What you just said is what to say.
Essentially,
Like,
I don't know how to say this.
It sounds like blame,
But it's not.
But here's what I feel,
Right?
I know it's going to be misunderstood.
Let it be messy,
Because what it is is just honest.
And if people take it as blame,
Then they take it as blame,
Which is let them have their experience.
And you can do your best to say,
I'm not really trying to blame you.
I'm confused on the inside.
This is what's happening right now.
Which speaks to the beauty of relationship and conversation,
Right,
Where everyone is allowed to have their experience.
But the more there is an awareness of where feelings arise,
Right,
Internally in response to how we see things,
Then there's less projecting onto others and blaming them for what's going on inside.
Like,
I can say to my partner,
Like,
When you do X,
Y,
Z,
It really hurts.
It's not blaming her.
It's just letting her know my experience.
And vice versa,
Like,
I want to hear that from her.
I want to know what her experience is.
But it doesn't have to include an energy of blame.
And even if somebody else is blaming me,
It doesn't mean that I have to buy in to the blame of me.
Like,
I don't have to now blame myself.
I can let them have their experience,
Where to them,
It looks like it's my fault for the way that they feel,
Right?
And this is what I love about the experiment in my relationship is my partner has no awareness of these things,
Right?
Just a very traditional Catholic girl.
Like,
This is,
You know,
Not her wheelhouse.
And so in her very real human experience,
There's people to blame for how you feel.
And it's been beautiful to watch,
Right,
To hold a space where that's just allowed.
You're allowed to have that experience.
And to hold a space that allows it,
It creates space for the awareness of what's actually going on.
Because fundamentally,
It's all just a misunderstanding.
So let's heal the misunderstanding.
There can be the spiritual trap,
Which is,
Oh,
It's all me.
So I'm just going to be silent and repress all these things and keep it on the inside.
But that's not the invitation,
Right?
Because just like you said,
Oh,
This is about letting other people be themselves.
It's also about you letting yourself be yourself,
Which is you're allowed to feel what you feel.
And you see that sort of honesty of just expressing what's actually being felt is perceivably dangerous,
Right,
Of expressing how you really feel about something.
Because then we're worried about what other people will think.
Also be aware that you can't actually be rejected.
Because when somebody else rejects you,
That's letting them have their experience,
Right?
You're allowed to reject your idea of me.
Because it's not really me.
And I love you.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
Because again,
One of those things that helps endlessly in my relationship experience is understanding that we all have the same issue,
Right?
We all have the same fear and we all have the same desire.
And it's never personal.
So when somebody acts crazy,
They act crazy for the same reason I act crazy.
I'm afraid of not being enough.
It's not really about me.
And there's such a beautiful compassion that just releases everyone to have their experience.
