts out of a job,

But we're trying to let them know whether they're protecting little ones or they're the little ones that they're not the burdens that they carry.

They're very worthy,

As I can tell my little one.

And just notice what comes to mind.

Then another question that could be helpful,

How can you provide care and attention to these inner child parts?

Think about what these parts need.

And be aware that these protectors that have been looking out for these little ones in my system,

They're often 12,

13 young teenagers,

That they've been working for a long time,

And often they can be kind of gatekeepers to help us get to know these little parts more,

These younger parts,

Once they trust us.

So keep that in mind.

And then think about what these parts might need.

Do they want to be heard?

Often when you can build the trust in your system and go to these younger parts,

They have lots to say,

Lots of stories to share.

And do they need reassurance that you're worthy,

You're enough,

You're not alone?

Or maybe they're asking for time to simply play or rest.

So be aware of that.

And then finally,

What do these parts need to feel safe and loved?

Often they're stuck in the past.

They don't know that you're not your mom or your dad.

Things are different now.

And there's hope for them to feel better and to have a sense of being brought into the future to where you are.

Not that they need to grow up.

I've screwed that up so many times in my own life and with others.

They can still be kids,

Maybe for the first time,

But they don't have to stay stuck in the past.

And those gifts of that playfulness and lighting things up make you who you are today.

And you may have missed that spark in your adult self because these parts are stuck in the past.

And often our inner child parts,

Those exiles need simple things,

A kind word,

A gentle touch,

Or the promise that they're no longer alone.

And so take your time with these questions.

You might even write your thoughts in a journal or speak them aloud as a way to connect more deeply.

And now let me share just a story of one of my younger parts.

I remember a specific moment from my childhood when a younger part of me became deeply burdened.

Often in my own work,

I go back to a part that is around seven.

Yeah,

Not a happy home life.

And eventually when I was about 12,

My parents separated.

And often going back to this younger part,

It can even span from eight to 12.

And of course there are other parts in there too,

But these are my young,

Vulnerable,

Wounded ones.

And I go back there and just remember going to school,

Not belonging.

Most people had healthier home relationships,

Or at least they seem like they did than I did.

And I remember things like show and tell.

What am I gonna bring?

How am I gonna relate to these people?

And my little ones,

Specifically that seven or eight year old,

Still carry that.

And I'm aware of them.

And even though I worked so hard to fit in or this part worked so hard to really prove that it belonged and was excited to share and to be fully seen and heard.

There were times where I was made fun of,

This little guy was made fun of and yeah,

Was bullied.

And this part remembers the hot face,

Racing heart,

In many situations and feeling so small and exposed.

And this part of me decided then at seven or eight,

That it wasn't safe to show my creativity or express myself freely.

And it noticed this at home with sarcasm when you try to be vulnerable.

And this part took on the belief that if I wasn't perfect,

Or if I didn't please everyone,

I'd be laughed at or rejected.

And this part has stayed with me even as an adult,

Showing up as anxiety when I create something new or put myself out there.

When I'm seeing clients,

I still have a small rock behind me.

If you're watching the video of the podcast,

You can see there just in front of the candle,

There's a small blue rock that I can't seem to point at,

But it's behind me.

And when I sense some anxiety with my clients,

I'll reach behind me and I'll pick this rock up and just hold it as a reminder that things are different now and this part is not alone.

And over the years,

I've learned to connect with this younger part.

I'll sit quietly sometimes and close my eyes and imagine that little eight-year-old standing in front of a class for show and tell.

And I'll tell him,

It's okay,

You're safe now.

You don't have to be perfect to be loved.

And I'm so grateful for this community and the feedback that I've got from you that putting myself out there is helping others.

And I let this little guy know that.

And I let him know that his creativity is valuable,

Not because of what others think,

But because it brings joy and meaning to his life.

And it's not always easy.

Sometimes I still go in that shame spiral.

Sometimes that part still feels scared,

But each time I offer him kindness,

The burden lightens a little more.

And he is able to give me that spark that lights me up in who I am today.

And I've missed that so much,

And I'm so glad that he's back.

And hopefully you can let your little one know that too.

And if this resonates with you,

Here are some ways to nurture your inner child,

Maybe even this week.

You've heard me say it before,

Visualization.

Find a quiet moment to sit with your eyes closed and imagine your younger self.

What do they look like?

And be aware of those protectors.

This little seven-year-old of mine,

He's got a 12-year-old that is saying,

Do not be vulnerable.

If you put yourself out there,

You don't know what people are gonna say.

That manager,

And then that firefighter that says,

I'm sick of not putting myself out there,

Let's do it.

And they're both protecting this little guy inside of me.

And be aware of that dynamic in your system.

What does that younger self look like?

And how do you feel?

Picture yourself sitting beside them,

Offering comfort and safety.

Maybe it's journaling,

Writing a letter to your inner child.

Let them know you see them and that you're here to take care of them.

They're not alone.

Or let them write a letter to you.

What might they say if they had a voice?

And playfulness,

Such a gift.

And that's the belovedness,

The self-energy at work.

So give yourself permission to play this week and let that little one know that it's a gift that it brings.

Maybe go play with it.

Do something you loved as a child.

Color in a coloring book,

Dance to your favorite song.

I'm taking these things to heart too,

Because I could use a little playfulness.

Maybe build something with your hands.

Let it be about joy,

Not productivity.

And self-talk.

When you notice a younger part showing up,

Perhaps in moments of fear,

Insecurity,

Pause and offer a kind word.

You're safe now.

I've got you.

And so why does all this matter?

With our inner little ones.

It isn't just about healing the past.

It's about building a relationship with yourself,

With your parts,

In the present.

It's where the healing,

And this just solidifies,

And you can live in that self of who you are today.

And these younger inner child exiled parts that have literally been pushed down hold keys to creativity,

Curiosity,

And joy,

As well as also carrying the pain that they carry.

From past trauma and hurt,

And by tending to them,

You unlock a greater sense of peace and wholeness.

So as we wrap up,

I wanna invite you to carry this practice into the week and into your life if you can.

Notice when those younger parts of you show up.

Instead of brushing them aside,

Pause and simply ask,

What do you need from me right now?

And it's not about fixing them.

It's about being present,

Showing up with love,

And reminding them that they are not alone.

But let's be aware of those inner children and ourselves,

And those protectors that have been working so hard to keep them safe.

Remind them who we are.

There's a whole team here,

And they're not alone.

And so until our next session,

I encourage you to take care of yourself and take care of your parts.

You're worth it.

Reviews

Thank you for another inspiring talk. I was recently triggered when a health care provider scolded me for taking up too much of her time. I journaled , got insights and set boundaries with her after which she apologized. It felt liberating for my inner child to assert herself .

Thank you this is helpful to me and my parts they like the message!