Hello,
Sunshine.
Did you know that so many of our struggles in life point back to the equality of relationship that we have with ourselves?
If you didn't know that,
Then I don't know if you want to watch this video because that's not always such a fun thing to find out.
And if you did know that,
Then you still might like this video because it's going to clarify and simplify a journey towards healing the relationship with yourself.
This video that I'm about to start is from a weekly group coaching call that I do.
And I've cut it up a little bit,
Removing some silences and some other things that might not be super relevant just so that you can get the real meat of the content.
It's a bit of a meditative exploration where I take my time and try and guide you through a process of seeing these things because the real discovery and the real healing isn't just in information.
There's a deep self-inquiry and a self-honesty that has to be allowed to be seen.
And then the insights can make themselves profoundly clear in your direct experience.
By the way,
My name is Tiger.
My job is to share insight and wisdom that invites you to open up,
Fear less and love more.
Ultimately,
Hopefully helping you return to a more grounded,
Loving and playful version of yourself.
If you dig this kind of stuff and you want to find out more,
I have a ridiculous amount of free content on my website,
Heartbase.
Io.
And you'll find a newsletter there that I send out every Monday as well called the four minute Monday insight letter.
Something like that.
If you dig my flavor and how I talk about these things,
Then you're going to love it.
Check it out.
Enjoy the video.
So,
I want to do a little bit of an experiment with you,
An exercise.
And I feel that maybe in a gentle way it will just make obvious the path toward healing.
Whatever it is seems to be the problematic aspect of our human journey.
And I want to guide us through the nature of relationship.
Because for me,
Everything comes back to this exploration,
Meaning that we're in a constant state of relating all the time.
Whether it's with a significant other,
Whether it's with your thoughts,
Whether it's with your emotions,
Whether it's with your work,
Whether it's with your past,
Whether it's with your future,
We're constantly in a state of relating.
And as human beings,
And at least what I see in my experience,
If we look at our,
Let's say,
Relationship experience with significant others,
People you're dating,
People you're married to,
If I look at my experience in all of the disasters of relating,
I very quickly see that,
Oh,
I wasn't very good at relating.
And it kind of made it obvious why the disaster was a disaster.
And you notice,
Maybe we've all had these experiences with relationships with others where there seems to be some sort of disaster and we wonder what's going on,
Why is it like this?
And then given some time,
You see yourself and you go,
Ah,
Okay,
I see where I didn't really show up.
I see where I was blaming.
I see where I was projecting.
I see where I was being unkind.
I see where I wasn't listening.
But you notice in the moment,
Though,
It doesn't seem like that,
Right?
It doesn't seem like there's some sort of unconsciousness playing out.
Maybe it seems like we're doing all the right things and the other person's doing all the wrong things.
But again,
Given some time and we look back,
We see something else entirely.
So I'm going to go slow here and just really take my time and invite you to look at some things.
And even if you've heard me say a lot of these things before,
Just go through it with me again.
The way that I want to start this is I just want you to imagine the most beautiful,
Loving relationship with a significant other.
Maybe you can't imagine that with your current significant other,
And that's fine.
Maybe you don't have one,
But let's just pretend here.
Let's pretend that the fantasy came true,
That you found someone to love you completely,
That this person listens to you.
This person doesn't judge you.
This person doesn't criticize you.
This person wants what's best for you,
Genuinely.
And also this person doesn't really know what's best for you.
But yet they want the best for you.
And just sort of recognize the beauty of that quality of love.
It's almost where it's like the other person knows that they don't need you,
But yet they see something in you that they just absolutely adore.
So much so that all of your insecurities and all of your inadequacies,
To them,
It's the most adorable thing.
You could say,
Oh,
I'm so insecure about this,
And I'm having doubts about this,
And they just say,
Oh my God,
You're the cutest thing.
They hold you in that.
And sure,
Granted,
There might be moments of disagreement,
Maybe even moments of argument,
But yet there's this respect there.
Maybe you've experienced,
Maybe you've craved it.
It's where you can disagree with someone,
But still radically respect each other.
And I don't know,
Maybe,
Well,
For sure,
Because it's a fantasy,
Maybe we're not looking at it realistically,
But what I'm really attempting to do is to point toward the nature of a healthy relationship.
And maybe if we bring it back to earth from the fantasy,
We can recognize what a healthy relationship would look like and how supportive that would feel.
Now to draw a comparison,
Imagine the same partner that you have is the complete opposite,
Where they constantly want something from you.
They constantly see you as not enough.
When you're emotional,
They think you're overreacting.
They don't want to hear what's sincere,
Because then it makes them doubt.
They want to control you.
And their love is conditional.
Their love says,
I'll love you if.
If you be how I want you to be,
I'll love you if.
And not only that,
They see you as an object where your sole function is to make them look good.
Don't embarrass me.
Don't look dumb.
Because when other people see you,
I need them to think that I'm cool.
So I need you to be cool.
I need you to make me look good.
And we see that that actually happens,
Right?
That's a real thing in relationships.
And you can see how much of a disaster that would be in the context of extremely unhealthy.
It's not loving.
It's not supportive.
It's not seeing what you really are.
It's not honoring you.
It's not respecting you.
It's the complete opposite of those things.
And so quickly it becomes dysfunctional.
And I assume possibly you know where I'm going with this,
Which is an invitation to look at the relationship we have with ourselves.
Is it a healthy relationship?
Do you let yourself be?
Do you let yourself feel what you feel?
Do you let yourself get scared?
Do you let yourself have your doubts?
Do you let yourself be honest?
All of the insecurities and doubts that you have,
Are those okay to have?
You see,
All of those things about you and your humanness,
The things that move through you,
In some way we can articulate that as your inner child.
That little boy or girl inside of you that is very much human,
Is very much afraid at times,
Insecure,
Gets scared.
How are you in relationship with that one?
How do you treat her or him?
Everything that moves through you,
You are in relationship with an aspect of yourself.
How are you relating?
Are you seeing it as an object that serves the function of making you look cool?
Are you seeing it as an instrument that serves your attempt to get to where you think you're supposed to be tomorrow?
Is it in the way?
I mean really,
The sincerity that's showing,
The realness that's showing,
Is that in the way?
And this isn't another excuse to be hard on yourself,
Because that's obviously not the point.
If anything,
Much like a relationship between two human beings,
You have this moment of oh my god,
I didn't really see you.
I'm so sorry.
I was so busy going about my life,
Getting to where I think I'm supposed to be,
Which when I get honest,
I don't really know.
And I was scared and I thought you were in the way.
And hasn't this been the case for you?
And man,
I really just assume it's similar,
Because it's so loud for me in my experience in relationship,
Whether it's with myself or other people,
But directly looking at my relationship with other people,
It's so obvious that given enough time,
The ways in which I thought they were wrong,
I find out that I was wrong.
I was wrong in my judgment.
I was wrong in my blame.
I was wrong in my assumption.
I was wrong in thinking that I knew how things were supposed to be.
And also what I recognize is in those assumptions,
They ultimately resulted in the withholding of love.
Do you see this happens in relationship?
Whether it's with ourselves,
Our emotions or other people or circumstance,
We assume we know something and we assume it's in the way.
And then we withhold love from it.
Or we try to manipulate our way around it.
Okay,
How can I manipulate this other person to give me what I want?
How can I manipulate them to not be them,
To give me what I want?
Maybe there's a spiritual way to do it.
And in saying this,
I'm not even suggesting what you should do or shouldn't do about the experience or the relationship.
What I'm suggesting is to take a pause and breathe and see things a little bit more clearly.
Because just like in relationship with another person,
No matter how much you seem to be bothered by them,
If you get real honest,
You're already bothered with yourself.
And this is something that I point to a lot,
That the conflict that appears to be showing on the outside with other people exposes an inner conflict.
Not that that's wrong and not that it's bad,
It's just an opportunity because that conflict on the inside wants to be seen.
So even in your humanness,
As you have conflicts coming up,
Even if it's anxiety,
Even if it's doubt and fear,
Those conflicts are arising because they want to be seen,
Which also means in some way they want to be held.
Look at this in the context of a relationship with a significant other that's healthy.
Imagine they bring to you a conflict.
I'm scared.
I'm anxious.
I don't know what to do.
Come here baby,
Let me hold you.
And you see,
That's not even a solution to the anxiety or the doubt or the fear.
But it's a step back and let's breathe.
Let's at least do that,
Since ultimately what we're afraid of is that we're not lovable in some way,
That we're alone.
But if we can come home to that love,
To that space of,
Let's just say,
A total embrace,
Then we can relax a little bit and start over.
And you see,
It's from that space that you're actually going to find guidance,
Whatever the direction is,
Whatever the next step is.
Imagine you're in this relationship with somebody else and you have these anxieties,
These fears and these doubts,
And you need to make decisions and move forward,
But yet your partner doesn't hold space for you.
Do you see how it's very difficult to make decisions?
But when everyone is allowed to feel how they feel,
When everyone is heard and respected,
Even if the other person doesn't agree,
You're still allowed to feel that way,
You're still allowed to think that way.
And I wonder how much,
Just like in that dynamic with another where they just judge you and criticize you,
That our inner doubts and fears come up and we think we're dumb.
We think we shouldn't be that way.
You see the healing journey that we're on?
What's the healing journey between a couple?
Do you see how in some way it's to return to a healthy relationship?
And what's the healing journey for you,
With you?
You see that it's to return to a healthy relationship?
And just like a couple who is on their journey together throughout their life,
It's a lifelong journey.
You don't take a course for a weekend and be like,
Okay,
We got our shit together.
No more problems.
No,
You develop a little bit of skill and maybe you get some tools and you find better ways of communicating.
You find better ways of listening.
You find better ways of not being so defensive.
You open yourself up to allow the other person to be the person that they are,
Which holds a proper space for them to go on their own healing journey.
Remember,
My goodness,
The problematic aspects of ourselves that maybe are what we might call,
And we have to be careful and even maybe calling them this,
But dysfunctional,
Are only that way because they're not held correctly.
Just like in a relationship with another person,
If one person is berating them,
Judging them and criticizing them,
Does that help them improve?
No.
And I wonder if we can,
Even if it's just for right now,
Acknowledge the possibility that this whole journey we are on is a journey of healing the relationship we have with ourselves.
Imagine you think you're going in 10,
000 different directions in this life.
You think it's about this,
That and the other,
But what's it really about?
What's the journey you're actually on?
Just like a couple.
A couple things,
We're on a journey of being together for 50 years.
That's the goal.
Is that really the goal of relationship?
Is that the opportunity of two human beings coming together so that they can get some future prize?
Or is it diving deep and exploring a deeper truth of what they are,
Holding a space for each other to feel safe,
To express their deepest sincerities and their fears and be held?
This is only a reflection of the journey you and everyone else is on with themselves.
And what I love about what I just said is that it doesn't give any answers.
Doesn't tell you what to do.
But I wonder if in some way when looking at this through the lens of two people in relationship,
I wonder if we can recognize that every conflict that arises,
Every doubt,
Every insecurity,
Every fear,
Every argument,
Every disagreement is an opportunity to heal,
An opportunity to grow.
And sometimes you fuck it up.
And that too is part of the journey.
That too is an opportunity to acknowledge that,
To be honest about that.
Not to judge yourself,
But because in some way you see that that's the only way.
Is to touch the heart of that vulnerability.
And as much as we might crave the fantasy of somebody else holding space for us like that,
That only serves your ability to do it on your own.
So whether it's there or not doesn't really matter because it's all still serving the same function,
Which is you healing the relationship with yourself and whatever road you're on right now is the road you're supposed to be on for that part of your journey.
In a gentle way,
Not saying that this is anyone here,
But it's so common to see the part of ourselves that we are in an unhealthy relationship and then want somebody else to fix it.
This is so often the craving for a lot of people in relationship,
Which essentially is I wish I could just hide behind somebody else.
I wish somebody else would love me because I'm doing such a poor job at it.
But do you see that if you don't recognize the fundamental opportunity to heal yourself relationship,
Then it doesn't matter what kind of relationship you find yourself in.
Because if you're not doing it for you,
In or out of a relationship with somebody else,
Then it just doesn't matter.
